Theresa Byrne believes men are wonderful. But sometimes, women aren’t clear about what they want or how to communicate to the guys they really adore. So here is her list.
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First let me state CLEARLY that not all women in relationships with men look for the same things. If it were that easy, one of the lists or books created eons ago would have worked and the dating sites would have gone out of business. No more swiping right or left.
Many of my amazing male best friends who fall into the “he’s such a nice guy” category could use this list. The “nice guy” metaphor, I think, makes them catches. (Caveat: my ideal guy has always been Clark Kent. Geeky. Kind. Helpful. Sweet. Or Dracula: vampire but with a heart of gold. Try not to psychoanalyze it, I’ve done that enough for all of us. )
Understand that not all women feel that same way about nice guys or sweet guys, nor will they find all the same character traits attractive. In an effort to help my nice guy friends (and all guys) understand a bit more about what women might be looking for, here’s a list.
But please. Don’t live your life by someone else’s list. Take this list and ask your best girlfriends. Ask women when you’re out on dates. Make it sound conversational and fun like, “I read this list of seven things women want, do you ever look for edge in the guys you date?” That’s a good one to start with, it’s interesting and every woman has her own definition of “edgy”. She may not even know she has one. Ohhhh conversation fire-starting kindling right there. You’re welcome.
Do your own research, don’t trust me. I’m just here to open your mind. Make your own list. But here’s mine if you need a place to begin.
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My List:
Dependability – This means integrity (what you say you’ll do, you do). We need someone that we can count on, tells the truth, and who will show up when they say they will. Any woman will appreciate a guy who calls when he says he would, texts, or stays in a reasonable
We need someone that we can count on, tells the truth, and will show up when they say they will.
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amount of contact. We like that. We don’t like the guy who waits a certain amount of days before calling or texting, just to seem mysterious. If you like us, reach out. Even if it’s over, it’s OK to reach out to say so. (I’ll cover break up ideas in another article or you can check out Sami Holden, our Dating in the Digital Age columnist.)
Care – We need to know that you care. That we’re important, as much as the other important things in your life. The more you care, the more this one matters. We each have different ways to show the people in our lives how much we care,and it’s rarely easy to read other people’s signals. So just tell her, if it’s true. “I care about you.” Or “I’m really glad you’re here.”
Edge – This does not mean a bad boy but there’s something underneath it that’s worth unearthing. NOTE: The importance of this particular quality is debatable depending on the woman. Not all woman would say they like a man with edge, but a friend of mine alerted me to one. She said, “I like nice guys but I want one with a bit of an edge.” This opened up a whole line of thinking about what the “edge” could look like and other things that could substitute for an edge (since not all women/most women aren’t looking for the bad boy type: too much drama).
Think of edge this way — it can be the energy of surprise or the unusual. Be quirky. Be you.
It can be a kid-like energy or childlike wonder.
It can just be fun. Fun could be edgy, as could intelligence and humor. Sarcasm. Quick wit. The cutting-edge. The edge of glory.
Security – Which to us means you won’t disappear without a conversation after a certain level of intimacy is reached. This means we can feel safe. If you aren’t quite sure about a woman yet, then it’s OK not to lead her on thinking you are. She’s a big girl, she can take it. In fact, most of us would rather know that we aren’t your cup of tea as soon as you know. It’s also OK to let us know if you are, or aren’t dating others. Just don’t make it up or lie. That does not let us feel safe. And since it’s difficult to build security quickly, we often use dependability as a factor.
If you aren’t quite sure about a woman yet, then it’s OK not lead her on thinking you are. She’s a big girl, she can take it. In fact, most of us would rather know that we aren’t your cup of tea as soon as you know.
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Communication — Yes, you have to be able to communicate with us. We like texts, emails (do people still email? I used to get the BEST poems on email), calls, etc. We like reach outs. We like to know you’re thinking of us. Please ask us questions and listen to the answers. Contrary to popular belief it does not mean that women like to talk about feelings all the time, we just enjoy communication. It can be about a multitude of things that you find interesting. Although it does means you’ll have to be able to talk about feelings sometimes, we enjoy conversation about lots of things. It’s also ok to say that you’re confused or you don’t know how you feel. Those are valid feelings.
Connection – This can be (and really needs to be) on several levels for a woman and I’d suspect men as well: verbal, emotional, physical, social, intellectual, spiritual. The amount that each woman wants or desires in each area is dependant on the woman. Some of us love touch, some of us love words, some of us enjoy little acts of kindness to let us know you’re thinking about us. If you haven’t read “Love Languages” by Gary Chapman I’d highly suggest it. A woman may not know up front how much a physical connection she has with you, but through the other tips you can help her want to know you better.
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Love isn’t easy. But it’s worth it.
One of my favorite poems, “That Shapes the Eye” from Hafiz:
Children
Can easily open the
Drawer
That lets the sport rise up and wear
It’s favorite costume of
Mirth and laughter.
When the mind is consumed with
Remberance of
Him
Something divine happens to the
Heart
That
Shapes the hand and tongue
and eye into
The word
Love.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Just checking in… Thank you Theresa, I’m honored by your kind words. Speaking of science or more towards psychology, one of methods I use to size a person up is the DiSC method (https://www.discprofile.com/what-is-disc/overview/). This is relatively an old method, I’ve first learned this at my first leadership training way back when, but still relevant to give you an idea on what the person’s personality may be when you first meet them. That is where my lead in conversation style, based on the DiSC method, comes in to teas our their desirers and then to something personal that will lead… Read more »
PJ, I apologize for the delay, I just found your comment! (I’m not notified when someone makes a comment on an article, so other than constantly checking back on each article every day, I have no way of knowing). I love all kinds of personality testing, I find it all fascinating. I had DiSC done many moons ago, and I’ll have to look to see what the results were and then see if it’s changed. I think your assessment seems right on, at first glance. Although I may have become more dominant due to my environment (my own modify) based… Read more »
You’ve done it again Theresa! What a great post and your introduction of EDGE has me talking. Please run with this, aight? Love your work and this conversation so much. <3 xxoo
Thank you Rick! (Sorry for the delay, I just saw these comments)!
I am enthralled by the concept of EDGE as well, and look forward to seeing where it goes. Maybe it’s worthy of its own article? Simply by citing some of these marvelous examples above, all men could benefit. And that’s the goal. Nice guys, being seen for who they are.
Thank you for YOUR work Rick! Thank you for you!
Theresa
Hi Theresa , 🙂 interesting enough is that I’m an Engineer where most of my work is math and physics and I have met many women in the STEM field with some interesting muses that others who are right brain dominate may find “different”. For some reason, anecdotally of course, the more left brain and introverted the person is , the more their interest become further from the main stream. I was a at a conference at one time and while I was working the room with the women, I’ve had conversations from Differential Equations (female engineers) to women’s couture… Read more »
PJ,
These are outstanding examples! You really could consider your own column, sir!
The old adage “you can’t read a book by its cover” is clear when it comes to what appeals. As a woman who is fascinated by science, your approach seems to appreciate all types and that is why it works. It’s inclusive science. Using reasoning, both deductive and inductive, you’re able to hold conversations and interest. Well done. Thank you for more examples, men world-wide could benefit.
Your comments are highly appreciated!
Theresa
Archy–lists. Yes, we are on the same page. I like them because I can remember pieces of information in list format but people aren’t lists! I’m grateful you appreciated the article and took the time to comment. (Writers never know where their words go.) As far as insecure: as human beings, insecurity is part of the package, from what I’ve seen. Some of the world’s most seemingly confident people get a case of the doubts…Oh. That would be a terrific article. I did write one on how they keep a superhero down, but it didn’t circulate much. Yes. It IS… Read more »
I don’t typically comment on these articles, however, I follow them to up my game (yes I’m male). The author has touched on something that I find that works very well is that the combination of nice guy and edge will get your foot in the door, so to speak, to start that lead in conversation with the women of interest. Also, not just for meeting women, but for all social and networking interactions. You can be a nice guy, but if you don’t have an “edge” which I can define as something that you have some passion in such… Read more »
PJ,
Well then it’s an honor that you DID choose to comment! Thank you for your points, and I love how you define “edge” as something involving a passion. Perfectly well stated. I think it can be something that’s a surprise, a bit unusual, and interesting. If someone was really into collecting stamps I might see a bit of trouble there, but there are so many other areas to find common ground with others.
Thanks for reading The Good Men Project, and I’m curious to see if this article strikes up any interesting conversations.
Be well,
Theresa
Sometimes lists make me wonder if women want a man who is just….better than they are. More secure in themselves “aka confident”, funnier, makes decisions more “aka confident”, has his life together “aka has a good career, stable income, house”. How many women would date a man as insecure as they are?
This list is a refreshing change, pointing to personality above all instead of the codewords for a middle-class provider who isn’t allowed to be insecure. It’s about WHO he is, not what he has.
Interesting discussion of “edge”. Some time back, I came upon a discussion of “edge” and the consensus was that it meant something that could be considered slightly anti-social. It’s one thing to ride a motorcycle. But pretending to be a rebel outlaw on a bike was “edge”. So you were it, anti social, or you pretended. A leather jacket and a stubble didn’t do it for themselves. It was that they called up the frisson of the rebel outlaw on a bike without being, you know, a rebel outlaw on a bike. After a list of things that counted, I… Read more »
Richard,
Thank you! I laughed out loud at “without actually BEING a rebel outlaw on a bike”! That’s priceless.
Yes, the ‘edge’ which you discovered long before I did has some merit, and I didn’t want to discount it into the Rebel. The bad boy.
At the end of the day, there’s something there. I like the idea of “dissimilar”. That can be edgy, if a nice guy positions is like you did! PERFECT example.
Thank you,
Theresa