Who Are You in Your Relationships? A Master or a Victim?

A master loves, a victim blames. Are you acting out of fear or out of love?

“The real mission you have in life is to make yourself happy, and in order to be happy, you have to look at what you believe, the way you judge yourself, the way you victimize yourself”

― Don Miguel Ruiz

In a world full of self-criticism and competition, it’s quite difficult to stop and untie our mind from all we have learned so far, in order to have a close look at ourselves from a third-person-perspective. When we are in a relationship, be it a romantic one or a relationship to any possible person, we often lose ourselves.  Out of our own insecurities and low self-worth it’s easy to become a victim (of our own) and to destroy a, once amazing and respectful, relationship.

Jealousy comes from a place of fear, that our lover will leave us. It comes from a place of fear, that our lover doesn’t appreciate, love, admire, respect us enough. We feel insufficient.

Often, we stand in our own way to happiness and a relationship full of love and passion. We set boundaries. We make excuses. We procrastinate. We put up with average. We aren’t aware of ourselves and we can’t see clear where our miserable moods, habits or relationships are coming from. We look for external factors to find the reasons for our discontent. But the truth is: it’s all us. Everything, what happens in our lives is a perfect mirror of ourselves. We create everything. We have a choice how to act and how to respond to actions of other people. It’s always up to us. But we don’t always take full responsibility for our own lives.  So how can we know if we are masters or victims?

There are only two options in our universe: being a master (love) or being a victim (fear). Highly doubtful, that there is one person in this world, who would like to call her-/himself a victim. Still, as harsh as it may sound, most of us are victims. By giving our own responsibility away to other people, we consciously deny to be masters. If we want to become masters, we have to be utterly aware of ourselves and of where our words, feelings or actions are coming from. So if we are in a relationship and experience different feelings, we can ask a simple question to identify the source of those feelings.

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Are they coming from a place of fear or from a place of love?

An easy example of fear in a romantic relationship is jealousy. Everybody knows how it feels to be crazy in love and for that certainly knows how jealousy feels. When we feel jealousy, we vibrate quite low. If we observe this feeling under a microscope, then we will see the following: low self-worth, insecurity, ego-driven behaviors, insufficiency, clinging, oppressing the full personal and physical freedom of our lover. We also put ourselves in a secondary position, we are very scared and feel small. Jealousy comes from a place of fear, that our lover, will leave us. It comes from a place of fear, that our lover doesn’t appreciate, love, admire, respect us enough. We feel insufficient.

That is the reason why our relationships suffer. We learned to be competitive, jealous, unhelpful, angry, resentful.

An easy example for love in any relationship is…well…unconditional love: If we love unconditionally, we let other people shine. We let them be their most impressive, inspiring, shining, happy, contended version of themselves. We also let them be sad, depressed or angry. We don’t force or manipulate them into something, we think, they should represent. They have the full freedom to decide how to feel or to behave. We take them as they are. We love all their being. All their energies. We love their soul. No single “bad” character trait or behavior can fool us, because we see their soul. We love them as they are.

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A master loves, a victim blames.

Somebody who loves, is more unlikely to vibrate on the levels of jealousy, hatred, on the level of blaming others or holding grudges. Those feelings come from fears. If such feelings arise, it’s easy to identify them, because they feel unpleasant and uncomfortable. Our mind and body suffers, our hands become sweaty, our mood falls, we aren’t our best selves. That means those feelings come from fear. Fear of rejections, of not being seen or heard, of not being valued enough. Everybody experiences such feelings every now and then, but the mastery is to identify them as “victim-feelings”, accept them and let them go. Those feelings are not you a apriori.

Because a priori, we are love. Through the social pressures we forgot our loving and innocent nature. We forgot how to love, how to give love and how to receive love. That is the reason why our relationships suffer. We learned to be competitive, jealous, unhelpful, angry, resentful. We don’t believe to deserve love. We don’t love ourselves and are punished by a lack of love around us. We have to unlearn all of it in order to come back to out nature. We have to start to learn, what love is and how love feels. If we are good students in this study, fear will slowly fade away. That is the simple logic of the universe. Love or fear. It’s simple, but not so easy.

It’s important, for our own benefits, that we answer those questions honestly and sincerely.

It’s not easy, because while working on our own self-awareness, we have to look deep into ourselves and identify many unpleasant things. The deeper we go, the more misery we will find. Then we will have to admit this misery to ourselves. It’s the hardest part there is. When we admit the unpleasant things to ourselves, we will see clearly why our relationships are the way they are and how we impact them. We will see clear, that we are the ones to master them. Where there is space for self-awareness, there is no space for complaints or for blaming others. It’s us. We create everything in our lives. And we have the power to change it. There are no circumstances. There is our mastery to deal with our own lives and relationships.

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If everybody would be aware, of what he/she is saying/doing and would be aware of where the word/action is coming from (love/fear) – there would be no place for grief, spitefulness or misunderstanding. Because no matter what would happen – we master our own lives, our own reactions, our own responds, our own words. And every day we have the power to decide what will lead us, love or fear. Will we blame our partner for making us unhappy (fear) or will we thank our partner for making space in their lives for us (love)? Will we remind our beloved ones on their failures (fear) or will we encourage and praise them for who they de facto are today (love)? Will we stay in unhappy relationships, which make us unhappy (fear) or will we start to create and to build a relationship based on authenticity, respect, unconditional love and support (love)? Will we blame ourselves for the “mistakes” we made (fear) or will we hold our own hand, helping our own selves to stand up and move forward towards our own evolutional relationships (love)?

We can find an answer to every question by asking ourselves the following questions:

  • Am I acting / speaking from a place of love or fear?
  • Why did I create this situation / relationship in my life?
  • What lesson is there to learn for me, so I can improve my own life?

It’s important, for our own benefits, that we answer those questions honestly and sincerely. Being really true to ourselves is not so easy. We have to keep in mind, that we are accountable to none, but ourselves. We are the actors, we are the audience, we are the judges and the defendants.

Let’s show our mastry by practicing love. Let’s show our mastery, by being aware of what feels good for our mind and body. Let’s show our mastery, by accepting, that we aren’t perfect. Let’s show our mastery, by taking full responsibility for our relationships . Let’s show our mastery, by supporting each other on the way to the best version of ourselves. Let’s show our mastery, by rejecting words, which don’t serve our wellbeing. Let’s show our mastery, by rejecting thoughts, which don’t serve our well being. Let’s show our mastery, by standing comfortably in our energy. Love is a choice. Being a master is a choice.

This article was originally published on Think. Act. Grow.

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About Olga Chirkova

Olga Chirkova was born in St. Petersburg and moved to Germany when she was nine. She believes there is no journey which is more difficult, than the journey to your own true nature. It can be hard, painful, confusing, but it’s worth it. It is the most beautiful and honest journey there is. Come with her on the journey on her blog.

Comments

  1. Ladyitaly says:

    Does this way of thinking give permission to end unhealthy relationships? It seems that such enlightenment could be the precursor to an unhealthy, unchecked codependence. If we unconditionally love and accept, how do we create accountability and get our needs met in our relationships?

    • Well, I think it does. If I am in that way of thinking, I am sensitive for what is good for me (love) and what is bad(fear). If I am involved in an unhappy relationship, what choice do I have? I can end it or stay in it. But in the first step I have to establish and accept, that it’s unhappy either way. And then I can decide what I do with it. Will I keep on suffering, because I am scared or will I (even if it feels that I love the person) leave for my and this persons best?
      If I see a conflict with being in any kind of a relationship (be it myself/romantic/friendship) – and I don’t do anything about it, but STAY THERE being conflicted and unhappy, then I become a “victim” (mostly a victim of my own). My needs aren’t met in that case. That is why I question my relationships and try to reflect on questions like “Do I like myself in this relationship?”

      As long as I am in balance with the relationship I am in – I am a master. That’s a practice, which works well for me and limits a lot of pain.

      Much love <3
      Olga

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