A woman wants to know why her husband wakes up early to masturbate to pornography.
Originally published at She Said He Said
Dear Sexes: Why do married men masturbate to porn, and when they get caught by their wives they say, “It’s not you, I love only you,” but they wake up at 7:30 in the morning leave you sleeping and go in the other room an wack off to watching porn?
She Said: First, it’s not about you. Unless you’re withholding sex—-then it is a little bit about you. Remember, sex is not a weapon. It is not a tool for manipulation and should not be used to show you’re angry, or dissatisfied, or to “reward” someone. Sex should be a mutually-enthusastic expression of love, of lust, and/or connection. As much as sitcoms and RomComs joke about “holding out”, that’s pure manipulation and will end badly for you.
But that’s a little off-topic, as I’m completely jumping to a conclusion that you’re doing that.
So to answer: My guess is that your guy is using masturbation as a way to relieve anxiety before his day starts. I’d also guess that if you got out the massage oil and offered to help him with the process, he’d be keen on you joining in.
If not, don’t take it personally, maybe he needs to just get it done quickly so that he can go on with his day. Or maybe he doesn’t want to wake you. If it really freaks you out, try to talk to him about it in a way that doesn’t accuse. You know the classic relationship advice: use “I” and “me” statements instead of “you” accusations. Try, “I feel a little left out in the mornings when you get up to masturbate.” See what he says, I bet if you approach it right, he’ll feel comfortable enough to open up to you. The answer will probably surprise you—-in a good way.
He Said: Let’s get one thing out of the way real quick. ALL men (not just the married ones) masturbate to porn (or some visual form of stimulation), except for the incredibly repressed, asexual, and/or flat-out liars.
Personally, I’m not married but I don’t feel the need to justify/defend masturbation to my girlfriend by saying “It’s not you, I love only you”. I do love my girlfriend, but masturbation and love have nothing to do with one another. In general, men are visual creatures. They have always been, and will forever be this way.
The masturbating to porn thing is mostly about getting immediate satisfaction on our own terms—-visual stimulation (in this manner) is easy for us, and rarely has anything to do with our partner, or even our feelings about our sex life, or our partner’s beauty.
Also, masturbation is a natural thing, normal and good for everyone. Does your man judge the manner in which you masturbate, by hating on the special candles you bought for the event, not to mention that old sweatshirt of his you keep nearby for such occasions? Masturbation is only a problem if it’s overdone, or used as a replacement for a healthy communicative relationship or sex-life (with others). So, if your problem is with masturbation, try and get over it. If your problem is with your man (or men in general) masturbating too much, talk to your man and see what it’s all about for him. And tell him to stop beating around the bush, and speak honestly.
If your problem is with men masturbating to pornography, because pornography seems exploitative, and almost always enforces disturbingly sick and warped ideas of beauty, then that’s another topic for another day. If I had a dime for every media source, (girly) magazine, and insecure public figures that promote disturbingly sick, warped, and disgusting ideas of beauty (not to mention completely random ones), I’d be the richest man in the world. Those bad messages aren’t reserved just for porn! But as I said, that’s another topic for another day.
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She simply lost interest in me once she fell pregnant. I discovered porn early in life but once I met her my focus was on her and there was very little porn for years. It’s naughty and a quick fix and carries no shame or fear of rejection, like grabbing a bar of chocolate after work knowing it’s not really nutritious and that there is a good supper waiting anyway, but you still do it. I tried discussing my sexual interests with her to little avail. Mine were more varied than hers. We tried couples therapy and sex therapy repeatedly.… Read more »
You don’t see men asking why women read all of those romance novels.
Love it
“In general, men are visual creatures”. That’s BS! when it comes to porn, we’re all visual criatures
My ex wife could jot enjoy visual stimulation without turning it into a lecture about the evils of the exploitation of the woman. It was the kiss of death on naughty couple fun. Dear lord, life post divorce had been bliss.
What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of valuable knowledge
about unexpected feelings.
google, You my friend make absolutely no sense, that’s google for you. 🙂
In this world, the attention tends to focus on satisfying a men’s visual temptations. Society needs to change and encourage women to enjoy watching porn with men in it. Yes, men are “wired” differently than women, but women ALSO have visual desires. Reality is, this IS a male dominated world and that WILL NOT change! Women out there, start satisfying YOUR desires the same way he does, and see what happens…
CJ, Sounds like you need to spend less time with women and more time in your man cave. Hope it doesn’t cave in on you. 🙂
My ex wife had desires for such vanilla once a month that I went searching for relief. This male dominated thing you talk of? It’s not men forcing women to do something they don’t want to, it’s a response to men precisely not getting their needs met.
I’m fascinated by this subject and the comments made. I’ve done research as well, trying to objectively understand the porn phenomenon as well. I spent more than 30 minutes reading this thread and still didn’t reach the end. Haha. Lots of justification going on. Did anyone get into the new brain research that proves how porn creates chemical reactions in the brain and how extremely addictive those chemicals can be?
You mean the same chems you get from watching a movie?
Don’t worry, that was just pop science and was rejected.
I’m a porn user. I’ve been married for 13 years and my wife has decided that sex once or twice a year is plenty. I would like it daily if possible, but she isn’t budging. We have young kids and I won’t leave and won’t cheat, but I feel totally unwanted. Therefore I watch and use porn, secretly of course because she demands I have no sex drive either. When I type it out, it looks like I should just go back to bed. 🙂
NewGuy, You and the rest of the men out there are not getting the intimacy we desire, that’s why men watch porn for a good time. Pure and simple, women need to step up to the plate and realize that not being receptive is a turn off, it hurts guys, no wonder they watch porn. Nice thing about porn is that you can take as little or as much time as you want without someone complaining that you are taking too long.
This comment describes me perfectly.
I’m a woman in a long term relationship with a man. Sometimes I would rather watch porn and/or masturbate than have sex. Sometimes it’s because he’s not around and I’m horny, but sometimes I actively want to get off by myself. Because it feels good. Because, great as sex is, my entire sexuality does not revolve around him. It’s nice to occasionally enjoy myself as only I can, and being alone can allow me to turbo-charge my libido in a completely different way because of the freedom to focus on whatever my imagination can throw at me. It’s not better… Read more »
Thank you for saying what I thought but didn’t write! 🙂
Why Do Married Men Watch Porn? – The Good Men Project
Why Do Married Men Watch Porn?
I do not understand why a taken man would watch porn to please himself. It honestly would make me feel like my husband is not satisfied with me physically or sexually. I need a better answer on why men watch these things. If I speak on it to my husband, I am afraid there will be no progress. I do not know what to do and I need better advice on how to make it stop. I CANT get over this situation and it is not easy for me to allow this to happen. Why watch it when you have… Read more »
Sounds like the issue is with you.
The first thing you have to find out is why it makes you feel this way?
The simple answer is that is has NOTHING to do with you.
You could be the goddess of sex and your lover will still masturbate. You simply can’t control that and maybe you should be wondering why you want to control it that badly.
Have you tried helping each other masturbate? I mean you two lie next to each other on the bed, completely naked and vulnerable, perhaps watching a romantic or hot movie that turns you both on and you masturbate for him and he for you? I bet it’s a fantasy to more than one man, it can create a connection for you and him, and it can fulfill his needs that maybe he can’t get with sex. Grip can make the difference, and perhaps he can’t get the exact same physical pleasure with sex. By doing this, it shows you want… Read more »
Who told you that women masturbate to thoughts of romance? That’s completely false hahaha
That’s how I feel to. They don’t need us If his is what they can do. So why bother anymore.
I believe that it is up to each individual to decide what he/she wants in their life If a man wants to engage with an endless variety of fantasy women via porn/masturbation that is his decision to do so. I think where people get into trouble is when they lie about what they want to themselves or a partner. I also think that women get into trouble when they act from a place of trying to be “beautiful” enough to keep their man “faithful” to them. Men are visual and will always take pleasure in the beauty of women. There… Read more »
why bother getting married? Just for kids? Not for love? how very sad—sure my partner would love to be in an open marriage—except he wouldn’t want me with other guys—whats up with that? by the way I LOVE porn—-so much so he thinks I may have a problem—funny how when its turned around men aren’t so good with it—they want us all to themselves—they do not share well—so why should we? can we say double standard—I was thrilled when I read that Eva Longeria and Mortons re doing a restaurant for women with well endowed young men scantily clad feeding… Read more »
“Sure they won’t mind their wives mothers and daughters enjoying themselves in precisely the same way….”
My mother probably does, my wife (whenever I get married) probably will, my daughters (If I have any) probably will, my last partner did. Not all men are the same as your partner, quite a few couples watch porn and/or make it together. Don’t let one make you think that men as a group all think the same thing and dislike their partner looking at porn.
its funny, he loved that i liked it at first—-he said it was a dream come true–but when i really started liking it it became a problem—almost an addiction for me, interfering with life and truly a waste of time when you have no interaction and are only a voyeur to a screen—we are very active..dailey—..the solution for us was to role play—so fun– and I am sure we both take an occasional peek privately :)-mostly for ideas and giggles….I am incredibly visual, even movies effect me so I have to protect myself—and never say never—until you are married—and until… Read more »
Kay, men might be visual, but I believe we have a “visual vomit strom” in our culture. What I mean is we excuse a lot of thoughtless behavior because we tell ourselves that is all men are, visual. That doesn’t help men and it doesn’t help women. I also believe that our culture is in a firestorm of images we get thrown at us (vomitted on us) daily, every hour, every minute, every second of the day. So it’s not just a simple case of men being “visual”. Secondly, it would not be fair to men or women to say… Read more »
Maybe the simple fact is he gets off on watching women more attractive than his wife.
How does he know she doesn’t fantasise about his better looking friends?
My guess is there is something hardwired into human females which makes them frustrate the sexual fantasies and desires of men.
At least he has a wife though. Did he consider how lucky he was. So many men are without a good woman these days.
Wombat, and I think you touched on one reason why women struggle with the porn issue. They feel unappreciated for what they have to give and offer of themselves that obviously is no match for the fantasies men may enjoy through porn. Instead of men working on appreciating what they have, women are advised to understand that men need to focus on what they DON’T have and need to seek this out accordingly through the beauty or skills or adventorousness of other women. How is that suppose to make women feel like they are doing a good job with their… Read more »
You said it all. Perfect.
For a laugh but theres alotta truth to it……
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zJc2l517fE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zJc2l517fE
Oh my goodness. I just have to say…words cannot even begin to express what I’ve learned from Erin, Archy and Steffan’s comments. As a Christian woman struggling with how she feels about porn and also her boyfriend watching porn, thank you for enlightening me, sharing your thoughts and putting some of my own thoughts into some clarity.
No problems, hope it was a positive experience. Only reason I open up so much is to try show others that a viewer isn’t always the stereotypical kind and especially to send the message that fantasy isn’t always reflective of what someone wants in reality. Hope it all works out for your relationship.
This is encouraging to hear. I was kind of nervous putting myself out there like that. And I’ve received some criticism (both valid and invalid to varying degrees) like I knew I would. But if my thoughts have helped someone, especially a fellow believer, then it was all worth it.
First holycrapican’tbelieveireadthatall. Second, I’ll self-disclose a little about myself. I’m a single 20 year old Christian male college student. I am a psychology and humanities interdisciplinary studies major (which you’ll probably notice if you read this all). Open conversations on sex and porn are difficult to find in my Christian subculture even among close friends (which is very sad if you ask me). I have one friend (whom I’d consider my closest/best) who I talk to occasionally about it. Periodically I talk to my dad about it. I wouldn’t really dare talk to my mom about it though. I watch… Read more »
“Women tend to think of men’s ideals as the model body type, but in reality, men actually prefer women that are curvier and actually weigh more than 90lbs! The skinny, not very curvy model type is not actually attractive to men, but more women who are perfectly attractive and sexy tend to think that is the ideal and thus are dissatisfied with their bodies.” This applies to some men though, not all. I am VERY attracted to typical model sized petite women, I am attracted to women that my friends think are too skinny, they’re still beautiful in my eyes.… Read more »
Hey thanks for reading my rather long comment. I don’t comment on the GMP very often. Yeah I pointed the whole model-type body thing out less as a specific instance to be examined (in other words I agree with you) and more as an example of how women don’t actually know what’s attractive to men and in some ways may actually have more distortions in their view of women than men could be said to have. Yeah, the whole porn causing misogyny and objectification I’ve never been able to see or understand that supposed correlation. It’s one of those “cause… Read more »
@Steffan… I’m not a Christian (I do believe in some aspects but not all, so I don’t give myself a religious label, just spiritual) but I do know people who are and dated a guy that is actually in seminary school right now who as you could guess, is very religious (he’s Presbyterian and very accepting of others and their beliefs so he’s a great example). I learned a lot from him and I would challenge you to be careful. Maybe the reason you feel guilty and wrong about it is because you know its wrong. Pornography is NOT ok… Read more »
Question. Can a marred christian couple make porn for their eyes only?
@Don’t Be a Hypocrite I can appreciate this concern and I thank you. And I was in-between as to whether to respond or not because you said you weren’t really looking for a response. But maybe my perspective and response will be helpful for other Christians or readers.. “So my challenge to you is to stop trying to find a loop hole…stop trying to find a reason that it’s OK…and just understand that your sinning, it’s wrong in your faith, and that isn’t likely to change any time soon.” I’m not in denial that porn and lust is not recommended… Read more »
Women I am attracted to probably look at porn as well, doesn’t phase me at all. I know a few who look at porn and they’re some of the best friends you could have.
Porn CAN be unhealthy like all activities that are fun, people get addicted to video games, movies, music, drugs, etc whilst others do not. Moderation is key of course but also identifying if you can handle that medium, I stop n start porn whenever I want and it’s just biding the time until I am in a relationship since I am single at the moment.
Steffan, Steffan, I’d like to address a few things you’ve said in your post. I do believe porn is largely negative. Although, I don’t think my point of view is “extreme”. And perhaps I am being hyper-sensitive about this but I think when you attach “extreme” to anything, it automatically gets a negative connotation. A negative connotation I don’t think I or my argument deserve. So I just wanted to clear that little part up. I’m about 10 years older then you and when I was a a teenager, the internet was just coming about. We had dial-up. Not everyone… Read more »
Erin, thanks for reading and writing. I don’t think there was too much I disagreed with in your response. I’m not really one to nit-pick (though I’ll probably end up doing that following this paragraph for the sake of continuing the conversation) things that don’t exactly match up with my view as long as I can see the intent behind it is good and comes from a place of understanding and critical thinking. More so, I guess what I mean to say there is that I felt positively after reading your response. I realized there very well might have been… Read more »
ok I have read all your guys comments and some make me feel better and others dont . Im a married woman that has a husband that watches porn . now Im fine with him watching it with me but its when he watches it alone that bothers me because his attitude changes towards me . now I heard that from alot of guys that it means im not satisfying him in the bedroom . well I dont know how that is possible because we do it every week atleast once if not more and when we do it .… Read more »
“now I heard that from alot of guys that it means im not satisfying him in the bedroom .” Sometimes, depends on the couple. The guys that talk about not satisfying him in the bedroom are usually referring to relationships where the intimacy has died off, where the wife isn’t interested in sex as much anymore and it can become very frustrating for the husband to be rejected and go without intimacy. Stuff like once a month or less from what I’ve heard from guys, some even go years without any sex. Does he do it when you are busy… Read more »
I’ll be consistent with my advice I gave on another thread: if you meet someone who has totally unrealistic, inhuman expectations about love and/or sex, then ultimately you’ll just have to let that person have those expectations and let that person be disappointed by his own insanity. If a man is disappointed that a woman doesn’t look or act like his favorite porn star, then that’s his problem, not her problem. Move on and look for sanity elsewhere. There’s no sense in debating with people who have lost touch with reality. Let someone who clearly prefers fantasy go off and… Read more »
Having dated a lot wellokaythen, there are a lot of men that do infact hold expectations of how women should look and behave sexualy. Maybe a guy doesn’t expect a woman to have perfect fake breasts but he does have other expectations that she perform certain sexual acts for him because of what has been fulfilled through many visual images that have reinforced for him what women should be doing in the bedroom. Alot of things have become normalized through pornography and women are expected to perform them.
But its not a matter of ability. Its a matter of willingness on part of women. Any woman can perform those sexual acts and please the guy she is dating, pursuing interested in. Ofcourse she might not be happy doing them or enjoy them herself. But she CAN if she WANTS to.
But what if erotica like 50 shades becomes as widespread and popular among women as porn is to men? Answer: “I’m only game if youre Christian Gray”
So a woman should perform acts that she doesn’t even enjoy just to make a man happy? Is that what you are saying? I’m sorry, I don’t see how that is a positive experience. Sex is about two people. It is not about pleasing men only. In porn, it is about pleasing men. But that’s not real life. Real women should have a say in their sexual lives and not be forced to perform acts that don’t bring them pleasure. Especially when sex is about two people, not just one.
Who said they’re being forced? Sexual compatibility is key here. Finding someone who matches your sexuality is a good thing, personally it’s probably a dealbreaker to never give or receive oral. Real women do have a say in what they want to and don’t want to do, and their partners also have a say in if they want to stick around or not. Why stay with someone who’s sexuality doesn’t match your own enough if that is important to you? Willingness to try is a good thing as well in some respects as long as it’s done in a respectful… Read more »
Hi Archy – I believe you were contacted by GMP when discussing this topic specifically with me. You are more then welcome to talk about the topic and your views. Freely. Please give the same grace to others. GMP firmly advised us about our interactions online. If you are unable to comply with that request, I will be forced to report you.
Thank you.
If you continue to demonize porn and generalize negatively about it, saying such tripe as “Sex is about two people. It is not about pleasing men only. In porn, it is about pleasing men.” then I will be forced to report you. As someone who HAS PRODUCED PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIAL FOR SOMEONE I find it extremely insulting. All you need to do is say you feel it’s largely about male pleasure, just don’t act like it’s ALL about male desire. That’s all I ask of you, try to portray porn more realistically because much of your comments at the moment give… Read more »
I have never heard GMP “advise” against “generalizations”. Infact, alot of the articles on GMP are “generalizations”. It would have to be to talk to a wide range of people. Unlike you, I don’t think making “generalizations” is always negative. If I believe porn is negative, I can infact say porn is negative. This isn’t a crime. It is however something you disagree with and that’s okay. But it is not in any way, shape or form against any rule or law to say that porn is negative and harmful. If I believe that porn is negative and harmful, that… Read more »
Defining porn as a substitute for a partner is only one way to look at it. I don’t think that’s necessarily the best way to frame the topic. It’s strictly a substitute for a partner only if the assumption is that having a partner means that you are sexually exclusive and that sex with your partner is the default setting for your sexual pleasure. It tends to assume that only exclusive, in-person sex with one partner is the way to go, and any other erotic source is only a temporary stand-in. My view is that an individual man still owns… Read more »
Why do married women read those erotic novels and secretly fantasize about Christian Gray while having sex with their husbands?
There are countless double standards against male sexuality that are slowly becoming more apparent.
Seriously, most married men who watch porn would love to do all the things depicted in their favorite porn with their wives as well. But how may women who get off on 50 shades of Gray, would do that stuff with their real life bf’s ad husbands?
Its about time we collectively get rid of the myth that women are morally superior.
Why do anything with their wives when they can watch a much more hotter, younger, prettier woman do those things and fulfill all his fantasies right before his eyes? Personally, I think 50 Shades of Grey is crap and I really don’t get the popularity it has polorized with some women. I actually roll my eyes when I hear women simper over it. But there are a few key differences you are over looking by comparing 50 Shades of Grey. For one thing, 50 Shades is one book that weirdly has become an anthem for men to use against the… Read more »
Erin There’s a huge presumption youre making there. Most men, who regularly watch porn, would love do those things depicted in it, with ordinary looking everyday women, rather than only watching superhot girls on a screen. 50 shades is perhaps more detrimental to men than women. As a man I’d be happy if the novel was titled ’50 shades of asshole Gray’. Atleast it would assure me that most women who love to read it regard the man negatively. But here is a man who likes to do what can easily be described as disturbingly sick things, to impressionable young… Read more »
Tim – I noticed that you said….”…rather than only watching superhot girls on a screen.” Which leads me to think that what men want is to still watch superhot young women on screen do the things they like AND have their female partners do the things they like. There are two things that bother me about these statements. First, is how much men do infact want their own female partners in real life to perform tricks they see in pornography. A hefty majority of pornography caters specifically to men and often gives very little thought to what actually brings real… Read more »
Some of these answers are way too long.
It’s rather simple. Generally, men get off through porn and women get off through touch. . So men watch porn and women get massages. Many men give their women trips to the spa as a gift. How many women have told their men to go to a strip club and see its as a gift?
stop being a pair of tits,
and yes, it does make you want to do things you shouldn’t…
I am a widow—happily married for many years from the age of 17. My husband and I had a great life and I lost him to cancer after a brave battle. I never knew porn existed…I know he had playboy ect, but we never discussed it. 2 years later I discovered online porn. My new bf could not believe I had never seen (also never played a video game, did not watch tv…very sheltered) and showed it to me—I am immediately hooked–to the point it made my bf uncomfortable (who enjoys it himself) really hooked—dailey—want to quit—I have learned so… Read more »
I think this highlights something important that usually doesn’t get discussed too often. Men usually begin watching porn at very young ages. How would they know what they REALLY are into and what parts of their sexuality have been manipulated to respond to certain things because of the matter of simple exposure? They wouldn’t know. You don’t watch a medium since you were a child and not be unaffected by it.
Just to go a different way with this…there IS a scientific aftermath to all of this. When men watch porn it may seem ‘harmless’ but it has serious side-effects on the brain, and ultimately on your relationship with your partner. When you watch pornography, high amounts of dopamine are released, creating a feeling of real pleasure and satisfaction. “Electromagnetic waves are emitted from the screen with a fantasy that triggers a chemical reaction in the brain, releasing dopamine. The result is a feeling of a real, yet delusional, state of pleasure and satisfaction. The dopamine reinforces the new connections with… Read more »
What a grear post Pattie. Thank you.
“You can continue living in your dream world, saying its fine and doesn’t cause problems. But until men AND women choose to grow up and face reality and CHANGE what they are doing, these sad results will keep happening…” Porn, like many things, CAN be addictive for some but acting as if it’s all bad for everyone is one of the worst generalizations I’ve ever seen. TV can cause issues, gaming, hell any pleasurable activity can cause issues, they all require moderation and some people lose control and become addicted. “The results of this lead to the man wanting to… Read more »
ht tp://sexademic.wordpress.com/2011/05/08/explaining-porn-watching-with-science/
What do you think of this Pattie, is the science here legit? Erin, you might be interested in this part:
“Male porn users self report higher levels of actual and ideal intimacy.
“In particular, the difference between the two groups with regard to total Ideal closeness of adults suggested that pornography users craved closeness/intimacy more than their counterparts.””
@ Pattie
“and the next thing taking place is the man asking his wife to engage in a sexual fantasy “
I don’t really see this as a problem. We all have fantasies and people should make their desires known to their partners. Are you going to prevent your partner from reading, watching or talking to people lest they get an idea that you might not agree with?
John you missed the second part of that. It’s not the sexual fantasies that are necessarily the problem, its the expectation that ‘real women’ are going to act like the women in the videos…and if they don’t thats when the problems start to arise. And when it comes to the last part, I think that if you respect your partner and they you, you can come to a compromise. So yes, if my partner is talking to, reading, or watching something I don’t enjoy, I will voice my opinion, but that doesnt mean I give them an ultimatum if it’s… Read more »
Of the videos I see, the women are aroused, and willingly want sex. I fully expect my partner to at least sometimes be aroused, and wanting sex. Is that bad or something? or do you mean other expectations are in place because the only real expectation I can see that is common is the couple wanting to have sex with each other.
“Of the videos I see, the women are aroused, and willingly want sex.” THIS is the most common central fantasy in the porn that men watch. This is the main draw of the fantasy, more than the particular details of positions or situations or what the women look like. I think many women analyzing hetero male porn get hung up on the way that the characters look or how they accessorize the sex and miss the fact that the main draw is the simple portrayal (unrealistic as it may be) of a woman’s sexuality. She’s aroused, she wants sex, and… Read more »
Good point Wellokaythen
WellOkayThen, perhaps the most common factors of porn is that the woman are acting like they are enjoying what is happening. But you can’t deny the fact that many women are targeted to uphold ideals about women’s bodies and worth through porn. Young, thin, white and busy women dominate the industry and this can’t be ignored because it’s obviously a very strong message a lot of men are conveying. How do you think it feels for women 30, 40 or 50 to see their husbands continually looking at basically the same age group of women? Sure, some porn is out… Read more »
While that might be one of the appeals of porn – seeing a woman enjoying herself and into sex – it doesn’t always translate to the bedroom for a reason. I am a woman who has always had a high libido. Higher than my husband’s, for sure. In fact, I was the one who couldn’t get enough sex, and he was the one rejecting me 13 out of 14 days… Guess what, while he was denying me, he was getting off on porn instead. I got upset, but asked if I could watch with him, he didn’t acknowledge I’d even… Read more »
“Men might watch porn for titillation, for variety, for help masturbating, because they think the women are hot, or for seeing a girl’s unbridled enthusiasm… They sure aren’t learning any tricks or tips on how to please their lover. Sure not learning how to have good real life sex. And wouldn’t good real life sex trump porn?” Depends on the person. Some find the porn itself is more satisfying and maybe masturbation gives them more pleasure. Humans are strange creatures. “They expected me to unfailingly give them blowjobs each and every time we had sex – which I did, no… Read more »
That makes sense. Why should I expect much from women? Better to settle. Sex should be infrequent and with little variety. Men will just get used to it. They just have unrealistic expectations of women.
Or, maybe you have unrealistic expectations of men.
I’d be far more likely to counsel my sons against marriage.
ok, I understand that all people see the viewing of porn in different lights. And I am not saying that there isn’t justification behind every argument. But the truth is that most men watch porn. They don’t do it to replace their lover, they simply do it because there are certain fantasies that their significant other isn’t able (or expected to) fill. This doesn’t mean that men love their wives or girlfriends any less, it simply means that they want to fulfill certain desires or fantasies. This is not to say that it can’t be a problem. There are certain… Read more »
Pesario, I actually do think porn is in some ways, a replacement for a patner, even if it’s temporary. It might not mean that a man loves his wife or girlfriend any less but I think it still does make some women feel less loved regardless. Less important. Less special. Less like being open and vunerable with him. Less united. Less like fulfilling his fantasies since he is seeking out temporary fulfillment through otehr women that are more times than not, younger and more attractive that his partner may be. I don’t think a lot of guys get that. Lets… Read more »
This only works for some men though, there are plenty of men that have tried to focus on their women, have been pushed away and rejected and seek out porn. Some women need to see the man’s porn viewing as a sign to check that SHE is doing the right thing in the relationship, same goes for the man too. If your partner is dropping back on the sex, looking at porn or other fantasy more then you need to check yourself and make sure you aren’t inadvertently doing something wrong and they need to do it as well. If… Read more »
Didn’t we agree that we would no longer engage one another on this topic? I have followed through on my end. Please see that you do the same.
Well I’m sorry but when you say shit like “It’s almost like men don’t want real sex lives anymore but they want it to be more fantasy than anything else. To me, something is sad about that. It seems like sex has become more about fantasies and porn then two people experiences sex together..” I’m going to speak my mind. This is a public forum and I have reduced heavily replying to you but there is just some shit that needs to be said. I’m not going to keep silent after hearing some pretty outrageous shit and assuming men don’t… Read more »
I’ve kept silent after reading some of your pretty outrageious shit. Not sure why you aren’t able to control yourself to do the same. Do you think you don’t say things I want to speak up against? Like how you basically said the only reason men look at porn, or the most reason why men look at porn is because of their female partners? YOu tried to make it sound like the only reason men look at porn is because of the mean old women that deny and reject sexual advances. Well sorry. But there are many other reasons why… Read more »
“Like how you basically said the only reason men look at porn, or the most reason why men look at porn is because of their female partners? YOu tried to make it sound like the only reason men look at porn is because of the mean old women that deny and reject sexual advances.” See, the problem is you don’t READ what I say. I’ve never said the only reason was because of wives that withhold sex. I have always said it’s ONE reason, and I’ve said other reasons include selfishness, or addiction, or the couple doesn’t see an issue,… Read more »
Seriously, do you even bother reading anything I say? You couldn’t be more wrong about me or what I’ve said. I’ve acknowledged the many reasons from day one, why is it so hard for you to understand what I say?
I try not to read what you write anymore since it never leads to a productive conversation.
A woman’s feelings are not the source of all relational ethics. If she offended that her man is watching porn but perhaps he is offended that she is not giving herself to him, or that she is attempting to control him with her feelings. She is hurt, He is hurt. He is considered to be a creep and a pervert if he keeps the relationship and fills the gap with porn, but is she really any different? She dreams of being a princess taken care of by a rich, handsome prince that will meet all her needs. He dreams of… Read more »
Great comment. It will be interesting to see the replies, I find it strange that the woman’s feelings are often thought of more than the man’s. You raise a good point about her potentially controlling his sexuality, who is right? I’m not sure either are right but neither sound very compatible for dating if it’s such a polarized view. There are plenty of couples where porn is used and is acceptable, others however fail to come to terms and probably differ too much on their sexuality.
There aren’t many women that actually understand men’s porn usage, I constantly see women trying to guess what men think, even telling men what they think, like, desire in porn, what they fantasize about etc and quite often getting it so terribly wrong. And yes I believe some women are making themselves even more insecure by trying to guess what their men like, and hurting themselves with their own negative thoughts, letting them beat up on their self-esteem. A guy could be watching a video and he’s only thinking about the sex itself whereas she might be trying to analyze… Read more »
In my experience, women are just as “perverted” as men, just for some lame cultural or educational reason (mom or dad didnt raise me for this) they fight hard to hide it. So I guess deep inside, the majority of women understand but they are scared not so much for the guy, but for themselves. They yell at the guys, who endorse in “dirthy” activities and call free women for sluts, because thise individual ruin the the peace in their minds they so worked hard to achieve. IMO offcourse.
You’re damn right they’re just as perverted. This whole topic is annoying, it feels like there are few women that will actually listen but there are women who will not only get annoyed at us looking at porn, but they will ask us why we like it, then misunderstand or misread what we say and demonize us with it. I’m not sure most women are really willing to listen? It’s no wonder there is a huge divide with the genders.
I think its cultural, the way how they have been raised. But frankly I dont think lot of the people who often engage in this conversation is actually interested in a fair exchange, they are more interested in getting their own judgement out. Maybe for impress other women in the conversation or outside it (lurkers). But beside that, I dont think people are incapable to understand, simply they refuse to understand maybe because it contrast with what they have been taught (spelling?) or it contrast with their agenda. Who knows…. Anyhow, the anonimity of the internet, give some people fresh… Read more »
” people who often engage in this conversation is actually interested in a fair exchange,”
it should have been, people who often engage in this conversation is actually NOT interested in a fair exchange,
I agree that people in this conversation aren’t actually interested in a fair exchange. Do you know how many times Archy has told me this or that and made negative comments about me? Do oyu realize how often Archy talks about this topic? Yet you made no personal comments to Archy about any of these things. I agree that people in this conversation aren’t actually interested in a fair exchange. Especially when they try to medically diagnose you and suggest you should be “tested” for things when they don’t really know you. Never mind that they didn’t talk about the… Read more »
Erin, I tried to point out some behaviour that was really rubbing me and I think others the wrong way. I’m quite happy to still have a decent exchange and I am not trying to paint you wholly as negative, but I did see a few things that weren’t helpful to the discussion. And yes if I have done some, point them out, I don’t mean to sound as harsh as it’s probably coming across.
wow, so much for civility. I am sure most men would not mind there wives being free and slutty and having fantasies that do not involve them…wait a second—they do! No yelling needed here—just let me be free…. I unfortunately have found if one acts free and slutty they are not wife material—hence the madonna/whore syndrome—that is really messed up
Sue: yes it is messed up, for both sides. And that is kinda sad. Men judges women, women judges men, we are all so busy judging each other that we miss the point. IMO judging others are a sign of weakness and immaturity. There is nothing wrong watching porn, and a happy woman could wery well be a first quality wife material. But far to many people still lives in the ’50s, and that means still lot of racism and lot of prejudge on people sexuality and much more. Personally I dont care, I have known prostitutes, professional dancers, swingers,… Read more »
Judgements are a fact of lie Blurpo. You made a judgement about me and who you thought I could be when you thought I had AS. There might not be anything wrong for *you* for people who watch porn. But there are a lot of men and women that I think do see something wrong with pornography. By the way, pornography is very full of prejudice, judgement and racism. It catagorizes ethinic women based on their race, as well as ethnic men. Women are regularly called derogatory slurs. There are stereotypes created through porn and cartoonish characterse created in porn.… Read more »
” Judgements are a fact of lie Blurpo. You made a judgement about me and who you thought I could be when you thought I had AS.” You mean, fact of life? otherwise, im not familiar with your terminology, and beside that, I ask you a question since I see you and my bro, have some traits in common, so its not so impossible. If I judged you, I would have said….You have AS, instead I wrote do you have as? see the difference? Anyways I do agree in lot of your observations, but as other have pointed you out,… Read more »
Yes, I meant “fact of life”. As I said, I am not the best typer. And I usually don’t care about that stuff but you brought a judgement about me so I will give you the same due respect back. You did judge me. Which is why you “asked” the question in the first place than went on to gently suggest and ask if I have ever been tested despite me telling you flat out I don’t have AS. Almost making it seem like you know me better than I do. It was a derogatory personal attack that had nothing… Read more »
All I know is when I first saw porn (please see post dated Sept 13 on this article)—I liked it—too much —it became a problem for my bf who loves porn (he’s the one who showed me) but after a while he didn’t like me liking it so much—I agree you should not judge people—BUT in a relationship there must be compromise—on BOTH sides—or its not going to work. I learned this through 32 years of a great marriage with my husband….Both people must take responsibility for each others happiness—sexually and in every aspect of life. And I too have… Read more »
I know what you are talking about, have experienced also something similar, but on other things. Yes a relationship IS a compromice between two persons based on trust. If the trust vanish, it ends the relationship. And usually, not always but generally, the trust vanish, after the compromice part fails…ie infedelty. Working in clubs and parties, sometimes its difficoult not avoid certan people, especially pushers, they often ask me if I need something to funk up. Not interested, have seen far to many friends going the down in the wrong way (crack as u say its not pretty thing,a nd… Read more »
Notice, I change my nick from Blurpo to Mr Supertypo, in reference to all my spelling error and poor english 😀
Sue, I think you probably had a pretty normal reaction to it. The problem is so many men start looking at it when they are young teens, they aren’t self aware enough to see how it’s changed them. By the time they are young adults, the *damange* is done and they aren’t going to be able to know what they would have been like had they not seem porn in those formative years.
Blurpo and Erin, All I can say is—glad I was born in a simpler time—don’t think I could have handled the over stimulus kids today have to put up with….esp if you are visual—which I am finding out just how strongly visual I am….its funny that Mr Supertypo-haha love the name 🙂 also mentioned horror films–I was never able to watch them either—they affected me far too much and stayed with me—my husband used to say its ok honey its just a movie—but never learned to tolerate it–I am also one the sight of blood can make me faint—-wonder if… Read more »
The thing with that stimulus is that over time you learn to deal with it, if you only discover TV after many decades of being alive for instance then it might reallllly be awesome and overwhelming even but if you’ve lived with it all your life than it might just be as casual as brushing your teeth.
The first time people have sex many will orgasm quick and be totally overloaded with the experience but we get used to it and it doesn’t overload us usually after some time.
Depends on the porn you watch but watching porn itself isn’t really the problem (it’s a medium), but more the content in it or the time of life you do it. Eg watching degrading porn, or watching it against your partners wishes is a problem but watching good content when single, or with a partner for instance is ok. I wonder if anyone else actually realizes the most prevalent form of porn is produced by couples? Sexting is porn. Yet I’m seeing comments that are mostly focused on pro porn and trying to suggest porn is bad from the narrow… Read more »
APatti..
Ditto!!!
I agree 100% with your comment. Men are silly silly creatures…..i had the experience of being with two different type of men, one that never used porn and thought very much like ARCHY in the previous posts, and one that thought porn was normal and well i ended up discovering he had a porn addiction which when he tried to fix he just couldnt 🙁 sad for him. I ll have to say that out of the two, the best lover was the one who never watched porn… and i still think of him (blushing 😛 ) and the worse… Read more »
You do realize I look at porn regularly right? Not sure how I relate to your ex that didn’t look at porn? These are 2 experiences, have you dated others that have looked at porn? Porn affects everyone differently, I have friends who can handle alcohol and others who can’t just like porn.