Are Your Assumptions Keeping You From Finding True Love?
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Like everyone else, I had a type. After I found the courage to come out of the closet, I found the courage to dream about what my life would look like and with whom. The image in my head was clear. He would be thin, educated, established, and close to my age. He, too, I predicted, would have been married before, and have kids around my kids’ ages. I would know him when I saw him and we would trail off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
I finally decided it was best to just make friends and give up on the idea of finding love. The stress of it all was exhausting.
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Then, two years went by. My heart had been broken repeatedly. Mr. Right had been wrong so often, I started to think there was something wrong with me. I finally decided it was best to just make friends and give up on the idea of finding love. The stress of it all was exhausting.
Then, one night at a Meetup group, I overheard a conversation between a college professor and a young guy, whom I assumed was barely old enough to get into venue, which served alcohol. I scooted my chair closer to listen in. The conversation was intellectually stimulating, at least for the young man and me. The professor, apparently irritated with both of us, soon excused himself.
“My name is Tim,” I said to the young man.
“Hi, Tim. My name is Abel,” he said back to me. Abel, I learned, was in college working on a psychology degree, while I was finishing up my degree in education. We shared a love of research, politically incorrect humor, and most importantly, desserts.
Abel was shorter than me and stocky. He’d come from a background of poverty, growing up with Mexican immigrant parents in East Los Angeles. In fact, at one point in his life his family became homeless. He’d been diagnosed with a learning disability early on and had to drop out of high school as a teenager to raise his siblings when his parents disappeared for two years to find work. I, on the other hand, was raised by middle class parents and, by all accounts, lived a rather comfortable life growing up. I had an established career.
Over the next few months, Abel and I began hanging out together. I’d invite our other friends to come with us, but without fail, they would cancel at the last minute. As Abel and I spent hours alone with each other, I learned about his deep passion for learning, his love for people – all people – and his profound sense self, in spite of all he had been through. Abel treated everyone equally, regardless of degrees, financial status, age, looks, or even disabilities. He genuinely had no interest in material things. I’d never met anyone like him.
I found myself becoming more attracted to him, but not in the traditional sense. I was keenly aware of our differences in age, race, and economic status. We didn’t even have the same shoe size. Over time, however, those barriers disappeared. He became my best friend, confidant, defender and champion. In spite of all the reasons why I shouldn’t be with him, I was falling in love.
♦◊♦
What’s your type?
Most men, gay or straight, have a “type.” There are a number of factors that influence what we find attractive. They can include cultural upbringing, past sexual experiences and even our ideas of emotional and financial security. Evolutionary biology tends to attract us to people we find physically healthy, whom we mentally perceive can produce offspring for us, whether they do or not and regardless of our desire to reproduce.
These attractions, along with our sexual drives, send us on tangents, looking for the person who perfectly fits our ideal of the perfect partner. We go out with people from work, with friends of friends; we search social media, meet people at nightclubs, bars, churches, and even our local grocery stores. Most of the time, we rely on that initial “spark,” or attraction, to tell us if we’ve met the right person. Even then, it can be months or years before we know for sure if we’ve met “the one.”
Should you feel something?
The chemical reaction in our brains is similar to inhaling a line of cocaine…and our brains are flooded with dopamine, “a chemical that drives us toward a perceived reward.”
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The spark that most of us look for usually settles down in our relationships somewhere between 12-18 months later. Dr. Peter Pressman calls it “the high.” The chemical reaction in our brains is similar to inhaling a line of cocaine, he says, and our brains are flooded with dopamine, “a chemical that drives us toward a perceived reward.” However, it doesn’t last. It’s when we come off of autopilot a few months later that we have to actually start working on our relationships. For some, that may mean looking for the next relationship high and starting over.
In Western cultures we have adopted the unique idea that love is, has always been, and should be, romantic. In ancient civilizations – and as it is in many cultures outside the U.S. today – marriage was more about property ownership and reproduction than love. Many cultures pre-arrange marriage and treat it more like a business transaction than the sacred act of unity that we profess it to be in America. Even then, According to the American Psychological Association, divorce in America still runs around 40-50%. There are no guarantees in any relationships, even ones that seem to start with great chemistry and even hotter sex.
What type of relationship do you want?
While I fantasized about the type of person I was looking for, I didn’t give much thought to the type of relationship I wanted, or needed. (Sometimes those are two different things.) Some couples look for partners that compliment their strengths and compensate for their weaknesses. Other relationships are more traditional, where one person is the head of the household and has the final word. Best friends may be the goal in another relationship, while some may seek out excitement and eroticism.
Because you find one piece of the equation in a relationship, doesn’t mean you can’t create the rest.
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Because you find one piece of the equation in a relationship, doesn’t mean you can’t create the rest. The romantic part of my relationship with Abel was not there in the beginning. It was something that developed over time. The relationship began on a solid foundation of friendship and admiration. Yet, we had hurdles beyond the usual things couples deal with. We are an intergenerational, interracial couple. In fact, I broke up with him for a month at the beginning of our relationship because I didn’t think I could handle the differences. I soon realized that those differences were insignificant compared to the relationship we had. I was willing to work through them.
♦◊♦
A year ago, Abel and I got engaged. After nearly six years together, I can’t imagine my life without him. Our biggest differences are age related, but not the way you’d think. He dresses like an old man, pays his bills with handwritten checks and sees new technology as “witchcraft.” He thinks I spend too much money and often refers to me as his “Kardashian.”
We’ve had two arguments in six years, but I can’t remember them. What I do remember, are the ways he makes me laugh, how he loves me unconditionally, and that he always treats me like a prince. Always.
Sometimes love comes in unexpected packages from unexpected places, and it can be even closer than we think.
Photo – Flickr/MjZ Photography
I guess no one bothered to edit the title of this piece…..what kind of grammar is this!!!
You forgot that when you ask a question, you are supposed to end the sentence with a question mark, not three exclamation points.