Exploring the mess we are in around male sexuality. How did we get here and what on earth do we do?
My first sexual experience with another person was when my cousin taught me how to masturbate. Naturally, it felt good. But then he shamed and humiliated me, leaving a deep scar. This became my initial sexual imprint, and it has impacted my sexuality to this day.
Instead of learning, I went into hiding like most men run by shame. I listened to other peers who were equally immature and confused.
Before I sought out help, I was left adrift, aimlessly trying to be a man with this cosmic sword between my legs. No one ever taught me the profound power my cock could yield. That I could give life or destroy life with its power. My dad dropped the ball as did my culture.
I received ZERO training around sex or my body until age 34. None. Fortunately for me, I now have excellent mentors and friends who are helping me grow up my sexuality and dive into it’s headwaters with open arms.
To not teach children about the sacredness of their bodies and their sexuality is one of the CORE abandonments of our time.
This post is about the mess we are in around male sexuality. I am here to name it and simply put it in the open for all of us to see.
So how did we get into this mess?
I’m guessing there’s more to the story than this, but I’m naming one GIANT dynamic if not THE dynamic that got us here.
First, let’s acknowledge that some of us (not me) got an amazing, healthy, wise education around sex, our bodies, and our sexuality. If that’s you, congratulations! Seriously. Then, let’s acknowledge that there are a good number of people out there that believe we are teaching are kids plenty, even too much, about sex and sexuality (i.e. conservative religious groups).
Leaving it up to the Churches and schools to train our kids about their penises and vaginas and how to use them has gotten us where we are today, ashamed, avoiding, and hoping someone else will teach this complicated stuff for us. If those entities did a great job, we’d be seeing different results.
Because adults have been, by in large, too ashamed or limited in themselves, they have taught our boys a very watered down version of sex education. That’s the best case scenario. It’s either nothing at all, or a “birds and the bees” talk in middle school or high school, likely from a teacher who is filtering information because their hands are tied by a fearful administration.
Think about what you got in terms of sex ed. I got a health class in 8th grade (in Utah) and then my dad talked to me in High school about wearing a condom. That’s it. That’s all I got.
So, what did I do? I learned from peers (well before high school) who were equally as ashamed, misinformed, and confused.
I was completely and utterly abandoned, as was my father by his father and on and on. I get that it wasn’t my Dad’s fault. How could he teach me anything about sex given what was taught to him by a Dad who probably never even mentioned it? Generations of betrayal. Generations of neglect and looking the other way, hoping kids would “figure it out” or innocently thinking it would take care of itself.
So, when I think about my own son, I can see the doorway toward “letting him figure it out.” That door is wide open and would be easy for me to just drop the ball and keep the generations of abandonment alive.
But I won’t do that. No way. Not in my house. I won’t pass the buck to other adults and expect them to deliver. I also refuse to let other 4, 5, 6, 7 year old boys teach my son about his sacred body. I refuse to let another kid shaming him while he’s naked or hard core porn be his first sexual experience.
I will show up for my son. I’m scared and excited to teach him everything about his beautiful body and its power. I feel inspired to train him to use his penis responsibly. And guess what? My son is 3 years old and needs information now! He is exploring his body right now! Wait until middle school? I don’t think so.
Most of us men received little to no sexual training as boys. We simply learned from other boys. Our first sexual experiences were often either molestation (1 in six boys is sexually abused before age 16), experimentation with ourselves (some kind of masturbation, mostly to porn these days) or other boys (more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America’s children is committed by other minors).
As boys, in order to fit in, we were supposed to make fun of other boys when we were naked. If we were too “good” or too scared to do that, we got quiet and became bystanders hoping some adult would step up and set a boundary. When no one did, we remained silent because speaking up we might have faced ridicule or humiliation.
Anything that resembled being gay or too feminine, we shamed and humiliated in each other and called it “funny.” We were mostly taught that sex is great, but also bad and that masturbation is bad even though it feels good. Hmmm….Our choice? Posture and fake it trying to “be one of the guys,” or go underground with our sexuality and experiment in isolation.
Confused yet?
As teen boys, we taught each other to objectify women and keep score. We were either taught that w0men like strong men that are stoic and hide their vulnerability like any superhero in the movies, or maybe we took the gentleman’s path, (slightly more conservative but still damaging) where we are supposed to take care of women and be “clean” by never masturbating or succumbing to our animal desires, thus being a “good boy.”
If we were gay, or wondered if we were gay, we had no where safe to turn to, no one to ask, no place to explore in a safe way. So, again we isolated and felt shame and guilt. Then we might have played along with the straight boys thus adding more self-abandonment and confusion.
Then we found oursevles in an oversexualized culture where women’s bodies were everywhere for us to gawk at including in video games, TV, magazines, and even in men’s sports. We went to college where our sex drive was through the roof and we sprayed it around like a fire-hose with no supervision and little consequence. Or we were so confused, we shut down and got quiet. If we wanted to be “one of the guys” we tried to get laid a lot and talked a big game, thinking that might win us friends. If we didn’t take that path, we stayed a quiet bystander letting our brothers off the hook over and over as they objectified and used women over and over again while we isolated and went inward for answers.
Pile on more confusion….
Of course, then we became adult men (whatever that means), and even though we have the power to seek out a therapist or professional to get help with the confusion and power between our legs, we didn’t. Either because we didn’t even know it was an option, or because we might have faced silent judgment or ridicule from our peers–more shame and humiliation, all part of the gender straightjacket.
Now that we are officially confused and ashamed about our penis and sex, and live in a culture that supports our dis-embodiment, we paradoxically find comfort in our isolation and disconnection. It’s the new norm. We mask over any whisper of shame or fear so we can fit in with the guys and then we hope to meet a cool woman that likes us despite our insecurities.
Then in our isolation, while no one is looking and with the door locked, we finally find relief in our sexually confused state–porn. It’s quick, easy, cheap, with an endless variety where we don’t have to deal with the complexities of interpersonal relationship dynamics. We can stay alone and keep it locked away in our inner sanctum. It even gives us temporarily relief from the stress in our lives and gives the illusion of keeping our shame at bay.
Whew.
Once again, the boy code has conditioned us into a little, tiny corner where we remain angry, alone, confused, and isolated. Our conditioning is a trap. Be a certain way, and don’t act outside the box. If you do, we will humiliate you. Don’t speak up or intervene, b/c that too is gay, weak, or feminine. So, stay put, stay a bystander, stay in your box.
So this is where we are today
Like it or not, the state of male sexuality in this culture (and probably the world) is that of a sick, neglected, and deeply abandoned child, and we can see the wake of it everywhere in our lives. The way boys treat girls, the way men treat women. The way boys treat boys. The bullying and shame, coercion, and intimidation to be a certain way sexually. The gay jokes, the “small penis” jokes, the “pussy” jokes, the rape, misogyny, misandry, the violence, Matthew Shepard, Penn State, Steubenville Rape, The Catholic Church, and the shame and self-hatred toward our own bodies.
All taught by who? Boys.
That’s right. We adults have put boys in charge of teaching other boys about the most sacred parts of their bodies. Boys are teaching other boys about sexuality in this culture. And because adults are unable or unwilling to step up, this is the mess we are in.
Wow.
So, this is on the table for us to examine and see clearly. How about we pause and take this all in.
Breathe.
The next question for me is “okay, what do I do about it?”
In my own home, I will take on the responsibility to teach and train my son about his penis, his body, and his sexuality with unwavering respect and love.
In terms of the global problem, the questions are rolling in. From single moms to new dad’s like me.
How are you dealing with your own confused sexuality and how will you/are you teaching your son about it? Because wherever you are ashamed and stuck, you will block your son from learning and embodying a healthy sexuality.
What I am doing about it?
Read this awesome breakdown The Healthy Sex Talk–Teaching Kids Consent Ages 1-21
I am teaching him about his sacred body. Where I’m stuck, I’m getting help, hiring mentors, going to classes and learning about how to appropriately (factoring in age and brain development) and truthfully talk to my son about his body and his sexuality. And, if enough parents ask, I’ll probably offer tele-classes or write more on the subject. I’m open to suggestions.
Please share below how you are navigating this critical terrain.
If you are a parent of a son, or are actively involved in raising boys in your life, join our facebook page Raising Boys.
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Photo: By crdotx/ Flickr
About Jayson Gaddis
Awesome piece Jayson. As the father of two boys (7 and 16) thank you.
You are welcome Tom.
Great article, Jayson! I have been ruminating about these topics, too, as I am raising a son aged 11.5 years old….My husband and I are both health professionals, so we are very open in using the correct terms (and not above joking about the incorrect ones, too, but I guess humor, love, and openness is the best way to approach this difficult, but important topic)…..
My ex was brought up a strict Catholic (Jesuit schools, altar boy, summer camp, etc.) and he used to have such hang-ups….he was so repressed and ashamed about his sexual impulses (he would call his genitals “dirty”), yet in secret or under cover of night, he would indulge in the things he felt were forbidden to him in the light of day….it’s really disturbing to me to think how two-faced he was….he could do something terrible and then deny it the next morning….
As my child gets older, I get more anxious just remembering some of the stuff I went through at the same age….Luckily, his school teachers and guidance counselors cover a lot of this stuff already…but, yes, keeping open communication is always a challenge!
Nice Leia! thanks for reminding us about humor! yes, sexuality is FUN and so freakin’ alive! thanks to you and your husband for doing what it takes to rise above your own conditioning.
Dear Leia,
You point out something interesting, that men often speak of their genitals as dirty or bad. I surprised me recently when the term “junk” is being used by men to describe themselves. For example when the Homeland Security guards might “touch my junk”.
It has taken my a long time but I prefer to call them the family jewels or my most favored parts.
Dear Robert,
My ex told me a story about asking his mother about where babies come from (when he was about 5 or 6 years old)….she got so flustered, she ran next door to her neighbor’s and whispered frantically with her….but she never gave him an answer! My ex grew up in an age where people just did not discuss such things…Needless to say, he grew up to be quite a messed up person….his family never talked about anything …
I like the piece overall but it feels like you’re saying that as boys/men we somehow created the mess you speak of all by ourselves free of any input and influence from women.
But I do like the “we have to fix this ourselves” attitude of yours.
Impressive.
Danny, good catch, but not quite.
I’m saying the mess was created long ago by our conditioning. Hard to know where to point the finger but that doesn’t matter. What matters is how a lot of us, if we stay alseep at the wheel, are continuing and even complying with this mess. We, men and women, moms and dads, have to roll up our sleeves and stop expecting someone else to “take care of it” for us.
Fair enough rather than “created” maybe I should have said “maintained”.
But I do agree that we can’t afford to wait for others to take care of it for us.
I have been preaching about this for a long time now. I raised both a son and a daughter, and was careful to give both of them guidance – to their shame and embarrassment for a good deal of the time.
“Mom?!? Why do we have to talk about this stuff? Why can’t you be a normal mom?”
But as they eased into the teenage years, the embarrassment began to be replaced by curiosity and pride. By the time they were 14 years old, they started to bring home friends with questions and I became known as the ‘Mom that would talk strait’.
So – talk to your son and prepare for the fact that he will be made uncomfortable due to the same societal pressure you are describing here – persevere – he will eventually thank you for it.
Yup. awesome work being a not-normal mom, a mom with courage to address truth. deep bow.
Well done for staying with it! Inspiring
I have 3 boys (and 1girl) my oldest boy 9yo is starting to ask questions that I having a hard time coming up with age appropriate answers. He knows a lot about his body but is needing more. Time for some serious research!
yup. time to show up. thank you for getting that.
This is terrific. As a single woman, barely 20, I can definitely relate to this issue. I praise you for shining the light on this issue, with fascinating thoughts and opinions. I will definitely be keeping this article for future reference as a mother (whenever that may be) and teacher (in only a few years). Thank you!
you are welcome. and as a single mom, you need help/support from us men for your son. reach out and ask.
As a single mother of soon-to-be 13 year old twin boys (and a woman who has met way too many of the men you describe), your article left a cold pit in the base of my belly… I am at a complete loss. What DO I do?!
let that cold pit guide you into action. you gotta deliver for your sons and they need help/guidance/mentorship. find other men you love and respect deeply to help with this one. be willing to pay for help and support. they are at a critical age and chances are, they’ve already been exposed to a great deal from their peers.
Get books. Find books on sexuality, read them, and then share them with your boys. It is OK for all of you to feel weird about it, or even embarrassed. Those feelings will pass as your boys get to understand themselves better and accept themselves.
If they get too shy, you can always fall back to this argument: “I changed your diapers. That means I cleaned every bit of your bottom. It’s a parent’s job to do this, so it’s normal that I know what your parts look like.”
And if you’re just too embarrassed to discuss very much with them, then at least make them aware that the books are there, and that they can read through them at their leisure.
I remember browsing through a copy of “The Joy of Sex” as a young teenager. I found it hilarious of course, but also more informative than I let on.
nice suggestions Kitti.
In finally finding the man of my dreams, one of the best parts of our relationship is how open we are about sex. He was raised in a home that taught him how to respect his body, his partner’s body, and how to communicate about what is good and right about sex. His openness, and that of his parents, inspires me. I was not as fortunate as a young woman – I was raised in a home where sex wasn’t discussed because the very mention of it might make me go out and do something terrible (though my mom claimed she would always answer my questions – it was hard to approach her about it because of the stigma already put around the subject by everyone in the family). I got by reading encyclopedias and eventually the internet to find information. What is funny to me about all of this is that my man didn’t lose his virginity until after his 18th birthday. I lost mine at 15. I don’t think that is a coincidence – I was curious and had no one to ask, so I experimented on my own (which luckily didn’t harm me too much, but did leave a mark of shame on my psyche that was totally unnecessary). He was taught early and explicitly, and waited until (at least he thought) he found the right person. I applaud his mother for all she taught him so early, and I cannot wait to call him husband and for my future kids to call him father one day. I hope we all seek to learn about our bodies and healthy sex (even if we didn’t early) so that we can pass on a healthy sexual knowledge to our children. And I hope to goodness we take seriously the fight to continue sex education in our schools and not resort to hiding from the conversation because it might anger an ultra-conservative religious person. We MUST keep our kids surrounded by honest communication and factual information about their bodies. Don’t let “abstinence only” education fool you – it is a ploy to avoid the conversation and scare the sex out of kids (as if that would work anyway). We can teach abstinence right alongside how to use condoms and prevent disease and unwanted pregnancy – and thus prepare our kids to enter the world as informed adults, ready for a healthy, life-giving sex life.
wonderful share libby. thanks for the personal notes and vulnerability. it helps me hear other’s share what has worked and what has not. you also bring up a great point about adult sexuality. it’s pretty wild how many adults are deeply ashamed of their sexuality. that gets transmitted to kids too. so, if parents really want to teach their kids about sex, have an alive, vibrant sex life with your partner!
As a 20-something who was both molested by another boy and kept in the dark about my sexuality until my dad sat me down to confront me about the porn I had been watching on the family computer while no one was home, I cannot emphasize how true everything here is. By the time my dad had confronted me about my porn addiction, though he meant well and never intended to; so much damage had already been done. I spent years in confusion that led me to ask awkward even wholly inappropriate questions at the wrong moments (i.e. – in the middle of youth group asking about virginity verification during the time of Mary’s immaculate conception).
Frankly, what I find so disappointing, even maddening is that I can’t find information that is both incorporates scientific fact and Godly wisdom together. Half the time, especially on The Good Women Project, I have found the the sources cited are from Christians who are not doctors nor are they citing anything remotely medical… It’s one big circle-jerk of misinformation and fear-mongering. Even by worldly standards, I know more about both male and female sexual reproductive organs than most of each respective sex knows about their own. I have spent years studying it in a very clinical fashion, hoping that somehow I would be able to glean some truth from these dry scientific facts, but then I walk into church and they simply deny basic scientific facts and talk about hellfire for all sinners.
1. When better than discussions of Virgin Birth to ask for straight answers?
2. Why are you still walking into that church—unless it’s your calling to challenge the norms there?
yikes! yup. lots of fear out there. glad you are finding your way. seems like you still want the spiritual component yes? if so, check out http://deepmasculine.com. david cates is the man in this arena.
Thank you for talking about this very important issue! I am a mom of twin 4 year old boys. Back in November, I wrote a blog post about talking to toddlers and preschoolers about their bodies in an open and celebratory way in order to create paths for later conversations about healthy sexuality. I am so glad that other parents want to break bad family patterns (I am breaking the sexual silence from my own upbringing) concerning sexuality. Here is the link to my blog post if you want to see the candid “sample conversations” I have with my little men: http://mengalings.blogspot.com/2011/11/birds-and-bees-how-to-talk-to-your-kids.html
wow. can’t wait to read that post! thank you for having the courage to be an open family. great modeling for us all.
*RESOUNDING APPLAUSE*
Thank You!
Sometimes I feel as if I am the only voice of reason among my contemporaries! I have a 10 year old sin and I have always answered him truthfully. I don’t use “cute” words for body parts and I refuse to sit in judgment of what is normal, sexual behaviour for pre-adolescent males!
He was about 8.5 when we had “The BIG talk” and I wish I would have done it earlier! He filled up nearly 2 hours worth of questions! Parents, if you think it isn’t on your kids’ minds, you are mistaken. We like to think we can control what they learned and see but we cannot. I wanted, and I chose, to be the person who told my child about sex – and shared with him the morals and the value I attribute to it. Now, when he has a question, he.comes to me. He knows I will tell him the truth and do so very calmly. And yes, when he asks about it, I will show him how to use a condom.
As this post says, if YOU do not teach your child about his body, his sexuality and sex – someone will and you may be very disappointed in the lessons.
Sorry about the soap box. I am wrestling with a friend who thinks her nearly 9 year old doesn’t need to hear about it (even though he asks). The child has been told that God gives the Dr. a special key to unlock a woman’s belly button to retrieve a baby when it is born. I cringe to think about what actually goes through this child’s mind – and what his friends will teach him.
Thanks for writing a piece that should cause all of us to take a good look at our parenting in this area. It will make an impact.
WHAT? God gives a child a fucking key? are you kidding me? that’s the kind of stuff that pisses me off. She is abandoning her son over and over. Ouch. Painful as hell to hear that and thank you for sharing.
When we avoid these subjects, we make a statement about our own shame and in the process abandon our children.
Thank you for being a bold mother Margaret! YES! thank you.
Margaret that key stuff is jacked up stuff!
We’ve been talking to our sons since they were little. Correct body parts, acceptance that the body gives pleasure and can receive it (Americans are suspect of sensuality to a toxic degree) and we answer questions honestly and in as simple a way as possible per year with growing complexity as they age.
They are highly curious creatures. I think that human beings have a right to understand how their bodies work, a right to joy and pleasure in food, air, people, and that to lie to them is a grave grave mistake.
I also think it’s important for parents to model loving physical behavior (hugs, cuddling, kisses) women and men honoring each other (and other combinations too of course as not all parents are straight).
At this point I’ve moved from answering questions about “how things work” to delving into some questions of “why” (why can’t gay people get married, why do people only date one person at a time) but I’ve also explained that there are some things mommies can’t explain or show to their sons. We have books available for them and will also support them in looking at websites like Scarleteen.
Both sons know that I study and focus on human sexuality, that sexual expression is something that is normal and encouraged in a loving healthy relationship, and that they can talk to us about any thing and that if we can’t answer it, we’ll try to find the answers for them.
This article (and of course Jayson Gaddis) is the reason I remain optimistic about the future for men in general. Finally, men are beginning to get real about sexuality and how confused most of us are about it. The negative impact on our psyche caused by the over proliferation of sex throughout our media has damaged us in ways most of us aren’t willing to admit. By “putting it out there” we provide an opening for men to speak their truth about the shame, fear and uncertainty about sex that drives so many of our sexual addictions and dissatisfaction around sex . This dialog can be the opening some men need to truly transform their beliefs around sexuality. Kudo’s Jayson for sharing your truth.
I would also add that the time has come for us as men to not be afraid or ashamed of teaching our young boys, young men and grown men that sexual conquest is not a gauge for manhood and that we should encourage our males to be comfortable with creating loving, emotionally honest, spiritual partnerships in which we proudly proclaim our love and adoration to our partners. We should be able to share how wonderful it is to be in committed relationships which nurture and sustain us. No longer should we encourage men to validate their masculinity by the amount of women they sleep with or conquer.
As a father of two grown men (31 & 28) I can proudly say that as a result of dealing with my own shame and confusion around sex, I have taught my sons the importance of intimacy and connection in relationships and encouraged them to always be open and honest with me about any aspect of their sexuality. As a result, they both maintain authentic relationships with women that makes me proud beyond words.
The good news is that more and more men are becoming conscious and open to this dialog and it fills me with optimism about a complete shift in the male paradigm of this country and beyond.
MT, thank you for your share here. You continue to inspire me. Yup, it’s never too late to deal with our shame and show our kids the way. big respect!
This website is ridiculous. Let’s talk about raising our boys right, but then advertise VODKA above and below the post. Not to mention have posts titled, ” The Dicktionary.” This site is run be a bunch of boys pretending to be men.
Lol… The ads are personalised by a marketing company (probably Google) so they say more about you and your browsing habits than the good men project…
My adds are about short weekend breaks from London to turkey.
^ truth.
My ads are for Big Brothers/Big Sisters of MA and shoes.
great point L and Mike. ads are smart to our searches. Before your blame Tom, stay curious.
When I was a kid, my dad caught me masturbating. All he said was “you’ll go blind doing that.” My response was “okay, so can I do it until I just need glasses?” … Just trying to add some levity.
Believe it or not, my first exposure to sex education was in 7th grade at St. Casmir’s in Chicago. That was back in 1967.
A lot of guys learn about these things with/from other guys. Not sure how the generation before me learned. Never thought of asking any of the men I know how they learned and I guess I never will. They appear pretty well adjusted.
Now let’s add the fact that so many kids are fatherless, where do they turn? Pretty scary stuff when you figure a good percent of kids aren’t getting proper education and then add to that the many that don’t have dad’s …. It’s a big problem.
With my own kids, my wife and I were pretty open. My wife and I were virgins and openly discussed how difficult it was to wait (I’ve known my wife since I was 11 years old) but as they could see by our relationship and love, it worked out great for us. When they became adolescents, we never dissed sexuality. My wife and I would be idiots if we didn’t think they were busy behind their closed bedroom doors.
It’s a balancing act. Don’t want it to appear that we condone anything goes but at the same time, didn’t want to make it look as though it was shameful. My wife openly talked to my daughter and I openly talked to my son. I didn’t tell him the “going blind” thing but I did tell him he would grow hair on his palms … Just kidding!
On our wedding night, I know that my wife had a poor education about sex. Her mom told her to take the biggest thing I have and put it into something wet … she grabbed my shoes and threw them in the toilet …. Just kidding!
Well done for writing this piece, Jayson. I’m much like you – I received absolutely no sex education when I was young. Unlike your dad, my dad didn’t even teach me about condoms. The shame around sexuality in my family and society is denying life and love and IMO we can safely blame conservative religious teachings for the state we’re in (which are all about fear and shame of course).
I think it scares many of us to consider how early a child starts exploring his/her sexuality. When my niece was three, my sister asked me to bathe her as she was busy with some other stuff and I was surprised to find her touching herself while looking at me seductively.
Now with most men having enormous shame and insecurities around sex as well as being trained to see their male sexuality as dangerous and predator-like, encounters with a child’s sexuality like the one I described above can be challenging.
What I’m starting to get more and more though – and what you are inspiring me to see as well, Jayson – is that there comes a time that I live my life not primarily for my own enjoyment, but to become an agent of service, love and healing in the world. (The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. – Gandhi)
So I think that’s what is here for me – that as I get closer to the day when I will be a father myself, I remain mindful and vigilant to move in the direction in life that would let me be present with my child in a wholesome, loving and generative way. That truly is a quicker way to self-realization and happiness than seeking realization through narcissistic pursuits – IMO.
I’m not sure the media will see male sexuality as something positive anytime soon so it’s on us to provide the guidance and the way. Thanks for pointing it out, Jayson
Eivind
Eivind:
You have highlighted what I think is a critical issue in the approach to this topic with ourselves and our kids: Sensuality vs Sexuality. We need to understand and teach both.
A child of three is not touching herself to explore her sexuality (recognition of or emphasis upon sexual matters), but rather because it feels good. She is exploring her sensuality (unrestrained indulgence in sensual pleasures). She is also not looking at you seductively (tending to seduce; enticing), but with a face that demonstrates sensual pleasure.
I believe this misunderstanding is key to many of our sexual problems, and also key to the solution of those same conundrums. Both men and women are confused by the difference between the body and sensuality and the mind and sexuality. It is why in so many date rape situations the guy’s defense amounts to “Her mouth said no, but her body said yes – I could tell she wanted me.” If these guys understood the difference between the body’s sensual response and the mind’s sexual one, perhaps they would better understand the meaning of consent.
We must teach our young children to understand the sensual nature of their bodies, and to feel no shame in their natural response to touch. They can be taught about proper time and place in pretty much exactly the way they are taught they much wear clothes in public. All of this type of conditioning can be done by either sex parent for any child – after all we all have skin that loves being caressed, we all have ears that tickle when blown into – and no matter what homophobes will say – if you are blindfolded and caressed, your skin will respond with pleasure – no matter the sexual orientation or gender of the person stroking you. The fact is basic sensuality is sexless – and should be shameless.
If you teach your children this, they are better prepared for the changes that puberty will bring and the new sexual desires that will come to light. Sexual desires come to kids at different times, but basically it is an awareness of desire for someone outside of yourself – a pairing of sensual body feelings with something more a desire to touch and be touched. It is this something more that needs stewarding and here is where adult mentors come in. This is when a kid needs straight talk and answers to the questions they find most embarrassing. The most important thing you can do as an adult is be honest and direct. No couching of language into euphemisms that ease your embarrassment, no avoiding the question until ‘you are older’. My rule of thumb – if a child is old enough to ask the question then they are ready for the answer.
Last, but not least – for all adults that still struggle with this I would ask: Have you fully explored your own body’s sensuality? How often do you touch yourself – not just to masturbate, but to give simple pleasures? Brushing your hair, running your nails along the inside of your forearms, rubbing your feet. Do you know the way your own body responds to touch? I believe that if we didn’t shame our children out of touching themselves because we falsely equate it with sex and dirty, then every child would enter puberty and the advent of sexuality with a firm understanding of exactly what feels good and what does not.
Great points especially about the situation in the tub. There was innocence there. Our job as adults is to distract and redirect the child without shame as much as possible.
Sensuality? Very important and very misunderstood.
Wow Eddie Louise, you sure nailed it here. YOur comment to Elvind about his neice was spot on. Yes, a common mis-read on the adults part, again clouded by our own projections.
Thank you for the wisdom reminder about sensuality and pleasure. I’m sooooo with you. For me, sex was dirty and bad for so long. It’s only been recently that I’m open to fully explore what it means to be a sexual and sensual human being. YES!
thank you thank you for writing so eloquently and from your own heart experience. I feel strength in me reading your words.
big respect.
Nice post, Eddie Louise and a great distinction there that is worth thinking about. I trust your voice and thank you for your contribution.
AND – I don’t think it’s necessarily as black and white as you do. I have friends who have had sexual experiences at pre-school ages, which leaves me with the obvious thought that very young kids do explore their sexuality. But it is probably true that in most cases, what looks like a sexual experience to me or another adult is simply a sensual experience.
That said – I think the distinction between sexual and sensual is very subjective and very unclear. Where does sensuality turn into sexuality? I’m not sure such a thing can be easily taught. I’m not sure where it changes even for me; an experience of touching my own skin or having others touch it may move towards turn-on eventually. Please tell me if such distinctions do exist.
Fortunately, I knew not to shame my niece. At the same time, I’m unclear if simply ignoring it and letting her continue was the best approach. What do you think?
I would say sensual is when it is done for our self with no thought of the sexual act. This is why toddlers touching themselves (or even touching each other) are indulging in a sensual experience. They are not yet aware of sex, the mechanics or sex, nor the politics of consent. They are simply following where bodily impulses lead.
Age has so much to do with how you can approach this. Mostly, until they are old enough to ‘converse’ (31/2 to 4 usually). I don’t know what the best answer is (I had great luck raising my kids, but I am not a child behaviorist) although I always ere on the side of direct and honest communication where possible.
As far as the divide between pure sensual and sexual – I feel that the mind is the key. Sometime in puberty we stop just touching ourselves because it feels good and start thinking of other people when we do it. THAT is the moment that sexuality comes to the fore. Turn-ons can be both sensual and sexual – but I can guarantee no three year old touches herself thinking about another person. In fact they are not necessarily responding to ANY outside stimulus.
For adults – once we have crossed that line and experienced external turn-ons it can be hard to remember the pure bodily responses of our youth. I think this is why we get confused with ‘conflicting signals’. We forget that the body is capable of responding even in the absence of turn-ons. Or, we think that if the body is responding we MUST be turned-on and look for the outside cause. Also, this colors our memories and I think we proscribe a sexual meaning (a conscious thought of physical desire for another person) to our experiences that they may not have had at the time.
Lastly I would argue that our mixed up ideas between conscious sexual actions (those spurred on by thinking of factors outside of our own bodies) and unconscious sensual response (the feel of silk against the skin) create neurosis and associated problems in our adult sexual interactions. Reminding ourselves that mind and body each have roles to play in our interactions, and sometimes they act contrary to each other is a good way to start reconciling our fears and understanding our sexual/sensual selves.
Thanks, Eddie Lousie, that’s very helpful.
I am enjoying your distinctions and am still unclear whether they fit 100% for me.
What I’m feeling into here is that the definition you have of sexuality is as a mental experience. For me, that is bad sex. What I see after reading your note is that the more tantric style of lovemaking that I prefer is the union of sexuality with sensuality, where lovemaking is not a mental fantasy or a journey towards a destination, but simply a sensory adventure to be explored in the present moment – a wave to ride until it returns back into the ocean.
I’m not sure what relevance that insight has to the topic we were discussing initially. I’ll digest that a bit.
Bottom line is – your distinctions make a lot of sense to me and I’m enjoying your clarity about them – and I’m not sure what the implications are. Plus: as I engage with my own sexuality/sensuality, those distinctions wash away in the enjoyment of two bodies uniting as one.
But this is a bit off topic now. I don’t feel we have 100% shared reality on this, but that’s okay. I have enjoyed your words.
As a newlywed wife, this post in inspiring for my future children. As a newlywed wife-of only 8 months- with a husband who still cannot consummate the marriage, this touches a very deep scar. He was told to be the “good boy”, and therefore has so much shame and guilt surrounding sex that he can hardly touch me. I would so appreciate further posts, classes, teachings, devotions, etc.–anything that helps me avoid making this mistake with our children, and anything that allows the two of us to heal.
Thank you.
I think your husband needs a really good sex therapist who can help him out of this misery. Be sure to read the books the therapist recommends too, for your own good information.
Wow Alyssa, I feel grief reading your post here. I also feel your longing. Is he open to doing this work along side you? Is the shame too great? Either way, feel free to reach out to me directly for further guidance/direction. Not much can happen until your husband starts the work.
Jayson,
Thank you for writing this important blog!
I recently came across the Talk by Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability. She describes shame as being the thing that prevents intimacy and connection. I appreciate what you’ve described, because as men, we can mentor our boys, free from shame and break the cycle that, as you’ve described, leads to porn and isolation.
Great job, brother!
Keep fighting the good fight!
Thank you bro!
I like the recognition that a lot of men and boys get lots of negative messages about their sexuality and their bodies as they grow up.
I am a little concerned, however, about possibly going too far to the opposite extreme. Sex can be wonderful, and many people find sex to be a deeply spiritual activity, but I’d hesitate to describe sexuality too much as something “sacred.” Positive imagery of sex is much better than negative imagery, of course, but setting up unrealistic, strictly religious views of sexuality leads to all sorts of other problems. Sometimes sex is neither evil nor sacred, just pleasurable, and sometimes not even pleasurable.
When do young people even in the best sex ed classes ever hear that sometimes people actually get bored with their sex lives? Calling it sacred may play up expectations that don’t always match reality.
Let’s not let teenagers get the idea that sex is always and forever an uplifting, emotionally rich experience that has to be totally wonderful every time or else you’re not doing it right. Or if you didn’t see angels then it must have been dirty. There is a kind of shame that comes from thinking you’re not doing it right.
In my view, sex is not a temptation for evil NOR is it a sacred gift of God. I would find it hard to see how one is really all that better a lesson than the other.
I agree. Sex is slightly messy, and faintly ridiculous. Nothing sacred about it!
If anything is sacred it is our emotional attachment to our chosen partner(s). And sex is often a core part of that. But some people have sex without forming attachments, and some people have meaningful relationships without sex. Both these things are fine, so long as this is communicated to your partner(s).
Good point. Sex can be fun and also funny. It can be all sorts of things besides holy or evil. And messy doesn’t mean dirty. Just because there are bodily fluids involved doesn’t mean that it’s evil.
Wellokay then–You raise a good point about not setting the bar too high, but I will inform my kids that in sex we can experience both poles. the highest bliss and union with God imaginable and deep, deep shame. And for me sex is sacred and I will teach it so. Sacred has nothing to do with religion to me. And, at the end of the day, everything is sacred. I choose to live a sacred live, that this human life is a gift and I won’t squander it, so teaching my children to respect life, their bodies, their animal desires is all part of it.
When I was 16, my mom gave me this hippie feminist book called ” Changing Bodies, Changing Lives” by the same group who wrote ” Our Bodies, Ourselves.” It was written for both boys and girls, and covered topics like masturbation, sex, birth control, and homosexuality in an amazingly straight-forward way. Don’t know if the book us still around, and it’s granola aesthetic may seem dated, but it was a real eye opener for me at that age.
the Unitarian Universalist church has a great sex ed curriculum called “Our Whole Lives” or OWL for short. It is adapted for all age groups, from little kids to adults, but mostly offered for young teens.