Statistics don’t make us safe, Lisa Hickey says. Self-empowerment and facing our fears do.
My daughter is having trouble with her asthma, and I have to get her to the doctor’s. She comes out of school, gets in the car, is dismayed because she forgot her textbook and wants to study in the doctor’s office. Her breathing is already labored.
So I’m elected to run into the school and get the book. “Third floor, Mom. Upstairs, take a left, then right, all the way at the end. Hurry, please.” I dash in the door while someone is coming out; school is about to get dismissed. Run past the admin offices: a meeting is just starting. I hear someone say, “Who’s that?” They glance out, decide I’m not a threat, smile and close the door. I don’t know anyone at this school, haven’t been to the requisite PTA meeting yet. I run to the stairwell and dash up the stairs, where a custodian, mopping, shouts, “Careful! Don’t run!” I run, anyway. At the top of the stairs I forget what Shannon said, “Left then right? “Right then left?” I text her to ask, and as I’m fumbling with my phone a couple of teachers pass by and say “you look confused, can we help you?” Her text beeps in, I say to the teachers, “I’m good” and proceed to her locker.
None of this would make for a particularly compelling story, were it not for one thing. Earlier that day, I had gotten a phone call, a recorded announcement from the principal of the school. “I would like to inform all parents,” said the voice, seriously. “That today at 11:30 am we had an incident. An unknown male was seen entering the building. He could not be identified, and so, as a precaution, we put the entire school in a lockdown while we sought out his intentions.”
You put the entire school in a lockdown?
If anyone’s actions needed to be questioned, surely it was mine—I was not only unknown, but running through the halls, acting confused, receiving directions through outside texts. And yet not only were my intentions not questioned, but nobody even asked who I was.
We get ourselves in a tizzy over “racial profiling,” but surely this is “gender profiling?” An unknown male enters a school. An unknown female enters and the entire school system protocol changes. I was allowed to roam free because I was a woman.
♦◊♦
I cannot remember a time when my actions have been treated with suspicion. I can remember a host of times when I have been suspicious, myself. Mostly, of men. And it has so permeated our society; I’ve been socialized for so long to accept this as normal that I haven’t even noticed.
When I look back on my life on how perception equals reality, I have to say this: both men and women have harmed me in equal measure. If I think about the sum total of lies, stealing, physical abuse, sexual abuse—it’s been about equal. Sexual abuse more male, stealing, more female. But overall, “things that have caused me harm” have been about the same when looked at through the lens of gender.
Here’s where you could trot out the statistics—but please don’t. Yes, I live my life based on certain statistics—I use sunblock, eat fruits and vegetables, and wear a bike helmet. Understanding how to act based on statistical data in all those cases has consequences for the quality of my life. The numbers are used to scare me, it works, and I take action. I slather on SPF 45, grab an apple, and put the helmet on.
Few of those things designed to cause fear invoked the persistent sense of panic throughout my life the way that being afraid of men had on my psyche. And what I needed to do was to find a way to deal with that fear, not not argue over the statistical validity of whether those fears were valid.
♦◊♦
I remember, after a spate of serial killings—the ones where a man often killed his victims after he stopped to fix their cars—my sister called me up in a panic. She wanted me to make sure I heeded the warning she saw on the news. Women who break down on the side of the road should not even stay in their cars; they were advised to run into the woods and hide until they saw the flashing blue lights of a police car.
And this, to me, sums up exactly what is wrong with the way we are socialized. Instead of teaching women to fear men, we should be teaching women to fix their cars.
There’s a lot less worry about a car breaking down on a deserted street somewhere if it’s maintained and you can change a flat tire in less than 10 minutes. I have done so while eight months pregnant.
The best way to overcome fear is to gain competence.
♦◊♦
As a woman, I’ve seen “The Presumption of Male Guilt” get played out in the workplace all the time. Sure, sexism still exists. There’s individual sexism and there’s institutional sexism (which sometimes gets called “Teh Patriarchy”). I don’t deny its existence. But I often think that as women, we’re taught so much to look out for sexism that that’s all we see.
And so, as women, we’re afraid. We’re often afraid to ask for the salary we want, look for innovative ways to both be parents and to lead companies, and we’re afraid to gain the skills we really need to get ahead.
But the wrong approach, in my opinion, is to presume men are guilty because they are men. A better strategy is to gain the competence you need to succeed. Not all men make it to the top slots either. The ones who have are usually there because they figured out what needed to be done and did it.
Eric M.. a frequent commenter here at Good Men Project, had a commented on the statistic about the fact that 87% of Congress is male. His comment was, “In many races, NO women run. So, what are voters supposed to do? Elect no one, or choose from the men who bother to run? Is the feminist movement not aware that women would represent 50% of the electorate if they were 50% of candidates? Since women are the majority of the voters, shouldn’t the feminist movement be chastising them for not running (or at least encouraging them to run way more), rather than using the fact that they don’t run as justification for demonizing us regular guys who have nothing to do with political decisions?”
We can presume men are guilty for holding public office, or we can choose, as an individual, to do something about it.
♦◊♦
Look, I’m a CEO of a VC-backed national consumer company—the kind of position said to be held by only around eight percent of women.
Has it been easy? No. Have I made tons of mistakes? Sure. Have I stopped at one of those mistakes and said, “Oh, it’s too hard, it must be that damn patriarchy again.” No. I’ve figured it out and kept going. It’s hard because it’s hard.
I’ve read that most CEOs of large companies—male or female—are there because they kept going long after most people would have given up. That, I believe.
So here’s a suggestion, similar to Eric’s. If you are a woman who is about to trot out the statistic on women CEOs or women as board members or women who raised funding again—if you are about to presume men to be guilty of preventing you from getting there—email me and ask me how I did it. Anyone who knows me knows I will gladly tell you all I know to help you succeed. I’ll tell you every mistake I’ve made (it will take a while, I’ve made a ton.) Here is my email: lisa@goodmenproject.com I don’t care what gender you are, I’ll tell you what I know about how to negotiate, what you need for a business plan, how to raise VC money—all the things that make it hard. Learning those things is the business equivalent of learning to maintain and fix a car. You learn to navigate the corporate structure without fear, and you succeed by gaining competence. And then it’s up to you to go out and do it. As Ghandi so famously said, “be the change you want to see in the world.” That’s what he meant.
♦◊♦
I consider myself an “equalist.” I am just as concerned, if not more concerned, with racism, ageism, classism as I am with sexism. The “isms” are the marginalization of people we don’t feel comfortable with. And marginalization is the presumption that someone is somehow inferior for something they can’t change. Their gender, their age, the economic level in which they were born.
A while ago, I came across an interesting statement when I was doing research for our series On The Environment. “Ecofeminism is seen as the connection of the environmental movement and the feminism movement. It is one of the only movements that combines multiple social movements.“ The thing that is interesting to me has nothing to do with “ecofeminism”. What’s interesting to me is this idea of “combining multiple social movements”—and how rare that is.
Yet—that is what we are doing here at The Good Men Project. We are about “men’s issues”—first and foremost, absolutely. But men’s issues are men’s issues, in part because society has been structured around a patriarchy, and the patriarchy is changing.
And, in some very fundamental way, we are creating multiple social movements around a variety of important issues—as they relate to men:
- Race
- Gender
- Sex/Porn/Sex Trade/ Sexual Abuse
- Sexism
- Ageism / Women and Beauty
- Education
- Homosexuality
- The New Dad
- Marriage, Divorce
- Prison Reform
- Class/Poverty/Homelessness/Unemployment
The thing that these all have in common (besides men)—is that they are all about one thing: They are problems because they are based on the fact that we marginalize people we are uncomfortable with. “Social movements” eliminate that marginalization by bringing people together for a common cause. And who better than “The New Male Patriarchy” to take a leadership role in de-marginalizing?
So let’s talk about stuff—related to men, of interest to men. Change what needs to be changed, with all the stuff that is good—actually great—about men, let’s just keep that the way it is.
But “presumption of male guilt”—let’s just eliminate that, shall we?
–
photo: Bao Tri Nguyen Phuoc / Flickr
About Lisa Hickey
Nice work, Lisa. Thank you. And, thanks for the honorable mention.
Thanks Eric! You made a great point. And we’d still like if you could write for us!
One of the disconnects that I see in feminism is the lack of support for the education of women for their own self-defense. Non-lethal or lethal, both are very empowering for women and men. Become an expert in your own self-preservation. Maybe it’s already out there, but I just haven’t seen it yet.
I agree that “becoming and expert in your own self preservation” is crucial for everyone. Whether that’s self-defenses, weight training, wind sprints, learning to become more aware of your surroundings, learning to negotiate yourself out of difficult situations, martial arts, or the more classic means of self-defense — all can become part of your instincts and help you navigate the world with less fear.
Reading between your lines Lisa: caution and competence coexist within us all, with caution usually being the more primal emotion driven by fears of some of the known and a lot of the unknown. Competence is much more willful and directed.
A bit like having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time….
We certainly are at our best when we exercise our competence.
To the best of my knowledge people who make it to the top fail WAY MORE than they succeed. I have always wondered about mass sexism, if the most of it came from people using it as an excuse for failure.
As an example I have heard from a co-worker that her mom does twice as much work and gets paid half as much as their guys in her company. I am certain that that ‘statistic’ is passed around the women who have heard it and used as proof of the patriarchy and sexism, yet it could easily have been made up , afterall, how would her mom know how much each man does and how much each man gets paid. When you carry this over to the general population you can see how it gets blown out of proportion.
thanks for a thought provoking commentary. One of the best things I’ve done is take a self defense course based on street fighting techniques. and such great advice to learn to change a tire and maintain your car properly!
Nice article
Just one thing:
“Look, I’m a CEO of a VC-backed national consumer company—the kind of position said to be held by only around eight percent of women.”
“But they create only 8 percent of the venture-backed tech start-ups, according to Astia, a nonprofit group that advises female entrepreneurs.”
Was that the line? You might want to revise that, it looks like your claiming that nearly one in ten women are running their own company.
Which would be pretty fantastic of course, but probably not true.
Not sure how you are reading that line? I have heard that statistic used many times before — it’s usually between 6-8% of VC/Investor-backed companies are founded/run by women. Which is what I’m doing. But I do want to make sure it’s clear.
Yeah, I thought that wasn’t what you meant. I read it as “eight percent of women hold this position,” as opposed to “eight percent of these positions are held by women.”
Sorry for the confusion
.
Lisa – do you have a hammer handy – you seem to be hitting quite a few nails on the head!
Institutional and Individual can be equally dangerous and both need to be nailed down!
I would like to point out that Equality is a bog issue – and that “presumption of male guilt” is in fact elitist!
Elite and Equality are anathema – and yet so rarely addressed side by side!
Thanks for all your very engaged comments MediaHound! I do think it’s why we have to keep talking about these things, working on a shared vocabulary, and trying to work it out together.
working on a shared vocabulary?
Lisa – mankind has been attempting that since at least the time of Babel! P^)
Depending on how you measure biblical time – that’s about 4000 years!
Could we just settle on a consensus progress report? P^)
Lisa:
Great post. One of the things I struggle with is the extent to which the women in my life are fearful of something bad happening (okay one in particular). This shows up in terms of anxiety about intruders, about locking things up, about all kinds of to me less than rational fears. I just don’t worry too much about that kind of thing. I worry about my kids, sometimes. But in general if someone is going to rob me, or kill me, or some other horrible thing I really would rather not think about it ahead of time. Just let it happen. But then I am 225 pounds and 6’3″ and she is half my size. I am male and she is female. The really truly bad shit in my life was my own fault. She’s had truly horrible stuff happent TO her, that was not her fault. Whenever I get frustrated that I need to triple check the door or put stuff in a safe and hide the key so well we both forget where the hell it is, I try to remember that she has a real reason to be afraid that I don’t. I can reassure her. But most of all I need to be compassionate. And loving.
>sigh< Well, yeah, that’s exactly the problem. That it’s important to be compassionate when someone has very real fears. And I’ve certainly seen you be that way in a variety of instances Tom.
Part of what I was trying to get at in this article — but wasn’t as focused as I might have been — is that I, too, have had very real reasons to be afraid. I can’t even being to talk about most of them — it would sound like a bad romance novel. And because of those experiences, I was afraid of men for as long as I can remember. And sure, I was justified. But it turns out, that is simply no way to live. Once I got over my fear of *men as something to be afraid of* life got better. And it didn’t get just a little better, it got so dramatically better that I can’t even imagine my previous existence.
And I think I’ll have to write about *that*. Hence the sigh.
http://titfortat6.blogspot.com/2011/11/shrodingers-rapist-is-sexist.html
Tom
Far be it from me to tell you how to manage your marriage and relationships – BUT…. P^)
I believe that you are using the word compassion when what you actually mean is understanding or even accommodating.
Compassion is a state of mind and being where when you are aware of the suffering of another you don’t just accommodate it – you seek out ways to alleviate it completely! It’s not about personal demeanor – It is about intent.
Maybe you aint got one point about TGMP – it’s actually about being compassionate and not just sweet tea and sympathy! P^)
Compassion is a profound human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another’s suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as altruism. In ethical terms, the various expressions down the ages of the so-called Golden Rule embody by implication the principle of compassion: Do to others as you would have done to you . Ranked a great virtue in numerous philosophies, compassion is considered in all the major religious traditions as among the greatest of virtues.
http://www.reference.com/browse/Compassion
This is a false and sexist stereotype:
“I try to remember that she has a real reason to be afraid that I don’t”
Men are the victims of violence more than women. Her fears are gender stereotyping. Would you pander to a racist who was “worried” about black people in the neighborhood? No more should you put up with (let alone endorse) sexist stereotyping of men.
“Men are the victims of violence more than women.”
Let’s put it in proper context shall we? That’s because men are the vast majority of perpetrators and the ones incarcerated, in other words the “troublemakers”. I have no sympathy for criminals in prison who beat each other up or for troublemakers, nor should anyone. That’s a cheap statement to make. You exhibit too much sympathy for the incarcerated; that goes for anyone who repetitively make that manipulative statement.
In my native country, prisoners are beaten, not by other prisoners, but by prison officials. Crime is extremely low to non-existent there. Unlike NorthAmerica, my country is too small to accommodate and cater to vermins for years on end; they find ways to make sure the incarcerated rot to hell quickly. My country believes that the scum of society forfeit their rights once they commit a crime.
“That’s because men are the vast majority of perpetrators . . .”
Be sure to never call someone out for blaming the victim, lest you be guilty of hypocrisy, because that is precisely what you have done here. Your statement blames the victim for happening to be the same sex as his attacker.
Read the rest of what I said: “I have no sympathy for criminals in prison who beat each other up or for troublemakers, nor should anyone.” And if they happen to be majority male – then be it.
I do not see criminals as victims which you and DavidByron obviously do. I am actually FOR capital punishment, if this was instated more often, the issue of prisoners beating each other up would be a non-issue. And warping the statistics to include prisoners in violent crime would go out the window.
Perhaps the two of you personally know of men behind bars (friend, family member?) because i seriously don’t know where all these warm fuzzies for the incarcerated come from.
Ship the prisoners to my native country; they will take care of the issue of “Men are the victims of violence more than women.” NorthAmerica puts up with BS from criminals.
This is getting progressively more misandristic. In order for your statement to be accurate, all male victims of violence would need to also be criminals.
According to your argument, all men who are carjacked, robbed, mugged, shot, stabbed, and attacked are criminals and deserve what they get. If that’s your opinion of males in general, there is nothing I can say to convince you otherwise.
You have no evidence that the low crime rates in your country are due to the beating of prisoners. There are also low crime rates in places that don’t have these barbaric policies. We have higher standards here and I am glad for that. I figure that’s apart of why you came here.
Thanks. Hearing bigots express their views is always good.
@Michelle
You should have grown up in my world. You wouldnt be making criminal comparisons.
So my having my face beaten to a pulp by three other guys when I was 12 doesn’t matter because I have a penis too? Ok, using that logic we shouldn’t worry about rape because its usually black people raping black people and whites raping whites.
I’m glad to hear your native country is so crime free. I’m guessing false accusations never happen there either? Once those beaten and abused men are released from jail, what happens to them exactly?
I think it would be reasonable to tell us where this country you’ve come from is. I strongly suspect its not the crime-free paradise you’ve painted it as.
As for capital punishment and dehumanising torture of prisoners, have you ever heard of the innocence project? Even if you do think criminals should be maltreated, the fact that criminal justice systems are proven to send innocent people to jail so often alone should make one pause. Just pray it never happens to you, as a woman you’re probably safe, but not absolutely.
I sure wish Michelle G would tell us what her native Country is. We’ve been asking for days.
I have had this argument with men in my life. Yes, statistically, men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women. Nevertheless, women (as well as men) need to be concerned about personal safety. I don’t really give a crap about statistics. Statistically, men are more likely to be in a car accident. Should I stop wearing my seatbelt?
If my car breaks down, I won’t accept a ride with a stranger (make or female). I don’t answer the door when I’m home alone if I see a stranger outside. I keep the doors locked. I don’t go for walks at night. I’d rather not BECOME a statistic. That’s not sexism. It’s prudence.
Someone claimed women are victims more. I pointed out that this very common statement is a sexist lie. You took exception because……?
Maybe you’re just saying why should it matter who’s more likely to be a victim? I actually agree 100% with that. Please remember I was RESPONDING to someone ELSE who was using the idea that men are victimised less to justify victimising men more. I think that’s bullshit myself. I don’t care if women are hardly ever the victims of violence. I am not a mirror image of a feminist who says men are hardly ever victims therefore no men should ever get any help.
Like with DV shelters. Feminists lie and say men are hardly ever the victims in DV, like ten percent maybe. Then they use that lie to say therefore any men who are victims deserve no help. They passed a law in the 90s making it illegal to help male DV victims on that basis.
To me the argument is bigoted regardless of which sex is the victim of DV more. A victim is a victim and deserves help whether they are a man or a woman. If only one woman in all history was a victim of DV and all the other victims were men, I’d say help that woman. Of course.
I am not a bigot like a feminist. I am not the mirror image of their hate.
If you felt I was saying some idiotic nonsense like that then, no, I was not.
Wait, wait, they honestly passed a law that made it illegal to help male victims of DV? I have a hard time believing this, and I’m having a hard time finding information to back it up. Will you please provide a link? I’d certainly be interested in this – and whether the law has since been rescinded.
The funding was restricted to shelters for women only. No that law has not been rescinded but they are still negotiating re-authorization of the Violence against women act.
Good for you, I don’t think locking your door is sexist either. But its not always the victim’s vault. I’ve been assaulted by strangers on a friday night out before, should I have stayed home and hid under my bed instead? I’m sure thats not what you’re suggesting, but men have alot to worry about when it comes to being out at night.
I do not see that as sexism so much as a matter of his perspective and mindset. He does not see himself as having anything to be afraid of – he clearly sees himself as a physically large, strong and able bodied. When he says being compassionate he relates to his wife not having that feeling of competence, self confidence in terns of being able to protect herself. Because that is his perception the fact that as a man he may be at risk as well – based on the stats quoted does not enter into his thought loop.
Some criminal studies have shown that criminals target victims who appears vulnerable and afraid i.e. lacking confidence – simply that people who are confident and perceive themselves as competent and able to take care of themselves carries themselves differently and are less likely to be attacked.
Oddly enough the current culture of fear of everything reasonable or otherwise and the tendency to over react to the smallest thing because of the aversion to risk feeds this inability for folks to feel competent and able to take care of themselves. Fear seems to beget fear and it feeds on itself until it infuses itself into everything.
Oddly enough there are some ardent feminists who say that it is not the responsibility of women to take self defense classes it is societies responsibility to teach men not to attack. Even though taking action to increase confidence and feelings of competence reduces fear.
Just random thoughts in response to your response which raised more questions – but at least it is getting people thinking
Yeah that thing about the fear causing more likelihood of attack went through my mind too, but I have no idea if it’s actually true or not so I said nothing.
It would be poetic justice. The fear is hatred – prejudice. We would be saying, when you hate others the results immediately rebound on you! Well it would be nice to live in such a world but I think in the real world … not so much.
This is a sexist comment in the original article. Does the author see why?
quote:
“As a woman, I’ve seen “The Presumption of Male Guilt” get played out in the workplace all the time. Sure, sexism still exists. There’s individual sexism and there’s institutional sexism (which sometimes gets called “Teh Patriarchy”). I don’t deny its existence. But I often think that as women, we’re taught so much to look out for sexism that that’s all we see.”
You have NOT been taught to see sexism. You have been taught only to “see” sexism against women. To understand that “sexism” only ever means “sexism against women”. A falsehood you just repeated here. In fact you’ve been taught to NOT see sexism – against men.
Point well taken, thank you.
Wow. Someone who takes criticism gladly is someone who pursues knowledge without ego. A true rarity. How wonderful to witness! Thank YOU.
The contrast between a man in the school and a woman in the school is a great illustration of the idea that men are presumed guilty until proven innocent. I think “gender profiling” is an excellent term for it.
The lesson for criminals — if you need to do something illegal in a school, send a woman instead of a man. A “hockey mom” would be a great cover for a drug dealer, apparently.
The essay would be better if you went with the gender profiling line. It’s not just women who gender profile men, though they are especially sexist with that. Discussing it from the point of view of gender profiling would correctly label the men as victims. Instead by making the issue women’s “fear” you end up talking as if they were the victims again.
Do we talk about racial profiling by discussing how the racists are the real victims?
Women don’t have a right to their fear. Their fear is gender profiling. It is sexism. They should be challenged on it just as any display of prejudice should be challenged. How else will people learn?
Victims need to develop a language of their experience as victims — because society generally only articulates the experiences of the powerful, of women, and not of men. In this essay you repeated that failure by again articulating the experiences of the powerful, and not their victims. Had you talked about “gender profiling”, you would have talked about the experience of men.
This is something men go through ALL THE TIME and yet it is hardly ever discussed, so I do congratulate you for even mentioning it. But it needs to enter the vocabulary to allow the victims experience to become appreciated. That requires repetition.
I don’t have a right to be afraid? That’s ridiculous. I absolutely have a right to be concerned about my personal safety. My right to my personal safety trumps your abstract right not to have hurt feelings. I am not rude to anyone, or discriminatory, but I am cautious when I’m traveling alone etc. Should I stop being cautious?
You don’t have a right to be afraid of men specifically, no.
Just as you don’t have a right to be irrationally afraid of black people for example — meaning that if you express that fear in civil society you run the risk of being called on your racism.
Gender profiling is sexism.
By all means take some precautions with strangers or in rough neighborhoods. But as the article says if you go shutting down the school over a man but are fine with a strange woman, then that’s sexism pure and simple. It’s no different if you’re afraid of a lone man walking behind you on a dark night but not a woman. It’s no different if you say no men need apply to work at the creche, but you’re fine with women.
Being cautious of a man walking behind me at night is not sexist. Again, it is just prudent to be aware of one’s surroundings. And if I am afraid, so what? That’s the privacy of my own mind. If I step into a store or cross the street for my peace if mind, it doesn’t affect him in the slightest. Why should he care?
Well, I guess the point is we men DO care, Miss Jill…especially in the sense that while we as men understand the situations and concerns women have about this subject, many men (me included) feel bad that so many women have to make these “peace of mind” choices to insure their own safety.
Many of us are also aware that this necessary mind-set is the direct result of the advice that men themselves give the women and girls that they care about. Please read the comment I left further down this thread to see how I try to deal with this issue effectively.
The victims of profiling do get it Jill.
Because you don’t get it, I’m guessing you’re a white woman?
And FYI? You’re making yourself less safe when you do that.
Consider:
(1) most men will defend a woman should she need help. By removing yourself from a probable source of aid you are endangering yourself.
(2) if you HAVE encountered a man who actually might attack you then you just pissed him off.
My best friend from childhood was abducted from a gas station at night and murdered when she was 21. Possibly by a serial killer — her murder has never been solved. Another friend of a friend was abducted by 2 men off a street in San Francisco after class one night, robbed, raped, thrown into freezing San Francisco Bay naked. The perpetrators shot her as she tried to swim away. One of of them is now on death row. I was just reading about the actor who played “Random Task” in the Austin Powers movies. 20 years ago, he and another man kidnapped a woman who was walking her dog (they stopped to ask her directions) and brutally raped her. It was so brutal that he got life without parole for torture after being identified through DNA evidence.
Ted Bundy got many victims by standing on the street in a public place with crutches and asking his “target” for help putting something in his car.
Now, the chances that I would be the victim of a similar crime are small. Tiny. Miniscule. But not zero. Unless the chances are zero, I’m going to be careful and, yes, feel a certain amount of fear when approached by a strange man. Not panic, not irrational fear, but the kind of caution that I feel in any situation that has some risk.
Interesting you mention my race. Why is that relevant? Have I said anything that is even remotely racist? Ted Bundy was white. Most serial killers are white.
How would crossing the road have saved any of those victims?
The Ted Bundy case is illuminating in as much as it says the people you really ought to be afraid of you won’t be afraid of. In other words this whole strategy is a failure in practise.
You don’t seem able to defend against that line of reasoning and fall back to saying there’s a non-zero chance blah blah blah. But if you really cared about that then you’d avoid all women too wouldn’t you? After all they also have a non-zero chance of turning out to be attackers.
Didn’t Bundy work with women to help get victims?
You make no sense in point (2). You are saying I should not take precautions against a man who might attack me because that might just piss him off? So I should do what, exactly?
And I disagree that most men would “defend” me if I need help. I live in an urban area, most people will walk on by and ignore someone who needs help. Maybe it’s different in a small town, but in a city, you have to assume you are on your own.
I gotta say, I’m with Jill on this. Gender and racial profiling do make sense to a degree. Around where I live the most likely people to attack me are young white men wearing tracksuits, when I see them I get nervous, I can’t help it and I try not to show it too much, but its there and its not irrational.
I think the problem creeps in when those precautions get taken to extremes (like calling the police because theres a black man in a white neighbourhood). Its also a problem when the fear is irrational, like treating strange men in a school as security risk, but not strange women. I don’t think theres an established track record of exclusively male paedophiles abducting children from their classrooms.
Well obviously you must hate people who wear tracksuits
Why would anyone advise not being cautious when you travel?
There is one observation that can make Travel better though!
If you assume that the natives are friendly they generally are, and the opposite is also true.
If there is open hostility run – but don’t create it by your own attitudes.
Enough of this.
Maybe this isn’t allowed (guess I’ll find out soon enough) but I’m gonna run the response I gave over at Hugo Schwyzer’s “rape culture” post:
“I know at first this will sound like a trivialization, but hear me out.
One of the “alternate” names for the Batman character is “The Dark Knight”. If you want to watch the vast majority of men turn into a “Dark Knight,” ask them about how they feel about violence against women, and PARTICULARLY rape. This attitude even extends to women who are victims of crude male behavior such as one female poster mentioned. The “presumed guilty” tendencies (I refuse to call it “rape culture”, that term is a simplification of a very complex issue, this entire comments section is testimony to that) seem to be stemming for the most part over necessary female concerns in public as well as other situations. Granted, this can be taken to paranoid extremes, but instead of getting tore outta my frame over this, I will choose to employ some rather simple tactics that make it obvious to any lone female I encounter that I’m not a threat.
I leave plenty of “personal space” between myself and any woman alone that I speak to, especially if conditions such as an empty parking garage, or stranded by herself on a lonely road are involved. I follow these and a few other guidelines, until I determine by her speech and body language she has decided that I’m not a threat. I do this out of understanding her caution, not the fear of a face full of pepper spray or any personal resentment over “rape culture” indoctrination. I have offered a ride to stranded women that included my spoken understanding that in these circumstances, if she feels more comfortable riding in the back seat while I’m driving, I would certainly understand. I consider none of these concerns/fears a woman would have a “presumption of male guilt”. I also do not believe the precautions a woman feels she must take in vulnerable situations is an automatic condemnation of ever male onna goddam PLANET.
I even employ a pleasant “courtly” attitude & speech pattern as I offer that ride in the back seat, explaining my understanding of what she may be concerned about under these circumstances. My favorite writer, Robert A. Heinlein (known as the “Dean” of science-fiction) declared through many of his male characters in many of his books that courtesy and politeness in human society was a sign of strength, not weakness.
I submit to you all that what I have mentioned should be included in Mr. Heinlein’s assessment of male courtesy & polite behavior. Good men should be willing to understand the real fears that women can have that drive this issue, and surmount its problems and the male resentment Mr. Schwyzer mentioned with a sense of compassion, style (“courtly” attitude, remember?), courtesy…and most of all strength.”
So you’re advocating being an Uncle Tom?
IE sucking up to the oppressor as much as possible? You find a woman who exhibits traits of prejudice against men and you say the best reaction is to show them subservience? You don’t even take the opportunity to show them the error of their ways but enter into their hate filled fantasy and encourage it?
That is not healthy behaviour for you and it is not healthy behaviour for the women either.
Ghandi said it was better to be violent than to have no self-respect.
I think its courteous and the fear is often genuine. When I pass anyone on a quiet street late at night I leave good passing room and try to look as un-threatening as possible. Its not sucking up to the opressor to try and make people feel less afraid about you.
Black men can relate to trying not to appear threatening around white people but when people start locking their doors as you pass by it’s pretty offensive. No men should not have to do special things to make women feel safe regardless of their color. We are human and we are not going to accept our full humanity until we have the confidence to demand to be treated as equals.
Mr. Byron, you are SO fulla shit over this issue I would NOT be surprised to discover that you have been placed under 24/7 surveillance as a potential source of raw materials for a fertilizer manufacturer.
“…advocating as an Uncle Tom”?
“…sucking up to the oppressor”?
All of that over considerations freely given out of a sense of understanding over legitimate concerns for someone in an obviously vulnerable position?
This attitude also forces me to urge you to seek the services of a “consulting detective”…
…since you obviously have NO clue.
…oh, and Mr. Byron?
I’ve been told that the ORIGINAL troll says your lease is up.
He would like you to give him his BRIDGE back.
There was a discussion following “Elevatorgate” that suggested to men that if they’re walking down a street at night and see an oncoming lone woman, they should cross to the other side… just out of courtesy to her probable fears, to make her feel ‘safer.’ It was supported with statistics showing how often men attack lone women at night, etc.
A followup comment asked if a black man should likewise be expected to cross the street to avoid looking “threatening” to a white pedestrian. After all, blacks statistically commit more violent assault crimes than whites, etc.
Kinda clears up the issue, doesn’t it?
Great Article. This culture of fear we live in today is too toxic, why do we teach our women to fear men so much when most men will probably protect them? Why do we see the stats showing men are more at risk on the streets than women, yet it’s women who feel the fear? Possibly we see so much male-male violence on tv that we expect it to happen, we’re desensitized to it and assume the greater evil is when women are assaulted by men (protip: neither is more evil).
Teaching our young women to grow up in fear is harming them I believe, Yes there is a possibility they will be hurt but they’re more likely to be hurt by people known to her. The random’s on the street don’t need to cause mass anxiety, meeting new people should be a rewarding experience and not one putting the fear of god into them. Nothing wrong of course with being cautious, learning self-defense, etc but expecting danger to happen to the point you start to lose out on living is a problem. Prejudice against men is way over the top these days, new cdc stats show both genders get assaulted, raped by both genders significantly that everyone is at a decent level of risk but even still the fear can own your life.
I ended up with an anxiety disorder after severe bullying and various abuse, I feared women as much or probably more than men. I wasn’t afraid of being beaten by people, I was afraid of something more sinister in my mind, to have my trust abused and the emotional abuse that goes on with no real way to stop it. Get beaten up and you have visible scars, you can goto the police and hopefully something can be done but to get verbally slaughtered? Only your shrink will realize the damage done, because society can’t understand the impact of psychological abuse.
It’s amazing to see a woman speak of how much CEO’s actually work, how many fail to get there and that it isn’t all about sexist this n sexist that but the fact that it’s extremely competitive, and if women give up crying sexism whilst the men keep fighting against all odds then of course more will be men at the top. Keep fighting ladies, fight through the barriers and don’t give up. Sexism will start to disappear when people see a hard working woman who doesn’t give up climbing to the top against all odds because humans value success.
Thanks for this Archy. I agree, it’s tough to erase the invisible scars, but what else is there to do? There’s a lot of us here who truly are in this together.
Acceptance of pain is a start, I think many women but especially men too need to acknowledge the pain they have faced. Decent mental health support services will go a long way to helping people, as a man who went through bullying and abuse I can now see that if I never received help I could have easily been a very violent person. Lashing out, fearing everyone, thinking everyone is bad can be very bad and make you feel like they don’t deserve love or respect. Pain that isn’t dealt with commonly is buried with drugs/alcohol, fighting, escapism (gaming, new relationships you bury yourself in), and that pain never gets dealt with but simply causes havoc to us.
Something I learned was my bullies were most likely abused at home, my abusers were most likely abused and it made me hate them less but more pity them and pity society that they never had the help and safety. If they had received help or if we had a society that got rid of the abuse in the first place, possibly they wouldn’t have hurt me and our lives would have been much different.
Those violent men and women in our society, what burdens are they carrying, what pain did they suffer, how many of them walk by us thinking that woman will hurt me, that man will hurt me, get into relationships and small issues remind them of the past but this time they won’t take it, BAM, take that, you won’t hurt me I will hurt you. /end drama, but I feel that many abusers are probably doing similar things where they may hate women, or men, for something that happened long ago by someone of that gender. There is a study around showing many male rapists had been raped themselves by females and this could easily grow a hatred for women. There are serial killers who target people similar to mothers or fathers in their childhood who had abused them. It’s a very sad and vicious cycle that goes on, 1 abused 2, 2 abuses 3 and 4, 3 doesn’t abuse anyone but 4 abuses 5, and so on until one day the billionth person abuses 1billion and 1.
This is why I advocate for society to see both genders as abusers and victims, regardless of the rate. It’s in everyone’s best interests to get help, support, and safety for all people, it’s in the best interests for feminists to get men safe as well as women because to cut that cycle means to stop further abuse in many cases. When people grow up in safe, happier lives, knowing respect and love instead of pain and abuse then I doubt they’re wanting to hurt others. No need for revenge if the original attack didn’t take place. No need for many who are in pain to hide away from the world and avoid others, no need to shame others when we don’t have insecurity. There are so many ways to fix this world and the hardest step is getting both genders to admit they can abuse AND be abused.
We don’t need to white knight women, we need to protect EVERYONE. Even “low-lives” in jail need protection, abuse begets abuse, stop the cycle everywhere. Beat a dog and he’ll probably bite back, humans are no different. End the abuse, end the pain, end the fear, end the cycle.
I TOTALLY agree Archy, thanks for this. Especially this:
This is why I advocate for society to see both genders as abusers and victims, regardless of the rate. It’s in everyone’s best interests to get help, support, and safety for all people, it’s in the best interests for feminists to get men safe as well as women because to cut that cycle means to stop further abuse in many cases. When people grow up in safe, happier lives, knowing respect and love instead of pain and abuse then I doubt they’re wanting to hurt others.
Thank you for speaking about a difficult topic so eloquently.
This is by far the most important thing I’ve read from any of the commenters on mine, Hugo’s, Tom’s or Lisa’s pieces and probably the only thing (other than what Lisa pointed out on mine) that has made sense to me as a way of seeing the “other side”. Thank you for that.
“This is why I advocate for society to see both genders as abusers and victims, regardless of the rate. It’s in everyone’s best interests to get help, support, and safety for all people, it’s in the best interests for feminists to get men safe as well as women because to cut that cycle means to stop further abuse in many cases. When people grow up in safe, happier lives, knowing respect and love instead of pain and abuse then I doubt they’re wanting to hurt others.”
Also, I must say, I never disagreed with any of that, despite how others may have made me out to seem.
Thank-you, I’m glad it helped. If everyone realized this we wouldn’t have the gender battles, I think we’d lower the rate of abuse massively across the board. Where others see violence, “criminals”, I see people who have been failed by society as a whole, prisons have so many inmates who didn’t get the help they needed at the start of their life and live in environments that breed “bad”. I can’t help but wonder what life would be like for those inmates if they lived in a safer home, safer neighbourhood, someone paid attention and gave them the support they needed when it mattered. We owe it to our family, friends, neighbours, strangers, to raise our children to grow into adults in a safe society and we need every single group working together to make it happen. It’s all linked together!
Wait, are you saying I should either personally run for office or become a CEO or shut up about factors that lead to an imbalance between men and women in those positions?
I could not agree with you more, Lisa. Now here’s my absolute bottom line re: the “female fear” issue- which is very real and effects all women to different degrees. (I should preface this by saying that I’m a well respected women’s self defense expert and advocate and former trauma psychotherapist (primarily) and also a woman who’s been violently groped and assailed and has suffered manhandling indignities AND has succesfully fought back and escaped…):
Bottom line: Instead of being fearful (that sucks) or striving to be fearless (impossible and dangerous when you get down to it) woman and girls must also learn how to be FEARSOME. I’m talking and including killer instinct.- not to unduly inflcit violence but to preserve and protect life, to defend our boundaries/ digntiy / that which we hold sacred. And that includes the acquiring of bang-up skills, cooked in female ferocity, and that taps into the power of primal fear itself.
And of course, this isn’t the solution to violence against women, nor always best, but it IS a vital piece and link in the chain. Half the worlds’ population should not live in fear of the other half.
I could go on and on but that would be my book not merely a reply. Thank you Lisa for a very gutsy and truthful piece.
You certainly weren’t focused. You were entirely in the wrong in putting the blame for fear on women, scolding women for rational fear, as opposed to putting the blame where it belongs–on men who encourage and PROFIT FROM women’s fear. Most especially on men who LIKE women to be afraid of those OTHER men…because then they get to be the white knights and protectors.
Men who LIKE the status quo and LIKE the fear women carry because it makes them look good without trying to actually be better people. If they were better people they’d tell MEN to quit being cretins instead of telling WOMEN not to be such silly fraidy-cats. And you’re feeding right into this ridiculous mindset.
This whole thing read as just another, “See how special I am, Boys? How unlike those other, sillier women I am? Like me! Please! (Tee hee!)” Nauseating.
Cara said
“Men who LIKE the status quo and LIKE the fear women carry because it makes them look good”
Oh Cara, it saddens me greatly to read your post.Truly an egregious wounding.
Men are loving and nurturing creatures, if you just let us.
All life springs from our loins!
We are procreators,protectors and life givers.
Too bad we poor creatures are maligned so often and kicked about like common refuse.
The world is so often what you visualize it to be, think happy thoughts!
Be well!
Thanks freebird. I totally agree. No men I know want me to be afraid. Every man I meet these days is loving, caring and nurturing. They just are. My whole worldview changed when I let them be that way.
putting the blame where it belongs–on men who encourage and PROFIT FROM women’s fear
These men absolutely, positively, DO * NOT * EXIST.
Most especially on men who LIKE women to be afraid of those OTHER men…because then they get to be the white knights and protectors
They’d rather not have to fight. Rather not have to be armed. Rather not have to panic when our wives are 20 minutes late getting back from the market. Even the cops I’ve known, are not like this — yes, the are paid by our taxes to be “protectors”, but they also have wives, girlfriends, sisters, daughters or whatever, and they’d MUCH RATHER that sex criminals simply were not around to worry about. They know all too well what those creeps do.
Even the criminals themselves don’t profit from the fear. They’d much rather their victims would be naieve and vulnerable.
I repeat: “men who encourage and PROFIT FROM women’s fear”….. DO * NOT * EXIST.
If they were better people they’d tell MEN to quit being cretins
That conversation has already occurred. In the legislatures of every civilized country of the world, long before we were born, good men spoke to the cretins by making rape is illegal, and subject to serious punishment if it’s reported and fairly proven. That’s the only language cretins understand.
Oh, I forgot to add–OF COURSE your life gets easier and “happier” when you start spewing the status quo platitudes. It makes most people happy to hear that crap. Most people LOVE to listen to victim-blaming because it makes them feel safe. Never mind that the list of things one does to “deserve” victimization is contradictory and ever-changing.
For some of us, though, the loss of self-respect isn’t worth it.
Cara I’m confused. I cannot see how I, or any other man, would want to keep women living in fear. All men have women in their lives important to them, mothers, grandmother, sisters, close friends, girlfriends, and the last thing we want is to fear monger and drive them away from us. Female fear of men hurts men too.
Simultaneously, it’s disingenuous to assert that keeping women living in fear of men somehow makes men look better. Since when does it look “good” to be labeled as a threat? Last time I checked, no women checked out a guy she just met at a grocery or wherever and thought “Wow, I was so scared that guy would physically abuse me I almost pissed myself twice between Ben and Jerry’s and the frozen pizzas, now how can I slip him my number?” Negative stereotypes about men (or women!) hurt everyone, male or female. They also do nothing to make any dude feel like a better person. If anything, female fear makes guys who would otherwise be proud of themselves shameful of their sex.
In fact, the only men I can see who “profit” from female fear are those that sell mace or self defense classes.
Obviously Lisa has experienced great adversity, and struggled to overcome her (very justified fear). I applaud her journey; she inspires anyone working to overcome negative emotion to live a happier life. Lisa spreads a beautiful message of self-actualization and empowerment. Of course it’s easy and cheap to make ourselves feel good by belittling her accomplishments and insulting her and her piece with knee-jerk labels like “victim blaming”. Most people LOVE to knock others down as it makes them feel strong.
For some of us, though, the loss of self-respect isn’t worth it.
Thanks for the comment and kind words Dan.
Cara, I would respond to you but I cannot actually understand your point. I am talking about my individual point of view, one in which I have gained self-respect, not lost it. One in which my personal life changed for the better. My life changed for the better — what more can I say? If you are going to try to deny me a better life, I can’t really have a conversation with you. I do hope you find a solution that works for you.
Sweetheart, I’m not the one denying you anything.
I’m telling you, point blank, that you can throw under women under the bus and set yourself up as the one special girl in the treehouse all you want, but it’s not going to get you true membership in the boy’s club. You’ll always be a girl, and you’ll always get the short end of the stick when the boys who think in these terms have to choose between treating you with respect and having the respect of the other boys. That’s why I’m telling you this. Not to make you fear men. Not to make you change your mind about living your life. Just to say that it’s not as simple as your stage one epiphany makes it seem.
That’s all. Men aren’t the problem. The system is the problem and refusing to see it might make you more comfortable but it doesn’t change anything.
Like I said. Do a little more reading and a little more thinking. What do you have to lose?
The system is the problem agreed. No need to patronize with sweetheart is their? Not meaning to come to Lisa’s defense, she can get fierce with the best of them, but your message is more powerful without the dismissiveness. The system is the problem agreed and all of us have to do the work (reading digesting et ) cause its a big system. Kyriararchy. I get dinged all the time for use of theory but I think it’s vital to bring up. It’s also vital to try and meet people where they live. I personallly don’t find patronizing people to help. Your points are stronger in my mind without it
Grah! “there” iPhone car driving
I’m not saying all men consciously think that way. There are plenty of decent men.
But men who aren’t abusive still benefit from women’s fear–by not having to try very hard. A man who is the bare minimum of decency gets to feel like a prince, compared to all the rapey assholes. In other words, it’s a pretty low bar to clear.
men who aren’t abusive still benefit from women’s fear–by not having to try very hard. A man who is the bare minimum of decency gets to feel like a prince, compared to all the rapey assholes
Far, far from it. Rape and abuse, or the everpresent threat thereof, make women far less accessible to good men, and the after-effects of rape really can sour a relationship that otherwise might have worked out (speaking from personal experience). Simply put, the antics of the “rapey assholes”, RAISE the bar much higher, creating a DISadvantage, an ANTI-privilege, for good men.
The “rape culture” theory, which holds that men who are not personally guilty of rape/assault nevertheless somehow benefit from the acts those who do (and for this reason, don’t *really* oppose it as much as they claim), is ludicrously backwards.
PS
A man who is the bare minimum of decency gets to feel like a prince,
And totally unrelated to the abuse/rape/fear issue, it is well known to men, that having a “bare minumum of decency”, does NOT allow you to “feel like a prince”. Again, far, far from it — most decent men report a long history of being romantically rejected in favor of jerks before they finally luck out and manage to setttle down (if they ever do.)
In a world full of rape and abuse, you’d think women would SELECT FOR a “bare minumum of decency” in their romantic choices, but…. they usually don’t.
Have to agree in many cases with van Rooinek here, being a decent guy isn’t viewed as being a prince as in current generalization version of society nice guys don’t fare as well as jerks. Being rich and decent looking might make a man feel like a prince, but the average man definitely doesn’t.
(some of this will be mass generalization to fit with stereotypes, only applies to some and what I perceive of the people I meet and experiences I’ve had.)
It makes me sad that men and women are raped and abused, it directly has harmed my own life (my abusers had been abused), directly harmed my family, friends, loved ones. I’ve been at a funeral of someone in the family that died and been extremely aware to watch out for the father because I would have to have stopped her brothers from bashing the shit out of that man (he was abusive to her and them, and their mother, and probably had been abused himself).
You’re living in a dreamland if you think decent men somehow benefit from this stuff, no, many decent men I know are on guard for it for their own protection and the protection of those who they love. I can’t say if I am a decent man, that’s for others to decide, but I can say I personally do look out for friends, family, and myself, I am ever vigilant in spotting danger to the point my own life has been affected by it. I’m always going to have a protective instinct, I have to ensure I remain calm to judge a situation properly because if I don’t want to needlessly harm someone if I am protecting another.
Women have fear, and men have fear too but the difference is men are taught to ignore their personal safety to protect others, they fear for others and not many will admit their own fear. I grew up with fairy tales of men protecting and sacrificing themselves for others, turns out that it wasn’t a fairy tale at all. And many men seem to be like this, they feel the fear and hear all about the fear of women in regards to rape and fear their loved ones will be harmed by other men, behind many female rape victims is probably quite a few men and women ready to tear the flesh off the attacker and a very real fear of the safety of others. As silly and wrong the advice women are given by some guys can be, you’ll probably find quite a few of those men fear for the safety of those women and are trying desperately to protect them. In case you didn’t notice, men fear men quite a bit at times and in this example it’s fearing the safety of their loved ones.
I don’t like my sister in law nor cared much for her family. One exception was her cousin, Denise. She worked full time as an EMT. Her income was modest, but she always made Halloween costumes for my niece and nephew. She cooked and kept a clean house. She was pretty and spent time working out, but the main thing I remember was that she was always kind to me. She would talk to me about things I knew she wasn’t interested in to make sure I felt welcome. My mom called her the perfect woman and I think her assessment was spot on.
On the other hand, when I met her boyfriend Mark, my first instinct was to rip his windpipe out us his throat. Her family adored him. He was successful, a millionaire in his 20s. He bought his mom a house and owned a beautiful home. Looking into her casket, the only thing I could say was sorry I should have ripped his windpipe out. The bastard shot her twice in the head.
One less good woman because of an asshole, how do I benefit?
Another woman’s take on the matter:
http://www.avoiceformen.com/miscellaneous/my-name-is-typhonblue-and-i-am-a-survivor-of-rape-hysteria/
I’d like to tell you a different story, but related. Society teaches women survival techniques, but not men. Maybe along with teaching women not to be unnecessarily afraid, we need to teach our sons to be a bit more careful. I read a post on a feminist website that complained that women are taught not to leave their drinks unattended, but if things had gone differently, I might have wished that I was taught the same thing.
My friends wanted to go clubbing in hopes of hooking up with some women. They wanted me to come and I wasn’t in the mood. They would just sit in the corner anyway like they always do. Social pressures got to me and I agreed to go, but decided that I was just going to have fun and not even try to meet anyone. We got table and just like I expected the guys never left so I decided it was time to liven things up. I asked the waitress to bring my friend a “muff dive” so he could show off his skills and hopefully get a date. She never heard of it so I explained what it was. It’s essentially the female version of the blow job. Fill a shot glass with liquor. Put it in a larger glass and hold it in place by filling the gap between the two glasses with whip cream. You’re supposed to lick the drink out of the
shot glass.
The waitress came back with a couple other waitresses because they wanted to see it. My friend was embarrassed. Of course I was egging him on. Asking him how he expected to get a date unless he showed off his skills. It drew the attention of a couple other women. We had a blast. My friend got about a third of the way through the drink. The waitresses left. The two women stayed. I had started a conversation with one of them on sexually suggestive drinks sex on the beach, silk panties, screw driver, etc. Every time I named a drink, she bought it for me. When I suggested that I couldn’t drink anymore because I hadn’t eaten, she bought me dinner. After I exhausted my knowledge of sexually suggestive drinks, she started buying me the regular mixed drinks like long islands. Each time we ordered from the waitress. After a time, she suggested that she knew of another drink called a f@ck me harder. Replace the @ with a u. She told me to wait while she got it.
If anyone told me not to accept a drink from someone I didn’t know, I might not have, but hey, I lifted weights or recently stopped (I can’t remember) and I used to kick box, what am I afraid of? I told the drink and don’t really remember anything about the rest of the night. When I spoke to my friends a couple days later, they told me that she gave them something for me when they (the two girls) brought me back to the club. They left me $40 and told my friends to make sure I took a cab if I drove in.
I don’t know what happened, but I have an idea. I would have probably slept with them anyway if that happened, but would have liked to have experienced it. The way I like to think about it is that even unconscious, I satisfied two women multiple times so much so that they each left me $100, but the boys gave me the change after paying their bar bill. When I think back on it more seriously though, I think about how bad it could have turned out and I was kind of peeved that my friends let me go. They thought I was getting lucky and I can’t blame them because that’s what boys are taught.
Hmm, good article.
I like the point about statistics. In fact my personal idea of the meaning of prejudice revolves around them – it’s treating an individual based on a statistic, not as an individual.
And bravely said for speaking out about competence. While male rapists have done much to contribute to the “women live in constant fear of rape” meme that gets put around quite a lot, that is something women themselves can go a long way towards dealing with, by refusing to live in fear. It’s neither sexist nor victim blaming – we see it in individual lives after some other trauma, we see it collectively on a national level when something like a terrorist attack happens. In feminism, however, so often those emotions are manipulated to fuel a narrative.
Yes to this, great way of articulating it: “Prejudice is treating an individual based on a statistic, not as an individual.”