Tommy Threadcraft believes that even though men who resent women are in the minority, it’s helpful to look at the reasons why.
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One of the things I hear the most complaints from women (often times in response to complaints from men) about is the apparent disrespect or resentment that so many men demonstrate towards women. I actually see where they’re coming from on this one. I don’t think all (or even most) men hate women. I think actual misogynists are in the minority, but a lot of men who don’t hate women still hold a degree of resentment to women (or the position women are in, at least). First I should mention that I think most—if not all—resentment is a bad use of energy, though it’s usually not an intentional act. It inherently does you more harm than good.
The reason most men resent women is because their perspective is off. They’re focused more on things they can’t control and don’t like. They’re focused more on what others are or aren’t doing, rather than their own (in)actions.
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The reason most men resent women is because their perspective is off. They’re focused more on things they can’t control and don’t like. They’re focused more on what others are or aren’t doing, rather than their own (in)actions. The experience of life is ALL about perspective. You’d be surprised at how many rich and beautiful people are miserable. They don’t usually look at themselves from the same lens that their fans look at them through. They’re prone to the same tendency to focus on what they wish they had that someone else has (or what they wish they didn’t have to deal with). It’s the destructive side to the ego. Human nature, or socially conditioned nature perhaps, often times works against us. This is why we it’s important to understand men who have some resentment towards women. It’s human nature to resent certain people or things when your perspective’s wrong. How could men resent women in the first place though? What did women ever do to men? Glad you asked…
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1) Women represent sexual privilege/authority to the average man.
Today’s American male is more inclined to notice the social advantages and freedoms that women have “over men” due to societal norms, perceptions, expectations (or lack thereof) standards, and nature than he is to notice how he may or may not benefit from patriarchy. He sees women getting into clubs free when he has to pay 10 to 20 bucks. He sees the way men are expected to pay for dates during courtship (and drinks at bars). He sees how men are also expected to be the ones to initiate and escalate contact between the sexes. He sees how men are expected to protect their women from harm. Sometimes it seem like all men have are responsibilities, while it seems to him like women have options, luxuries, conveniences, high expectations, and a plethora of sometimes arbitrary standards.
The worst part is that many of these men see women as one of the most powerful authorities on his value and worth as a man. The way he sees it, women get to decide which men are worthy of any form of sexual gratification (aside from gay men). This is one of the reasons so many men tend to view women like they’re the government. For the most part these men obey the laws and know that they can’t and don’t really want to overthrow the government, but they still enjoy slandering politicians and debating changes in their local elected officials along with strategies for how to cheat or exploit the system.
I personally say that these men need to adjust their glass is half empty perspective and learn to use their own advantages. Women do have some advantages, but men have as many if not more. Most of the ones I just mentioned only apply to dating and relationships. In the laborforce it’s an entirely different story where women could say worst things about our privileges. Either way, only pessimists and people who find comfort in the victim position focus on their disadvantages and other people’s advantages. Leaders don’t do this. Not to mention, seeing women as government is one of the worst dating/relationship mindsets you could have. To me, that sounds like a stressful civic duty rather than a good time.
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2) Some men don’t particularly care for women’s values/interests.
The blogosphere is FULL of discussions about the many differences between men and women and the disconnects in perspective we tend to have. We generally care about entirely different things. It’s interesting to see all the different types of things that matter to women that are insignificant, superficial, unnecessary, arbitrary, and sometimes downright odd to men (and vice versa). Men and women live in different worlds it seems, and a lot of men resent the way this disconnect relates to dating, sex, and relationships. There’s a lot at stake when it comes to sexual preferences, behavior, and expectations. Women set the standards for what’s acceptable, desirable, and undesirable in men. This is a level of perceived authority that not all men are comfortable with (as I mentioned in #2).
When it comes to attraction and sex women seem to value things in men that men don’t find as important. Hence the resentment. Many men hate how so many women get turned on by demeanor, style, and confidence a lot moreso than substance of character, compassion, loyalty, or intelligence. This isn’t fair because not only does this not apply to every woman, but if these men observed themselves they’d realize that their sexual attraction triggers were even more shallow, primal, arbitrary, and unsophisticated. Even if it were true though, it would also be true that there are countless women who value the same things as you to the same extent you do. Complaining about the ones that don’t isn’t the way to find those women. So I say move to plan B.
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3) Women pride themselves on being complex.
Growing up in a house with four women I learned right away that women’s standards regarding comfort, cleanliness, and general satisfaction were higher than our government needs the debt ceiling to be. They struck me as experts at finding otherwise nonexistent problems, unacceptable quality, or discomfort in almost any given decoration, service, or product. This isn’t because they’re naturally negative or committed to discontent though. As the creatures of habit we humans tend to be, women in particular are a lot more detail oriented. They almost always value details more than us. This is why it seems like good is never good enough for them. The seemingly trivial aspects of a house, relationship, shirt, person’s tastes, or personality will usually somehow manage to be a lot more nuanced, bothersome, or generally a bigger deal to her than it will be to him.
Most men I know desire to be simple creatures, but I can’t say the same for what I see in most women. Women seem to crave challenge, mystery, intrigue, and other complicated things that disturb the peace men value so much. The average man resents the fact that so many women often feel the need to test him and reassure herself that he’s the one for her and that he’s qualified to handle her foolishness in case it flares up again later on. Women can also appear to be reluctant to accept how simple men are and how little we want or expect from them. Perhaps they’re annoyed by this reality because they realize that it means we can’t fully relate to them. Or who knows, maybe they just think it’s boring and disappointing. Even it that’s true, hatred or resentment is not the answer. Just find common ground and give each other space to be who you are. Decide what ticky tackness you can tolerate (from a woman who’s worth it obviously) and set your boundaries on the things you can’t and this becomes a non-issue.
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Did I solve this problem or is there more to the story? What do you think? How common is it that men resent women? Do they resent the difficulties they have in finding the right woman for themselves as individuals or do they resent the choices they have to choose from? Is this more about pessimism and a “woe is me” mindset of a lot of men? Is this just a symptom of broken, complicated, and/or hopelessly conflicting gender relations? You tell me.
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Photo: wheat_in_your_hair / flickr
Sorry, but I have to self that was such a load of pathetic whining. Women owe you nothing mate, not sex, not company, not flattery. Grow up have somethin to offer them.
Yep +1
I resent women not on purpose, but the way I have been treated by women has created a hate inside me towards women. I don’t do it on purpose. I used to treat women like poop and they would stay with me and now that I do not treat women like poop, all of the sudden I can not find a girlfriend. Instead now I get cheated on and lied to. Five times in the last 2 years. These are the reasons for my resent, maybe a new article should be written called “Why women like to be treated like… Read more »
I am a little surprised by some of the comments made throughout the article however it sounds as though these experiences are personal to the author and without input from other men. As a female, living in a large metropolitan city, each and every single day I walk out the door, I am reduced to nothing more than a piece of ass by men. This article suggests that women don’t give a shit about men, their wellbeing or the personality traits that would make them fantastic partners however I would argue that men don’t give a shit about women, their… Read more »
This article is trash. As usual, all blame is placed at the feet of men. omen ae never held accountable for their BS. Why not point out the games omen run on men that cause the resentment? Don’t want to offend the female readers?
Whats interesting here is that there is almost no mention of men resenting women because of how they have been treated by women. Its just: 1. Men think women have privilege when it comes it dating/sex but in actuality men are the ones with the privilege. 2. There are men that don’t care about what women care about and resent women for not being on the same page. 3. Women have standards and that pisses men off. At the end of the day this is yet another, “Its all men’s fault.” article. Men’s perception is wrong. Men’s focus is wrong.… Read more »
Amen brother! Amen!
I’m quite sure Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ himself, would not agree with the author.
I used to recent women who play games. they play hard to get. wants us to spend money and time (whicb is worth more than money to me) untill they dicide we are worth being with. the thing i realized women take adavnatage of week men who do not have the balls to do as they want, or are not honest. if i.like a girl i make sure she knows right away. when they play games i told them to take.time and decide if im right for them. i do not call or text untill they are ready. as clock… Read more »
Wrong. Men resent women because they have become intolerable, insufferable, arrogant, self centered sluts, who are completely worthless in any relationship scenerio. After years of putting up with their bitchy, entitled attitudes for too long men have finally had enough. Men who resent women are definitely NOT the minority. Men who resent women and speak openly about it are… so stop kidding yourselves. You women have been toxic and not worth wasting any time, money or effort on for years. Stop smelling your own farts for crissake. Marriage should be made illegal. Women should never have ANY power over a… Read more »
you recent them because you were not men enough to call them on their shit behavior. you probably are those guys who does everything for a girl buys her shit agrees with them 100%, and has his life dedicated to your women. how could she respect you. of course they look like self entitle arrogant bitches you allowed it. women are like children respect your self and be confident im your believes and action. truat me women would respect you and care for a rare men like that. im that way i have women beggimg to be with me. i… Read more »
Wow men resent women. As a woman I deeply resent men for their huge freedoms . All my life I have been tied down with child rearing and house duties even though I have worked full time . Now as a grandmother who do you think the children are also handed to . Their grandfather or me . My husband also had children yet all his life he had freedom to come and go as he pleased . A drink after work ? Sure ! A weekend away with friends? No worries ! Do you think he ever had to… Read more »
100% truth Cal and so sad! Hugs and blessings to you!
I definitely strongly resent women and partly because of what is in this article but also I strongly resent that society respects female bodies while supporting the practice of routine infant circumcision. Every day I wake up and my circumcised penis reminds me that I’m a second class status person in society and my bodily autonomy and integrity is not respected like female’s is. Women talk down to men about consent and respect and turn around and mutilate their sons. When I see women I just see a child molester who is going to hurt her son and someone who… Read more »
I am female and with a person who is uncircumcised. I would change nothing about that. I have determined that if I ever had children, I would not circumcise them. Get out with your excuses to hate women. I see you. You just need a justification for your hate.
Bro. Nobody gives a shit about your penis being circumcised or not. That’s a heavily distorted complex you have on your own, and you need to heal it quickly/
So what are these advantages that the men have? Also the first comment is a woman saying that she laughed hysterically at your article…..
This article had me mystified and laughing hysterically. It sounds like men are jealous of women. We need assistance though! Men can be a great help assistance. I think women are capable of more things than men are but it’s because we’re mothers! We naturally hold a lot of power, via nature, not something we asked for nor can we control it. I can make a human being in my body automatically with just a man’s sperm. My body does all the rest….so….let’s face it. We’re born this way and most women I know love their bodies. I wish men… Read more »
Dude. You’re saying men are at a disadvantage for having the dominant role of being assertive
Dude, you just said women aren’t assertive. Almost every woman I know is assertive.
and that’s the problem…
This is a nice article. I think though, that the gender aspect might be biased from your own experiences. I like how you bring up being particular as a trait worth paying attention to. Some people are definitely more attuned to minute idiosyncrasies than others are. But I don’t know if it can be definitively placed in a male-versus-female dichotomy. Maybe in your family, it was a trait the females had more of. Maybe the things that they were particular about were more “feminine”, like house decor. But maybe the females in your house gravitated towards caring about those things,… Read more »
Even IF that’s true. 😉
OK, but when when I use my advantages, I am told I am evil. Right? So I can offset the obligations with privileges, but then pay the emotional cost of being told that using the privileges is evil. In the end, the obligations need to even out. Period.
Stop lying to yourself, you pay either way.
Having dated the last 5 years, yes men are very bitter and resentful of women. This article is insightful but I don’t believe it will change. In America we have a culture of discontent and entitlement that robs people of joy. Upon marrying I realized how important sex was to my husband. So I read, studied, and began a journey of enjoying sex for him. I am proud to say I initiated it 3-4 times a week for 25 years. My husband was never happy with me, I guess he “settled” for me. When we were out he was constantly… Read more »
Well said. I have gone through much of the same. I think men lust after a woman only so long no matter what she does. It’s just nature and not your fault. Love only the hand can be learned and taught. Most men literally…do not know HOW to love. I think women have been in denial about this. But as much as we give and need to receive love, I think we’re going to need to teach it. The next question, is he a good student?
Dos Santos, I agree, because I have also become bitter towards women. I genuinely try not to let it control my actions, but it is difficult sometimes. I am always perceived as the nice guy by women. They think it’s okay to say mean things, and to take advantage of my kindness because they think that’s just who I am, a nice person. The truth is, I work very hard at being a better person than I am. I extend tolerance and understanding to others, and I can almost always see the other person’s side to the story, even if… Read more »
Too many issues was the issue.. The length of your email says a lot.. seek a counsellor/ helpline, instead of trying to play this out with a partner. Women like men who are strong, gentle confident and attractive.. Same things that guys like in a woman. We are all human. Stop justifying yourself. Get some exercise, a little therapy and stop blaming her. If she doesn’t like you, move on.
Straight up.
This guy’s frustrated. He needs love and sex BEFORE doing what’s needed to get back into the game. And he’s not the only one by a looong shot. We HATE strong and confident women. We don’t like them.We want the opposite. In case you haven’t seen, strong, confident and attractive men have become a minority. If we don’t change the current settings (revoke feminazism), the kind of men you want will simply disappear, meaning the few remaining of these will not be enough to protect you from the hordes of sexually deprived men who will take their revenge on women… Read more »
I agree with the above comment from Negro Libre. I don’t consider myself the type of resentful guy who disrespects women, however, I have to admit that I’m a bit bitter. I grew up in a culture where women would equally want to please their men as much as they expected men to make them happy. Now it seems like modern culture’s message is that women don’t have to bring anything else to the table- just being a woman is good enough. Well, I have to say, that’s not good enough for me. LOL
I think the fact that men are supposed to pretend like they love or even like all women is really the core of the resentment. Not only is it impossible for a man to love “women”, it kind of implies that a man’s love, admiration and respect are cheap, because all you need to do is exist and have the possibility of bringing babies into the world. It would be irrational to expect all women to love, admire and respect all men: there are some (a minority) they have those feelings for, and no one would challenge them to do… Read more »
I think it’s interesting that men and women both have certain advantages and disadvantages but we both so often focus on the advantages “the other” has over us. Not to mention, how a disadvantage in some way leads to an advantage in another way. Yet all we see is the other’s advantage.
Really, the best reply on here
@Erin, “I see men who are willingly and happily to shell out a lot of money for a beautiful woman that represents his ideal physical standards as well as social standing with other men.” Erin, I have to agree with you 100%. A lot of men stumble over themselves for the “hotties.” It’s really insane. Check out this link below, http://www.cnbc.com/id/101175584 It says it all. I cannot imagine going on a date with a woman and making the decision to pay based on her looks. Talk about shallow and narcissistic. That’s why I like to get to know a woman.… Read more »
That link is depressing. Even though it pretty much seconds what I said. I guess I just rather be proved wrong here, then right. All I wish for is that we start to recongnize that society is favorable to both hyper masculine and hyper feminine ideals and that us *regular* ladies (just like “regular” men) aren’t making out like theives in the night or anything like that. We are just trying to get by too. Find love. Find someone who really values and appreicates us and is more excited by us then some 18 year old Playmate/Model/Teen pop star (or… Read more »
Hi Erin,
Nah, it’s more like the regulat girls I ever wanted, went for some “bad” boy that they couldn’t get either.
So, all the poor sap she’s married to now knows, is that he’s “better than nothing”, being her fifth-or-something choise, while I who got rejected know know that I’m truly nothing.
I think what some men forget is that society is often easier on both men and women who fit into the ideals society has created as the epitome of femininity or masculinity. The women that get free drinks, that get catered to, get easy access to clubs, the women that men push outside their box to talk to, ask out and pay for dates; are often the women that are qualified and prized by society for their good looks, not necessarily their good hearts or minds. These are the women men want and pay attention to and are annoyed with… Read more »
Tommy, You say, “….but if these men observed themselves they’d realize that their sexual attraction triggers were even more shallow, primal, arbitrary, and unsophisticated.” Really! I scoff at the notion. How many men do you know would fuck a woman just because she drives a Maserati? But, I bet you know some women who would do so if a man drives a Maserati. Right? I most certainly do. I drive a Maserati and speak from experience. Now, if you are truly honest about things, who really is the more base, primal, arbitrary, and unsophisticated sex….? You don’t have to answer.… Read more »
Men and women have different attraction triggers. Historically speaking women have always looked for men to be providers which leads to finding that Maserati sexy and men have looked for women to be attractive which leads to men letting the heavy boobed woman into his Maserati.
The difference is that the man EARNED that Maserati – the woman was GIFTED with her looks. That’s the reason many men don’t respect women the same way they do other men.
On your 1st point. I think alot of the resentment is because we men don’t have the proper terms to explain whats wrong with our sexual space and how it hurts many men. Because of that, when men try to verbalize their problems what they get back is basically “no no no, it’s your own fault. The status quo is beneficial”. Let’s take shy, nervous or timid men that complain about how hard it is for them to find women, both for long-term or short-term. When we rag them. Call them “Nice guys”. Tell them that it’s all their own… Read more »
“On your 1st point. I think alot of the resentment is because we men don’t have the proper terms to explain whats wrong with our sexual space and how it hurts many men.” You’re right. It’s an uncomfortable topic for everyone involved, and usually a lot of the people who don’t have to go through it bring shame, insensitivity, and indifference to the conversation to quiet those who have legit concerns. It’s frustrating to watch. That wasn’t my intention though. I just wanted to let the fellas know that there’s still hope. “When we rag them. Call them “Nice guys”.… Read more »
It’s an uncomfortable topic for everyone involved, and usually a lot of the people who don’t have to go through it bring shame, insensitivity, and indifference to the conversation to quiet those who have legit concerns.
Just wanted to emphasize that…
Hi Tommy and FlyingKal I agree that this issue shall not be a taboo. But look at how the author express himself : ✺”The way he sees it, women get to decide which men are worthy of any form of sexual gratification (aside from gay men). “✺ This sentence scares me! And my question is : Shall somebody else than the woman herself decide when she shall have sex, and who she shall have sex with? How can it be otherwise that the woman control who have access to her body,her sexuality ? Reading this sentence make me feel that… Read more »
Hi Iben,
Q.E.D.
Hi again, Iben.
To elaborate on my Q.E.D.
Why do you think that creating (more) room for men to express their feelings of shortcomings, confusion and frustration, among several other things, is in any way connected to or would infringe upon any woman’s right to her own sovereign sexual decision-making?
FlyingKal My emotional reaction is based on a life experience with men that felt they had the right to use my body, without loving me. So I confess this is personal. And many women feel vulnerable sexually. It is probably impossible to express this feeling in words. Forgive me if I fail. And trust that I do not want to invalidate men’s sexual frustration and unhappiness. But I would feel more sympathy if they complained about lack of somebody to be with and love, and not only missed sex. Here is the expression that made me react: ✺”The way he… Read more »
@Iben, Hello Iben! I would like to offer a comment. You make some very good points Iben. Well, I don’t really know what the author meant by his comment. However, I interpreted it as a gatekeeper role. Here in the US, I think most men see it that way. Does not make it right. But, is not the whole point of PUA to help men get through the gates? Now on to a larger issue… You write, “But I would feel more sympathy if they complained about lack of somebody to be with and love, and not only missed sex.”… Read more »
Hi Jules You write: ✺”I think love and sex are two distinct (though not mutually exclusive) things Iben. It is up to the individual(s). Some people simply need that biological need met (‘just sex’) while others need both (I call it passion). That’s how I see it.”✺ Yes Jules , humans have a biological need for sex. The buildup of sexual tension can be harmful for both men and woman, and can give anxiety or worse. But if we break a leg, get cancer or serious emotional problems we can seek helps from nurses, doctors and shrinks. They will help… Read more »
Hello Iben, Yes, both get to decide, if they are in agreement. But if one say yes and the other say no, the one with the no should be (and usually is) the one to decide. And then you can’t say that both get to decide. But what I really don’t get is this: The sentence I commented upon and emphasized, was not a call for more “mindless” sex, but a call for more openness and communication around it. How do we want it and how do we feel about it? Now, if you have such bad previous experience from… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal You ask me : ✺”Don’t you think that your sense of connection and being loved is heavily reduced, when you start to feel that most of your efforts of communication and expressions of desire are being rejected laregly on a misconception of “only wanting sex!”?”✺ And my answer is yes. Have you tried expressing you love and desire with words FlyingKal. Dr. Phil like to say to men that men love with their eyes and woman with their ears. Love and desire express with word works like magic with some women as for play. You should try it… Read more »
Hi Iben,
As you know, I am Scandinavian too. And I rarely discuss from anyone else’s primary perspective than my own.
Iben. You said a lot of things that I agree with in this thread. It’s bad to force a woman to sleep with someone she doesn’t want to. And it’s bad to shame sex. But I think that you are painting something as black and white when it’s greyer than you think. All of the different campaigns that promote women’s diversity, be it about fashion, body hair grooming, femininity or the lack of, how many men she chooses to sleep with or period acceptance. All of these things have had a forceful impact on who men choose to have sex… Read more »
This is a very fair point. This is also where I find a lot of hypocrisy among most women. They don’t like the expectations that most men have of them when it comes to gender roles, but they expect men to inherently be the leaders during the entire initial stage of interaction/courtship. I’ve learned to deal with this and adjust but it wasn’t easy, and I know that it’s a lot harder for a lot of men out there. All I can say is that this forced gender role that men HAVE to deal with in order to get any… Read more »
~ why don’t they take the lead in romantic pursuit?
we do, yes we do. and it works. indeed it does. purrhaps one day youu too shall find this out ~*~