The biggest problem with modern manhood is everything we value in manhood.
—
Identifying and condemning the clear trouble spots of masculinity is, thankfully, becoming more and more common. Arrogance. Self-interest. Sexual entitlement. Aggression and violence. Even mansplaining is getting called out.
But the most insidious characteristics of masculinity are those we continue, in good faith but in error, to revere and replicate. We continue to imagine the consummate modern man as resolute, strong, and independent; it’s a seemingly harmless list of hard-to-disparage qualities, but only as long as you don’t look too closely.
A resolute man is one who is consistent, is a man you can count on, is a man who is predictable, is a man who is inflexible and obstinate. This logic is absolutist and too rapidly descending, yes, but its simplicity illuminates the impossibility of what society asks of the modern man.
Even a man whose success is owed more to his ability to listen and to accommodate will be celebrated instead for his focus of vision, his unflinching power in executing his mission.
|
Consider the characterization of a flip-flopping political candidate compared with the impact of a politician whose change of principle and policy impacts the culture at large. John Kerry’s candidacy was weakened by a changed stance on the Iraq invasion while President Obama’s evolving view of gay marriage has encouraged similar change throughout the country. We demand men who stand by their principles at all costs, but those costs grow ever higher when such rigidity is brought from households into courthouses and war rooms.
Instead, the modern man should aim to be resolute only in ways general enough to be restricted to the theoretical. A good politician should be resolute in his commitment to his constituency, of course, but he must be pragmatic and practical in office. A good father should be resolute in his commitment, sure, but in practice he should be—must be—flexible in his parenting, and the same must be true of a husband, resolute in his commitment to a partner but flexible and resilient in every facet folded into that partnership.
◊♦◊
A strong man is a leader who doesn’t let others stand in his way, is a man who accomplishes without compromise, is a man who ignores voices of dissent, is a man who makes decisions that serve only those with views as narrow as, and in perfect alignment with, his own. Another slippery slope of logical progression, to be sure, but one that plays out in every arena from politics to entertainment, where male icons are defined by their strength in leadership.
Even a man whose success is owed more to his ability to listen and to accommodate will be celebrated instead for his focus of vision, his unflinching power in executing his mission. How often is history rewritten to support this romantic notion of masculine power, ignoring the pragmatism and compromise by which progress is pieced together?
◊♦◊
Like resoluteness, strength has its appeal, but it hardens ideologies, limiting intellectual and emotional movement. There is a vestigial link between strength and leadership by which we allow the biggest, loudest brutes amongst us to lead, but leadership can be considerate and precise. It can be subtle, subdued, even deferential. In its highest form, leadership looks like grace.
The independent man is the most romanticized of the masculine caricatures, and he is also of the most concern. A man who does not need others is a man not influenced or inspired by others, a man left to stagnate in petty pride.
This is a dangerous trick society plays on men, one that can result in communities built on hate, because when young men are expected to remain independent and autonomous, to be singular and unfettered, they are inevitably left to feel alone, isolated, and unheard. These are the young men who gather together based on shared bitterness and hatred, who aim their collective hate at women, who they misunderstand to be responsible for the impossible expectations that tricked them into insignificance.
Modern women are also valued for independence, although, to be clear, that independence is only relative to men, not to one another.
|
Ironically, these sad collectives hold a particular contempt for feminists, the majority of whom would like nothing more than to break down the very definitions of gender that lead men to this desperate isolation. There is nothing noble in independence, nothing admirable in isolation, and ultimately, the myth of the independent man undermines all that is beautiful in humanity, which does not exist except in the space between people.
These three characteristics are still most often associated with men and masculinity, and manhood’s monopolizing of all positive-seeming qualities is another problem altogether.
However, several generations and several waves of feminism have seen to it that women are now striving for the same qualities, and the resulting treatment of these resolute, strong, independent women highlights all that was wrong with the traits to begin with. A woman who is resolute is, at best, considered unemotional, calculating or ruthless—a bitch.
◊♦◊
Strong modern women are occasionally permitted to be leaders, as long as they manage the impossible balance of being a woman without being too feminine; some are even managing to be leaders and mothers, but to do so must hide away anything that would reveal them as maternal.
Modern women are also valued for independence, although, to be clear, that independence is only relative to men, not to one another. Women are still expected to be loyal and noncompetitive with one another, to build and maintain communities—which is unsurprisingly one of many qualities seen as weak in man.
Resoluteness, strength, and independence need not be divorced entirely from our understanding of what it is to be a man, but at the very least, good men.
|
Society has only progressed as far as admiring women who have taken on the qualities it admires in men, qualities that were already problematic for men and are now manifesting as regressive for women. We have yet to place value in characteristics already very much central to what it means to be a woman: consideration, generosity, compromise, flexibility, selflessness. In other words, all that the modern man should strive to be.
◊♦◊
As we reprioritize these overvalued marks of manhood, we must also address the hollow phrases that act as cultural Trojan horses, phrases like “a true gentleman” or a “man of character.” These allow the same antiquated ideas to slip into our definition of manhood without having to name them, allowing consensus by way of ambiguity.
Continuing to shape manhood by these qualities, either directly or through vague language that masks the same notions, is our biggest impediment to any real change. Resoluteness, strength, and independence need not be divorced entirely from our understanding of what it is to be a man, but at the very least, good men—us true gentlemen, us men of character—must acknowledge and reject the failings these traits harbor.
—
Photo: Getty Images
This article is full of straw men and false dichotomies.
I’ll point out, for the North American audience, that there’s another barrier to progress here. The description of these “insidious characteristics of masculinity” made me think of one person immediately. Donald Trump. It’s hard to argue that proudly displaying all these characteristics seems to be working extremely well for him. Let’s face it. Until we realize that the metaphorical caveman with a club in one hand, dragging a girl by the hair into his cave with the other, is the one who reproduces, while the modern man exhibiting “consideration, generosity, compromise, flexibility, selflessness” remains a genetic dead-end…this makes the capacity… Read more »
Except that in the caveman days, scientists speculate that only 40% of men passed on their genes (80% of women did). It’s not hard to look around and see that more than 40% of men today are reproducing.
That’s interesting. I’d love to know what the actual stat is. I just did a mental “role call” of all the male friends I’ve had over the last 3 decades or so, most of whom I’ve kept tabs on, and it’s far (FAR) less than 40% (maybe a couple dozen out of the first 100 men who top the list of friends). Of course, I tend to associate with guys who share my views on respecting women, and exhibit the characteristics described in the article of “consideration, generosity, compromise, flexibility, selflessness”. Now, if you ask me how many guys I… Read more »
I would think another reason what is holding back modern man are other men who want to deny modern man a full range of emotions and refuses to treat modern man as an equal partner in society.
This was wonderfully written. This stood out to me, “A man who does not need others is a man not influenced or inspired by others, is a man left to stagnate in petty pride.” This captures so clearly a certain type of man I so often run into. They are wonderful at their core – unique and creative, brilliant and passionate about their interests. But ultimately, they seem to mistake the acceptance of influence as a lack of principle. This type of man soon comes to view my own adjustments in the social space as “weak minded.” This “strength” of… Read more »
Well said, and it gives me pause to think about myself. This happened to me once. A woman I was friends with, got in touch with me many years later, and told me some eye opening things. I was impressed with her because of her competence as a stage actress, and her command of modern culture (especially music, which is like my religion). She told me that she was interested in me back then, but was intimidated by me, and listed reasons to do with how “smart” I was, the conviction of my opinions, how well backed by careful thinking… Read more »
I think there is a very noble, timely and worthwhile lesson here, Anthony. I beg you to share more….
‘She told me that she was interested in me back then, but was intimidated by me, and listed reasons to do with how “smart” I was, the conviction of my opinions, how well backed by careful thinking and research they always were, and how “solid” and independent of a person I was on my own.”
Shows that some women still don’t like smart men.
We adore intelligent men. But we also adore authenticity.
Apparently you missed the part : “Ironically, I delved into these things with her, because I was trying to impress her, or at least show her that in my own way, I was as impressive as she was. ”
Anthony stepped out of his authentic self in order to try and impress her and she felt that
.
Well no, not exactly inauthentic. I just was “always on” with her. I tried to be the best version of myself with her all the time, which is something I don’t normally get to do with other people. It was refreshing to be able to pull out all the stops with her. I don’t get that from most people. But I will admit, as I said, that one factor in it was feeling the need to impress her, because she was the same kind of person, who brought so much to the table, I just wanted to meet her half… Read more »
I guess another way to put it would be, I presented my most intense side to her. Intellectual discussions, presenting the results of my artistic expression, talking about heady topics that most people shy away from. It was a side of me that I felt she could accept, and actually wanted to see. She was doing the same. Never a dull moment with us, and not a single discussion about the weather. It wasn’t a lack of authenticity, it was more a choice about the character of our friendship. It just happened that what was so rewarding for us in… Read more »
Nice work Patrick. I found Jack Myers’ new book the ” The Future of Men” to be a good read on this subject.
No really comment, except to say thanks Patrick, for telling it like it is.