Maybe I should’ve made sexual connection more of an issue in couples therapy, rather than letting most of our discussions and negotiations focus on some crisis that always seemed to be at the top of her list.
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THE OFF PARENT: I write anonymously to shield my ex-wife and children from the anger and pain that are all part of this process. You cannot avoid the hurt. But you can avoid hurting others. The goal is not to be bitter or vindictive. If I can provide some ideas that will help others with their pain, or perhaps point them in the direction of self-recovery, that is great, but that is not my goal. Let me be clear about this: This is not a self-help blog. I am not a daddy blogger. I am the *off* parent and I blog the song of myself from both dark and light rooms.
These posts are being republished by The Good Men Project in a sequence to reflect the three-year process of divorce recovery. The story continues…
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I use the term blowjob interchangeably to apply to both sexes. And for me, the phrase, better to give than receive, actually fits. But it is also a sensuous desire that needs to flow both ways, for the full appreciation to be understood. Again, I’m out on an untested limb here, but I’m assuming a person is either “into” oral sex or they are not. Ideas like learning, or inexperienced, by the time one has passed out of their twenties… Well, I’m willing to bet, if the fascination isn’t there, the desire isn’t there either.
In my divorce recovery class (I participated in one session, and facilitated at a second session) the most amazing meeting was the night we get to ask the sex questions. And without breaking any confidentiality here, this was the big “ah ha” moment for me and many of the others in the group.
BIG REVEAL: Oral sex is not for everyone. Many people (both men and women) can “take it or leave it.”
I was stunned by this revelation Having had an insatiable desire to see, explore, play with, and taste, the female vagina, I have not known a time since my late teens that I wasn’t willing, ready, and able to dive into a woman’s nether region with abandon and enthusiasm.
I did not have an example of her withdrawal into logic and reason. I was not aware of how her stress response was to go into “spreadsheet” mode and try to map out the “plan.”
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I do understand that people express love in many different ways. And if we take the 5 Love Languages as a model, there are 4 of them that are not physical touch. But still, if the sexual act and sexual organs are not objects of mesmerizing awe and curiosity, I suppose, in my definition that person is not all that sensual. I mean, sex is a yes, in most people, but oral sex, I am understanding is an acquired taste. Or perhaps a learned and cultivated behavior.
In one of my two classes the question of oral sex made the rounds as a polling question. “Oral sex, yes or no?” And the answers ranged from “not so much” to “essential” to what became known as my answer, “deal killer.”
I am a sensuous human. I find my way, my security, my thrill, and my comfort in physical intimacy. And the actual act of having sex is less important to me than being in-process in some form of physical connection with my significant other, when we are in close proximity. If I pass you in the kitchen as I’m heading to another room in the house, I am the one who is likely to pass close by so I can put my hand on your back or shoulder as I move close by you.
And when things get difficult in life or even in the relationship, I am the kind of person who would rather snuggle and support than almost anything else. It’s not avoidance. The tasks and trials will all be met, but let’s pause for a minute and gather our collective resources, be together with the event, and then move from that place of closeness to solving whatever is going on. My ex-y, I learned, was from a different planet. And while the signs were clearly marked when we were courting, had I known what to look for, we didn’t really hit any major stressful relating issues until well into our third or fourth year of marriage.
So, I did not have an example of her withdrawal into logic and reason. I was not aware of how her stress response was to go into “spreadsheet” mode and try to map out the “plan.” And as these two very different response and manage systems became engaged over and over again, perhaps that’s when and how we began to drift apart. We drifted towards our own individual comfort systems, and were saddened and hurt by the other partner’s inability to bridge the gap for us. And as things escalated we became even more locked into our patterns. I wanted a hug, she wanted the numbers.
In terms of sexual compatibility, however, the ex-y and I did share a great love of the sensual. She did love oral sex. And as our patterns of lovemaking evolved, it was clear that she was primarily orgasmic via manual or oral stimulation. So we got into it. I had found a partner who was willing to indulge my curiosity and passion for giving her a “blowjob.” So much so that the concept of “she comes first” was a badge of honor with me. Or at least a known competency.
So now, in my evolved patterns and tastes, when I think of having sex, the idea always starts with me diving in head first and not surfacing until “timeout” was requested. THEN, we’d get to me. (grin)
I can now see how my need for closeness during stressful moments would trigger her need for logic.
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And I guess, I now understand, that my oral orientation is not universal. In fact, many of the women in the classes fell in the take it or leave it category. It was interesting how you could understand a bit more about the person’s makeup by knowing if they were “in to” or not “in to” oral sex.
One of the ways I learned to ask for sex from the ex-y was to suggest that I give her a blowjob. And I was perfectly happy giving her a big “O” and walking away. That rarely happened, but it was fine. I had sensuousness to last me days even without orgasming myself. Usually it worked better if I offered to give her a massage. But I tried and refined my “ask” many times over, in an attempt to solve the question of why she was beginning to close me out. And the blowjob was one of our codes. But it often referred to me going down on her.
Looking back on everything, I can now see how my need for closeness during stressful moments would trigger her need for logic. My desire to solve things by hugging and kissing and napping, was contraindicated in her brain. Her ask for money planning meetings, and mapping out summer schedules was a huge buzz kill for me. I would do it. And perhaps now I am understanding that she would “do it” for me in the same way. Hmmm.
I am not suggesting that my ex-y in some way didn’t enjoy sex, or that she wasn’t sensual. But her availability factor was about a 10% of mine. And her passion level, when things got difficult, went into negative numbers pretty quickly. And that’s a shame, because things are going to get difficult. Situations and life events are going to happen. Disagreements are going to be a part of living and evolving with someone. That’s exactly how we evolve.
If that person doesn’t do well with accepting or joining in closeness, even when things are difficult, then I am going to be feeling left out in the cold. It’s not abandonment as much as longing to JOIN around an activity or event.
GF 1 had a great phrase that embodied the idea. It was about experiencing something so great or fun that you wanted to go home and “have sex” about it. As if you could lock-in the great experience by joining together in love making.
So maybe the nap is also a form of sensual ecstasy. Or maybe to my ex-y it was a sign of laziness. Often she would need to get sick, before letting herself drop back into relax and take it easy mode. And she often resented my self-care needs of taking a nap on Saturday AND Sunday if I could arrange it. And it wasn’t like I was trying to nap in spite of her. I would try and arrange things so that we could nap together. Who knows, maybe we’d make love, maybe I’d give her a blowjob. Who knows?
She didn’t get more available for play or ecstasy. There was always something else. There was always the next thing.
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But she was often too wrapped up in getting everything into a certain order that would make her feel safe. It was often money, or house cleaning, or catching up on her work, that would prevent her from allowing me to give her a blowjob or a massage. And how many times we missed those opportunities are uncountable. Maybe I would have been better served, or she would have been better encountered, if I had demanded more naps with her. At some point, after ask number 75, you begin to get fatigued. And I suppose she might have had the same feeling about filling in the projections or modeling our financial future. If I had only participated more.
But my question is this. If I had only participated more in getting the chores done, or making sure there was enough money in the bank accounts, then what? Would she have opened up and become more receptive to sensual advances? Would she have accepted more offers to nap together and receive a blowjob or two?
I tried that. I worked hard to jump into action and pickup the house, get the kids off to friend’s houses, get the dishes clean, be a good earner so we wouldn’t have to worry about money. I did the dutiful husband role and I went through a two-year period where I stepped it up a notch. But it didn’t work. She didn’t get more available for play or ecstasy. There was always something else. There was always the next thing.
And I found myself giving myself blowjobs more often than giving them to her. (frown) And MAYBE I could have been more demanding there too. Maybe I should’ve made sexual connection more of an issue in couples therapy, rather than letting most of our discussions and negotiations focus on some crisis that always seemed to be at the top of her list.
I don’t think I could’ve changed her, with any of my activities or requests, into being a more happy and whimsical human being. I don’t think that my asking for naps, or blowjobs, or sensuous connection could have gotten more creative and flexible. And no matter how hard I tried, and how many spreadsheets I participated in filling out. No matter how much money was in the back to make US feel secure. She did not willingly relax and let herself go, without a huge effort on both our parts.
I won’t be travelling that path again: trying to change a non-touch love language person, into a touch-oriented person. It does not work. It cannot work. The behaviors can change, but the wiring remains the same.
And there were things in the early stages of dating my ex-y, that I might have seen, had we even had the “love languages” model at that time. But I was head over heels in love with the body and beauty that brought me so much pleasure in those early days, before the stress of being a family, with kids and bills and insurance requirements. Before we experienced stress together things were rather dreamy.
Under stress, however, she became a different person. Maybe I did too. But our two corners of comfort were on different sides of the planet. I wanted holding, she wanted numbers.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
the story continues…
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That’s life. It doesn’t work out and you learn. You learn what to look for in a partner…
Umm.. marry me! I love to be physical and cuddle.. it’s the best and inspires me. Sorry you were mismatched. It’s happened to me a lot, too :(. Cuddlers should ALWAYS be with cuddlers 🙂
Cuddle lady. Funny. I won’t stray far from my “touch” love language again, now that I know about it.
‘Again, I’m out on an untested limb here, but I’m assuming a person is either “into” oral sex or they are not. Ideas like learning, or inexperienced, by the time one has passed out of their twenties… Well, I’m willing to bet, if the fascination isn’t there, the desire isn’t there either.’ You’d lose that bet. In my twenties, I could take it or leave oral sex. Was not a frequently ordered item on the intimacy menu with my then-partner, who I was with for 20 years. Twenty years later, divorced and with a new partner, fascination and desire are… Read more »
Certainly sexua preferences change over time and depending on who you are with, maybe even what you’ve been doing or what you’ve had to eat or drink. And as love making matures so to does our sexual appetites. I know, for me, that after making love (happily when I could get it) to the same woman over the course of 12 years, was a wonderful experience. You get to know things. And if you’re into it, you are adventurous and want to *try* things.
I see shades of my own marriage in this – I am a non-Touch person married to a Touch person. (I need to take the Love Languages assessment again as it’s been a few years and I’ve changed quite a bit, but I think I scored highest on Quality Time.) I can remember past instances of being utterly bewildered when my husband has offered physical connection, sexual or otherwise, in a moment of tension or stress (because yes, I was retreating into logic!). While I can better understand and accept that now, some things like the idea of “makeup sex”… Read more »
KKZ, thanks for your honest sharing. I’m confused by one of your statements, that you believe the misconception that “a man’s need for sex is 99% physical and 1% emotional?” Are you saying you agree with this assessment. I guess from a non-touchie, this might make sense, but it DOES NOT ring true for me, as a touchie, at all. And your example of the back rub, was actually some of the most satisfying touch I ever received from my wife. I loved giving and receiving. And with sex NOT being the objective, perhaps she was able to lighten up… Read more »
I meant to refer to what some of the other commenters brought up – what Touch-lover said above, “Often women fail to understand that men are not always looking for just the physical act of sex, especially when men are in relationships. This can be in part to the fact that outside of relationships, the need for emotional connection is not as associated with sexual desire for men, as it is for women. ” This and the rest of Touch-Lover’s comment ring true for me, in that that is the message I received about male sexuality and it’s taken a… Read more »
Very glad you are both consciously working on it. That’s the win. If you have different love languages, you can stretch to meet the other person. That’s the goal. Even as he can stretch to get his touch needs met… oh wait. To do without some of his touch needs. OR, perhaps, be very clear, this is a hug, this is a backrub, where it goes from there is up to BOTH of you and not prewired for sex. At least that’s how we did it. I’m curious about your statement, “physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are sort of boxed… Read more »
Really interesting read. I like how you use the term blowjob. Kind of makes me reconsider a lot of things.
Hey Oscar. Sometimes a blowjob is just a blow job. I was as willing to give her one and be done as I was to the idea of mutual blowjobs. And sometimes a blowjob is a gateway to something else.
Well I am definitely the kind of girl who loves loves loves giving AND receiving oral sex. But I do have to say, for some reason, I have it ingrained into my head that men want sex (the main event) and they want it now, so then oral sex, unfortunately, is skipped quite a bit. Sad day 🙁
Dang! That is a sad thing. I hope it’s not a trend. We need to talk about it more, don’t you think. I mean, if you love it, do it.
I am almost certain that during these times you were not communicating your feelings as well as you are in this post-reflection, am I right? That’s not to say that you didn’t want to, but perhaps you were not as aware of your own feelings or what was going on as you inevitably are as you look back on it in its entirety. Often the support and emotional connection of sexual intimacy is not communicated to women as much as as simply the sexual desire is. You may have expressed your desire to connect physically, but were you able to… Read more »
An interesting perspective. I agree than men have been stereotyped as sex-only is the form of physical connection we desire. But I was very vocal about my own emotional needs and how many of them were not sexual at all. The primary thing I have learned since the divorce, and I learned it as I was trying to decode the lack of sexual desire in my partner was the concept of Love Languages. She was a “do something for me” and I was a “touch me.” I think we can stretch across the different languages, but it’s a compromise. And… Read more »
You’ve articulated very well one of the reasons polyamory makes a lot of sense to me. It’s ALMOST inevitable that there are just a bunch of critical areas upon which any given two humans are going to be well matched. What to do about the disparities and inevitable disappointments? Do we just suck it up (no pun intended) and resign ourselves to a lifetime of not getting what we REALLY need and want in order for life to feel juicy? That possibility makes me think of the phrase, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation”. It also makes me think… Read more »
Well, Paul, the sex was a symptom of the intimacy that was falling apart between us. I was perfectly happy with her, however, she lost interest at some point along the path. Or she was so frustrated by something else, in her life, her perspective of the marriage, that she was unable or unwilling to join with me in that way. She tucked her tail and never brought it back out. I’m not about to drop a bundle on a wedding anytime soon, are you? (grin)
Thanks for your comment.
Hi anonymous off parent
✺”BIG REVEAL: Oral sex is not for everyone. Many people (both men and women) can “take it or leave it.”
I was stunned by this revelation”✺
It is true.
My own oral fixation aside, of course. (grin)
That was typically a surprise to me also many years ago…….I date one girl who loved…I mean loved….. giving but didn’t like to receive…..and that ended up being the relationships death knell, as I Felt so bad not being able to reciprocate….. Years later after we’d been close friends for years she explained that my verbal and listening abilities were what made the relationship for her…….She need to talk and rarely could find anyone that could keep up her as I did. The key for her libido was a great conversation, intellectual give and take, intellectual connection. Sadly I needed… Read more »
But it IS highly ironic, isn’t it?
I mean, we are constantly bombarded with the message that we (men) don’t give the time, interest, attention and what-not to women during love-making for them to actually enjoy and take pleasure in it.
Then for those of us who try to, it seems that not few of us discover that is not actually what they want either?
Sex is the final frontier. The mystery. Differences in need, desire, and hard-wiring lead us to difficulties in communication. Ironic? Maybe more tragic. Time to talk more about it. I tried, but didn’t make it through the negotiations.
Time to talk more about it. Yes. I have tried too. But I think that as long as we perceive our partner/opponent as just having a single-minded goal of “more sex”, and not closeness, communication, understanding, it will be nigh on impossible to actually open up to this conversation. I am too very familiar with the concept of there always being “something more”, something else that for the moment is more important than the state of the relationship. I sometimes had the feeling of my then-girlfriend being in a kind of “reverse addict-denial” state. like “I don’t have a problem… Read more »