Fighting for control of the flashbacks.
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“I’m frozen in my chair, gripping the armrests like I’m being fried in an electric chair. The images don’t stop. I can’t take it anymore. I’m trapped back in my room with all the blood and memories. I’m banging and kicking the door, but it’s no use. I can’t move from my seat. In my mind, I’m screaming bloody murder but no one hears me…” from Welcome to Post Traumatic Disordered Stress
This post is a continuation of “Welcome to Post Traumatic Disordered Stress”. Like the previous post, the following account is directly taken from my “trauma narrative” which was a key part of my Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with Dr Jennifer Wild at Oxford University.
If you haven’t read “Welcome to Post Traumatic Disordered Stress”, I recommend taking the time to read it. I describe the first serious flashback I couldn’t control after surviving the Asian Tsunami on Koh Phi Phi island, Thailand. This resulted in me having to stop the bus I was travelling on. I decided not to get back on the bus as I feared being trapped again with the flashbacks of the trauma.
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My Shadow Appears
5 minutes since the bus left. I’m stranded in the middle of nowhere and don’t regret getting off the bus. Even if I have to walk until morning to get to Krabi, I know I’ll be fine. I had to get off that bus. The idea of being physically trapped while having flashbacks compounds the intensity of everything. I thought I was about to die. I know my thought doesn’t make any rational sense, but it’s the truth.
Then the very first vehicle that passes, stops and (in English) offers me a lift to Krabi!
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I haven’t walked very far from where the bus dropped me off when my shadow appears on the ground. I’ve been lit up from behind. I turn to be blinded by the lights. I block out the glare with my hand. I can make out a new looking silver pickup truck pulling up. I’m not a car person, I just know it looks new. I cautiously walk towards the pickup. Without even giving me the opportunity to speak, I’m offered a lift to Krabi. I can’t believe my luck, not a single car passed since the bus pulled up. Then the very first vehicle that passes, stops and (in English) offers me a lift to Krabi!
Honestly, I was ready to walk, I had already mentally prepped for it. At best, I thought I’d eventually get a ride with locals that didn’t speak English. Humanity is definitely looking out for me.
Ride in a pickup truck
Seriously, I don’t know what to think. I’m experiencing all different types of shock all at once! Everything is so random. Now I’m sitting in the backseat of the cab with three Thais who all speak English! I can’t believe this, one minute I’m freaking out, the next I’m ready to trek to Krabi alone with my madness, and now I’m being comforted by the amazing warmth of the Thai people. You couldn’t make this up.
I can only remember the girl in the passenger front seat.
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After overcoming the shock of my ridiculous good fortune. I find out that my rescuers work for a government based environmental agency. I can only remember the girl in the passenger front seat, she did most of the talking, but the two blokes were real good guys too. Just like my mum and Alice, I give them the PG rated synopsis of the island.
It’s crazy, I go from the alien feeling of being in middle earth on that bus to chatting with strangers like we are old friends. In the pickup truck, the force is fucking strong. I can’t remember most of what we said, but they were so lovely. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. From the moment of stepping off the pier, the local Thai people have really looked out for me. I feel so grateful.
Finding out more
Flashes from the island go through my mind.
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My mental state is the polar opposite from the bus. I’m probably still a bit of a mess, but this is nothing. I’m not on my own anymore. I don’t let on how f*cked up I am by what I saw and did on the island. I’m well trained in acting the polite “gaijin”, that’s all I did in Kyoto. I guess we all put each other at ease, it couldn’t have been more different from me being the freak on the bus. Although the front I put on comes at a cost. It was obvious that these three hadn’t been involved first hand with the tsunami. They start listing the islands and areas that had been struck. They go into a little too much detail for my liking. After experiencing it first hand, the thought of how many people went through the same horror on the island is terrifying. Flashes from the island go through my mind.
Hold on, I’ll find you
“Mate, I can get you, don’t fucking let go this time!”
I’m not on the island anymore.
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I’m screaming at the French lad that I can pull him up. It’s not real. I need to focus. I’m not on the island anymore. The flashbacks make me think of Kathryn and Becky. Shit, I need to find them. I ask where the injured from Koh Phi Phi have been taken to. They’re not certain but think Krabi hospital. The girls were airlifted out as a priority, they could be in Phuket or even Bangkok by now. It’s the first time I’ve properly thought about Kathryn, since seeing her airlifted, so much has happened since this morning. God I hope she’s alright. Hopefully she’s in Bangkok by now, wherever she is I need to find her. The girl’s on her own, I’m scared for Kathryn. I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be for her. Stay strong girl.
Originally posted on PTSDJEDI