Many a ballsy broad, Amanda Marcotte argues, is afraid to say ‘Please do this’ or ‘Don’t do that’ in bed. Here’s what some women are really thinking.
Our sexist culture unleashes many forms of toxic socialization on its inhabitants, but few lessons seem to take as well as teaching girls from the cradle to coddle the male ego, not just with flattery but with a deep unwillingness to speak truths that could cause men to feel uncomfortable or imperfect. And nowhere is this less true than in the sack. Many a woman who feels herself a ballsy broad in her daily life finds herself in bed, afraid to say “Please do this” or “Don’t do that” for fear of confronting a man looking shocked, upset, or disappointed—which can push a button installed in us as little girls labeled Failure As A Woman.
We know we should get over it already. We know we should speak up and take our lumps and men who can’t handle it are bad lovers we should be dumping anyway. It’s not like we’re not trying. The female half of the human race spends an ungodly amount of time and money trying to unlearn passivity and replace it with a dose of speaking up for themselves.
In the meantime, however, there’s a number of things women are thinking about sex that tend to go unsaid, but you men should probably know them anyway.
♦◊♦
We can tell when you’re doing something because you saw it in a porno.
Most sex in porn is about what’s good for the camera, not what’s good for the participants in it, especially the women. In fact, many things that look good in porn can keep us from having fun in real-life sex. For instance, in porn the only parts of their 
bodies the actors often touch are their genitals, so that the camera can get a full view of the action. But in real life, sex is more of a whole-body experience, and the genital-only thing can feel cold and masturbatory.
Of course, we know that men know this, and most would deny that they’re doing stuff because it looked good in a porn and not because it felt good in the moment. So we’d rather not bring it up when you do stuff that looks better in porn than it feels in life. We don’t want to argue over whether or not that’s what you’re doing. But when you do something you picked up in a porn that doesn’t add to the real-life pleasure, we take notice and we’re often hoping you get it out of your system so we can move on to activities that are actually fun.
♦◊♦
Endurance is overrated.
It’s not that cultural jokes about two-pump chumps are completely baseless. Women do like having sex, and most of us can point to at least one or two experiences where a man orgasmed as soon as he touched you, and then rolled over and fell asleep while you wondered if that was all you’re going to get. But just because women would prefer intercourse to last more than 60 seconds doesn’t mean that longer is always better. If you consider a point of pride that you can thrust away for an hour without coming, there’s a high chance your partner is lying under you wondering how on earth she can say she’d have liked to wrap it up 40 minutes ago, but is afraid to say anything because she doesn’t want to stomp all over your accomplishments. The vagina’s ability to continue lubricating itself is limited, which can make marathon sex feel more like a duty than a joy.
♦◊♦
Next: Is the “Big O” is more trouble than it’s worth?
[ 1 | 2 ]
Pages: 1 2
About Amanda Marcotte
isn’t it just awesome how the picture that goes with Marcottes article features jmultiple examples of female game fakery and gimmicky?
The problem here is that men are not full body lovers and are hard wired differently to the full body erotic system that women have. I don’t like to have more than my groin fondled. I also like having fresh air and not something rebreathed when I am trying to finish what I’ve started. There are two books involved here. The smallest being “What men know about women” and the largest being “What women just think they know about men”…No you don’t know if I saw it on a porn site. And if you would like us to ”hurry it up and be done with it” then I suggest you climb out from under and help.
I’m a man and love full body sex. Your personal experiences should not be generalized to the whole male population..
Most every guy I know likes it when I grab their ass or rub my hands on their back, arms, and in their hair during sex. So no, it isn’t true for every guy.
You know what’s funny. This article makes some very good points… And many men’s lives would improve if they understood them.
The problem? Its written in feminist-shaming languaging. It goes from the assumption that men don’t know this these things out of some evil spite to hurt and opress women.
Does amanda prefer the languaging or helping women?
I’ve made the exact same points that this article makes and gotten men to praise me for it, simply because I shared it as a cool thing that they never knew about (and I didn’t most of my life).
Not all male ignorance is an evil conspiracy theory against women.
I don’t know, just seems like an advice column to me. A lot of men don’t know these things, from my experience. The porno thing is right on — I mean, so many guys try to use moves they learned from pornos and it is SO obvious. Like hair pulling, Just to give one example. I never had sex with a guy who pulled my hair until the 2000′s and then suddenly every guy I slept with was yanking on my hair. I was confused because, I mean, is that supposed to be erotic? Really? Then saw my first hard core porno movie a few years ago (I had never watched porn) and suddenly it all made sense — it’s a total porn move. Guys now have watched so much porn they can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.
Sexist pig.
I’ve actually had women request that I pull their hair, and their reactions to it convinced me they were being honest. To each their own I suppose.
I effing LOVE having my hair pulled. To each their own.
Actually… I LOVE having my hair pulled during sex, and so do lots of girls I know.
I dont know, depends what kind of porn you have seen. But on the other hand, lot of girls love the hairpulling. Dont ask me, If I do it, its because for them. Otherwise i wouldn bother
“Not all male ignorance is an evil conspiracy theory against women”
Yes it is!!
Amanda told and she knows cause she’s oppressed and obviously sexually!
IMO allot of whats described here results from females being sexually passive, the article emanates from a passive position. Sexual timber complaining about getting their bark chipped. Female passivity is rooted in western sexual culture. Ask any man if his partner is ever sexually aggressive and the answer sadly will be a repetitive “NO”. Ask him if he would like her to be and the answer is a repetitve “YES”.
This whole article is rooted in female sexual passivity. It’s less of a glass ceiling and more of a glass dildo!
“Ask any man if his partner is ever sexually aggressive and the answer sadly will be a repetitive ‘NO’. Ask him if he would like her to be and the answer is a repetitve ‘YES’.” Guess you haven’t polled my husband on that one. Generalizations are tricky things like that, see.
I agree that this article is rooted in female sexual passivity, but it seems you’re missing the reasons for that. The author clearly sites them in the article. Some men DO find sexual aggression intimidating, and is it really passive or cowardly to not further emasculate them for not abiding by society’s norms of what a sexual male libido/preference should be?
I could go on, but the point is that both sides of this argument are completely moot if the couple simply engages in open, honest communication about what they want sexually. Men as well as women can be equally withholding of information in this department. Men for fear of being seen as a sexual predator or “freak”, and women for fear of emasculating their partner and “hitting below the belt”, as it were.
Shit what I wouldn’t give for a bit less passivity!? My wife is all about the, “Ravish me, but only in the ways I want you to. Just throw some ideas out there for me to ho hum or reject.” God what I wouldn’t give for a lover who wanted something, anything.
amanda marcotte on sex…..without this I could never ever be a good man. I desperately want to be one but this is what you’re offering? come on, this is cosmo for men. actually, it’s for chicks and gays. I come now and then. The thing that makes this site stand out is how shallow it is. It’s just shallow.
I think what makes it stand out is how much advice is slung by women (often single) and men who seem to write for their praise. I don’t see myself or my friends in many of these authors. But we’re probably not good men. What’s good anyway?
Great advice, advice that John Edwards probably was aware of when Amanda Marcotte worked for him. And while he was boning Rielle on the side, possibly as a relief from his nagging, termagant wife.
Perhaps it would have been better to interview SEVERAL women. Just a thought.
I’m sorry, but I couldnt get past the picture for this article. The womans fake fingernail is on UPSIDE DOWN for crying outloud…I can’t take seriously anything in an article with a woman that doesn’t even know which end is up on her nails.
Holy shit, I noticed that too! It drove me insane.
YAY! I thought I was the only one who was distracted by that…
no real bad photoshop job indeed. It was the first thing that popped out to me as well. lol
“We can tell when you’re doing something because you saw it in a porno”.
That’s a good sign, men can tell when you do something because your a feminist. Like PC sex, it’s boring and superficial and slightly better than masturbation but not always.
“Endurance is overrated”.
Absolutely, there is hardly any need for a man to ejaculate if he is not aroused to begin with. But at times saying no can effect a woman’s ego, which leads to questions like “do I look fat”. (no just your ego)
“We actually do know what will get us to orgasm”
Well then what’s the big secret? If you can ask for garnishments in a restaurant what’s holding you back in bed? If you don’t want to be perceived as an emasculating bitch learn some communication skills so you don’t sound like one. As far as having a man go done on you, try being clean or you might get the pussy pass you didn’t want.
“Getting there” is more trouble than it’s worth
When it includes allot of neurotic mind games it’s more trouble than it’s worth and “getting there” is a great reason to finish. As for the fake orgasm LOL, turning up the volume is faking glad someone finally admits that all women do it. Male stoicism is more like male disappointment. Did you ever consider the possibility that most men only experience two kinds of sex, maintenance sex and obligatory sex. I think the politically correct definition for male lust is rape and we can’t have that.
“Our bodies are very sensitive when aroused, so err on the gentle side”
A little tip for women, don’t bring power games into the sex bed, try some equality. Passivity leads to uncomfortable sex, lead by example, give willingly as much as your willing to take. The big lump of flesh attached to the penis is an erogenous zone called a man.
Absolutely the best and easiest way to communicate your sexual desires is to lead by example. Or you can be passive and complain, much like this article.
What a hoot feminine cosmopolitan neurosis for men. LOL!!
Men can be passive too, actually. I’ve had boyfriends who never wanted to initiate anything. If I wanted something new or different, I had to ask for it. But the more I took the lead, the less they wanted to take the lead, which was very boring for me. So I understand male frustration with a passive partner, because it is also frustrating for women to be with a passive partner. Let’s just say that passivity by either party is generally not conducive to good sex (unless a dominance-passivity dynamic is what you are into, I suppose). However, I also want to mention that when I was in my early 20′s, I was much too embarrassed to ever talk about what I wanted or what turned me on. I was happy to let the guy take the lead and make him guess what I wanted, which wasn’t very healthy looking back on it, but I really didn’t know what else to do. Sexuality is very complicated for most people, and I think you have to have some empathy for other people’s hang ups, while hopefully being able to work through them. I think everyone really wants to have great sex but not everyone knows how to achieve it.
“… maintenance sex and obligatory sex… ”
Well said. If you’re starving, you’ll eat anything. And god forbid I express any disappointment in the bedroom at home. She then wants it even less because she feels self conscious.
Like I’m not supposed to feel self-conscious about wanting what she wants when she wants it.. and for the right reasons. Pornography is arousing to men? Shocking!
I stopped reading this article when I heard the misogynistic phrase, ballsy broad. Very offensive.
As an airbrush artist, I have a shirt I did that only I wear. It’s Spider-Man clinging to a brick wall, those familiar wavy lines radiating from his head. Painted on the brick wall is a giant version of that famous pictogram of a bull taking a dump. Also emanating from the wall-crawler’s head is the following “thought balloon”:
“Bullshit sense…tingling…!!!”
Despite having a highly-developed “bullshit sense” set for high gain when reading articles such as this, it didn’t go off…not once. Why? First off, articles such as this come under the heading “…your mileage may vary…” no disclaimer of this is really necessary on the part of the author. Not ALL men exhibit the behaviors described, but enough men do that the author felt it was worth writing and the site editors felt is was worth displaying here. I was more than willing to read it since if we’re all honest with ourselves as men, very few of us are sexually omnipotent and the same goes for women. Also, these types of articles carry an odd curse with them. Since the subject matter is female complaints of male sexual misconceptions & behaviors they’re too skittish to talk about with men, it’s easy to fall into a trap of gender defensiveness as a male reading this piece. I sincerely believe that isn’t the case here. Remember the title: “What Women Won’t Tell You”…the author chewed this idea over with other female friends (the number of them isn’t all that important) and came up with a “complaints & grievances” list that obviously ran from even current boyfriends & spouses going backwards across their personal sexual histories to come up with these topics.
Critique of male sexual prowess by a female bed-partner is littered with so many land-mines it could truly be considered the female version of a loaded situation usually experienced by men when their wives & girl-friends ask “Does this dress make my ass look big?” This was a decent attempt to defuse the land mines and give some attention to something worth discussing.
Let’s cut each other some slack, shall we?
Well said! Some of the responses to this article illustrate exactly why women don’t want to speak up about sex with men. The author offered advice in this article, but it seems many men take her words as a personal insult, part of some grand feminist plan….yada, yada, yada and are doing nothing but insulting her instead, JUST LIKE a little boy with a hurt ego. I always speak up about what I like in bed and enjoy being the aggressor. I also try to listen to Any guy who can’t handle it? On to the next!
If the only way a woman can speak up is to blame her partner then, yes, it might be better not to. If, on the other hand, she’s capable of phrasing her grievances in an adult manner and recognising that sex is something that happens between two people (not something that men do *to* women) then communication is highly valuable and should be encouraged.
The reason these men are complaining is because she’s phrasing common problems with sex as being caused only by men.
I think any list of what women want in bed is limited. Women don’t all want the same thing. Some women want intercourse to last a long time, some don’t like finger-banging. Some think orgasm is more trouble than it’s worth, others know exactly what they want and wish you would do it.
Generalizations don’t work. Communication does. Maybe that’s why sex in a loving relationship is more satisfying for most people.
I agree with some of the posts. Men need to stop getting their little feelings so hurt. It seem that if women tell them that women are not enjoying sex with them, that they would try to hear it and improve. This is part of the reason women have issues about having sex with you guys. It really is more of a bother for us, because 9 times out of 10, we aon’t enjoy it. You see men, we are wired totally different from you. You all don’t need all the foreplay like we do. You may enjoy it, but truthfully, you have already gotten aroused by the woman walking down the street and you get hard at the drop of a hat. Not so for most of us most of the time. Now, sometimes we are horny and can go right to it. I am saying all this to say, stop telling us that your feelings get hurt when we as women tell you all that most times you all are lousy in bed because it seems that your selfishness keeps you from really doing the foreplay thing for us. And pleaseeeeeeeeeeee, stop saying women emasculate you just because we can tell you all some things you needddddddddd to know. Drop the ego-pride thing. It’s what keeps you from being human!!!!!!!
Did you bother reading the men? They’re annoyed because they get so much shaming of their sexuality that it becomes annoying when they see another article shaming things some men do. They also do not like the mind-reading behaviour, women who “know” it’s because the guy saw it in a porno and assuming that’s the only reason. The guys also gave a list of things many women should listen to so both can have a decent sex life. Ego-pride is a human trait, stop shaming people based on their emotions. They have every right to their emotions and it’s as bad as calling women crazy, it’s also a term used in a sexist manner towards men.
And seriously, the assumptions that most women don’t enjoy sex? Have you polled 2billion women? (guessing up to a billion for children and thus void from conversation). NOT ALL MEN get hard at the drop of a hat, not all men orgasm quickly, not all men want sex, not all men want sex a lot. Assuming sex is more of a bother for women is quite insulting to both men and women, and truly sounds like playing the victim card mixed in with some good ol fashioned shaming.
Many men are willing to listen to valid criticism, but they HATE the generalizations and shaming. Get it now? Viagra exists for a reason you know….
Ms. Truth For Real, or the men could move on to another partner who does appreciate them.
To the author, I’ve tested most women I know, admittedly compared to 3 billion on the planet my sample size is small, and none of them have demonstrated accurate mind reading capabilities; though quite a few are excellent at projection.
The nail is so pretty.
Best & most inportant comment out of all!
It really is a pretty nail. <3 
http://derailingfordummies.com/
Interesting article. Every woman (and man) is different, of course. I’m incredibly lucky and have a man who actually bought a vibrator with me and enjoys bringing it to bed and watching me with it—and who is beyond amazing at cunnilingus, not letting me be awkward about it, like I was in the past.
I wonder if there’s also vice versa on the porn thing. Can guys tell when a woman is trying to act like something she saw (or thought she would see) in a porno (or even a movie) to please the guy? My natural reactions to sex and ‘O’ faces do not resemble those in porn. Yet, sometimes I’ll do the cutesy moans and give certain angles because I want to make a partner happy, or feel like that’s what he’s expecting. Other times, I’ll just let myself enjoy the moments, grunts, funny faces, bad angles, and all. Just a thought.
According to this. I’m pretty good in bed. But i guess I have to be. I last a long time whether I like it or not, and unfortunately that is more of a curse than a blessing. But it also means that i enjoy the journey far more than the end goal. and it also mean I like to try new things.. which bring me to my question to all the women here.
How do women feel about analingus? I tried it on two women. One was silent, but seems to enjoy it, the other shied away from me quicker than I could have imagined…
I would say that anything involving anal play is not something you should spring on a woman without knowing how she feels about it first – i.e., ask her if it’s something she likes or is willing to try, instead of just diving down there yourself unannounced. The anal region can be very sensitive, and if a woman isn’t interested in it or has never tried it, it can feel like a massive invasion of personal space to just go for it without prior discussion or permission.
Women are going to vary in whether they like it or not – but I think it’s safe to assume women universally would prefer that you breached the topic first before giving it a try.
Yeah. I actually do like it, but it needs to be within a relationship or with someone I’m very comfortable. Not really something I want to try the first time that I have sex with someone. There’s a lot of trust involved. It doesn’t make me orgasm, but it’s enjoyable. That’s one woman’s opinion, though. All women’s bodies are different.
Thanks for the replies… I would usually just “dive in” but, you are both right, I will bring the topic up next time first.
It’s gonna be disappointing though when she refuses because of fear of the unknown. Sometimes we have to try something before we realize we like it. I used to refuse to eat the delicious pickled eggplant my mother makes. Now I love it.
Have you ever been fooling around with a women when she stuck her finger in you without any word beforehand??
I think many man who imagine themselves in this situation would be MORTIFIED by having that done to them without permission.
so have you tried it? and did you realize you like it?
I personally don’t like having my anal area touch. It immediately causes a disgusting sensation, like I’m about to fart or something. At best, it feels ticklish, like my underwmear has gotten twisted. So, yes, you should ask first. And if she says she doesn’t like it, don’t keep pushing her to keep trying it.
I personally would not feel frustrated for being instructed. In fact, I’ve eagerly asked for it before. And have often been made to feel foolish for asking.
What gets frustrating for guys is when the woman they’re trying to please doesn’t know what she wants, but DOES know what she doesn’t. Or the woman who thinks she is putting on a brave face by not making any suggestions, but whose body language shouts “I’m disappointed!”
If the guy is someone you’ve been in any kind of meaningful relationship with, he knows you’re disappointed and is probably beating himself up every time over it. It’s his responsibility to be honest, receptive and understanding. But it is not his job to figure out How to Fix It.
That’s why articles like this are helpful. Because yes, guys do have to let women know that they won’t be offended (and most won’t… like the over-sensitive woman, the over-sensitive guy is one of those crude gender stereotypes that stems from dysfunctional relationship dynamics, but I digress.) Guys do have to be understanding. And women need to be receptive, and honest. Note please that honest doesn’t mean “I’ll say it plain even if it hurts.” It means “I’ll be fair and open, but use the same amount of tact that I like to hear from him when he tells me an uncomfortable truth.”
As a lesbian, I am so glad I don’t have to put up with this kind of b.s!
The most horrific thing I’ve heard from women about what they didn’t tell their men is that for the entirety of their relationship, they never had an orgasm with them during intercourse. Never. Ever. All through dating & marriage. Now they’re bitter & blaming. They’ve been brainwashed to think that their men are responsible for their orgasm. The whole foundation of their sexual relationship is built on a lie. They have years and years of not speaking up for themselves. The time passes, they realize the more they wait to speak up, the harder the news will be, so they stay quiet. “I give myself orgasms with a vibrator when he’s not around. I fake the orgasms until we’re done so I can have the closeness of cuddling when it’s over. That gets me through it. ” I know three women in this situation. One of them is on her third marriage of no coital orgasms.
The most horrific things I’ve heard from men about what they weren’t telling their women relates to them not speaking up for themselves in bed either. One friend called me asking for what kind of herbal healing salve I had that would be good to soothe his penis because his partner just wouldn’t stop screwing him when he had enough. He felt obligated to continue. If your partner is screwing the skin off your dick, you really should speak up. Another just loathes blowjobs, but he doesn’t say anything when a GF goes down on him.
You are ultimately responsible for your own pleasure. When you go to a party, who is responsible for your good time? The host? Not really. They provide a setting for you to come and participate. You can sit in the corner expecting to be entertained and befriended, or you can be proactive and seek out the experiences you want, turn down the ones you do not.
I frequently elicited a deer-in-the-headlights stare from my last love. I would say to him, “Tell me what you want. I want to please you. Do you want a blow job? A massage? Some quiet, slow sex? Snuggling? I cook you dinner? Tell me what feels good to you. Show me how you masturbate.” He didn’t know what to ask for. He didn’t believe that I was genuinely interested in doing something wholly for him, to learn about how to please him. I literally had to go through this gently several times to convince him that I was most honestly interested in his pleasure… he was interested in mine. He responded to ques to what I liked, he had just never been with a woman who really considered him.
To be very general, I don’t hear as much of this from my queer or or kink friends. I think there’s more talking required to negotiate & find those relationships.
It’s awkward to overcome the training we’ve received about what romance and love is: Your partner magically knows how to please you. Even I fantasize about having a magic, orgasm ray gun. Wouldn’t that be fun. But alas, the fun and intimacy is from figuring things out together. Be excellent to each other. Talk to each other. Cut the blaming BS already. Men are having a poor time in bed just as much as women.
Great article ~ thanks so much for posting it!
Something you missed: I wish men would trim their body hair more (especially if they expect me to go down on them). Hair tickles and feels gross in the mouth. Also: in the genital region it is prone to stinkage.