Never allow yourself to be someone’s option — especially not his or her second option. You deserve someone who values your true worth.
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I’ve recently been having a bit of a difficult time, which the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it seems.
Things are generally going very well for me.
I have millions of readers. I’ve recently received funding for two different projects. I live in the greatest city in the world with more beautiful women than you could count.
Everything is going well, sort of. Everything, except the one thing that matters most to me — this one girl.
Nothing gives you energy or drains you of it the way love does. When things are going great, you feel full of life, vibrant, ready to take on the world.
Nothing gives you energy or drains you of it the way love does. When things are going great, you feel full of life, vibrant, ready to take on the world.
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But when things aren’t going well, everything seems like a chore. Everything feels like it takes an enormous effort to accomplish.
Waking up and getting out of bed in the morning can even seem like a daunting task.
When it comes to love, if it isn’t reciprocated — even if only not to an equal extent — it’s your own personal hell.
I’ve managed to, once again, find myself in the same situation with, once again, the same individual, and I just can’t do it again.
There is only one thing worse than coming to grips with the fact that the one person in your life who is your priority only sees you as an option.
And it’s coming to grips with the fact that he or she sees you as option B.
It hurts worse than anything.
Love is the ego’s best friend and worst enemy. It can both reinforce all the great things we believe about ourselves and go on to tear it all down.
When you love someone, you are opening yourself up to him or her. You are making yourself vulnerable, showing this person a side of you very few people ever get to see.
You are basically offering yourself up as a sacrifice, hoping this person realizes he or she loves you just as much and decides to keep you alive.
But when you come to realize this person doesn’t love you the way you love him or her, this person means the world to you, and to him or her, you’re just an option — a possibility he or she isn’t even hoping for — it feels like this person laid you down on a table and drove a blade through your heart.
It’s the most embarrassing feeling in the world.
Our egos have the incredible ability to hurt in multiple ways, simultaneously. Yay.
While you may find yourself heartbroken after finding yourself in such a situation, you’re also likely to feel incredibly embarrassed.
People are afraid to say how they feel about each other, clearly for good reason.
I’m not sure how it is individuals can believe love to be some ethereal, tangible thing when it’s obviously possible for one person to love another without the other reciprocating that love.
And when that love isn’t reciprocated, you feel embarrassed. You put yourself out there, made yourself vulnerable, only to be told you’re being silly, basically imagining a love that doesn’t exist.
You may not literally be getting laughed at, but it sure as hell feels that way. You gambled, and you lost.
And the worst part is the one person you want to appear strongest to sees you as weak.
It makes you question your self-worth.
You may believe you’re an amazing individual. You may be right. Yet when we find our love is rejected or — even worse — we’re a secondary option, it makes us wonder if we’re as awesome as we believe we are.
Of course, we all have things about ourselves we’re proud of and other things we’re less than proud of.
Being told you’re not good enough will make you recheck yourself, but what you’re likely to conclude is the problem isn’t actually you. It’s the other person.
But coming to such a conclusion will take time — and the time it takes to arrive at such a conclusion won’t be pleasant.
Your future and your life have been completely altered, and it’s scary.
I’ve spent the last four years of my life trying to become the right person for — whom I now believe to be — the wrong person. It’s scary.
Most people won’t find themselves in my exact situation, but regardless of how long you’ve been pursuing this individual, how much you’ve dedicated yourself, your life, what difficult decisions you’ve had to make, the fact is that you created a future in your head for the both of you — and now that future is gone.
Now you have to start almost from scratch, heading in a direction you aren’t yet sure is the right one.
It makes you question your perception of the world, of life and of your personal reality.
Love has a way of tinting all that we see with a rosier hue. When we do things in the name of love, everything has a meaning, a purpose, a reason.
When we lose that purpose, the rest of our world seems to lose purpose.
Having been in similar circumstances before, I understood the chances of failure. I understood how likely or unlikely it was for things to work out.
My world wasn’t built upon the idealistic views of love they were once built upon — the views most people build their concept of love upon.
My world remains intact because I saw and calculated the risk of failure. I knew what I was getting myself into and built my reality around that knowledge.
Most people, sadly, are completely blindsided by such heartbreak.
They never see it coming, and when they get hit, they get hit so hard, their world literally disappears.
The only good news is if this ever happens to you again, you’ll be better prepared for it.
It pisses you off and, in a way, motivates you.
Should it? Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe you should let it go — let this person go. Maybe you should suppress your emotions or reason around him or her. But, f*ck it.
You have a right to be pissed off, and there is no good reason for you not to allow yourself to be pissed off.
Anger can be an incredible motivator; you just need to be sure not to direct that energy at yourself — or at the one who rejected you.
You already have enough on your plate, and the one who hurt you isn’t worth the trouble.
If you really want to get back at this person, create a life for yourself this person wishes he or she was part of.
It makes you realize you need to slow down, retrace your steps, regroup and redirect.
The worst thing you could possibly do after discovering, to the person you love, you’re only an option is to try and distract yourself completely. That isn’t what you ought to do.
If you need a few days of rampaging then be my guest, but be sure to slow down afterward and deal with the situation.
Slow down. Find the lessons that need to be learned. Take some time to get reacquainted with the world around you, the physical world that exists outside of your head and move on.
It won’t be easy, but life isn’t easy. It never will be. All you can do is continue working toward a better life, a better reality, a better world. And, of course, do your best to enjoy every step along the way.
Never allow yourself to be someone’s option — especially not his or her second option.
Have some respect for yourself and find someone who understands your true worth, how you deserve to be loved.
You could spend years dwelling in your misery and heartbreak, or you can pick yourself up and focus on other areas of your life that matter — focus on yourself; as long as you continue becoming better, eventually you’ll find someone who wants nothing more than to love you.
When that day comes, the journey that got you there will all make sense.
By Paul Hudson
Originally published at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
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Paul Hudson is a young writer, philosopher, and entrepreneur, Paul Hudson (@MrPaulHudson) has been writing for Elite Daily nearly since the start. He primarily addresses the successes and downfalls of love and life.
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Photo: Colle/Pixabay
Completely relatable. Been there myself and did exactly you said. At the end of the day I have things that only was a dream in the past.
Couldnt agree more. This is on point.
Loved this
The truth is everyone goes through this feeling. We love somebody, imagine a world and that person doesn’t see it in the same way we do. And then a catastrophe on our created world and we are done..It alSo seem to happen with someone who loves us but we are so busy in being a priority of someone that we don’t care about someone who wants to be our priority..
My story
One of the most sensible article I’ve ever read. Maybe bcoz I could relate to every bit of it, this of making so much sense.. cheers Paul! Looking forward to more of such beautiful writings from you.. 🙂 keep it up!
Reading this I felt, it’s me who has written this article. Such exact experiences
Nicely written article. Every word and emotion that you expressed is so true.
Its the memories which kills you from inside
“This one girl”? Are you dating a teenager? Why use minimizing language for a woman, would you let her call you a “boy”?
I don’t get why you’re so triggered by the use of words. How is it minimizing or degrading? By girl, he probably meant that she holds a special place in his heart. I, for one don’t tell my mom or anyone that I know that there’s this “woman” that I’m seeing– I just use the word girl. It’s more fluid and easier to use than the more formal word “woman”.
Yes I would. Me and my son call everyone girl or boy. My wife calling me a boy makes me feel young and full of life.
Life has different scenarios for everyone, just this month I thought I have found the one. The almost perfect guy but then after our last date it seems he is different and not the perfect one for me at all. We are all vulnerable and feelings are just hard to analyza all we can do is good for the best or just move on.
I have recently experienced this situation. We started as friends and eventually entered into a romantic relationship. Everything was so fast that we forgot the value of waiting for the right time. Things were doing great at first but then slowly things went sour he wasn’t sure if he wanted me in his life. I noticed that he wasn’t even choosing me as his partner everyday and was never a part of his priorities. I still valued the friendship that we had before but somehow I realized I don’t know if I can trust him again.
Anyone who does this is someone to lose fast and care nothing for quickly. Forget this kind of person. Decent people don’t treat others this way. They are not worth it. EMDR is your best friend. Old traumas are often the reason why its hard to disconnect from those who don’t honor and respect you.
Paul, 6 years for me. Been trying to let him go for 6 years. That’s how long can pass by and it is something who leaves and then I let him back. Cut it Paul if you can. ASAP. I wish I had. It is soo painful. But what is great is you can see yourself and your feelings as a result very clearly. That’s so good. Your writing about it helped me remember these feelings of inadequacy that comes from being in such a relationship where I’m just the option are only because of the situation not a reflection… Read more »
I’m speechless. Just a few minutes ago I was crying, feeling like I was all alone feeling the way I feel. Then scrolling down my timline I read this. Now I know I’m not alone and that nothing is wrong with me, all I need is some who to him I mean the world and vice verse. You have no idea how much this post changed my night.
EXACTLY what I’ve been doing/feeling/going through for over 3 years. I’ve finally realized I’m TIRED of feeling this way and just have to stay away.
I agree with most of the sentiments in this article. I am feeling similar at the moment.
I do have a concern though Pul about you putting these feelings in the public domain and how that will affect your girlfriend. Does she know you have written about this for all the world to see?
This is my experience..I know that I am just an option of my husband but because I love him so much..I cant let go..I just tolerated his unfaithfulness with multiple mistressess because I dont want a broken family..we have 2 kids.I just offered everything to God.
Honey, you deserve way better than that. You deserve to be a priority in someone’s life…..you are worth it…. And if you are thinking about the children, think about what seeing your relationship will teach them about how a relationship should be, how a man should behave and how a woman should behave. Lastly, I don’t believe in God, but do you really think God would want you in that situation? From what I know of God, he would want you to feel loved and be happy, but he gave you free will so you need to decide you want… Read more »
It is not worth it, believe me.
This is an amazing article which I wish I had the chance to read years ago – going through the painful ending to a similar thing now. In the end it took throwing away an amazing career abroad to come home to find out that I was just that – an option. It sucks, and seeing that person for who she really is is the hardest thing to make yourself do.
I needed to read this. I’ve been experiencing the same thing. I know that I deserve to be someone’s priority, and I’ve communicated that to a few someones in my lifetime, wanting them to choose me as their priority, only to continue being an option. I’ve struggled with the idea of not wanting to be someone’s option, and not wanting to be nobody’s anything. I think it’s easy for people on the outside of the situation, particularly those in happy relationships who have never really struggled to find happy relationships to be in, to try and be helpful for building… Read more »
This is the most painful experiment I have had with love. In my situation I know there was love there, but he was a classic “emotionally unavailable man” and had a very avoidant attachment style. So in order to protect himself he always made me a lower priority. I threw my heart, body, mind and soul on the table for him and it was never fully returned until the final hurrah when he sat me down and told me he cared about me but was not in love with me. All the things you wrote above I experienced. Total agony.… Read more »
Good on you, Sorel! Those red flags are so helpful when you have hold of the steering wheel and can avoid them. You’ll need friends to help you, make sure you have people you can lean on. 🙂 Speaking from my own experience, they made a world of difference to me.
Oh, Paul Hudson…for what it’s worth, I love you. Your writing has always found a way to ring true to my heart. Thank you.
Sounds like you could use a good dose of this website: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
Very, very useful stuff.
Paul, I’m sorry this is so hard for you. I’m going through the same thing. I fell for a man 2 years ago who was wonderful for all of 2 months. And I’ve been craving those 2 months for the last 2 years. I’ve tried 3 times before to let him go. This is my 4th time. Everything in me wants us to be together. But I have to remind myself that I am only half of the equation, and if he isn’t feeling it, nothing I can do can change that. It isn’t his or my fault. I don’t… Read more »
Thank you for your comment! You could not have said it better. I do agree with this article in many ways, because I’ve been there. However your comment hit home. life is short and all we can do is live our lives the best we can with or without them.
i am the other way. If I detect the other person is not interested in me and I am not his priority I totally lost interest. Total turn off. Doesn’t know what it says about me but I don’t waste my time with people who are not into me.
I agree Angie. That is exactly how I feel. I can’t make myself fall for someone who hasn’t fallen for me.
I was totally the same as you girls, a couple of years ago! Waiting for someone to fall for me, and then I could fall for them. Then it would happen, and I’d tell myself, well this guy is nice, and he loves me so much.. surely that will be good for me and I’ll be happy and I’ll fall more and more in love. Nope, always ended up breaking up with them a couple of years in. Then I took some time to figure out exactly what I wanted in a partner. ..Then I met this guy.. and I… Read more »
Do your best to learn to love yourself. You will never be happy until you do. You can never find true and lasting happiness in meeting someone new. The newness wears off and you’re right back in the same miserable place again. Loving yourself is the best thing you can do. I know this from personal experience. I was with a man for 27 years. Married and divorced, dated, married again, divorced again, he lured me back and then while we were still in the courting phase, heat another woman AGAIN. You’d think I’d know better after so long. I’d… Read more »
Tracie, do we know this because we’re older now? I’ll not allow my happiness to hinge on another ever again. It is mine – I own it! Losing yourself in someone else isn’t good for you in any way, shape or form. Find yourself, take a good look…create the most beautiful self you can, treat yourself with care….surround yourself with beauty, good people, creative activities. If someone comes along and wants to join you, great – just don’t expect them to make you happy. Appreciate others and allow them to be themselves. Drift together and apart if that’s comfortable. Option,… Read more »
I love what you said Donna. It’s exactly what I am going through right now. Fell for man and we had the most wonderful nine months… although those in months, I didn’t know what we were. I thought he felt for me what I feel for him. Unfortunately, he doesn’t see me the way I see him. I tried to let go three times as well and this is my fourth time and we’re trying to stay friends but I know things has changed. In a matter of days it turned a full 360 degrees and now it’s as if… Read more »