Most men don’t dare say so, but a random high five, pat on the back, or Attaboy just isn’t enough.
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Very few people, regardless of gender, do their best work when the only reward is a paycheck. I’d hazard a guess that NO ONE does their best work under those circumstances, but even though I’ve never seen an example of it in over 30 years of business management, I’ll concede that it might happen.
Yet, managers seem to think that their female employees just naturally need the “extra strokes” and “positive feedback,” but men, if they ask for fair credit or honest appreciation, are “just whining.”
For a business to become resilient, robust, or whatever your preferred buzzword is for “able to roll with the punches, bounce back from the beatings, and turn in a profit in any economy,” that business must attract, reward, and appreciate the best people in every position at every level.
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I’ve formed a personal theory that men in business leadership are caught in a never-ending, no win cycle; they reached their position by stoically doing their job without more than the random high five, pat on the back, or “Attaboy,” and, although that was frustrating, even maddening, they now equate their ability to endure and succeed without meaningful appreciation with “what a man’s got to do to get ahead.”
For every story I could tell of a man who “toughed it out” and “just did his job” I can tell you three of more of men who left because they got fed up with being expected to stay fired up in a job where management scoffed if they asked for recognition. And I could come up with another three or more of men who stayed, but were just going through the motions, doing what they had to do to keep from losing the job they’d learned to hate.
Of course, lack of respect or meaningful appreciation isn’t strictly a “guy thing.” I’ve seen these tactics used with female employees too, but most of the women I’ve observed don’t buy into the “you’re just whining” guilt trip. And I’ve observed many female leaders who came up the ladder in a male-dominated work culture, who have the same attitude. To them, asking for thanks, praise, recognition, or appreciation is a weakness — if you aren’t being praised it’s because you aren’t working hard enough. Stop whining and try harder. But the shaming of anyone “needy” enough to ask for positive reinforcement seems to be most prevalent between men.
Of course, in its worst manifestation this shaming is used to keep men from asking for a promotion, or a raise. It’s used to intimidate and demean so that men are afraid of asking for anything, and ashamed of being afraid. But even when it isn’t used as manipulation, it’s still demotivating and devaluating. And the resulting shame and frustration spills over to affect every aspect of a man’s life.
So what does it take to give “meaningful appreciation?” It takes connection, even intimacy. And maybe that’s why men are uncomfortable giving or asking for it. Because for decades we have shamed men for needing emotional connectivity at the same time we’ve criticized them for not being able to give it. So they feel safe with the random high five, pat on the back, or “Attaboy,” but cringe at the idea of looking another man in the eye, maybe even touching his shoulder, and telling him sincerely and in detail how much his work, his loyalty, and his dependability are appreciated.
I get it, but we have to change it. Because business is too fragile to put it in the hands of people who are frustrated, who are playing the stoic, who are just “doing what a man’s got to do to get ahead.” For a business to become resilient, robust, or whatever your preferred buzzword is for “able to roll with the punches, bounce back from the beatings, and turn in a profit in any economy,” that business must attract, reward, and appreciate the best people in every position at every level. And that is not going to happen when men are afraid of being shamed for giving or needing the kind of recognition that only a true emotional connection can provide.
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Photo: Flickr/TRF_Mr_Hyde
This goes back to the larger problem, which is that our society treats men like we’re disposable and interchangeable. Our society, and that includes men and women, evaluates men based on how useful they are. (Consider how devastating it can to a man to be called “useless” or “unnecessary.” Why is that even an insult?) We’re taught to be instruments. No one asks an instrument how it feels to be used or how it feels to be thrown away. We don’t want our tools to talk back to us or ask for consideration. If a tool is “defective” like that,… Read more »
Great article, Dixie.
We live in a culture of put down humor. TV is rife with sitcoms that depict smart spouses scoffing at their inept well meaning partners. When I see that play out in real life, when I see either husbands or wives doing “mean humor” to each other, I typically remark to my own wife, “why would we say anything to an adult that we wouldn’t say to a five year old?”
Our language skills may evolve, but our needs as human beings never change. We all need kind positive emotional support.
Great point Mark. I don’t watch TV, and that’s one reason why. In grade school I was told that boys teased because they liked me, which baffled me then and still does. Because 5 year olds DO say those things, and if girls get their feelings hurt someone’s in trouble, but if boys get their feelings hurt they’re “sissies.” That kind of teasing has always seemed to me a game of control and I don’t care to play.
Great article!
Thank you James.
Good article Dixie. You always seem to tap into real source. Jed’s right i was just thinking of this the other day. My wife gets down on her looks, or her job or whatever. Mainly her hair, lol. I spend eenough time pumping her up, telling her all posotives etc. Yet in all these years i’ve yet to hear her say more than a couple times that i’m a good man or that i appreciate you for such and such. It’s not 5hat my wife is clueless or we have problems but i think it’s because she’s normal. Really normal… Read more »
Source, truth, sense, I think we ALL see it. But it challenges social norms so we pretend to be blind. That version of “normal” came about in a time that is not now and it doesn’t (and in my understanding never did) serve. I’m also glad you have self confidence, but I am sorry that you need it to avoid the “basket.”
Something I feel at a gut level is that much of our social and psychological unease stems from enforcing segregation over integration of male and female. As a sentient species we go to great lengths to classify acceptable male and female behaviours and feelings into separate boxes. Somewhere in the ancient past this division served a social need but it did so at the cost of the individual. We’re struggling to reintegrate ourselves into humans and large part of it is considering emotional needs in the context of being human.
Ah yes – enforced segregation as a shortcut to understanding the person. If I label you as “female” I can “assume” I understand certain things about you. Yeah, right. I don’t know a thing about you except I sure do agree with your gut level feeling.
Dixie, Great article and important to focus on shame and appreciation. I’ve found that we all need appreciation, recognition, and support. But for too many men, needing appreciation is seen as “childish.” I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard women complain that “It’s like I’ve got three children in the house and I’ve only got two kids.” Sometimes we’re viewed as childish when we ask for or suggest we need emotional support. We may get atta boys when he do some heavy lifting or a job that requires strength, but we’re not appreciated for our care, sensitivity, empathy–which are… Read more »
Thank you Jed – the whole “masculine/feminine qualities” thing is so misconstrued and misapplied. We all embody both and we all experience the needs of both. Displaying a “feminine quality” isn’t the OPPOSITE of being masculine, it’s just part of being human.
Thanks Dixie for a lovely article! It is lovely to see a woman being an ally to men! Beautiful!!
Thank you Nick. I think I’m just an advocate for fairness and common sense. It’s short sighted and cruel to expect that men aren’t human enough to need and deserve as much emotional support as women do. If we gave less consideration to gender issues and more consideration to human issues maybe being human wouldn’t be such a risky proposition.
If I ever got a compliment there would be an ulterior motive involved. I’ve seen guys who were the best in there field scapegoated for problems they tried to fix and then fired. We’re not looking for compliments. We’re looking to be left alone. Let’s just start with that.
We can start with that 🙂 But that isn’t enough. Until all genders are appreciated equally, rewarded equally and uplifted equally we do’t have equality in the workplace. Women talk about equal pay, but pay isn’t the only form of compensation we work for.
The good news is that no one can *make* you feel shamed without your consent. They can try to shame you, they can make it easy to feel ashamed, but ultimately shame is something a man does to himself.
I agree that no one can make you FEEL shamed – however they can still “shame” you in their words and behavior, you just don’t have to let it in. But here’s the thing, it take ENERGY to reject or ignore the shaming and that is energy that can be better spent. FEELING shame is a choice, but so is staying in an environment where shaming language and behavior is directed at you. Any why would anyone make the choice to stay?