Aaron Anderson describes how overcoming the stereotype of the silent stoic could help men take responsibility for their relationships.
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As a Marriage Counselor in Denver, CO I see a lot of couples on my couch for a lot of different reasons: affairs, frequent arguing, alcoholism that’s destroying the marriage, etc. Most of the time, it’s a lot of the same problems just with different couples. People often ask me how I can listen to people’s problems all day without going postal. The truth is, it’s not the listening to other people’s problems that’s hard. The hardest part for me is when my job gets routine.
If men could learn to overcome this problem there would be a lot more saved marriages.
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The same as any job, when you do the same thing over and over again you get pretty bored of it. One common problem I see over and over again is so common that it’s almost mundane to me. And the worst part is, it’s usually men that have this problem. And what’s even worse is that if men could learn to overcome this problem there would be a lot more saved marriages. The problem usually goes something like this:
Rrrriiiiing
A: Hello, this is The Marriage and Family Clinic.
Wife: Hi, my husband and I need marriage counseling. We argue all the time and we just need to get this fixed before we put ourselves through even more years of torment. But I have sort of a special question for you, first.
A: Okay. What’s that?
Wife: Well, my husband doesn’t want to come to marriage counseling. Is there a way to still do marriage counseling if he’s not there?
When I hear this, it’s all I can do not to groan out loud. I groan because it’s so cliché’ that men are too tough to see a counselor. I also groan because it’s another man making the rest of us look bad by not taking care of problems in his relationship. And the worst part of it all is that by challenging this cliché’ a lot of men could fix the problems in their relationship before they even become problems.
“Men Don’t Like To Talk About Their Feelings” and other Stigma’s
When I was in grad school, all my text books said how each gender plays different roles in the relationship. And the text books taught that one of the gender roles women play is that of the “kin keepers”. In other words, they are the ones who assume the majority of the responsibility in nurturing relationships and keeping the family together. And this is usually because women are more ‘feelings’ oriented while men are more ‘action’ oriented.
When I would read this in my text books I was shocked. I thought this was a gross overgeneralization of an antiquated stereotype. “Sure”, I thought sarcastically “And all men do is sit around drinking beer and watching football, too. After all, I’m a man and I’m becoming a counselor to help others talk about their feelings”. But then again, I was also the only male out of the 12 other students in my program. Maybe I had some learning to do.
Men really didn’t want to talk about their feelings and thought the solution to the problem was simple: just stop talking about it.
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When I started practicing, I was amazed at how true this “gross overgeneralization” really was. The majority of phone calls I got wanting to setup an appointment seemed to be from women. I had a lot more women come alone to counseling for relationship problems than men did. And I usually got a lot more resistance from men when they finally got there. They really didn’t want to talk about their feelings and thought the solution to the problem was simple: just stop talking about it.
Fast forward five years later, and I am still seeing a lot of the same things (evidenced by the all too common phone call above). I get it, there’s a lot of stigma associated with going to see a counselor. If you see a counselor, it’s almost like you’re admitting defeat. You’re admitting you can’t handle certain problems on your own and you need outside help. And for men, this might be even more stigmatizing. After all, men are supposed to be strong and able to take on any feat without blinking. They’re also supposed to drink a lot of beer and watch a lot of football.
The worst part about men not going to counseling is that men often feel ashamed and embarrassed to go to a counselor when really, the opposite should be true. Instead of being ashamed, men who seek out marriage counseling should get a T-shirt. If they have the cahoneys to see a counselor to help fix their marriage they should have some kind of badge of honor to show it. When a veteran goes to battle and gets shot, he gets a purple heart to show everyone his courage and his willingness to stand in harm’s way for the good of the country. And when a man goes to marriage counseling, he should get a badge of honor as well. After all, he’s doing what he has to do in order to fix his relationship.
There’s nothing more manly than a man doing what a man’s got to do in order to be a man. Even if that means talking about his feelings.
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Not only should he get a badge of honor for going to counseling, but he should get another badge of honor for standing up against the cliché’ that men don’t talk about their feelings. This badge of honor would also show that he is willing to do what it takes to save his relationship. And there’s nothing more manly than a man doing what a man’s got to do in order to be a man. Even if that means talking about his feelings.
Image: Renato Ganoza/Flickr
Some of this article rings very true for me. As a a man that suffers from mental illness that closely affects my relationships I closely empathise that it is frustrating that men generally won’t talk about their feelings. However in complete contradiction I hate seeing and refuse to see counsellor. Not because I won’t talk about my feelings but because I’m very selective with who I trust to talk to. It takes time for me to trust someone enough for me to open up fully. When I speak openly to most people, even those I trust, it’s a frustrating experience… Read more »
I’m an MFT too, and in my grad school too, I can totally relate to being the one in 12 male that you spoke about. My take on it though is that our culture has raised boys from day one to suck it up, stuff it in, take it, yada yada yada. The sad part is that both men and women are strongly opinionated that this is the way a man, a real man should be. Then wonder why in relationships he can’t share his feelings or can’t go to counseling. He’s damned if he does and damned if he… Read more »
Thank you Aaron for your insights about male reluctance to participate in therapy. Much can be attributed to social shaming about having to ask for help, but some might be due to male’s natural yang energy directing their attention outward vigilant for external threat trusting the female to be more yin and conscious of internal and social cues. Couple these natural, biological tendencies with thousands of years of socialization to fulfill these roles; it is highly improbable that most males would feel comfortable in a typical psychotherapy setting discussing internal feelings rather than externalized action plans. I can remember my… Read more »
As a sidebar, there is another over-generalization going on here. That is, that all ‘non-feeling men’ are tough, stoic boors who ‘drink beer and watch football’. In fact, many men fall into this category because they live in a patriarchal, mysogynistic environment – where there may actually be no beer or football – where they behave in the manner they are expected to. This is not an excuse and we as western men certainly can criticize as we see fit, but I don’t believe marriage counselling will change this with all due respect. Massive cultural shifts will have to occur,… Read more »
Thank you so much. I brought up my boys to feel, but the culture was never supportive. One has to have courage to be open to share their feelings. We need more stories like this. The old ways aren’t working for men and women.
Hi Sherri,
Yeah. I was one of those “feeling boys” growing up and had a hard time fitting in in most male circles. As an adult, too when other men find out I’m a therapist and ‘one of those feelings guys’ I seem to be ostracized – especially by those really tough manly men. Keep it up with your sons, though. We’ll change the stereotype one man at a time.
There are times in life the Stoic emotional shield is exceedingly useful ….. There is a reason so many men and women practice that as a defence against the emotional slings and arrows of modern life. The lack of men’s emotional safe spaces in which they can relax, process and unload the emotional baggage that life dumps on everyone is in my estimation the bigger issue. That the soft sciences have become feminist base camps in our culture doesn’t help practitioners of those skill sets create spaces that men feel safe to open up. If ones training is heavily biased… Read more »
Great article, Aaron. I LOVE the last two sentences. As we’ve talked about, with many men it takes a gut wrenching, 2×4 club to the stomach sort of epiphany to want to talk. When my clients reach this point of pain, hunger, or fear…they finally call. When a guy finds a safe place to talk without judgment, the flood gates open. Sometimes it’s way too late. Even then it doesn’t matter. He needs to work on being better at his NEXT relationship. Then he has to decide if he actually going to DO anything different. If nothing changes – nothing… Read more »
And if nothing changes, he’ll find himself in the same place in his next relationship. I don’t know how many clients I tell to own their problems regardless of whether their spouse does or not. That way, they can have a better chance of saving the current relationship. And if it doesn’t save the current relationship, it’ll make a better relationship in the future. It’s a win-win. Too many men shoot themselves in the foot by saying they won’t work on something until their spouse does. In reality, it doesn’t matter if their spouse does because they’ll be better off… Read more »
This is an important topic for sure. I am a licensed social worker who also provides family mediation services in Massachusetts. Interestingly, I have found that some men are more open to coming to “marriage mediation” than couples counseling. The idea of sitting around a conference room with a neutral facilitator solving problems in a concrete way is safer and less intimate for some people. Ironically, “feelings” usually get introduced and discussed. For example, a current case I have right now involves a wife who is frustrated about his husband’s “silence.” Since we are focusing on how to meet her… Read more »
” Instead of being ashamed, men who seek out marriage counseling should get a T-shirt.” I like that a lot and I think this article hits the spot exactly.
In my new book, “The Remade Parent” one of the things I look at is the deeper reasons why men have largely been emotional cripples, partly because to not show (or share) emotions is to not fully “have” them.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H4E76X4/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb
Brett, you should look up a book called Real Boys by William Pollack. HE talks about how we raise boys not to feel and to ‘suck it up and be strong’. I think you’d like it.
Thanks, Aaron. I will check out “Real Boys by William Pollack” as you suggested.
Marriage counseling is just divorce rehearsal- like pulling the bandaid off slowly.
Save your time, health and money.
Or maybe there is both a perceived and real bias in marriage counseling……..Men understand that they will be seen as the cause of problems……that will just go away if he’d see it our way…
The profession has a female bias both in outlook and in personnel………and as in every other business it concentrates it concerns on it’s primary clientele. Fix those issues and more men might be open to your methods.
And then there is substance abuse,counseling-
Married women are rarely common garden variety drunks, they are compensating and acting out behind something their husbands aren’t providing.
In fairness in the past 20 yrs the perception has shifted, a bit, to intoxicants ingested by an adult woman as a major cause of addiction.
Hi Trey, I hear a lot of men back out of therapy because “the therapist was obviously bias” when really they just didn’t want to own up to their problems. But regardless of whether there is bias in the profession (which I disagree with strongly), the secret is to own the problems you really are contributing. If you do that, it doesn’t matter if there is bias. You can create a better relationship by simply owning your issues. As you begin to own your contributions, your spouse will likely follow suit. If they don’t, then you have some decisions to… Read more »
If the viewpoint of the therapist and their training is that “men are the problem” then there is bias. Owning one’s own issues is a laudable goal, a goal that men expected to do attain our culture. Sadly current sociology has over compensated for it early male bias by becoming overly female biased in outlook. It does not operate in a cultural vacuum, and currently our shared culture sees man’s basic nature as immature and evil vs woman’s as mature and good. But when applied on the micro level as to a couple’s relationship it set a faulty lazy bias… Read more »
If we as men, love to take serious action, be brave and go on adventures, the inner jurney of discovery of the true self, is the most dangerous, incomparable scary and troublesome, but are filled with great benefits, tremendous treasures and unexpected feeling of authentic masculine freedom 🙂
Love Karl-Otto
“There’s a lot of stigma going to see a counselor…” So true…! The one or two sessions my husband attended for spousal support when I was going through my breast reconstruction surgeries made a huge difference in our relationship….the group was composed of other men like him whose wives were facing a medical crisis…the other men got to share stuff they never share amongst other men and they said it helped them tremendously to be in that safe place to talk and eat bagels even if it was just once a month…. My husband doesn’t feel a need to go… Read more »