We expect every man to graduate high school with a PhD in courtship. The reality is that some guys need to be coached.
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There is something about the words “dating coach” that disturbs many men. Whereas women gobble up tons of pounds of self-help literature, men prefer to take stabs in the darkness when it comes to dating advice, and go at it alone. Most are convinced they do not need help even if they have been single and trying for decades with not much to show for it. What is it about the suggestion of dating coaching—or just dating help—that sets men running?
Unfortunately, the answers are hidden very deep below the surface, in a traditional society in which we live.
As progressive as we may consider ourselves in 2016, when it comes to roles of men and women, as much as the world has changed, that’s how much it has stayed the same.
Men are hunters and women are gatherers. It is expected of men to go out and drag a damsel by the hair into his cave, where she will submit to him and will be his loyal companion forever and ever.
It is assumed that all men know just what to do and how to do it instinctively—because they’re men!
Take a look at the self-help books on love and dating for women–there are thousands of them on the market. I compiled lists of them for my female clients organized by category, age, and need. When it comes to dating-help books for men, on the other hand, there is only one category and it is very short.
There are less than a hundred books that I could recommend that help men enter the dating world and become attractive to women.
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Our society continuously frowns upon men who are not in touch with their feminine side. Yet, even men who got over that hurdle, the ones that are sensitive, great all-around guys, may need help when it comes to dating. Do we cut them slack for the second because they succeeded in the first? Not at all. How many of these men are willing to sit across the room from a friend, or a therapist, and not be afraid to admit they need help dating?
There is still a stigma attached to men who are not “pros” at dating. We expect every man to graduate high school with a PhD in courtship. When they fail, we, as a society, shrug our shoulders and secretly wonder what’s wrong with them. What went wrong in their upbringing that they are not successful in dating like the rest of us? We drill that thinking into men’s heads so effectively, many of them are even afraid to be seen reading a book about dating, never mind discussing it with somebody.
There is an expectation of men, especially successful men, that when they achieve a certain standing and status in society, the least they should be able to do is attract a woman. Why? What is it about performing heart surgery, running a corporation, and meeting a woman that we find similar? If someone is a great pianist, we don’t expect him to also be a great chef, do we? But a successful man? Of course he should be able to meet women, by virtue of his success.
Sadly, most men believe in the myth. Of those men, two categories are most common.
Type 1:
Believes that women should be flocking to him for the sole reason of his success. When they don’t, these men assume something is wrong with the women. They continue to be quite baffled at the amount of women in this world that just don’t get it.
Type 2:
Believes in the “Almighty Man” myth, but is not sure why it doesn’t apply to him. He thinks something is severely wrong with him, but as a successful businessman, he cannot share this revelation with anyone. So he shuts himself behind the doors of his house or office, using the excuse that he is too busy or too tired at the end of the night to meet anyone.
Another humiliation that men perceive is in the words “coach” and “coaching.”
They both imply need for help. Coaching suggests that you have not perfected a particular skill and need further training. Coach infers someone is better than you at this skill. In a competitive world of Alpha Males, how can one justify reaching out for help? That would require admitting that there is something you have not excelled in. That admission is unthinkable for many men.
So what happens as a result? These men go through years and years of loneliness and frustration. They blame everything and everybody but themselves for their failed love life. Unfortunately, no one can convince them to see the help of a dating coach but they, themselves.
What is my solution to help these men?
Perhaps we can get them to seek professional services by removing the stigma of being coached. From now on, a “dating coach” can be a “dating optimizer.” A “relationship coach” can be come a “love adjuster.” I, for one, will volunteer to take the first leap into the new label. I can tolerate this “rebranding.” I will put out a call to my fellow coaches, to become optimizers to help many men who are truly in need.
Don’t be afraid of the dating coach. Schedule your consultation today!
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This essay originally appeared on NYSocials and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
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Marina is a renown Dating Coach and Matchmaker based in NYC. Through her proven dating techniques and methods she has helped many amazing singles create the opportunity for a perfect relationship. If your love life is stuck in a rut, if you seem to be attracting the wrong people–or no people at all–contact Marina at info@nysocials and be on your way to your happily-ever-after.
Read Marina Margulis every week here on The Good Men Project!
Dating coach is a relatively unfamiliar term in the world of dating, that’s why men react to it as a taboo, they think that they are themselves mature enough to handle all the relationship issues, so why hiring a dating coach and increase the clutter unnecessarily, but they are mistaken. Dating coach is the one that can resolve all their dating issues with ease. So, boys there is no need to afraid of dating coach anymore, because they can be of great use such as: https://yourdatingteacher.wordpress.com/2016/06/17/dating-coach-a-sure-short-way-to-transform-dating-life/
@ DJ
“deal with the full circle of “changing masculinity”, ”
Good point although I’m unsure if you intended it that way. Why wouldn’t men rejecting the aggressor role not be considered part of “changing masculinity”. It’s as if there are some who don’t wish to see all aspects of traditional masculinity examined and changed.
Exactly as I meant it, John. Just as you described. Unless he’s dreadfully in the wrong, no man has any right to tell another how to be. We don’t just guide and expect changes that work for everyone else. Everything goes on the table, especially those aspects that men themselves want changed. We are currently teaching all this sensitivity and emotion stuff, but while we do that, we are forgetting to teach those tools necessary to succeed in life, and our boys are falling behind across the board because of it. We are teaching them tolerance, how avoid being sexist,… Read more »
“No such thing as bad student, Daniel san, only bad teacher –Mr. Miyagi. For purposes of better understanding men, I can, reluctantly, offer some insight into what I continually hear from them. It may sting a bit, but it is what I’m hearing. Did we ever watch the movie, “Back to the future”, where Mary says, “Don’t ever call me chicken?”. Asking why men are “afraid”, rather than understand men, their needs, what they are attuned to today is the worst of all ways to reach them. It will put them right into the defensive stance, and it demonstrates a… Read more »
That should read “dating coaches”, not relationship coaches. The two are different. As my dad, the police officer, used to say, “if it were not for half the cops the other half would be out of business”.
Never finished this. That above being said, there is also the understanding that relationship coaches are just doing their job within the provided parameters, not trying to change the world. We’d like them to, but that’s on us, in places like this, with articles and comments. The resentment is partially ego, but it is also a sign of the times. It is not unlike one calling women, girls back int he 70s and 80s. Rue the day, dude. It was a time when women were being treated like girls, like chattel. The term was offensive and derogatory to them; patronizing.… Read more »
DJ Tell us why you agree with Dr Helen Smith that MGTOW is the smartest of the smart. I am a woman, a bit older than you. I married young and got divorced young and my life after divorce can be described as life the same way MGTOW ,and frankly I regret it. I do not have a family , no children , no grandchildren. How can any sane person describe that choice of lifestyle as the smartest of the smart? I do understand it is not comparable but I can not see how men that choose to never start… Read more »
Important to clarify that I did not say, winners, I said smart. It is not the intimacy, not the family, not even women that is the reason. Those very men, many of them DO wish for that. The problem is that they see the risk, or the risk v reward not being there. They are looking, or going where no man has gone before (if I may use that saying). It is all about the injustice of society that they’ve become aware of. They’ve seen how disposable men and fathers are, how one can simply be thrown out with the… Read more »
DJ First you tell us what is Dr Helen Smith opinion and it makes me think you see her analyse of the situation as good one. When I challenge that you tell me about young men with TOYS ,that do not want to get married….and so on as if MGTOW is mainly a movement against marriage law ( family law in U.S.) But I have visited MGTOW websites many times,and also read what men talk about in their forums. Do not tell me their main target is marriage as such. The attitude these men have to women in general tells… Read more »
Thank you, DJ
Outstanding, as usual! 🙂
Why are men afraid of dating coaches?
1. First of all, you’ve got your assumptions totally backwards. The kind of successful businessmen you’re advertising to here rarely have these kinds of problem.
2. Because the men who really need advice to attract women, are already doing what 99% of the run-of-the-mill dating coaches will tell him to do, and it isn’t working for him.
Um, was this an article or a commercial? Why do you focus on “successful” men? Is it because they are more likely to hire your services? Honestly, I think that there seem to be a staggering array of websites devoted to “game” or picking up women. Yes, men are less likely to discuss dating difficulties with their male friends than women with their female friends. This is because dating-troubled women are essentially being what society wants them to be: chaste. While, this is the opposite for men. I think dating has never been harder for men. Certain men. Non-hot men.… Read more »
Why are men afraid of a dating coach? It’s an admission that they need help.
This whole article is nothing but a bunch of blanket assumptions about men that are based entirely on stereotypes. And once again as it seems to be is all the mans fault. Their is a reason some guys around my age (25) don’t date and its that we see no reason to. The dating system is messed up beyond comprehension and the marriage system even more so. They guy is expected to bend over backwards to please his partner with no right to expect reciprocation. In the event of a failed relationship its always his fault and she is 100%… Read more »
You articulate what I hear from the vast and glaring number of men out there, almost verbatim, Dan. Problem is that I’m the only one listening. Everyone else is too busy talking “at” them, deciding where they should go and how they need to get there…and its only going to get worse until, as Roger implied, the bottom falls out and the wheels come off and all the “do-gooders” are standing there like deer in the headlights having no idea what they’ve just done. They try here, they really do. Best I’ve yet to see, but healers cannot fight a… Read more »