Jacob Nordby thinks about whether loving someone should ever mean parting ways
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For years there was a scene in my imagination which filled me with more dread than I can possibly express.
Picture me, a faithful husband of almost 20 years, sitting down with the first girl I ever kissed and saying, “I want a divorce”. It was unthinkable and I avoided this conversation until it became inevitable.
So why did it happen?
It wasn’t for any of the reasons that make headlines. No one beat anyone or cheated on anyone or became a gambling addict.
It all came down to this: getting a divorce was the most honest thing I could do.
God, I hated the long, slow process of facing this! Divorce violated my own Good Guy Code–especially if it didn’t involve any of the more dramatic reasons. I grew up in a religious sect which simply didn’t allow for divorce unless somebody got caught in adultery. Even though I left that belief system a long time ago, the residual loyalty to that standard remained. Also, my ex-wife and I have three children together. This fact kept me from facing my own growing questions longer than anything. I mean, we both love these kids and want them to leave our care as happy, healthy adults.
My journey in life has brought me to a point of knowing that the highest honor I can pay a person is honesty. Honesty liberates us both.
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But there was a moment on Valentine’s Day when I was standing in the greeting card aisle trying to pick out something that would tell the truth of my love for this woman. And I kept pulling the next one out, reading it and putting it back on the shelf with an increasingly heavy heart. Standing there with tears in my eyes, I realized that none of the romantic messages I was reading was honest. I just couldn’t do it to her. I couldn’t keep telling comfortable lies.
I’m a romantic man. I started reading books about marriage when I was a teenager with an aim to become the perfect husband. I really hoped I could deliver a command performance as a man which would result in an entire lifetime of growth, love and mutual happiness. This scene in the Valentine’s card aisle broke my heart and it told me a truth I had avoided for a long time.
My journey in life has brought me to a point of knowing that the highest honor I can pay a person is honesty. Honesty liberates us both.
Honesty, as Billy Joel sings, is such a lonely word. The trouble with honesty is that it usually lurks around the edges of our awareness for years but we are too afraid to look square at it.
The truth is I knew what my heart had been telling me for a long time and there was only one reason I refused to listen.
Fear.
It’s the reason I wouldn’t do what I knew must be done. I have written elsewhere that fear is just honesty asking to be lived.
And what are we afraid of in relation to the D word? Many things. We are afraid to hurt another person. We are afraid of what people will think—after all, even though more than 50% of marriages end in this way, we still hold a strong societal belief in happily ever after, and we can’t bear the judgment of our tribe. We fear financial devastation. We dread the jagged conversations and courtroom scenes. We are afraid that our children will be damaged forever. We fear the unknown of a thousand other things which lie outside what perhaps is comfortable misery.
But there came a time when the honesty caught up to me and wouldn’t allow me to turn away. If you have been there in the past or are facing it now, you know exactly what I mean. I was forced to face the slippery half-truths I had been telling myself for so many years.
For example, I had been telling myself that the growing lack of real connection with my partner was just what happens when people are together for decades, slugging out the mundane details of life together. But that was denying what I knew to be true: that we had never shared mutual joie de vivre, goals or outlook on life. We married when I was twenty and she was eighteen by a month. No matter how many great marriage books I read, or personal issues I faced or other things guaranteed to inject the magic back into relationships–nothing was going to overcome the reality that we had been walking different paths since the start.
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So, back to my Valentine’s Day dilemma, I did pick out a card for my then-wife. I did say “I love you” with roses–and I meant it. I also began to face the questions I had been eluding for so long.
One day, I held my breath and dived into the conversation I had feared the most. Of course, that led to many more long, tearful discussions and, as those conversations continued, it became apparent that love isn’t inconsistent with divorce. In fact, this parting of ways was the most loving, honest thing I could do.
When the path became clear in that way, the decision was really about taking the direction my heart knew to be true into the unknown, or turning back and coping with un-lived truths festering inside.
But regrets often haunt couples who split because many divorces are filed long before that much clarity is reached. We know when honesty has finally revealed itself because there is a deep sense of calm regardless of the emotions swirling around the edges. We know we can move forward with peace if certainty remains in quiet moments when we are alone with ourselves.
If we take the time to live out our questions, then what will appear is the truth. When this happens, we will be able to offer a great deal of compassion to everyone involved.
One day, I held my breath and dived into the conversation I had feared the most. Of course, that led to many more long, tearful discussions and, as those conversations continued, it became apparent that love isn’t inconsistent with divorce. In fact, this parting of ways was the most loving, honest thing I could do.
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If you are considering divorce, please don’t let it be because she cheated, or he wouldn’t help around the house, or because some more attractive partner showed up. Those are surface reasons and are probably fed by old patterns, co-dependency and wounds which will be repeated in future relationships (second marriages have an even higher statistical rate of failure).
No, if you can’t look yourself in the mirror and know for sure that divorce is the most honest thing you can do, then you owe it to yourself to dig in and do the work to find out why not. I know several couples who were obvious candidates to split, but they had something real and went the distance to rediscover it together. They learned more about themselves and each other and they are happier today than ever before.
To keep it real here, I won’t say that the road after even an honest divorce is always easy. Co-parenting and reassembling life in a new way is challenging.
But I can report that peace has followed my decision to choose courage over denial. The children are doing well, my ex-wife has found a wonderful new mate and my own work has opened in ways I couldn’t have previously imagined.
Life has a way of rewarding radical honesty with new doorways into our highest and best good.
And that is what we really desire the most, isn’t it?
Image: sylvar/Flickr
Thank you for sharing that,these informatin really help us in future
Utah Divorce,
Thanks for saying so. I wasn’t sure about the timing when this article was released. Right before Christmas seemed like a bit of a buzzkill. But, I am finding out that a lot of people are facing similar questions. If my story helps even one other person…
Thanks for stopping by!
Whew, I love this article. I remember feeling that similar feeling when I tried to pick the right card for my now ex-husband. He was a good man, but it wasn’t going to work (we were in a sexless marriage — not OK with me). I knew it in my heart, but I kept trying to not let that be true. It hurt us both to get divorced, but it was absolutely the right thing. I’m so much happier being honestly single than in a marriage that was just a facade.
Thank you for sharing that, Kat. Surprising how right it feels once all the dust settles, isn’t it?
I love this, Jacob. So right on. I wrote about my fairly similar divorce last year….. https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/why-everyone-should-get-divorced-before-marriage/ It was the honest thing to do, and we did it almost too late. Though, as I type this, he’s sitting next to me with our daughter as we get ready for family holidays…..
Alyssa,
That is an excellent article and beautifully written. Thank you!
Jacob, this is hard for me…the truth is about to be said…
I hope I’ll be back tomorrow to comment further but let me leave you with this. I found the perfect card for my soon-to-be ex-wife after rejecting many other cards. It simply says “Thank you for being a gift in my life. I love you”
Tom
Oh…I can feel that. And you have the perfect response. That is exactly what I said in several conversations (almost word for word). Thanks for being that kind of man.
I need that card for my ex-husband.
This is a totally random aside, but isn’t the paper goods word spelled “stationery” with an E? Just want to point it out and make you smile.
Haha, Ellen…
Wow. You are probably right. Good thing we can lay the responsibility for that typo on some random department store 🙂
Josh I will never judge anyone for their decisions, I am not in their shoes. To me love is a decision, an act of will that carries on long after attraction or lust dies. Marriage take work, it is not a free ride. It is acts of kindness, compromise, following one another, putting the relationship before other demands and most of all it is about communication. Somewhere you lost sight of one or more of these, your ex wife may have done too, but that’s not your responsibility, .your loss of direction is your responsibility. I’m sorry that I won’t… Read more »
Thank you for your perspective. I once held it and so I understand.
Hi Jacob/Chrissie, Jacob – I was moved by your story and I stared as I remembered my own. I totally agree with Chrissie with regards to love being an act of will that carries on long after attraction or lust dies. Sadly though after a heart surgery, my ex-husband finds a different route and things were no longer the same. The heart surgery was a risk I took to be able to get pregnant (aorta surgery). I know this may sound too personal but bottom line is he did not have the love for me (or the act of will… Read more »
Hello, Rayan Thank you for being here. In terms of “act of will”, I agree that love is a verb. However, learning what is ours to carry and what is someone else’s baggage is a worthy quest. Those who hold the belief system that living a heavy, co-dependent life is their duty will continue doing so until (if) they no longer do. Until that point, there seems to be no other way. I discovered that there was. Re: Blame. Here’s a great article by Good Men Project writer, Freya Watson: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/moving-beyond-the-relationship-blame-game-lal/ Thank you for your presence here–for taking the journey… Read more »
So Jacob, we can live and love within marriage without being codependent, but it takes self awareness.Love is interdependence and at times those do overlap. We promise to be faithful in sickness, for poorer. Sickness is a broad spectrum, from depression to Alzheimers. This promise does not mean we carry our spouse’s baggage – we should enable them to deal with it, or simply state that we have no part in it. But baggage is part of the human condition. A sickness. And we promise love in sickness. No one promised marriage would be a walk in the park. Would… Read more »
Jacob, How does it feel being naked in front of everyone? 🙂 I echo your words. I had a very similar experience in my marriage, and it turns out, the mistake wasn’t in getting divorced, it was the reasons we got married in the first place. And like you, many people in my life insisted that if there wasn’t infidelity, then I “wasn’t allowed” to get divorced. So, I asked a brother-in-law, “Would it be easier for you if I went out and had an affair?” There were things I would definitely do differently in my divorce; just as there… Read more »
Dr. Phil says … *If you are still emotionally involved with your spouse you are not ready for divorce.* Well, I’m glad I don’t adhere to that belief. If you’ve been married, had children and continue to co-parent with an ex-husband or ex-wife, you had better still be emotionally involved with your spouse or the future for the family dynamic is in deep jeopardy. When you create a life with someone, share dreams and daily chores, you do so because there is something in them and in you that is connected. If we are no longer emotionally connected, on some… Read more »
Jennifer and Debby I’ll answer you together because it’s late and I have some kids’ presents which need wrapping. First thank you both. Jennifer, I appreciate what you shared about your own journey. It all really is beautiful, isn’t it? I mean, even the parts which are jagged become bathed in grace if we let them. Debby, I understand what you are saying. I agree with Dr. Phil in this case (even though I’ve never watched him). Of course, I will always have an emotional thread to my ex-wife. I do love her and wish only for her highest joy,… Read more »
Debby — I’m not sure we disagree. I think what Dr. Phil is trying to say is that if there is still emotional entanglement, you are not ready to get divorced. Unlike Jacob, I have watched Dr. Phil plenty! 🙂 He says you have to earn your way out of a marriage by turning over every stone to try and make it work. There is a difference between being emotionally involved with someone and saying, “I love you. I wish you well on your way.” Then there’s being emotionally entangled and saying, “I love you, and dammit, I hate you,… Read more »