Aaron Paris reminds us that it’s a really good idea to consider the situation before speaking.
“Come in here, honey, it’s time to give me a lap dance.”
Before a woman’s going get freaky with you, she has to trust you. She doesn’t necessarily have to love you, but she has to trust you.
We sometimes miss the divide between what strangers really shouldn’t say to each other and what’s appropriate for certain intimate situations.
What’s inappropriate to yell out your car window (why are you yelling out your car window, anyway?), to say to someone at a party who you just met, or to post on Facebook, may be totally appropriate and even encouraged in intimate situations.
However, having never learned otherwise, some men think that explicit sexual suggestions directed at a stranger directly results in real interest in their suggestions, much like the classic Onion headline Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Lure Real Naked Women To Dorm Room.
This should be obvious.
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But some men have a more subtle problem with their attitude. They’re not shouting out car windows, but they feel that women should talk to them just because they’re present; count on stereotypical behavior, i.e., “buy me a drink and maybe I’ll hang out with you,” or expect them to be cool with sexual banter right away, to act like “just one of the guys.” This comes from a sense of entitlement, the idea that women have an obligation to talk to them even when they’re inappropriate or creepy.
By contrast, in an intimate situation, explicit sexual language, no matter how raw, comes with a certain understanding, with trust, with acknowledgement of the roles you’re playing. She’s not really a naughty coed, and you’re definitely not an Emeritus Professor.
She has the right to set boundaries. When you get to know her better, those boundaries may shift. Once trust is established, you can enjoy whatever roles are the most fulfilling.
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Male readers, consider this: maybe you want to dress in your girlfriend’s underwear and be spanked with the newspaper and told you’re a bad boy. That’s cool. If that’s what you want, you’ll discuss it with your girlfriend, and hopefully she’ll oblige.
But what if you’re hanging out at the bar with your friends and a stranger walks up to you, saying “Hey—cutie, hey, honey. I’d sure like to tie you up and spank you with the newspaper. I bet you’d like that.” How would you feel about this? Would you consider this intrusive, out of context, and just plain rude? It is.
Context matters.
If you’re thinking “No way, I’d love it if a woman did that to me. I’d love to be sexually harassed,” you’re probably not acquainted with women’s experience. This may sound nice in theory, but remember—you don’t get to choose when and where this happens, nor who approaches you. When you realize you’re viewed as a target, as a prize a woman is entitled to, you’ll reconsider.
There is an in-between, a gray area. Perhaps you’re at a party, you’re flirting with a stranger, and after some time, you get a sense that she’s open to suggestive language. This is the challenge for men. We must walk a fine line of acting respectfully, while also showing reciprocal sexual interest (if we have it). Every situation is different, so there is no one-size-fits-all way to respond to someone giving you a sexy vibe. When in doubt, say something like “I like your style, Alexa, but I’d like to get to know you better before we take the advanced class.” Indicate your interest, but don’t push the conversation too far in an explicit direction. There is always time for that later.
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Build trust and respect with a partner before getting kinky. And yes, gentlemen, that includes your being spanked with the newspaper, at least while people still read them. You can’t spank someone with a web site.
Photo: Russell James Smith
Aaron makes some very keen observations. I totally agree that men should watch their speech patterns around women they don’t know well. When they’re too vulgar it’s a total turn off!
If you’re thinking “No way, I’d love it if a woman did that to me. I’d love to be sexually harassed,” you’re probably not acquainted with women’s experience. This may sound nice in theory, but remember—you don’t get to choose when and where this happens, nor who approaches you. When you realize you’re viewed as a target, as a prize a woman is entitled to, you’ll reconsider. Everybody years for the experience they don’t have, women included, thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. It’s a delusion, of course, but very human. Women would like to be… Read more »