Why Do Married Men Watch Porn?

A woman wants to know why her husband wakes up early to masturbate to pornography.

Originally published at She Said He Said

Dear Sexes: Why do married men masturbate to porn, and when they get caught by their wives they say, “It’s not you, I love only you,” but they wake up at 7:30 in the morning leave you sleeping and go in the other room an wack off to watching porn?

She Said: First, it’s not about you. Unless you’re withholding sex—-then it is a little bit about you. Remember, sex is not a weapon. It is not a tool for manipulation and should not be used to show you’re angry, or dissatisfied, or to “reward” someone. Sex should be a mutually-enthusastic expression of love, of lust, and/or connection. As much as sitcoms and RomComs joke about “holding out”, that’s pure manipulation and will end badly for you.

But that’s a little off-topic, as I’m completely jumping to a conclusion that you’re doing that.

So to answer: My guess is that your guy is using masturbation as a way to relieve anxiety before his day starts. I’d also guess that if you got out the massage oil and offered to help him with the process, he’d be keen on you joining in.

If not, don’t take it personally, maybe he needs to just get it done quickly so that he can go on with his day. Or maybe he doesn’t want to wake you. If it really freaks you out, try to talk to him about it in a way that doesn’t accuse. You know the classic relationship advice: use “I” and “me” statements instead of “you” accusations. Try, “I feel a little left out in the mornings when you get up to masturbate.” See what he says, I bet if you approach it right, he’ll feel comfortable enough to open up to you. The answer will probably surprise you—-in a good way.

He Said: Let’s get one thing out of the way real quick. ALL men (not just the married ones) masturbate to porn (or some visual form of stimulation), except for the incredibly repressed, asexual, and/or flat-out liars.

Personally, I’m not married but I don’t feel the need to justify/defend masturbation to my girlfriend by saying “It’s not you, I love only you”. I do love my girlfriend, but masturbation and love have nothing to do with one another. In general, men are visual creatures.  They have always been, and will forever be this way.

The masturbating to porn thing is mostly about getting immediate satisfaction on our own terms—-visual stimulation (in this manner) is easy for us, and rarely has anything to do with our partner, or even our feelings about our sex life, or our partner’s beauty.

Also, masturbation is a natural thing, normal and good for everyone. Does your man judge the manner in which you masturbate, by hating on the special candles you bought for the event, not to mention that old sweatshirt of his you keep nearby for such occasions? Masturbation is only a problem if it’s overdone, or used as a replacement for a healthy communicative relationship or sex-life (with others). So, if your problem is with masturbation, try and get over it. If your problem is with your man (or men in general) masturbating too much, talk to your man and see what it’s all about for him.  And tell him to stop beating around the bush, and speak honestly.

If your problem is with men masturbating to pornography, because pornography seems exploitative, and almost always enforces disturbingly sick and warped ideas of beauty, then that’s another topic for another day. If I had a dime for every media source, (girly) magazine, and insecure public figures that promote disturbingly sick, warped, and disgusting ideas of beauty (not to mention completely random ones), I’d be the richest man in the world. Those bad messages aren’t reserved just for porn! But as I said, that’s another topic for another day.

Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here!

 

Photo courtesy of  Victor1558

 

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About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. In this world, the attention tends to focus on satisfying a men’s visual temptations. Society needs to change and encourage women to enjoy watching porn with men in it. Yes, men are “wired” differently than women, but women ALSO have visual desires. Reality is, this IS a male dominated world and that WILL NOT change! Women out there, start satisfying YOUR desires the same way he does, and see what happens…

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