Forget what you’ve heard, says Jeffrey Platts. Being strong does NOT mean being silent.
Guys, let go of the b.s. notion that you need to act tough and stoic all the time around your woman. Yes, overall, it’s good to be a strong, grounded man of purpose. But also factor into the mix that you need to be authentic and present in each moment.
You had a bad day at work and your boss calls you a “worthless piece of yak crap”? Two things: 1) find yourself a new job asap. 2) feel free to share that with your woman when you come home. Because either way, SHE WILL KNOW. In general, women are dynamos at picking up on people’s emotions and energy. For you to fake that everything is alright, that your day was “just fine” is shooting yourself in the foot. She will only sense that something’s not right, you’re not being genuine with her, and she’ll just get pissed off at you for not being real with her. She won’t feel safe with you and she won’t trust you. Not to mention she’ll just use her imagination to fill in the blanks. And you know how awesome a woman’s imagination can be. So now you’ll have a asshole boss and an annoyed woman. And it’s only 6:30 p.m. Fun times.
So what to do instead? How about just keepin’ it real? Stop hiding what’s going on for you. Bummed about your best friend moving to another city? Did your wife just say something that triggered you? Speak up! Women are intuitive creatures, but they’re NOT mind-readers. But the trick is to do this while keeping composure, not shrinking into an apologetic little boy nor puffing yourself up like a macho, aloof jerk. Just be present with what’s true for you in the moment and own it. It may be ugly, it may not be what you want to face. But do you want to live in Pleasantville, or do want an actual relationship between two people who have an authentic, solid, supportive, continually-expanding connection? How you choose to show up for your partner is going to demonstrate your choice.
Behind every communication problem is a sweaty ten-minute conversation you don’t want to have. However, the moment you work up the courage to have it, you collect an instant reward in relief as well as open up a flow of communication that will allow you to resolve the situation. —Gay Hendricks
The Flip Side: And at the same time, don’t be afraid to express appreciation for your woman. It’s not only about sharing the bumps in the road. For most women, vulnerability + strength = HOT. If you can connect with your heart before you share your appreciation, you will hit a grand slam. You get turned on every time she wears a ponytail to workout? Share it. You love the way her voice sounds when she reads to your kid before bedtime? Share it. You love the way she smiles at you when she’s doing a strip tease for you? SHARE IT. 
I can’t even count all the moments where my heart was genuinely busted WIDE open by the woman I was with and I was too freakin’ scared to share it. It’s as if I had a beautiful gift in my hand, walked up to her door, and just before she opened it, throwing it in the bushes. WTF is the point of that? I’m denying her the appreciation and I’m denying myself the love that I feel for her. Not to mention the regret I’ll feel afterwards.
Of course it’s hard to be appreciative of something if you’re not present to it. So here are 3 tips to get connected to what’s true for you:
- Meditate. Before you get all woo-woo’d out, hear me out. For me, meditation, at its simplest, is simply sitting still and being quiet. Shut the door, silence your phone, turn off the TV/stereo/computer screen. Just sit still with your eyes closed and take full, deep breaths into your belly. That’s it. Try it for just 5 minutes a day. Maybe even as a transition when you come home from work and continue your evening. You will start to create space between you and your thoughts, giving you more clarity and awareness on what the hell you’re actually feeling vs. what you “think” you feel.
- Pause for a moment before you speak. So many times, we’re letting our monkey mind run our mouth. And our monkey mind chatter is oftentimes just reacting to what’s around us or from our own programming, rather than responding from our higher self. When you’re connecting with someone, especially your woman, pause for a moment and see what’s true for you.
- Practice expressing appreciation throughout the day. Flex your appreciation muscle. Don’t hold it back for just your partner or kids or your parents. Practice sharing it to even complete strangers. The barista who gave you a bigger latte free of charge. The woman who has a great smile. But two things: it must be genuine and don’t attach to the outcome. They may be blown away by your generosity. Or they may not say anything at all. They may think you’re trying to scam them or, if they’re a woman, that you’re trying to pick them up. As long as you’re genuine and clean in your communication, how they receive it is their issue, not yours. Just keep on sharing.
P.S. The open heart, open mouth principle applies to women, too. I just believe that guys can use an extra reminder.
Photo—Man with tape over his mouth on Shutterstock
About Jeffrey Platts
wish the best of luck, for you and your almost parterPowered by Yahoo! AnswersNancy asks…how important is communication in a relationship when it comes to discusssing problems?…munication in a relationship when it comes to discusssing problems?ive been with my BF for almost 3 [...]
“2) feel free to share that with your woman when you come home.”
Who’s to say that a man isn’t coming home to another man? I like the general idea behind this article, but considering this is something directed at pretty much every guy out there…it’d be nice if it were more inclusive. The whole thing could have been written with a gender-neutral spouse, and then you wouldn’t have people like me commenting about heteronormativity.
“Not to mention she’ll just use her imagination to fill in the blanks. And you know how awesome a woman’s imagination can be.”
This bit here is a little gender essentialist. Not terribly so…but it seems to imply that a woman’s imagination is somehow more active than a man’s or something. Actually, the few lines before the one I quotes are a bit problematic too. I’ve also heard that women pick up on emotions better than men, but isn’t it possible that is because men are taught to ignore their emotions? If we have a culture in which women are more encouraged to express their emotions and are theoretically more comfortable with emotions, it makes sense they’d be better able to recognize them.
Which, I’m not even sure whether it’s accurate to say that women are better at picking up emotions.
Heather: Thanks for your your comments. It can sometimes be tough to write in a voice that is both inclusive and also detailed enough so the impact is not diluted. I agree, the notion of speaking up more is and speaking from the heart something all genders and orientations can benefit more from. And yes, imagination is accessible to everyone.
As for the ability to pick up emotions better, whether it’s nature or nurture perhaps is debatable, but in my experience, men (heterosexual, if you want to be specific about my experience) are much less able to tune into and express their emotions. Though I do know women who have difficulty, too. One of my main focuses is on helping both men and women express that better, matter who they are attracted to and no matter whether their emotional expression is learned or it’s biological.
Again, thanks for sharing your perspective.
“It can sometimes be tough to write in a voice that is both inclusive and also detailed enough so the impact is not diluted.”
That’s understandable. I suppose a second P.S. or something could have also solved that problem, but still allowed you to have a detailed article.
Anyway, details aside, I really did like your article.
solution to all of this, stay single.
no expectations, no risk of offense.
“Forget what you’ve heard, says Jeffrey Platts. Being strong does NOT mean being silent.”
This is spot on. Look at (what I would consider to be a fairly standard/stereotypical example of masculine behavior) the show restaurant impossible.
If you critically analyze Chef Robert Irvine’s behavior, he’s actually kind of a b1tching, hyperbolic primadonna.
The simple fact is that it is slowly becoming okay for men to vent feelings other than anger and lust–which is a good thing.
My experience is they love the positive and not so much the negative. One of my biggest “your just a complainer” tirades from the wife came after I got authentic with her about my life. I believe there was also an article on TGMP about dumping on your significant other instead of finding some friends to do that with. So what’s the fine line between dumping and being real? Between being a strong, grounded man of purpose and a wimp? hmmmmm…….
Yeah, this doesn’t at all jibe with my experiences either. This is the sort of thing women *say* they want, but let’s be honest here – none of us is the person we’d like to think we are. Most of us wouldn’t really make the kind of choices we’d like to think we’d make, and most of us don’t really want what we think we want.
In my experience, showing any kind of weakness to a woman is a mistake. Too many of them have built up this notion of what a ‘perfect’ man is in their head, and that doesn’t include complaining. It doesn’t include real problems at all. It’s a silly little fantasy – just like the silly little fantasies so many men walk around with – and they just don’t want to let it go. They want you to open up to them, but the moment they really get that their man is the same walking mass of insecurities that everyone else is, they turn on you. Not all, but too many. Maturity is as rare a thing with women as it is with men.
You can’t be angry at every woman because some woman hurt you just for opening up. Stop with the negative, anti female generalizations. I don’t know where you are finding your women. but it’s not fair to lump all women into the same pile.
Would you be saying the same thing, Bear Clawz, if it were a woman making negative, anti-male remarks?
My, my, my, you are sensitive. A man defending another grown man. He can defend himself, I think. That’s not becoming. We are supposed to be the loving leaders in our relationships. We must remember to respect our women just as much as we want respect. You wouldn’t want another man to disrepect your mother, daughter, sister, grandmother. Why do we as men think that we must play games with women? Running around and cheating and saying our woman is not enough because our d___ needs different p______. This is why women have started to become wiser and aware of our game. They know we don’t like to commit and settle for one woman and will use them as long as the s__ satisfies our two second desires. We can’t keep treating women wrong and then expect for them not to figure out how to defend themselves. My wife and her sisters talk about how their girlfriends have been hurt by men who can’t love and respect one woman. Females get together and discuss this all the time. Men act crude and cruel. That makes us look like savages. We can open up to our women and be sensitive. I have a woman who I’ve been with for 27 years and she has not taken advantage of me yet. I am satisfied in every respect. Where are you finding your women??
Actually Bear Clawz,
We support community members discussing and supporting each other and moderate heavily when threads get contentious.
You didn’t answer my question, Bear Clawz. I will ask again:
Would you say the same thing if it were a woman making anti-male remarks?
Either answer the question or continue to dance around it. In which case, if you continue to dance around it, then I’m just going to pass you off as another “Men’s feelings and struggles shouldn’t be validated” person.
Yes, I am very sensitive. Sensitive to the needs of MEN as well as women.
@Bear Claws you talk in the end of your comment about how women talk about relationship stuff all the time, and about how men are just rude and cruel etc. But you start your post with “My, my, my, you are sensitive. A man defending another grown man. He can defend himself, I think. ” do you realize how insulting, rude, and shaming that sentence is? I think it’s sad that you as a man have such shame about yourself and your gender. Finally you close your comment with “I have a woman who I’ve been with for 27 years and she has not taken advantage of me yet. I am satisfied in every respect. Where are you finding your women??” If you don’t think that’s rude then I don’t know what planet your living on, and speaks to my point below, I’m glad you are in a good relationship, but don’t shame those who either are not in a relationship or are having difficulty finding a good relationship. Being a man is more than just having a good relationship, those men who cannot find a good relationship and want one deserve our support, those men who don’t want a relationship deserve our respect and those men like yourself, and myself who are in good relationships are no different/better than men who are not/cannot find/have a good relationship!
Thanks Jeffrey. Love what you wrote. An open heart is so very important
I would like to believe Mr. Platts’ cheerful recommendation that men should open up to the women in their lives. I think he’s spot on regarding appreciating, and expressing that appreciation, of the positive aspects of your significant other. They love it, and it’s a good habit to get into, both for her and you. Focusing on appreciation and gratitude for the good in one’s life is very healthy, very efficacious.
Showing your vulnerablity to your gf/spouse? Anecdotally, that hasn’t been a good thing, for me and several of my closest male friends. I really believe that when women say that want a man who is strong and vulnerable/open with his feelings, they are sincere. Again, anecdotally, when men do open up that side of themselves, it hasn’t gone very well. Rejection, shaming, etc.
Maybe the idea of a strong/vulnerable man one of those things that sounds good on paper (or in a book or movie screen).
(Among same sex couples, is this dynamic any different?)
Believe it or not, I want to be wrong about this. I’m hoping that the experiences I’ve noted above are from too small a sample group to be valid. I’m presently entering into a new relationship with a wonderful woman, so I’m putting my money where my mouth is. We’ll see how the issues of vulnerablity and intimacy play out. I’m hoping for the best.
I don’t mean to be harsh about this, but seriously if a woman shames you then you need to move on. We live in a society in which woman are expected to hold men to extremely high standards, good looks, money, job etc. But men are criticized as uncaring, unconcerned a**holes if they even contemplate holding a woman to similar standards. Furthermore most women won’t date a man who has standards for how they act, behave, or treat him. The only way that can be fixed is if men learn to move on when a woman starts to behave in ways which are rude, insulting, or belittling.
COMMENT:
This kind of article annoys me so much. Firstly it doesn’t even begin to address peoples greater relationship issues and instead offers a quick “feel good” suggestion for men to follow. Firstly the reason why many men don’t communicate is simple, many men, and I would consider myself as having been and to some degree still being one is that in every argument most men feel that if they say the wrong thing their girlfriend will punish them in some way, either by refusing sex, or by out and out breaking up with them. From the average male perspective you put a lot of work into getting a woman, sometimes fighting for her with other guys, usually not physically, lol, but sadly for some probably sometimes in physical ways. Once you finally have a girlfriend you pretty much do whatever you have to to keep her.
This is the fundamental problem not opening up has nothing to do with common relationship problems. In fact, “opening up” is just a weird form of additional supplication. And advice to do that just makes me wonder, why is it always the man’s fault if a relationship doesn’t work out? Men need to start having standards and the only way men can do that is if they get over the idea that they need a woman in their lives to be happy. Our culture tells men that if they don’t have a girlfriend they are in someway a looser, or a failure. This puts a tremendous amount of stress on men to keep a relationship going, and robs them of the ability to expect any behavior from the woman they are with, because she can at any point leave, and her friends will support her. But if he leaves, he will be looked at as a failure. This gives women almost complete control of many relationships and until men decided that they will only date women if the women is a benefit to his life then women will continue making the lives of many men miserable. Until the authors of these posts get that that state will not change.
Full disclosure I happen to be in a good relationship at the moment. But I also have to say that I openly hold my girlfriend to a very high standard and if there is something between us that cannot be negotiated or worked out then I am prepared to move on, as sad as that would be, why? Because without the power to move on from a relationship one partner will get everything they want while the needs of the other won’t even be heard.
RUBBISH!
This is really asking for a man to be Mr. Nice + Mr. Sensitive = TURNOFF TO WOMEN.
Most men with even one quarter of a brain know this is a failed approach to dealing with women.
The fundamental issue confounding men today in America is we have allowed our manhood to be eviscerated. We need to stop listening to these guys like Jeff Platts, Ken Solin and others.
Btw, has anyone seen any articles exhorting women to change their fundamental nature?
@Terence: Thanks for your comments. I 100% agree. The world does NOT need more Mr. Nice Guys or more “sensitive, new age wimps”. If that was what I was proclaiming, then yes, my article would be rubbish. What the world DOES NEED is more men who are grounded in who they are, strong in their own values and willing to be integrating their head, balls AND heart.
When I say that men should express appreciation more to women, I mean to do that from grounded place, not in a way that puts women on a pedestal or kisses their ass. That never works. I have found tremendous positive impact when I share with a woman that I notice or appreciate something specific to her.
As for sharing feelings, I agree that expressing “negative” emotions such as sadness, anger, insecurity from a place of weakness or “I am a loser” mindset does not work. The key is to be grounded in your strength and presence and simply sharing what’s true for you in the moment. The strong silent James Bond type might create attraction in a woman temporarily, but it can’t sustain a relationship that works. Dudes need to talk.
In no way is any man or woman a lesser person just because they are single. A worth of any human is irrelevant to their relationship status. And yes, many men can become too dependent on their woman as their sole source of support, companionship, feedback, love, etc. So much so that it creates a co-dependence and “I can’t live without her” b.s. story that creates their reality. If you’re spending all your energy and thoughts on keeping your girlfriend/wife/partner, then you’re wasting your life. You need to be willing to walk away if you’re needs aren’t being met.
That is why I think all men could benefit from being part of a community of conscious, growth-oriented badass men who are committed to supporting and being supporting other men in leading lives that inspire and fulfill them.
And in no way do I support the idea that if a relationship ends that it’s solely the man’s fault. That is b.s., too. Both partners are responsible for the relationship dynamics.
Two great resources on these concepts are the books Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S. by Wayne Levine http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400/ref=tmm_pap_title_0 and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=tmm_hrd_title_0
Thanks again, guys, for sharing your thoughts. Great discussion here.
- Jeffrey
Men are too often silent on the things that affect them. Its really important that you are not fearful of what others think and speak your mind freely!
Until you can control what happens in your life, you will be pushed around to other people’s agendas. Speak up!
Nigel
http://www.whossingle.net
http://www.partneredup.com