You don’t just believe she loves you, you are sure of it. Yet, you can feel her slowly slipping away from you.
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You reach out to touch her, and you feel her body tense. It’s so subtle; you used to think you imagined it. She rolls her eyes each time you speak. It is as if everything you say is ridiculous. You almost wish she would get angry so you can talk openly. Instead, she is pleasant but detached.
No matter what her man does, he will always be wrong.
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The few times you do find the courage to express how cold she has become, she denies anything is wrong. And for a little while, she goes out of her way to be extra attentive and loving. But you know it is not going to last. In a few days, you will be back to waiting alone in bed, while she keeps herself busy. You know she is waiting for you to fall asleep first.
Yet, with other people, she is still the fun-loving woman you fell in love with.
Women do exist who show no respect for a man, regardless of what he is like. No matter what her man does, he will always be wrong. Her feelings for him are not strong enough. There is also the wife or girlfriend that nags you and gives you a bit of a hard time. It can be annoying, but it is not personal. When all is said and done, she is there for you and you feel close to her.
What do you do if you have the lady in this scenario that is polite but aloof? This is perhaps the most difficult to cope with. You believe happiness with her is within your reach. You just cannot seem to grasp it.
I spend my life working with entrepreneurial women who prefer not to go home. I am going to share a few of the things they tell me that a man may never guess would be a problem.
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You rely too much on her for support.
One of the wonderful benefits of an intimate relationship is to have somebody who supports and encourages us. Even so, it is not their responsibility to validate us so that we feel loved. When we rely heavily on the approval of our partner, it puts enormous pressure on them to act how we want them to. By default, it means they are not free to just be themselves. They will eventually resent you for putting them in that position. From a sexual perspective, a needy man is just not attractive.
You are boring.
Spending time with your partner is extremely important. Date nights are marvellous for keeping the romance alive. They are not so marvellous if they are the same dinner and a movie routine that you have been doing since you met. It is remarkable how two people in a relationship can have the same conversation over and over again. “How was work?” “What time is American Idol?”
Being more imaginative does help, but another way is to have interests outside of your relationship. That way, when you come back together, you have new things to talk about. The irony is that if you are a man that relies on your lady for lots of support, you are less likely to do things without her, or with friends of your own. When you find a pastime that you are passionate about, you become more interesting to her, and it makes you feel great too.
You sulk, go quiet or walk away when you are frustrated.
This is classic, passive aggressive behavior. You could justify it because you need space to process or calm down. Maybe you do. But each time this happens–just like water dripping on a stone–it will wear away her respect for you. You risk her thinking you avoid situations or that you are emotionally immature.
You use money and gifts to get the reaction you want from her.
She wants to love you, so encourage her to share her feelings.
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I cannot image any woman who does not enjoy receiving gifts or having money spent on her. It is lovely. But an intuitive woman can smell manipulation from afar. You love her, and you want to please her. The problem is she knows you are only doing it to get on her good side. If you spoil her all the time; then good for you. But if you only do it at specific times, like after an argument, or worse, just before you try to make love to her. Note I said try. Furthermore, if you already disagree about finances, it just makes matters worse.
Money is the issue that gives me an insight into the private world of the men and women I work with. When they decide to tackle the finances in their business, it can open a window into the other areas of their life which they also want to repair.
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It is hard to feel criticized because you love someone. She probably feels stupid and petty herself; so she doesn’t say what is truly on her mind. Remember, you are not responsible for your partner’s behaviour. She can always choose how she responds. She cannot, however, choose how she feels.
She wants to love you, so encourage her to share her feelings, no matter how difficult it is to hear.
Imagine if the next time you reach out to touch her, instead of flinching, she reaches out to touch you, too. And this time it is because she wants to.
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Photo: Flickr/ EyesOnFire89
Some women will be unhappy no matter what man they are with. These women cannot stand to be alone because then there is nobody to blame their unhappiness on. Perhaps they have some mental disorder, perhaps they have some spiritual problem or perhaps they just dwell in negativity all day every day and it ends up in this seething hatred for their husband. Guess what they divorce the husband and marry the next one and they are still miserable behaving the same exact way. These women are hopeless and if you are married to one like that just divorce her… Read more »
I wanted to say so much, but Jules and Sarah really nailed it. I do feel like there is a lean towards blaming the man. So many articles about this! It’s his fault if the relationship goes South. One word I’m getting tired of seeing is settling! If a woman is with a man that she thinks is making her “unhappy” she’s settling, as though he’s a thing. We settle in jobs, we settle for places to live, or what color of car we drive, but saying we settled for someone makes them sound “less than” and that’s horrible. I… Read more »
The vast majority of “unhappy” wives clearly blame their husbands. Do you really think they believe in personal responsibility for poor choices? However, just because she says it is her husband does not mean such is the truth. Yes, she is indeed lying. But to herself too!. Why? Because, it absolves her of taking responsibility for her own issues and inadequacies. Or for simply being selfish. Or for simply being a liar herself. He husband IS a problem for her. Yes, that is indeed correct. However, it has nothing to do with the reason(s) you detailed. We (women in particular)… Read more »
I think what you are talking about Jules is the tendency everyone has to get bored in long term relationships. I think what you are saying applies equally to men. Novelty and mystery are important for sexual desire. The big difference may be that men would rather keep having sex with their wife, even if the sex is boring, because boring sex is better than no sex. Whereas when women are bored with sex they would rather have no sex at all. What is the solution? Both people have to commit to keeping the chemistry alive. Women talk about still… Read more »
@ Sarah, “They want to be able to fart and scratch themselves and sit on the couch in sweats without worrying about it, then they wonder why their wife seems to think they are gross when they try to initiate sex. (Women also get lazy and let themselves look like sh!t, but again, usually men will still be up for sex because sex is sex, whereas if women feel turned off, forget about it.)” OK. We can agree here. I think that kind of behavior is indeed pretty damn gross as well. I would not want to have sex with… Read more »
Sorry Sarah, You just hit the PUA side of the Red Pill, read further. There is a variation of things in the manosphere, and there is “sexist, misogynist crap” which is feminist for “won’t put up with my woman crap”. Its not a very nice place for men in this new woman oriented society and more men are becoming aware. However, your comment “truth is that women do need men to maintain the mystery and unpredictability and sexual tension to really feel attracted” is absolutely correct and recognized on the Red Pill side of the house. Part of the equation… Read more »
“She cannot, however, choose how she feels.” – I suggest she learn how to do just that – there is an entire section of self help books in Barnes and Noble dedicated to just that. If you cannot control your own feelings – and are not responsible for your own feelings, and are aloof, waiting for the husband to go to sleep first – who is being passive aggressive ?
Georgette, You are giving no answers. This is a very prevalent Men’s issue. Literally, women can’t give these answers, only the effects. Is he boring? He needs to get out and hang with some Man friends, do man stuff. He needs to be the best He can be physically and mentally. He needs to have an adventure from time to time, to remind him he’s a Man. Unfortunately, these same men listen to women’s advice which really solves nothing and further sets him up for failure. And the Red Pill is where the answers can start. Where men can learn… Read more »
Nothing new here. You’re needy. You’re boring. You sulk (suck). You’re predictable. But as usual – no answers. Women don’t have the answer. They aren’t men.
WELL TODAY’S YOU’RE LUCKY DAY GENTS! I have an answer! “The Red Pill!” Google it.
Meanwhile work on the one thing you can actually effect. Your self. Hone your mind (learn) and hone your body (get off your fat a%^ and get some PT going). Be a better you. Its all you got.
Good article but the problem is an even bigger one when you have a wife that wants the control for family decisions (I’m thinking the control issues go hand-in-hand with entrepreneurial wives) then complains when you look for her input instead of just taking charge.
I confess I was guilty of being that type of woman at one point. It was not intentional, but I had to recognize it and learn when to step back. Again I felt safe to say how I was feeling (financially insecure), and we figured it out. If this is an issue for you I hope it all works out.
Translation: man=bad woman=good. I am tired of women not taking responsibility.
I totally agree with you James. Women do indeed need to take responsibility. But in a relationship one person cannot fix things on their own. The more you understand the other person, the more equipped you are to resolve things. Too much energy is wrapped up in who is right and who is wrong. A man making so called “mistakes” is not wrong, he just does not understand what he is dealing with.
“But in a relationship one person cannot fix things on their own.” The woman you describe in the beginning of the article is exhibiting classic passive-aggressive behaviour, expecting the man to pick up on and correct any malfunction she might perceive in the relationship. Yet when she does it, she’s entitled to it. It is only when he does it (your point number 3) that there’s anything wrong with it. James is right. No matter what the problems are in a relationship, it’s the responsibility of the man to fix it. (Yet, women keep claiming they don’t want a “fixer”…)… Read more »
” The more you understand the other person, the more equipped you are to resolve things. -”
Tell that to comedian Bill Evall. On one of his shows, he talks about women and trying to figure them out especially with his wife. Just when he is able to figure out his wife, she does something different and he stated “Is there a manual to this machine?’ (meaning his wife).