Nikki Brown wants to know why straight men don’t seem to have the same rights when it comes to sexual experimentation.
Have I mentioned how much I like sex?
Yeah, I know we don’t know each other that well. Apologies, but I do like to get straight to the point (and then wander off from there).
Another bit of personal info? I don’t really discriminate based on gender. I like eating pussy about as much as I like giving head (yes, there are women who enjoy the BJ). I’m not all that shy about it, either. I’ve been known to proposition threesomes and offer to pop lesbian cherries.
That’s not just me putting all my sexual-ness on other people. Apparently, in my real, non-bloggity-blog life, I’m the go-to if you want to discuss your fantasies regarding experimentation. Never been with a chick? Want to have a threesome with your dude? If past experience (and other people’s dreams) are any indication, you want to have it with me.
Now, why am I telling you all this? I do bring it up for a reason (and, no, this post isn’t about being bisexual – that’s a whole ‘nother topic). Basically, I’m trying to highlight the fact that my sexual life involves two things:
- The ability to experiment.
- The overwhelming acceptance and comfort of others around that experimentation.
Personally? I feel pretty fucking lucky. But…What if I were a dude?
Would I feel like I had the freedom to experiment? And, more importantly, would I receive this kind of acceptance about that from others? Would they feel so comfortable with not only my sexuality, but also my expression of it? (And, believe me, I express the hell out of it.)
Hellz to the F no.
Why is it that women can experiment whenever they feel like it? Why is it that we even have a term [LUGs - Lesbians Until Graduation] for those chicks who lick pussy all through college and then go moseying on back to dudes?
Why is it that girls can make out with each other and aren’t told “oh, y’all are big fat dykes?”
And yet. With guys? Ohhhhh no. No makin’ out here. As Dan Savage has said and Hugo Switzer pointed out here, suck one cock, son, you are gay-ed for life.
The problem with all this? I think we all have license to experiment.
It does not make us gay or even bisexual. It does not mean we are closeted, or we are suddenly unacceptable as dating material.
For one, as long as we are practicing safe, enthusiastic sex (you know I like that), we should be free to express our sexuality in whatever way we feel compelled – as long as we find partners who are equally compelled. We should not be subject to other people’s judgment or definitions. Period. Your sex is your sex – it’s not anyone else’s. I mean, are they having it?
For two, there may be that one person or type of person of the same sex (or opposite sex, if you’re gay) that just… gets under your skin. That one person that clicks in your brain. And you want to bang the crap out of them. Does it make you gay or bi? Maybe not. Maybe it just makes you straight-except-for-that-one-person.
See, I believe sexuality exists as a spectrum – not on hard (ha ha, I said “hard”) and fast terms. We fly a virtual rainbow flag of things that turn us on and get us off. As such, you can absolutely be straight-except-for-that-dude or straight-except-for-eating-box or even gay-except-for-that-one-lesbian.
Can you have very concrete sexual boundaries? Absolutely. Most people do. But does that mean everyone one does? Nope. Doesn’t.
It is only Society, and Other People, who start to tell us the sex we’re having is wrong. It is only Culture that dictates who gets to experiment with their sex, and who has to keep it straight-and-narrow if they want to still be accepted.
Who gets the real shit end of the stick (ha ha) in this? Straight dudes. Yep. I mean the ones who identify as “straight” – not bi, queer, or pan. They should be able to experiment, but they can’t even enjoy their wife pegging them in the butt before someone starts raisin’ an eyebrow and questioning their sexuality (…and that person might even be the wife).
I mean, if a gay dude slips and falls into a vagina, does anyone tell him he’s not gay? If a straight chick sucks her friend’s titties, does anyone tell her she’s now a lesbian? Any dudes getting squeamish and saying they can’t pooooosibly date her now? Um…. nope. Experiment away, kids!
But the rest of the dudes? Nope. On the Sexuality Questionnaire, you can only check one of two boxes (and only one gets the girl kind).
As someone who takes her license to experiment very seriously, it’s not a little bit of fair or even ok. How can we promote sexual positivity, let alone open dialogue about sex if we still constrain so many people? If we only allow certain groups to express and experiment?
How do we change this phenomenon? I don’t mean dealing with bi/trans/homophobes, I mean, men AND women who do not in any way, shape, or form think of themselves as homophobic.
Be honest: Do you allow men that same license I have to experiment? Why or why not?
—Photo ell brown/Flickr