Many a ballsy broad, Amanda Marcotte argues, is afraid to say ‘Please do this’ or ‘Don’t do that’ in bed. Here’s what some women are really thinking.
Our sexist culture unleashes many forms of toxic socialization on its inhabitants, but few lessons seem to take as well as teaching girls from the cradle to coddle the male ego, not just with flattery but with a deep unwillingness to speak truths that could cause men to feel uncomfortable or imperfect. And nowhere is this less true than in the sack. Many a woman who feels herself a ballsy broad in her daily life finds herself in bed, afraid to say “Please do this” or “Don’t do that” for fear of confronting a man looking shocked, upset, or disappointed—which can push a button installed in us as little girls labeled Failure As A Woman.
We know we should get over it already. We know we should speak up and take our lumps and men who can’t handle it are bad lovers we should be dumping anyway. It’s not like we’re not trying. The female half of the human race spends an ungodly amount of time and money trying to unlearn passivity and replace it with a dose of speaking up for themselves.
In the meantime, however, there’s a number of things women are thinking about sex that tend to go unsaid, but you men should probably know them anyway.
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We can tell when you’re doing something because you saw it in a porno.
Most sex in porn is about what’s good for the camera, not what’s good for the participants in it, especially the women. In fact, many things that look good in porn can keep us from having fun in real-life sex. For instance, in porn the only parts of their bodies the actors often touch are their genitals, so that the camera can get a full view of the action. But in real life, sex is more of a whole-body experience, and the genital-only thing can feel cold and masturbatory.
Of course, we know that men know this, and most would deny that they’re doing stuff because it looked good in a porn and not because it felt good in the moment. So we’d rather not bring it up when you do stuff that looks better in porn than it feels in life. We don’t want to argue over whether or not that’s what you’re doing. But when you do something you picked up in a porn that doesn’t add to the real-life pleasure, we take notice and we’re often hoping you get it out of your system so we can move on to activities that are actually fun.
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Endurance is overrated.
It’s not that cultural jokes about two-pump chumps are completely baseless. Women do like having sex, and most of us can point to at least one or two experiences where a man orgasmed as soon as he touched you, and then rolled over and fell asleep while you wondered if that was all you’re going to get. But just because women would prefer intercourse to last more than 60 seconds doesn’t mean that longer is always better. If you consider a point of pride that you can thrust away for an hour without coming, there’s a high chance your partner is lying under you wondering how on earth she can say she’d have liked to wrap it up 40 minutes ago, but is afraid to say anything because she doesn’t want to stomp all over your accomplishments. The vagina’s ability to continue lubricating itself is limited, which can make marathon sex feel more like a duty than a joy.
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Next: Is the “Big O” is more trouble than it’s worth?
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Great article
First, I’d like to say that this, “what men/women want.” BS is getting old. As a modern day self identified lady, I’ve got to point out that this article is not credible and that there are much better ways to find out what your partner wants in their sex life. Yes, I agree that women have been shamed in to accepting a sex life the is not based on their needs. Quite the opposite actually, and it can be quite traumatic to get to a place where sex is liberated and pleasurable. Articles like this one make is so that… Read more »
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I don’t know why any of this is surprising…it’s the same stuff that I’ve seen in sex articles since I was 16. Now I’m 39. In the last 21 out of 22 years of my sexual experiences I’ve not been in the least bit hesitant to talk about this with my partner or anyone else (on a general level) for that matter. I’m not at all interested in being sexually intimate with someone I can’t or won’t talk about sex with.
Some useful generalized info here but not definitive.
I’ve met plenty of women, both friends and lovers, who don’t match the ‘be gentle’ criteria for example. One of my female friends dumped a pal for being too gentle, while a demure ex-lover wanted scarily ungentle things done to her nipples at her peak moments. These things are as unique as the woman. Same for men.
Hey guys who are commenting by questioning the validity of the points, you are proving everything about why this post was written. You are a man, not a woman, so therefore you have no right to question these points which were written based on WHAT WOMEN SAID. Again, you are proving how hard it is for some men to move past misogynistic tendencies.
Yes!
Guys; Here are some VERY important things to remember if you want to be come a great lover. Don’t think about your pleasure , try to feel hers. PAY ATTENTION to how her body responds to each and every touch. Women LOVE the feeling of anticipation… wait for her body to tell you what feels good and then take it away … then come back . If she has to verbally explain to you her needs, it really takes away from her ability to let go. Women can get themselves off on their own ,but they can’t take themselves to… Read more »
Bravo!
THIS wins the internet.
I have never been offended by a woman telling me what she wanted either before, during or after sex. If given the opportunity to be a better lover than I want to be able to make the experience tremendous for her. As a man who has the stamina and can “pound” for an hour I became very aware that most woman do not care for it, the problem that happens is when the man is expected to orgasm, otherwise the woman feels deficient, what a turn off! I could care less if I orgasm, I am there for the journey… Read more »
i see a list article and cringe, arm bells go off in my head MASSIVE GENERALIZATIONS INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!! lets go 1 by 1 shall we. What i have a hard time getting past is that Assumption i would do something i saw in an adult movie, that i can’t distinguish Filmed fantasy from reality, nice. Endurance is Over rated, i know, because some of us don’t have a choice, just like some guys are very fast some of us as very slow, and some of us are VERY VERY slow… it’s problematic really, and it takes a lot of understanding to… Read more »
I just wanted to point out that your comment contains a lot of generalizations.
Ha!
my last girlfriend always told me that I knew how to please her she would tell me that I am always good with my hands and tongue I would massage your whole body download hot oil for an hour or more I would work out the soreness in our muscles then I’d start at the top of her head with my tongue and slowly lick every inch of her body all way down to her toes and suck on her toes then I would turn her over and work my way back up there is nothing in this world that… Read more »
This is probably, for me, the only true article on the internet. The whole time I was reading it, I kept going in my head, “that’s so true!!” I don’t know about other women, but I’ve never had an orgasm during sex, I’ve been down on one time for less than a minute and I don’t feel like I should ever ask anything because when I have, it was denied. I hear there are men out there who like to please their woman…. I kind of chuckle, because I never see it, but if it’s true, men should ask and… Read more »
You just need to be more pushy and persistent about YOUR needs in bed. Sex isn’t for him, it’s for both of you, and if you aren’t getting pleasure out of it what’s the point? Find out what you like and don’t be afraid to go for it, and if anyone shuts you down for it kick them to the curb because they are lame anyways. There is nothing wrong with sex, women liking sex, or giving instructions/guidance on what you like. Why make the most enjoyable act out there unpleasant? You just have to find the right guy who… Read more »
Point number two is usually not true, but feel your way into this slowly.
How is point 2 untrue? Are you a woman who doesn’t mind endless pumping? Didn’t think so, so shut up and don’t try to assume you know what women mind. They said it, so it’s obviously true!
Amazing article, very interesting and helpful. Thank you!
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>> teaching girls from the cradle to coddle the male ego, not just with flattery but with a deep unwillingness to speak truths that could cause men to feel uncomfortable or imperfect. <> the female half of the human race spends an ungodly amount of time and money trying to unlearn passivity <<
And then there are those that enjoy being so. Not in everyday life, but definitely in the bedroom. It's horses for courses.
The article has some correct points. But it's mostly short-sighted PC generalisations. In reality, everyone is different.
Rang mostly true for me.
Even to be passive you need control; you still need to be able to talk about sex, to let the other part know what you like and find someone who minds it enough… and most passive people still want to feel pleasure and reach orgasm. I don’t think the article was talking about passivity in the bedroom ONLY.
Something you missed: I wish men would trim their body hair more (especially if they expect me to go down on them). Hair tickles and feels gross in the mouth. Also: in the genital region it is prone to stinkage.
YES.
YES. [2]
And in the armpit area as well.
Great article ~ thanks so much for posting it!
The most horrific thing I’ve heard from women about what they didn’t tell their men is that for the entirety of their relationship, they never had an orgasm with them during intercourse. Never. Ever. All through dating & marriage. Now they’re bitter & blaming. They’ve been brainwashed to think that their men are responsible for their orgasm. The whole foundation of their sexual relationship is built on a lie. They have years and years of not speaking up for themselves. The time passes, they realize the more they wait to speak up, the harder the news will be, so they… Read more »
“The most horrific thing I’ve heard from women about what they didn’t tell their men is that for the entirety of their relationship, they never had an orgasm with them during intercourse.” Well, most women can’t orgasm with intercourse alone, so that’s nothing new. And many women are also okay with not orgasming during intercourse, as long as they orgasm before or after. You are totally a straight dude, uh? By what you said about “coital orgasms” and now the “everyone is responsible for their own pleasure” we can see it. You see, people are responsible for knowing their bodies,… Read more »
As a lesbian, I am so glad I don’t have to put up with this kind of b.s!
Bet you have. You just don’t want to admit it.
I personally would not feel frustrated for being instructed. In fact, I’ve eagerly asked for it before. And have often been made to feel foolish for asking. What gets frustrating for guys is when the woman they’re trying to please doesn’t know what she wants, but DOES know what she doesn’t. Or the woman who thinks she is putting on a brave face by not making any suggestions, but whose body language shouts “I’m disappointed!” If the guy is someone you’ve been in any kind of meaningful relationship with, he knows you’re disappointed and is probably beating himself up every… Read more »
How about men stop making porn that creates the idea that the male orgasm is what it’s all about? How about we stop with the “cumshots” and idea that men enjoy watching the ejaculations of other men (because that’s just gay, honestly. You can tell yourself it’s not but if you’re getting off watching another man ejaculate, you have some gay issues in there.) Men have historically created the pressure they feel around their penises and orgasms and sexual issues. Men are their own worst enemies.
According to this. I’m pretty good in bed. But i guess I have to be. I last a long time whether I like it or not, and unfortunately that is more of a curse than a blessing. But it also means that i enjoy the journey far more than the end goal. and it also mean I like to try new things.. which bring me to my question to all the women here. How do women feel about analingus? I tried it on two women. One was silent, but seems to enjoy it, the other shied away from me quicker… Read more »
I would say that anything involving anal play is not something you should spring on a woman without knowing how she feels about it first – i.e., ask her if it’s something she likes or is willing to try, instead of just diving down there yourself unannounced. The anal region can be very sensitive, and if a woman isn’t interested in it or has never tried it, it can feel like a massive invasion of personal space to just go for it without prior discussion or permission. Women are going to vary in whether they like it or not –… Read more »
Yeah. I actually do like it, but it needs to be within a relationship or with someone I’m very comfortable. Not really something I want to try the first time that I have sex with someone. There’s a lot of trust involved. It doesn’t make me orgasm, but it’s enjoyable. That’s one woman’s opinion, though. All women’s bodies are different.
Thanks for the replies… I would usually just “dive in” but, you are both right, I will bring the topic up next time first.
It’s gonna be disappointing though when she refuses because of fear of the unknown. Sometimes we have to try something before we realize we like it. I used to refuse to eat the delicious pickled eggplant my mother makes. Now I love it.
Have you ever been fooling around with a women when she stuck her finger in you without any word beforehand??
I think many man who imagine themselves in this situation would be MORTIFIED by having that done to them without permission.
so have you tried it? and did you realize you like it?
I personally don’t like having my anal area touch. It immediately causes a disgusting sensation, like I’m about to fart or something. At best, it feels ticklish, like my underwmear has gotten twisted. So, yes, you should ask first. And if she says she doesn’t like it, don’t keep pushing her to keep trying it.
How is it possible that you thought it was a good idea to put your mouth on an anus of any kind? Do you not know basic human biology and the toxins that live inside and AROUND the anus? Bacteria live on the skin, it’s not a clean area. Unless you like eating feces, and then it’s still unhealthy and unclean and you need a psychiatrist.
Interesting article. Every woman (and man) is different, of course. I’m incredibly lucky and have a man who actually bought a vibrator with me and enjoys bringing it to bed and watching me with it—and who is beyond amazing at cunnilingus, not letting me be awkward about it, like I was in the past. I wonder if there’s also vice versa on the porn thing. Can guys tell when a woman is trying to act like something she saw (or thought she would see) in a porno (or even a movie) to please the guy? My natural reactions to sex… Read more »
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The nail is so pretty.
Best & most inportant comment out of all! 😀 It really is a pretty nail. <3 🙂
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