How do we reach men who don’t like or want help? Psychologist and Relationship Expert Maureen Campion has the answers.
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Brene Brown said, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
This got me thinking about my favorite topic – how to be more helpful to men, who don’t like therapy, who don’t like self help or parenting books, who don’t share their struggles easily and who are the ones “dumped” in 80% of divorces.
First of all, shame has gotten a bad rap. We all decided in the 70s that there are no bad feelings, right? So let’s talk about shame. Shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Shame makes us want to hide. We don’t like this feeling of course but it is part of being human. The problem is that parents and religions everywhere figured out a long time ago the power of shame to control people. Want compliance? Want control? A little shame goes a long way. Shaming someone as a means of getting your way is pretty shitty.
Men are biologically more sensitive to shame. From birth they are more easily emotionally flooded. The research says that even in breastfeeding babes, boys look away more quickly, finding the intense connection overwhelming.
Our husbands/partners were boys who were coerced into compliance especially in the area of masculinity. Homophobia was powerful. Raising a son who might be called a sissy was dangerous and the practice of “toughening up” boys to face a dangerous world seemed important.
These things happen for women, especially if you grew up in a highly traditional or religious family. These families often coerce a strong version of femininity – self sacrifice, focus on others, sex/body shaming.
I see men hungry for recognition, aching for thank yous, appreciation and recognition but unable to ask for or even acknowledge this need.
I see men so reactive to conflict that they can’t handle disagreement. They don’t mention their concerns, don’t pick fights, don’t express their needs in order to keep peace.
I see men for whom criticism or disappointment are kryptonite. They experience their partner’s frustrations as attacks, their unhappiness as failure.
In my office I see men struggle with their worth. They think they are their paycheck. They value work in a way that I do not think women can ever fully understand.
And shame…shame shuts you down. Shame feels hopeless and universal. If you suck, why try to change, why reach out for help? If you think you suck, you spend all of your energy trying to cover that up and never let anyone know that you suck.
When we walk in the world of men and boys, it is important to walk gently. It is important to notice shame and call it what it is. Shutting down can look like you don’t care when instead you care ferociously. We can hold people accountable without beating them up. It is important to help people walk back from the shame cliff and toward a healthier, more realistic place where everyone make mistakes and can own their humanity. Sometimes when we give people room to breath, the shame passes. In that moment it becomes possible to feel stupid and laugh. It is possible to make a mess and clean it up. It becomes easier to apologize or ask for help or just shake it off. People who make mistakes have so much room to learn and grow.
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Photo: simpleinsomnia/Flickr
This originally ran on Maureen’s site, MarriageGeek.
Interesting article, and mostly I agree. I just don’t know that I’m ready to throw shame away as a tool entirely. I’ve often encountered people, both men and women, who seem to exhibit unmerited confidence. Perhaps sometimes it is a facade to cover their insecurities, but it seems to me that, just as there are many who suffer from being unjustly shamed, there are those who could use a huge dose of it. Some people seem to actually believe that their shit doesn’t stink. Maybe as they’re being told the truth, they can be told it’s OK: in fact, acknowledging… Read more »
“strong version of femininity – self sacrifice, focus on others” I don’t know if self-sacrifice and focus on others strictly belong to females since the military and religious organizations and sport teams teaches or indoctrinate these things in both men and women. “I see men hungry for recognition, aching for THANK yous, appreciation and recognition but unable to ask for or even acknowledge this need. I see men so reactive to conflict that they can’t handle disagreement. They don’t mention their concerns, don’t pick fights, don’t express their needs in ORDER to keep peace. I see men for whom criticism… Read more »
Thank you Maureen.
This hits so close to home for me, that it hurts…
Thanks Msjay, loved your comment.
“The last words he said to me were “daddy loves you”; he passed away one month later. I encourage all men to “communicate” with your loves one, and don’t miss an opportunity to “express” what you’re really feeling” inside.” Many of us have done this only to see it backfire and haunt us. Even create deep psychological and emotional trauma. So, we are reluctant….. I just get the feeling that few women really want to know how we really feel about our lives, our emotions, our feelings, our daily struggles, our deepest fears, and our insecurities. To have these “issues”… Read more »
Jules, I am sorry that taking the risk to express your feelings “backfired”. Please remember that all women and men are not the same; don’t paint all of us with a broad brush. I enjoyed spending quality time with my father, he was and always will be my hero and the “first man I ever loved”. I also enjoy spending time with the men in my life, including my husband, 4 brothers, several nephews, and other male friends and acquaintances. I am sincere when I say that men underestimate how awesome they are. I realize that men are not women… Read more »
Maureen, I agree with several of your comments. I don’t think that men truly know what “awesome beings” they truly are. Sometimes, I think they accept and believe the stereotypes that the media feeds all of us. I’ve found that men can be gentle, strong, compassionate and deeply emotional. When growing up, I observed that my father, and later, my husband would “shut down” and become isolated when they couldn’t handle stressful or traumatic events in their lives. My father finally learned how to “reach out” to my mom (married 50 years) and all of his kids before he passed… Read more »