After our sons grow past the superhero phase, are we having conversations to help them with their new identity or leaving them alone to figure it out?
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Many young boys spend a lot of time thinking about superheros. They often want be them so they dress like them. They wear superhero capes to bed, at playtime and even on the street. It is not unusual to see a young boy walking around with a sword, shield, mask or some other piece of apparel that lets everyone know “hey, I’m here to save the world.”
When our boys age into middle school the concept of a superhero on the outside begins to fade away. They begin looking for their personal identity and many struggle to find it because inside, the tone has already been set – they must somehow always be responsible for others and save the world. Some struggle through college and even well into their adult lives trying to save the masses and forgetting about themselves.
As a parent, I wonder how many of us have ever had the conversations with our young sons asking them “Who do you want to be when the cape comes off?” I’ve often said it’s not the conversations we have with our kids that have the most impact on how they form belief systems, but instead, the conversations we don’t have. In an ever changing world, with identity concerns being at the forefront, parents would be wise to see where children’s heads are. Struggling with sexuality alone can be tough for kids in the middle school years. Gaining a sense of who they are and what they stand for in life is a concern for children that unchecked will affect them the remainder of their lives.
To have these types of conversations with your sons, the following tips may be helpful in your question and answer sessions.
1. Is there an adult you know who you wish you could be like when you grow up?
2. What qualities does this adult have that makes you want to be like them?
3. Are there any qualities this adult has that you don’t like and why?
4. Is there an adult you know you want to be nothing like when you grow up?
5. What is it about this adult that makes you feel like they aren’t someone you’d want to be like?
6. If you could grow up and be ANYTHING you want, what would it be?
7. If you went to college and earned a degree, what would it be in and what kind of job would you use it for?
8. What kind of home do you see yourself in when you grow up?
9. Who is in the home with you that you see yourself in?
10. Will you be the boss at your job or will you have a boss?
Though well meaning, many times we allow our own “guiding” principals to be ones that push us in the way we want to guide our children without regard for their individualistic nature. Allowing our children to have a say in their own future gives them a sense of pride in ownership of their future. It is certainly important to instill good values in them and show them what the right choices could look like, but the right choices for them may not be the ones that were right for us. Parenting, beyond those toddler and elementary years in a child’s life, can become much like a coaching relationship and develop its own co-creative traits.
For some of us as parents it’s hard to let our kids “find their way” because it can cause fears for their safety as they stumble to learn. Letting go of our hopes and dreams of success for them, however, doesn’t have to happen. Instead, it is learning to embrace their hopes and dreams while we support them the best way we know how that can make all the difference for them.
The superhero fantasy can be adopted by both boys and girls with interesting personal twists on what it takes to be there for others. As children, most possess a unique level of compassion for the needs of other people regardless of gender that can get lost as we age. This compassion fuels our desire to be there for others and make sure “they” are ok which is fine until the cost becomes a threat to our own health and welfare.
Parenthood is never a one lane road and in the cliche’ “it takes a village to raise a child” there are many truths. One truth I have found in that statement is that in this “village” there are many teachers. When parents allow themselves to learn from one another and be open to new ideas, we become better for ourselves and all of the children we impact. The superhero conversation may be one you may have not had yet. Learning how to have this conversation, or teaching someone else to do so if you have, may be the one thing that can keep a much needed parent/child connection alive at a very critical time in a child’s life.
Photo by: JMV/Flickr
Though I still love the superheroes of my youth and the new movies about them (mostly), I wish my father had asked any of these questions. My Dad’s still alive, and I know it’s not going to happen – it’s way too late, and he isn’t the type to even think of things like this.