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Jordan Gray asked 500 straight women to tell him what men did in bed that bothered them. They answered.
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As much as I have learned about people from studying human sexuality for the past decade and working with clients 1 on 1 on their sex lives… I still feel like I’m just scratching the surface.
I have an insatiable curiosity when it comes to people. And I am especially curious about what they do in bed.
As a recent example of this curiosity, I recently sent out an email to my female followers and asked them a simple question…
“What bothers you most about what men do/your partner does in bed?”
Each of the seven points below had to meet the same two criteria…
– It had to have been mentioned a minimum of twenty times in very specific/consistent terms.
– It had to make me either laugh or be unexpected/educational.
So without further ado, here are seven things that I learned from asking 500+ women what bothered them in the bedroom.
1. “When he buries his face in my neck”
“When he buries his face in my neck I feel like I could just be anyone. I feel like I’m pretty emotionally stable and I don’t mind him fantasizing in his head occasionally… but if he consistently doesn’t look me in the eye then it starts to get to me.”
One of the most consistent themes in all of the feedback that I received was that women disliked a lack of eye contact or presence from their partner.
The eyes are the gateway to the soul, and it’s that much harder to connect with your partner if you aren’t making at least occasional eye contact during sex.
Remember, you’re having sex with someone, not doing sex to someone.
2. “Too quiet”
“I know I shouldn’t care as much as I do, but my current guy makes absolutely ZERO sound when we have sex. My past lovers were a lot more vocal, so when he’s too quiet it kind of makes me feel self-conscious… like I’m not doing well enough and he’s bored. He tells me afterwards that he enjoys himself and he orgasms, but I find it really hard to believe because he’s so quiet.”
“When guys are too damn quiet! They don’t need to be yelling and swinging from the chandeliers… or even making as much noise as I am, but a little grunt or the occasional moan that lets me know that they want to be there would be appreciated.”
Many women mentioned the fact that they felt uncomfortable or self-conscious when they were the ones making all of the noise.
When you make noise during sex you’re often able to let go and connect on an even deeper level. So if your vocal chords aren’t getting involved in your sex life, maybe it’s time you started tip-toeing in that direction.
3. Over-Sharing
“Maybe this speaks to my insecurities or whatever but I really don’t want to hear too much about my boyfriends’ past partners when it comes to their sex lives. If you have a clean bill of health and now you’re mine, that’s all I really want to know.”
“I don’t like when guys brag a lot about their past sexual exploits. It sometimes feels like they’re doing it to show off… like to seem all macho that they’ve bedded so many women. It’s an instant turn-off for me.”
Mentioning your sexual history with past partners can be a very healthy and explorative conversation to have, but check in with her first to make sure she wants to be a part of that conversation.
My own personal bias of experience had always led me to believe that women were much more open to hearing about their partners sexual pasts compared to most guys wanting to know about their partners, so the volume of feedback that I got on this point was quite reassuring for me.
As always, this is something to be felt out on a case by case basis. Just don’t be too vocal about your sexual past unless your partner explicitly asks to hear about it.
4. “Doing the Kama Sutra dance”
“I dated this one guy who would flip me around into all sorts of crazy positions. I like a bit of variety but we would be averaging like 15 positions per sex session… it was quite exhausting frankly.”
“I used to date a guy my friends and I had nicknamed “Kama Sutra” because he was so eager to show off his sexual position prowess. His efforts of trying to impress me had the opposite effect of what I can only imagine he was aiming for.”
Many women told me about how doing the Kama Sutra dance was a turn off for them. Sex with guys who flipped them around incessantly made their heads spin (and not in a good way).
The sexual performance felt mechanical… scripted… like a performance instead of an experience that they were sharing.
There were also several mentions (tied to this thread) of how the men who were overly eager to show off a multitude of positions also have more difficulty with maintaining eye contact, and would rarely have their hands on them.
“His hands were so busy trying to hold my leg up, or he would be putting his hands on the bed to (I’m assuming…) lift himself up an extra inch for some technique I didn’t feel the benefit of… it was just awful. It was so disconnected. It felt like I was having sex with Maxim advice as opposed to a human being.”
5. “Thinking that sex is over because he ejaculated”
“I won’t say that this is a guy thing… but I’ve had a LOT of experience with this next one. I feel like I meet a lot of guys that assume that sex is over because they’ve already gotten off. It’s like, hello, your hands still work… your mouth still works. Couldn’t you at least check in with me? I can ask for it but I’d rather he just already be aware of me and how I’m feeling.”
While guys may get a rush of sleepy chemicals after they ejaculate, it doesn’t mean that their hands and mouth are instantly rendered useless. And if you (temporarily assuming this is a male reader) really get that exhausted after you achieve orgasm then make sure your partner has had ample orgasms before you climax.
A lot of guys see sex as linear (kissing leads to foreplay, foreplay to penetration, man ejaculates, game over). Try reframing it as cyclical. You can mix and match all different kinds of sexual play interchangeably. It doesn’t have to be A, B, C. It can be A, D, B, R, D, H, C, A, X, etc.
There is no one way when it comes to sex. So try and mixing up the order of your sexual acts and play the game of “who can make the other one climax LAST.”
6. “Predictability”
“I find routine can be extremely sexy. I’ve been seeing my guy for four years now and I really love the fact that we do have a sexual routine, for the most part. But a complete lack of variety bothers me. I like to take things outside of the bedroom every now and then… even once a month! I’m not greedy, I just like to have fun!”
Predictability in sexual play does have it’s own appeal, and there can be something very sexy about knowing each other so well when it comes to your sex life. But many women mentioned that if there were no spontaneity/variety in their sex life, it was a recipe for disaster for their sex drives.
If she can predict your every move, escalation, or sexual progression down to the second, you might need to switch it up a bit.
Every person has a fundamental need for certainty AND uncertainty. Give her both by throwing a little bit of variety into the mix occasionally.
7. “Not being able to handle the full spectrum of my sexuality”
“I once had a really deeply releasing orgasm with a relatively new partner (been dating for less than a month) and I started crying afterwards. It stirred up some unknown emotion in me and the tears just started flowing. He started freaking out and couldn’t handle it. It honestly made me lose all trust in him.”
“It bothers me when a guy can’t handle the full spectrum of me and my sexuality. I am a pretty sexually open minded person and I get that I can intimidate certain guys… but if I mention something on a date and his eyes go wide and he kind of freezes (even something small like mentioning that I occasionally use toys) then my mind instantly hits the “NEXT!” button. It’s automatic.”
In our jobs and career paths, we are only given as much responsibility as we have proven that we can handle. The same thing happens with women’s sexuality.
If we are quick to retreat when faced with certain aspects of our partner’s sexuality, then they will quickly learn that they need to hold back or censor themselves with you. Hint: that isn’t a good thing.
Whether she scratches your back, moans gutturally, or sobs tears of emotional release after a particularly intense orgasm, she wants you to be able to handle whatever she throws your way.
If you show that you can’t handle her and every aspect of her sexuality, she will either lose trust in you and lose interest in your relationship, or will partially close off to you and your entire relationship will suffer.
She wants to know that you will be able to handle it “if ____ …”.
She wants to be able to fill in the blank with as many things as possible.
“If I start crying… he’ll be okay with it.”
“If I’m on my period… he’ll be okay with it.”
“If I suggest that we should explore some of my sexual fantasies… he’ll be okay with it.”
Please note that I’m not suggesting you do things that you are actually uncomfortable with or engage in any sexual behaviors that cross your personal boundaries, but a general sense of being able to hold the necessary space for your partner is a very attractive trait.
If you can handle whatever she throws at you, and you even go further in encouraging her sexual self, you will both benefit. Your sex life will expand, your emotional intimacy will deepen, and she will feel safe with you.
Wrap Up
I hope that this quick overview was as educational for you as it was for me. I loved reading the feedback from the women who follow my website, so much so that I will likely be writing a follow up post on a similar topic. There was just so much gold to sort through!
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Good Men Project Readers! Click here to find out how to be the most satisfying lover of her life, with a free training by Jordan Gray.
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You Might Also Like These Posts From The Good Men Project
..3 Things to Remember When Falling In Love | Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often | ..7 Things Men Want In a Relationship | Why You Need to Date Someone Who Scares You |
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If you enjoyed this post, you might also love reading:
How To Figure Out What Your Ideal Sex Life Looks Like
What Women Say Bothers Them In Bed
7 Exercises To Increase Your Sexual Stamina
How To Dial Up The Sexual Polarity In Your Relationship
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This post originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of DepositPhotos.com
This is a great article but keep in in mind if you never tell your partner what you want you’ll never get it. Speak up women!!! We are not mind readers and your expectations will never be met! This article clearly illustrates the self fulfilling prophecy of failure. Married or single all men & women struggle with this lack of communication in the bedroom!
Ladies, if you are going to CRY the very first time we have sex…It’s going to freak most men out!!!! Our first reaction won’t be that “you must think this was a beautiful and loving experience”– We don’t know if you’re emotional or going through some post trauma from some past sexual assault. These things you have to let us know before hand!! LASTLY: If you’re a heavy squirter, we’d also like to know that as well. 1000 thread count sheets and temper pedic mattresses are at stake here!!! – the MANagement
All the above is utter BS. Some women want to have the nape of their necks kissed, others don’t. Some like it vocal, some don’t. Some want to be taken and flipped about and guess what? Some don’t. And on it goes…This list and its partronising advice for men is just the kind of mangina-written crap that makes me wonder what the hell happened to men in the last decade or so. I’d never dream of giving women a guide to what men want because guess what? Not all men are the same. But frankly, it’s not as if they… Read more »
Having his head buried in your shoulder sucks if he does it the whole time but too much eye contact is just as bad as not enough. I just don’t want guys thinking they gotta lock eyes the whole time because brief intervals of eye contact is nice but if they are staring at your eyes the whole time can get a little creepy.
This post is spot on! I’ve cried after some really intense sex. I’ve also found that with my last partner I wasn’t really allowed to let go and take the lead. He was also too ($&@/? Quiet! I’m growing tired of the DSG The Double Standard Guy. These men say they want certain things in a woman, and then when a REAL woman comes along they panic. Watch what you wish for, and make sure you can handle it when it finally comes along. We’re all adults. This isn’t Junior High for God’s sake- Lol This was a great post.… Read more »
I feel like as men you have a choice to either listen to what women are saying or to make a bunch of excuses for why you don’t have to listen. When I see straight couples, men often complain that the women they are partnered are not interested in sex as much as they would like. Then after several sessions of getting her to open up and say what he does that turn down her interest, he starts giving all of the reasons why he dismisses what she says. As soon as he does this she shuts down and then… Read more »
In my sixties’ now one thing I have learned receive it return it. If neither partner can follow those simple two things .move on.
So does this apply to women too or only men? Should women have to tolerate a man’s spectrum of sexuality?
A lot of these -based on one gender- articles merely only are of that nature is because of who the article talks about. No where does it say that women shouldn’t have to reciprocate the same kind of respect to men, as well as to homosexual people. In fact, I believe they should.
I have none of these issues in my marriage and we have an AMAZING sex life, family life, etc. But I did experience all of these with prior boyfriends. I hated sex and tried to avid it, having literally never had the pleasure of orgasming until meeting my husband. These boyfriends also proved to just have no experience or knowledge of real women, and one also exhibited no interest in gaining any. The relationships ended somewhat quickly, the longest being 8 months. On the other hand I too had a lot to learn. About men, sex, and myself. And I… Read more »
Dingus,
It’s not at all strange for a woman to cry after or during an intense orgasm. If any lady tells you it is, she’s been having lame, boring, unconnected sex. I’m not talking about tragic sobbing, but a release of the body and the emotions together is far from odd.
Ps. Thanks for existing Joe 😉
Seriously if you start crying after sex, that is not normal, you have issues and you need to seek professional treatment. Don’t expect any guy to be ok with that, it’s probably actually one of the worst things that could happen to you as a guy. They’ll just think you hated yourself so much for doing them that you felt ashamed, or even worse that they’ve triggered some kind of traumatic memory. Ask a woman if they think it’s messed up to cry after sex and they’ll probably agree, in fact Jesus who DOESN’T think it’s fucked up to cry… Read more »
Dingus, This is from Joe. Perhaps just for a one time you might want to suspend all your judgments about women and ask yourself what can I learn from the very people that I want attention from. It appears that you and I have had different experiences with women and I understand that. Perhaps I can share this with you. I always considered it an honor when a woman cried “after” we made love. I joyously experienced her crying, her sobbing, her warm tears as a loving tender gift of her inner most intimate self….. a loving gift from her… Read more »
Well that’s creepy as hell Joe but fair comment I respect that. I understand given the slightly colourful nature of my initial comment and it I guess it made it easy to pigeon-hole the reasoning as unenlightened, let’s go deeper. I’m fully prepared to accept that it might just be cos I’m not that kind of guy that attracts (or is interested in) the kind of women that would cry after sex or hell maybe I’m just a bit average in the sack? I don’t have any self delusion though and my girlfriend is pretty up front about when she’s… Read more »
Dingus, I consider myself someone who is emotionally in touch with myself. I still cry at happy and sad events. I laugh at funny comments. I get mad at insults. I get frustrated when I can’t find my misplaced keys…it’s normal to feel all kinds of things multiple times. That is a healthy expression of emotion. I am also someone who uses art as a form of emotional expression. And I still cry at happy and sad things. I sometimes cry at Greeting Card commericals! Trival in the grand scheme of things but touches me on a human level. But… Read more »
Hi Dingus – women cry for all kinds of reasons. Not just when they are unhappy. For a lot of women, crying is a release of emotion and it can sometimes be for negative reasons but it can also be for really positive happy reasons. Heck, women cry at weddings even when they aren’t the ones getting married. So crying after some really great sex IS totally normal. The sex was soo good, she had to release some extra emotions. Trust me on this. Ask other women. Crying is a normal way to express both really happy and sad emotions.
Ayfkm? Apparently Dingus does not know that intense hormones after good sex can produce crying.
It doesn’t mean she’s sad either. Sometimes it confuses even her. Sometimes it means she’s connected w you.
Ever give a woman a real orgasm???? A real one, not a fake porn one.
Joe, you’re awesome, let’s clone you.
HI Jordan
Well done!
This is good work.
And all the men that tells a story about sex less marriage should read this article and ask them self if he can see himself.
Of course men also can feel uncomfortable with a woman in bed and I am sure most women are interested to hear about it, At least I am.
The only one I have a problem with is #3. And with #1 I don’t mind the face/neck burying, since I like to do that as well, but I do like him to be present & some eye contact.
Imagine seeing this (what bothers men) but on a feminist website! Imagine the response! The author would be ripped a part.
Why are men always the one who have the pressure of pleasing? To be “man” enough. Another thing to add to the list from patriarchy.
I think if the list was a sincere list and wasn’t about what bothers men is how she won’t have the threesomes he wants or how saggy her breasts have got , I don’t think it would be ripped a part at all. But even if you think that, how does that prevent us from having a conversation around what bothers women? Is the goal to have some kind of “f-u” competition focused around negativity or is the goal to build stronger relationships between men and women? As for men always having to be the ones to please? Please pick… Read more »
Erin, As an Alpha Male with Tons of Empathy It is mind boggling that you even have to point out the sexual realities of the world to some of the men who respond on this site. All one has to do is watch any straight movie, any straight cable show any straight or Bi porn web site and ask yourself (probably for the first time) how is the sexual experience portrayed for the woman….like what am I watching here????….what am I learning here…..what am I being taught here? Until Men are willingly to take “the sole, individual journey of personal… Read more »
Joe, and I think when a man enters sex with the mindframe that it’s about “giving” and sex is a form of communication between him and his partner and he needs to be aware of what he is communicating with his actions, he will find that his female partner also wants to “give” of herself to him and she will open herself up to being more vunerable and intimate with him in entirely new ways. Sometimes that may mean trying new things and sometimes that means diving deeper into an entirely new kind of intimacy that we don’t often celebrate… Read more »
Erin,
I have found super artistic high quality porn between 2 women that emphasizes passion, tenderness, intimacy and connection continues to provide me with a fabulous learning opportunity to understand how a woman enjoys making love and how to please her.
And yes, women want sex as much as men do… they just don’t want sex like a man wants sex……..and I say Thank God to that.
“Joe, and I think when a man enters sex with the mindframe that it’s about “giving” and sex is a form of communication between him and his partner and he needs to be aware of what he is communicating with his actions, he will find that his female partner also wants to “give” of herself to him and she will open herself up to being more vunerable and intimate with him in entirely new ways.” What you both fail to realize is that you are painting women as some kind of flawless perfection of selflessness, akin to the genie who… Read more »
hi Blake I am certain you have no idea what feminism is all about at least not the Scandinavian feminism. Why on earth should feminists not want to be good sex partners and lovers ? There are countries on earth with more equality between the sexes than in the US and you will have dig deep and work hard to come up with good recent research that show they have a worse sex life than couples in the US. But it is always interesting to meet men like you that daily read feminist webpages and know all about what goes… Read more »
Blake,
Pretend you are a sales man about to close a 1million dollar deal (and you could get 100% commission) and your customer says to you right before your closing presentation………”when you present to me I will award you my business if you do this and if you don’t do that.”….would you then argue with him about all the changes he or she should make instead??
The real question, of course, is, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” Blake, imagine if you believed you deserved happiness?????
If a customer (an unknown one, or one that has given me reason to doubt their sincerity before) told me as a salesperson “Just give me everything you’ve got for free to do a critical evaluation, and maybe if I’m thoroughly satisfied with it, I’ll give you a little something in return.” I would actually be just a wee bit wary to do business with that person. But if it works for you and you’ve never been stood up, I only offer my Congratulations. Or are you actually advocating that I should be less than sincere about my intentions with… Read more »
Karl,
I have found in all of life (including my relationships with delicious women) there are only two questions that I have found to have any value for me……do I want to be right or do I want to learn and apply?
Jordan, Powerful intimate coaching from powerful women to any man who wants to listen and learn and then apply. I want to acknowledge you, Jordan, for “the trusting space” you created with each of these 500 women that enabled them to share their intimate thoughts with you AND also grant you permission to share their intimate thoughts with the world….outstanding relationship building! These powerful women are giving us the Keys to the Kingdom and there are guys in the comments complaining about what the women are saying. Man up and take the ball and run with it right into her… Read more »
“Pay attention to me for a little while”.
Therein lies the problem. My ex paid attention to me when he wanted sex. Otherwise,
there was no connection. After he ejaculated, he couldn’t get away fast enough.
Since women tend to blame themselves for every problem in their marriage, I
thought it was something I did wrong. iAs soon as I figured out that my ex was nothing short
of a selfish little boy, I got rid of him. I knew he would never be open to change.
My ex didn’t pay attention to me whatsoever, there was no connection either, I was just her emotional watebasket, just heaping whatever came her way forward to me.
And yes, I blamed myself for it all.
Mostly because being spoon-fed from early childhood just what Joe here says above, that (all) women by nature are “good” and altruistic, and that any problem in any relationship is simply due to the man not listening and paying attention.
Bit presumptive. If the guy’s on top, it’s actually quite hard to be holding your body in the pressup position while your lower half is also….erm….”active”. At least, if you don’t have the arm strength.
Well, if you’ve a condom to get rid of, you’ll certainly be taking a break.
“Another big no-no is please don’t tell me about things you’ve done with other women. I do not want to hear about it, I just don’t.”
Why is it OK for women to bring up past lovers, but not OK for guys to do this? If she can’t handle the full spectrum of my sexuality how can I trust her?
I want to know that she will be able to handle it “if ____ …”.
After all, a general sense of being able to hold the necessary space for your partner is a very attractive trait.
Who said its okay? I never talk about past lovers, it’s just rude IMHO!
It depends on the person. Talking about past lovers isn’t the same as talking about what you did, in details, with your past lovers in bed. You can talk about your sexuality without having to say that you did this and that with this or that (amount of) women, you know. Women can do the same. Not that you can’t talk about how many partners you had and so on, but many times it is wise not to mention past lovers when discussing your present sex life with your partner. Unless both of you are okay with that, then go… Read more »
who says it is OK that women bring up old lovers?
Point #7 in the article says a man should be OK with the woman bringing up pretty much anything.
This is crap, because no woman is going to accept the “full spectrum” of her man’s sexuality, period. Except my gf that is.
This is not crap. These are women being open about their sexuality, something many women still struggle with and still get shamed for, mostly by oppressive/insecure/butthurt men who wanted women to be sex dolls with no sexual agency. You can accept someone’s full sexual spectrum, you just don’t necessarily have to get into it or all of it. Women’s full sexual spectrum usually has to do with more expression, more fun experiments (fun for both of you) and nothing really harmful to men’s ego or anything. When we talk about men’s full sexual spectrum, we are usually talking about selfishness… Read more »
Well, we are rarely making love with a statistical average of the gender of our preference… 😉 I guess that “most” is the operative word here. And I’ve been very attentive and giving with the women I’ve been with, but they have most often been less than enthusiastic about reciprocation. (No surprises, no shows, no oral sex despite receiving a lot, putting no effort and interest in my orgasm while I could be massaging and stroking them for an hour to several orgasms, etc…) So I don’t know? Maybe I’ve just had a string of bad luck, that the few… Read more »
Many women have inhibitions around sex … I never put on a “show” (striptease, dancing around naked or whatever) because I don’t feel confident enough about my body. I know he’d probably enjoy it but I just can’t bring myself to do it. He’s also told me he’d like it once and awhile if I took charge during sex and I’ve tried to but I end up asking him a lot “what do you want me to do now?” which defeats the purpose. These are things I’m working on but it’s a process.
Jen,
I just like to know that the woman I’m with enjoys what we are doing. I have some inhibitions too, and I really don’t expect much of a “show”. I think that being enthusiastic about what you do, is more important than being game for just about anything, if you know what I mean? The worst thing is being disconnected and just “whatever…”, whatever your partner is doing to make you feel good.
“This is crap, because no woman is going to accept the “full spectrum” of her man’s sexuality, period.”
If that’s been your experience, then brother, you’ve been dating the wrong women. That absolutely has not been my experience. I have found many partners who can and do appreciate the full range of my sexuality–and I probably have a wider range than many folks.
The secret, in my experience, looks something like this:
Step 1: Choose secure partners rather than insecure partners.
Step 2: There is no Step 2.
As a man, I’ve faced most of these issues (Yes, even the “I’ve had my orgasms now, I’m tired! Let’s take a break. Til next weekend…”) with most every woman I’ve been with as well.
And I can’t speak for what “men” want, but at least for me, they were kinda bothering as well.
Within the last month, I’ve met a new guy who reminds me of a puppy – one who wants to hump my leg. He must be constantly ‘on’ and I’d like to have more of a relationship. I’m pondering what the problem is, and am not sure I can convey how much this is not what I want. Do I just call it quits vs. trying to paper train him?
Feeling ambushed, stalked, pressured,
Geri
Oh, and, as women, we should talk about what we want, most definitely! Some guys listen, some don’t. So, if she says something about what she likes or doesn’t like, pay attention. Women, speak up!
Thanks, Jen!
I agree with all of this, particularly the last one. Be willing to let her be her sexual self, whether it means flirting with you at dinner, discussing her fantasies, or initiating sex. Don’t ever ever ever act weirded out by sex. Women in general are very attuned to other people’s emotions, so if we sense you are uncomfortable with something, we will probably never mention it again. Another big no-no is please don’t tell me about things you’ve done with other women. I do not want to hear about it, I just don’t. My boyfriend told me he used… Read more »
Jen,
“Don’t ever ever ever act weirded out by sex.”
I don’t know, but shouldn’t this courtesy go both ways?
Like, most of the women I’ve been with have at some point done things I’ve been uncomfortable with, like bringing up stuff they’ve done with past lovers. If it makes you feel weird, why I am suppposed to just let it slide?
totally agree, it applies equally to women!
“I don’t know, but shouldn’t this courtesy go both ways? Like, most of the women I’ve been with have at some point done things I’ve been uncomfortable with, like bringing up stuff they’ve done with past lovers. If it makes you feel weird, why I am suppposed to just let it slide?” If the things a lover did in her past make you feel uncomfortable, that probably points to some sexual insecurity on your part. Allowing your own insecurities to cause you to hide from the truth isn’t healthy. It seems to me that all these things–getting freaked out by… Read more »