Why Can’t Straight Men Experiment, Too?

Nikki Brown wants to know why straight men don’t seem to have the same rights when it comes to sexual experimentation.

Have I mentioned how much I like sex?

Yeah, I know we don’t know each other that well. Apologies, but I do like to get straight to the point (and then wander off from there).

Another bit of personal info? I don’t really discriminate based on gender. I like eating pussy about as much as I like giving head (yes, there are women who enjoy the BJ). I’m not all that shy about it, either. I’ve been known to proposition threesomes and offer to pop lesbian cherries.

That’s not just me putting all my sexual-ness on other people. Apparently, in my real, non-bloggity-blog life, I’m the go-to if you want to discuss your fantasies regarding experimentation. Never been with a chick? Want to have a threesome with your dude? If past experience (and other people’s dreams) are any indication, you want to have it with me.

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Now, why am I telling you all this? I do bring it up for a reason (and, no, this post isn’t about being bisexual – that’s a whole ‘nother topic). Basically, I’m trying to highlight the fact that my sexual life involves two things:

  1. The ability to experiment.
  1. The overwhelming acceptance and comfort of others around that experimentation.

Personally? I feel pretty fucking lucky. But…What if I were a dude?

Would I feel like I had the freedom to experiment? And, more importantly, would I receive this kind of acceptance about that from others? Would they feel so comfortable with not only my sexuality, but also my expression of it? (And, believe me, I express the hell out of it.)

Hellz to the F no.

Why is it that women can experiment whenever they feel like it? Why is it that we even have a term [LUGs – Lesbians Until Graduation] for those chicks who lick pussy all through college and then go moseying on back to dudes?

Why is it that girls can make out with each other and aren’t told “oh, y’all are big fat dykes?”

And yet. With guys? Ohhhhh no. No makin’ out here. As Dan Savage has said and Hugo Switzer pointed out here, suck one cock, son, you are gay-ed for life.

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The problem with all this? I think we all have license to experiment.

It does not make us gay or even bisexual. It does not mean we are closeted, or we are suddenly unacceptable as dating material.

For one, as long as we are practicing safe, enthusiastic sex (you know I like that), we should be free to express our sexuality in whatever way we feel compelled – as long as we find partners who are equally compelled. We should not be subject to other people’s judgment or definitions. Period. Your sex is your sex – it’s not anyone else’s. I mean, are they having it?

For two, there may be that one person or type of person of the same sex (or opposite sex, if you’re gay) that just… gets under your skin. That one person that clicks in your brain. And you want to bang the crap out of them. Does it make you gay or bi? Maybe not. Maybe it just makes you straight-except-for-that-one-person.

See, I believe sexuality exists as a spectrum – not on hard (ha ha, I said “hard”) and fast terms. We fly a virtual rainbow flag of things that turn us on and get us off. As such, you can absolutely be straight-except-for-that-dude or straight-except-for-eating-box or even gay-except-for-that-one-lesbian.

Can you have very concrete sexual boundaries? Absolutely. Most people do. But does that mean everyone one does? Nope. Doesn’t.

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It is only Society, and Other People, who start to tell us the sex we’re having is wrong. It is only Culture that dictates who gets to experiment with their sex, and who has to keep it straight-and-narrow if they want to still be accepted.

Who gets the real shit end of the stick (ha ha) in this? Straight dudes. Yep. I mean the ones who identify as “straight” – not bi, queer, or pan. They should be able to experiment, but they can’t even enjoy their wife pegging them in the butt before someone starts raisin’ an eyebrow and questioning their sexuality (…and that person might even be the wife).

I mean, if a gay dude slips and falls into a vagina, does anyone tell him he’s not gay? If a straight chick sucks her friend’s titties, does anyone tell her she’s now a lesbian? Any dudes getting squeamish and saying they can’t pooooosibly date her now? Um…. nope. Experiment away, kids!

But the rest of the dudes? Nope. On the Sexuality Questionnaire, you can only check one of two boxes (and only one gets the girl kind).

As someone who takes her license to experiment very seriously, it’s not a little bit of fair or even ok. How can we promote sexual positivity, let alone open dialogue about sex if we still constrain so many people? If we only allow certain groups to express and experiment?

How do we change this phenomenon? I don’t mean dealing with bi/trans/homophobes, I mean, men AND women who do not in any way, shape, or form think of themselves as homophobic.

Be honest: Do you allow men that same license I have to experiment? Why or why not?

—Photo ell brown/Flickr

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About Nikki Brown

Nikki Brown blogs anonymously about sex, relationships, life, gender, sexuality, the environment, and anything else that piques her interest or raises her hackles. In her spare time, she practices yoga, sustainable living, drinking vodka, and the art of burlesque. Her blog can be found at http://womenarefrommars.wordpress.com/

Comments

  1. Wild Bill says:

    Well, as a straight man, I feel I am qualified to answer this question: there’s no desire to experiment for most straight men. Not saying it’s bad or they can’t identify as straight if they do. I just don’t find men attractive. You could argue it being due to a heteronormative society, but honestly? Even if society was not heteronormative as it is, I don’t think most men who identify as straight would suddenly be willing to have sex with other men. We just don’t find dudes sexually desirable, that’s all. Of course I can’t speak for all straight men, but at least in my experience that’s why we identify as straight in the first place.

  2. Those who are a 0 in Kinsey scale are straight,
    those who are a 6 are gay/lesbians
    and all those who are 1-2-3-4-5 are bisexuals.

    You can call it experimentation, a phase, just fun, whatever, it’s just self-delusion.

    How about sleeping with me and then claim it was just experimentation, a phase, or just for fun.
    The fact doesn’t change, I shagged you :)

    So what’s wrong with identifying as bisexual.
    Yes, if someone enjoys having SEX with both SEXes, then that person is biSEXual.
    Claiming experimentation or a having a phase, are lame excuses. Yes you are biSEXual, deal with it.

    It seems there is bisexuality-phobia around.

  3. Someone saying:
    “I had sex with someone of the same sex but I was only experimenting so I am still 100% straight”
    is like a man saying:
    “I had sex with women but I was only experimenting so I am still 100% virgin”

  4. This post is…true but fairly shallow and unhelpful. Why don’t you explore the patriarchal notions of “feminine” being lesser than “masculine,” and how that manifests itself in social acceptance of women taking on a “masculine” role (sex with women, wearing pants), but aversion to men taking on a “feminine” role (sex with men, wearing dresses). It’s one of the best examples of how patriarchy hurts men too; viewing some traits as lesser than others restricts our natural personalities, and confines men to rigid regulations of accepted masculinity.

    • Ha! Shallow, eh? Fair enough. And I’d say, given your argument, I’d agree with you. Absolutely the issues of feminine as lesser is HUGE for homophobia and, in the same vein, for the aversion for men to experiment/gaying men immediately. I mean, WOAH you did something only ladies do, and they’re lesser, so why would you EVER do that, therefore, here, I now place you in the “gay” box because that’s also lesser. Yet the point I was making here *was* to hopefully get people thinking on a, well, perhaps more shallow level – but I’d prefer to say less defined level. Trying to say “hey, I can do this, why can’t men?” and asking people to contemplate that by itself, before really getting into the why/how dark underbelly of heteronormativity and gender roles. Your point, however, is well taken, and exactly where the conversation gets more serious. Thank you!

  5. Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. I’m a bi trans guy who has been with a straight cis guy for six years. People get *really* confused when they find out that he identifies as straight because, well, he’s been in love with a dude for six years. But, it’s exactly like you mentioned above – he’s all about the women…except for me. Love works in funny ways, and the love of his life just happened to be a guy. It’s not at all what he was expecting, but there you have it. Also, we’re in an open relationship and all of his other partners are female (and generally very feminine as well), which actually makes me feel rather special.

    • This is EXACTLY what I’m talking about. This right here. I honestly wonder how many more people would let special relationships (maybe not even serious ones, but at least fun, eye-opening ones!) into their lives if we didn’t have the social backlash – if it was ok. Of course, as Gabby mentioned above, this would also mean a lot of other things would be wayyy more awesome too… But I digress.

      OF COURSE this does NOT mean everyone should now experiment. OF COURSE many people are straight and have no desire to do so – and that’s fantastic too! That’s the whole point! That we are all able to feel comfortable with the relationships and sex we have, and are privileged to not be judged for it. Glad you enjoyed this! :D

  6. I kissed a boy…and I didn’t like it. Not into men or sexually experimenting with them either. I don’t have a problem with that because its my identity. Do you have a problem with my “heteronormativity?” (I don’t think you do but don’t call me a breeder-I can’t have kids anymore lol!)

  7. How about we just accept everything that everyone does in society with no social backlash and let’s how even more destructive this world already becomes. Isn’t this already hell on earth for the most part with the high crime rates, extensive spread of diseases and stds, parent-less children, children killing their parents, parents killing their children……who cares what you do sexually…….the only person you should worry about caring is the person you plan on being involved with sexually and/or emotionally. You should be honest with that person. There’s always going to be some form of discrimination. This world will never be entirely fair to everyone or anyone, so who the F cares about backlash. Like another poster said before, deal with it. I’m a minority and a woman and consequently I will always experience some kind of discrimination SO NEXT!!!!! GET OVER IT PLEASE!!!!

  8. You have the right to be who you want to be and do what makes you happy, with and without backlash. Don’t blame other people for your fears and for misrepresenting yourself or taking advantage of people you choose to be dishonest with. Backlash and discrimination (in all facets of life) is a strong component of this world, that will never completely diminish no matter how many minds one change’s via propaganda. People receive backlash because of physical appearance, culture, criminal background blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…..

Trackbacks

  1. […] I’ve talked about it here before, but check it out over on the GMP: Why Can’t Straight Men Experiment Too? […]

  2. […] also brought to mind, for me, my most recent post over there about sexual expression, and that straight women can experiment, but straight men cannot. The idea […]

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