Orin J. Hahn has a simple message for women about men: we feel too.
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Recently an ad has been going viral and buzzing through my FB news feed. It’s only a minute long, and was targeted at the Philippines marketplace but its hitting a sensitive spot with many of the women I know. It shows men and women, in the office, giving speeches, preparing for work and just generally walking the streets looking fabulous and awesome.
I wonder what this new best friend has to whisper about men into the hearts and ears of women.
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The hook is that as it shows every one of these shared activities it spotlights labels aimed at each sex. The man is shown in the office with “BOSS” flashing in the background; the woman is shown in the same setting with “BOSSY” instead. Looking in mirrors to prepare in the morning he sees “NEAT” she sees “VAIN”. Similar treatment occurs throughout the short video. Arguably the point of advertising is to make the product your new best friend, one that you can’t do without. I can’t help but wonder what this new best friend has to whisper about men into the hearts and ears of women.
Watching it I can’t help but see it as a man, and I wonder if is this really how women think the world is for men? For every struggle, for every choice made, does it just seem like we have only a gold star waiting for us at the end of every achievement, every little gesture?
I’ve heard thoughts along these lines throughout my life. I’ve heard it from my mother raising my brother and me on her own as she described how easy my dad had it to just leave and not worry about our futures. I heard it from my ex-wife throughout our marriage as we tried to figure out how to pursue our dreams. She assured me often that it would be easy to focus on mine later, where she was getting older and it would be even harder than it already was for her to make it through medical school.
I’ve heard it in roundabout ways from every female friend who has signed off on any description of life being challenging with the trope of “well maybe I’ll get lucky and marry a rich guy.” Heck even my fiancée after five years of knowing me says at times how surprised she is that I have any anxiety issues ever because “I never worry.”
Are men seen as humans with doubts, fears and concerns? Or are all men merely the old power to be toppled?
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I have no doubt that women have to fight double standards and break through centuries of traditions that keep them from having equal and fair access to the commodities of life. As I described before I’ve been invested in women fighting these challenges right beside me. I believe in equality and honestly can’t think of anything that I personally feel is only for men.
The thing that I wonder is as women pursue access to power and invest in being seen as more than “the weaker sex” are they recreating the mirror image? Is the old school dehumanizing of one sex over the other being kept alive and well? Are men seen as humans with doubts, fears and concerns? Or are all men merely the old power to be toppled?
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Like every person, the cost every man pays is divinely our own. I’m not looking for a pat on the back or a poor baby you feel ugly; I’m not worried about being called names too. It’s hard enough for me to give myself permission to acknowledge I feel those things.
Every label, every doubt that was flashed in that video, was meant to carry the explicit message that We know where you women hurt, where you feel less than. What bothers me is the paired message that already is popular, that of “Men have no problems, they don’t understand.”
Every time the men against women game is switched out merely for the women against men game the deeper message is we all lose.
What are your thoughts? I’d love to know, comment below or tweet at me.
Other Articles on GMP by Orin J. Hahn at:
A Lifetime of Gifts Change Everything
A Look Inside her Mind: 5 Things Women Want you to Know
Forgiveness: How to Move Forward
Typo or technical trouble ?
Something messed up what I tried to cut and paste in here
I’ve seen a few comments here saying that “men” created the system that we are all being burdened by.
Who exactly are these “men”?
I’m asking because despite all the individual men that clearly had no hand in created this system we are still being held to a different (well let’s be honest, higher) level of responsibility for doing something about simply because we share gender with these “men” that created the system.
Danny, if you hear someone say that “men” created the system, it’s because that is truly what someone thinks. Instead of disparging that, how about listening to it, asking that person why they feel that way, seeing if any part of you can somewhat understand their point of view and then add to their comments with your own. Instead of looking to dismiss their comments, add to them! I have seen you make plenty all encompassing comments about women and what they do that you believe are harmful. You are so concerned about the word “blame” and so very sensitive… Read more »
Asking what someone means by something isn’t an attempt to disparage what they believe and feel. Out of everything I said, all you care to talk about how you aren’t repsonsible and you’re not to blame. This is a common rejoinder. This is about more than just you (if this were just about you I would have replied to your comment instead of making a general comment) and I’ve already commented about the video itself so its hardly the case that that is all i want to talk about. But based on what you say, today’s men hold no responsibility… Read more »
There is nothing in my post that suggests that I believe that this is all about me and that somehow inhibited you from replying to more then just the idea of blame and responsibility when it comes to men. There is a regular problem within these conversations where men’s fear of women not talking responsibility and accountability overrides their exploration of their own responsibility and accountability. When we are so quick to look to another instead of within ourselves, we miss so much. I see so many men deflecting the conversation about responsibility in fear that women won’t also take… Read more »
“I go back to my blanket anology I used above. Alot of women are just asking from some help from men and we are getting the door slammed in our face being told that he didn’t create it so he isn’t responsible to help.” Ever consider that maybe HOW “you” (not you personally, but women in general) are asking is causing the doors to be slammed in the face? Why would men get defensive over simply being asked to help? I believe it’s largely because there are a LOT of women who place too MUCH blame on men, who blame… Read more »
” It boils down to…Don’t treat men like shit then ask them for help. Get angry at those other women treating the men like shit, the ones that belittle men opening up about their issues or ones that treat men with contempt. They’re doing a lot of harm and making a lot of men close up and not want to help. Make comments against those women telling them to stop being assholes, men need to do the same and then you’ll get that magic empathy between genders opening up again. ” Well said Archy. This should actually be highlighted because… Read more »
Archy, it’s very easy for every single one of us to become defensive. After all, we’ve all been hurt, often, multiple times. Getting hurt and feeling defensive is pretty universal. Having been hurt by men myself, doesn’t mean I shut the door on men. And it’s *my* and no one else’s responsibility to make sure that I infact don’t shut the door on men. If a man decides to shut the door on a woman, that is his responsibility as well. What is interesting about your statements are you focused on women who blame men. You never touched on what… Read more »
Hi Erin
“””And frankly, I don’t see men who simply shut down on women who are not nice. I see men shut down on all kinds of women. Even in these conversations, the shutting down happened a long time ago before the conversation even began sometimes.
Don’t just justify why it’s okay to turn you back on someone else and then demand they do things you (the general you) are not willing to do yourself.”””””
Well said !
Thanks Iben!
I’ve seen a few comments here saying that “men” created the system that we are all being burdened by. Who exactly are these “men”? I’m asking because despite all the individual men that clearly had no hand in created this system we are still being held to a different (well let’s be honest, higher) level of responsibility for doing something about simply because we share gender with these “men” that created the system. I am going to throw a arbitrary year out there, let’s call it 1900. Name all the women prior to 1900 that held leadership positions in government,… Read more »
And if you were being held to a “higher standard”, you wouldn’t be whining about things, you would be out there changing things for the better. So which is it? Are you being oppressively held to a higher standard, or are you just coasting along making excuses to avoid being concerned about what happens to people who aren’t you? Being to a higher standard which calls being expected to care about and take responsibilities for the troubles that women face (which I have no problem with) but when I bring up my own I’m told they are my own fault… Read more »
Being to a higher standard which calls being expected to care about and take responsibilities for the troubles that women face (which I have no problem with) but when I bring up my own I’m told they are my own fault (which of course is a problem). You do realize that you are conceeding that women as a group face certain troubles, but you want your very individualized problems to be treated with equal weight? As in, your individual difficulties should be considered the equal of what tens or hundreds of thousands of women experience on a daily basis. Does… Read more »
“That is the bonus you get just for being male. You are the default. Your achievements are automatically valued. Your disappointments are automatically excused. You essentially start the race at least half a lap ahead of a woman.” You really believe that? Be a male with kids and see how far you get. Men get heavy praise and respect in the business world, women get heavy praise and respect in the childcare world. “When you fail, it’s bad luck, a tough situation, or just in the wrong place at the wrong time. ” When you fail it’s because you fail… Read more »
Hi Archy “””””In many countries it is illegal to circumcise females but completely legal to circumcise infant boys.”””” I follow the debate in my own country about circumcision of baby boys. I read the newspaper articles and follow online debate. Practically all voices that support circumcision are male voices. They are Jewish men and a few Muslims. Mainly the Jewish men fight wildly and say we know kick them out of Europe for a second time, And even if Jewish religious leaders now say circumcision is no longer needed as a covenant with God for Jews, if we now know… Read more »
Hi Archy You write: “””You really believe that? Be a male with kids and see how far you get. Men get heavy praise and respect in the business world, women get heavy praise and respect in the childcare world.”””” Is that the fact in the Australian society in 2013? Are there no pressure on women to go out and have paid jobs even if they have tiny newborn children at home? In my country the stay at home mothers speak up and say they feel bullied and pressured out from the home and into the paid work. Even the last… Read more »
Being to a higher standard which calls being expected to care about and take responsibilities for the troubles that women face (which I have no problem with) but when I bring up my own I’m told they are my own fault (which of course is a problem). You do realize that you are conceeding that women as a group face certain troubles, but you want your very individualized problems to be treated with equal weight? As in, your individual difficulties should be considered the equal of what tens or hundreds of thousands of women experience on a daily basis. Does… Read more »
Orin, to answer your question, yes, sometimes it does seem like the world is the way the clip/commercial portrayed. I do believe women are more harshly criticized by both men and women alike. I think that the old boys club is still alive and well in the business world. I think other women are trying too hard to live up to social expectations and feel so much pressure battling insecurity along with jealously and focusing on the wrong things because the world likes a much more shallow image of women then it likes a more complex, messy and imperfect one.… Read more »
Do women think men have it easier?
I’m one of those people who think that gender does not change people that much. If we got “man” and “woman” out of the way, we could finally manage to understand “people”! And this is one spot where both genders are not male, not female, but just human:
Do some men think women have it easier? Yup
Do some women think men have it easier? Absolutely
Is the grass always greener on the neighbor’s lawn?
We’re all humans!
“Watching it I can’t help but see it as a man, and I wonder if is this really how women think the world is for men?”
Yes, some women have an envious view of men’s lives.
Most times I hear about a boss, male or female, they’re referred to as assholes and negative words thrown at them like crazy. A male boss who is “bossy” will be called an asshole, a female will be called a bitch.
I wouldn’t say envy, but they wish some things were as easy, or as fair, for them as well. The same goes for any minority.
Yes, you are right. Still, it’s proved most people prefer male bosses. And most men can’t stand receiving orders from female bosses, while tolerating the male bosses a lot better.
“Yes, some women have an envious view of men’s lives.”
Observation: there’s your ignorance again, right off the bat.
Women aren’t envious of men’s lives, women are tired of being held to a different standard than men- there’s nothing wrong with the interpretations of men in that video, it’s all positive stuff! I have no problem with people seeing men that way- I just want to be seen that way as well. It isn’t “envy” it is disgust with the sexist system of oppression.
My ignorance? I said some women. I’ve KNOWN women who envied men’s lives with a rose coloured view of what their life is like. Hell I saw one think men had privilege in being able to walk the streets safely WHEN MEN are the majority victims of violence on the street. “there’s nothing wrong with the interpretations of men in that video, it’s all positive stuff! I have no problem with people seeing men that way- I just want to be seen that way as well. ” That’s the point though, it acts as if men are not getting criticisms… Read more »
Typo: If the shoe fits, wear it.
We’re still dealing with the ripple effect and aftermath of deep misogyny and racism as illustrated by these ads from these advertisments. The baby boomers were raised with this mentality. The baby boomers’ kids have been negatively affected by it too. If the show fits, wear it. When people do, healing and change for the better comes faster. Ultimate goal: Complete equality.
http://wallstreetinsanity.com/14-vintage-advertisements-that-would-definitely-be-banned-today/
This article is a good reminder and a good first step for you as a man in speaking about the systems of oppression and how they negatively affect yourselves, the power group. I have often said “Men are their own worst enemies.” Men are responsible for the sexist system of oppression- I’m sorry, but it’s true. As men, you can’t blame women or “society” for not understanding or knowing that men are feeling, fallible beings- You are the final say in American society, particularly if you are (in addition to being biologically male) white, middle class, able-bodied, christian, and straight.… Read more »
I should have also included, in regards to the video- this is from the Philippines- where they’ve had a female president. Just sayin… When was the last time a corporation, aside from Dove, put out anything in the United States that was meant to make you question social norms? Hell, when was the last time a corporation put something in an ad to make us feel good about who we are, and didn’t prey on our insecurities?! I know that Orbitz makes special commercials for the LOGO network, but those aren’t shown on “regular” channels. They are special commercials for… Read more »
@kitti,
Bravo!!!!!!
As a man I am not responsible for the way others treat me. I am not responsible for sexism and I damn sure didn’t help create it. So please don’t peddle the line that its somehow my fault unless you want to also line up and take responsibility yourself.
I hate this macro level thinking when it comes to gender. We are all responsible for the way we treat each other and no gender ideology gives a person a pass for doing the wrong thing.
I take responsibility for my actions and words every day- I never said that women don’t feed the system- I said that we didn’t and don’t control the system, and we don’t. I’m sorry, but as a woman in a America, what I say and do does not go as far as what a man says and does- that doesn’t stop me from vocalizing and stirring up trouble, but the fact of the matter is that my word does’t carry as far as yours. That’s sexism. I work against it all the time for men and for women. I’ve worked… Read more »
Jason, Every time you laugh at a racist joke, you are promoting racism. Every time you laugh at a gay joke, you are promoting homophobia. Every time you laugh at a sexist joke, you are promoting sexism. The simple fact that we don’t act against these actions, we are promoting them. Yes, you ARE responsible for the double standard. We all are when we allow men to determine what women can and can’t do with their bodies. You are responsible every time you buy a magazine that shows women as objects, or objectifies them. It’s easy to say that you… Read more »
“I have often said “Men are their own worst enemies.” Men are responsible for the sexist system of oppression- I’m sorry, but it’s true.” So basically you prove your ignorance straight off the bat? BOTH GENDERS are responsible for systems of oppression. Women too have had a heavy role in raising people under this patriarchy and to deny their role is extremely misogynist. Women since time began have had a heavy role in how society was made and I cannot believe people try to deny this and act as if women were only property without an opinion, never ever reinforcing… Read more »
Saying women had a heavy role in their own oppression is like saying black people also had a big role in their own slavery because they didn’t fought back enough and let themselves be enslave red, unlike the Natives. That gay people had a heavy roles because they let themselves be bullied and silenced for that long. That white straight men had a heavy role because they were supposedly at the top (only a few were), so they could escape easily. Now tell me… what always happened when a mother wanted to teach her son to be gentle and her… Read more »
“Saying women had a heavy role in their own oppression is like saying black people also had a big role in their own slavery because they didn’t fought back enough and let themselves be enslave red, unlike the Natives. ” Actually there were some blacks who sold others into slavery. Women today still contribute heavily to gender roles which are oppressive, they have far more agency than you give them credit for. Were women slaves for the entire history leading up to the right to vote? ” Now tell me… what always happened when a mother wanted to teach her… Read more »
I’m sorry Archy, but saying “fact” doesn’t make something a fact, it’s still just saying “fact”- even IF YOU PUT IT IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS IT IS STILL JUST SAYING FACT. “Men had MORE of a part to play but women still had a part to play in how this world turned out.” Observation: your ignorance is showing. I never said that women didn’t contribute to the systems of oppression- I said we didn’t create it and we don’t control it. “MORE” you put it there in all capitals again, so I wouldn’t miss it, but some how you did.… Read more »
“I never said that women didn’t contribute to the systems of oppression- I said we didn’t create it and we don’t control it. ” Women didn’t help create a system that played heavily into biological roles of each gender, that men and only men decided one day that women should do more safer work, look after the kids and the nest whilst men were the protectors and brought in large n dangerous prey? These gender roles evolved out of necessity at the time because men couldn’t breastfeed and men’s physical strength benefitted the largely physical labour required in external jobs,… Read more »
kitti,
I agree that the system sucks and I agree that it sucks in particular for women, though not exclusively for women. I also agree that men are mostly responsible for this sucking.
But I’m not “men”.
“This article is a good reminder and a good first step for you as a man in speaking about the systems of oppression and how they negatively affect yourselves, the power group. I have often said “Men are their own worst enemies.” Men are responsible for the sexist system of oppression- I’m sorry, but it’s true. As men, you can’t blame women or “society” for not understanding or knowing that men are feeling, fallible beings- You are the final say in American society, particularly if you are (in addition to being biologically male) white, middle class, able-bodied, christian, and straight.… Read more »
Three things: 1) My name is Kitti- thanks for reading so closely. 2) I never said that women aren’t complicit in the creation of society and aren’t complicit in the system of sexism. If you’re going to quote me, again, please read what I’ve written rather than taking this as an opportunity to “teach the woman”. 3) In summary, your condescending attitude, inability to even spell my name properly, failure to read what I wrote closely, desire to “teach” me, desire to shame me, and lame use of a winky face shows that not only have you never studied patriarchy… Read more »
1) My name is Kitti- thanks for reading so closely. Just a typo. 2) I never said that women aren’t complicit in the creation of society and aren’t complicit in the system of sexism. If you’re going to quote me, again, please read what I’ve written rather than taking this as an opportunity to “teach the woman”. You claimed ‘ Men are responsible for the sexist system of oppression ‘ and ‘ but you as men are all complicit to sexism and you have created the discrimination you feel- and like Dorothy (who first looked to the wizard for permission… Read more »
Once again, you would have known I was a woman as I identified myself as one in my comments, if you cared to read my comments- not even closely, but to completion!- and not be so quick to correct me. I gave you credit for at least having the decency to read my complete comment before taking me to task, and you didn’t even care enough to do that. Just a typo of someone’s name is not having the presence of mind and caring enough to get it correct, and that’s a privileged, entitled attitude- you see that in sexism… Read more »
” Once again, you would have known I was a woman as I identified myself as one in my comments, if you cared to read my comments- not even closely, but to completion!- and not be so quick to correct me. I gave you credit for at least having the decency to read my complete comment before taking me to task, and you didn’t even care enough to do that. ” You didn’t identify yourself directly as a biological woman. If I missed that part Im sorry, but its the least important. For me you could be a man, woman,… Read more »
“I never said that women aren’t complicit in the creation of society and aren’t complicit in the system of sexism. ” You just said “- I said we didn’t create it and we don’t control it” to me so which is it? You take offense at his “teach me” attitude, yet your original comment had it. I don’t get it, do you just not like opposing views or is it him specifically? “If you’re going to quote me, again, please read what I’ve written rather than taking this as an opportunity to “teach the woman”.” Are you teaching us men… Read more »
Kitti: ya know its funny you say men are responsible for sexism and tools of oppression. Do you know that a study a few years ago found that the majority of our sexist attitudes are actually taught to us from our mothers….hmmm funny how that works. Anyways your resorting to the apex fallacy, wherein you apply the insignificant percentile of the male population at the top as a general flowchart of how all men in society must be. The simple truth is that for every man who is CEO of a Fortune 500 company, there a million at the bottom… Read more »
I think a part of the problem is that Pantene is using very limiting experiences to make their points. About the boss/bossy, men can just as easily be considered bossy as women. Instead of bitches they are called pricks, dicks, dick heads, and so on. Only difference is while calling women bitches is decried as sexist its still considered okay to call guys dicks. About the working late at night part that dad would just as easily be called insensitive, unloving, workaholic for not spending time with family and making his work his life. And that “smooth” guy would just… Read more »
i Orin “””””Watching it I can’t help but see it as a man, and I wonder if is this really how women think the world is for men? “”””” This is not a video made to show how women see the world. And you question feels like an insult. Do you really think women that grow up with fathers,brothers ,uncles ,cousins,have male friends, colleges ,lovers and a husband know zero about men and how they feel and who they are? We see bus drivers , janitors, homeless , . We see men in top jobs and men picking up the… Read more »
As someone who has been homeless, it strikes me as *extraordinarily unlikely* that you see us. Maybe 1 person in 1000 will look us in the eye, and often times that look comes with a mixture of pity and disgust. Never as equal, never as peer, never as someone with potential.
All the rest aside, many people are without empathy. Thanks to the deep and broad social safety net that women enjoy in the western world it’s probable you’ll never experience having a limitless parade of fine, clean, upstanding citizens look right through you… but never at you.
I think Orin you might have missed the point of the video. Firstly, it is NOT an advertisement but an informative video. I have watched it myself a couple of times and shared it on facebook. It is not saying that men are this and women are this, rather, it is trying to show how women in the same position and acting the same way as a man, are given different, more often, negative and demeaning labels. Women and men have these internal sexist double standards ingrained in them but cannot see them for what they are. Women have to… Read more »
Orin, At one time I thought exactly as you mention. Why were women complaining as not having the same oportunities, or given the same chances at success as men did. I viewed it the same way that meme said, “I have boods, give me free stuff / I have a penis, it’s all my fault.” The truth is that there IS a double standard. Actually the fact that we are supposed to succeed, that our stature is measured by how tall we are when we stand on our wallet, is the flip side that you mention. We DO need to… Read more »
Not quite. Feminism brought about the realization of the possibility and necessity of liberating men from their social roles. The actual work mostly remains to be done, and it must be done by people like us.
This defensive stance is a little much in my opinion. There IS a double standard for women in power positions in the workplace. I think that’s a little hard for any objective mind to argue. A man might be perceived as being a strong leader for acting in the same manner that would result in a woman being perceived as bossy and bitchy. However, I don’t see this add as attacking men as the culprits of this problem. This double standard is propagated by both men and women.. Thinking back, I know that I have been guilty of it myself.… Read more »
May I ask, how does the Napoleon Complex affect the argument? The fact of the matter is that the exact same double-standard exists for short men. The same behavior that gives the taller guy the air of “boss,” “assertive” or “leadership,” performed by the short guy makes him “bossy,” “aggressive” and “compensating.”
It’s female focused, just this. It doesn’t mean men never face problems as well.
The same goes for blacks when talking about their problems… it doesn’t invalidate the problems other races face everyday. Or gay people, immigrants and so on.
I agree with everything Slantz said. The video wasn’t blaming men, or saying that men have it easier with everything. Double standards exist and they have to be stopped.
Exactly. You don’t just ignore or discount one injustice because other injustices exist. If someone made a video highlighting the double standards that men have to endure, I would be just as open minded about it. I wouldn’t argue that men aren’t allowed to say anything because (insert offended group here) has it bad too. Prejudice of any kind is wrong. Why get angry about a video highlighting double standards women are faced with, just because men also face double standards? The double standards men face do not negate all the other double standards in the world. Why does this… Read more »
A lot of the presumed double standards in this ad make it seem as if men don’t have any barriers either in the work place and that women will always receive negative attention for similar male behaviour. We also have also puzzling double standards that don’t even make since in this video such as the whole vanity thing. Not to mention that in terms of female bosses, studies have found that female employees are just as likely to prefer male bosses as male employees and that female employees are largely the contributing factor to work place harassment towards other women… Read more »
Huh, why do your female friends have to get lucky and marry a rich guy? Why not just marry any slightly-ambitious man, since he can’t help but be rich and successful eventually by sheer dint of being male?