Not all “good” things are as rewarding as we’d hoped.
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I experienced a feeling the other day that as a guy I was not aware that I could experience. Or at least I never thought about. I felt used for sex.
It was a horrible feeling and I felt low and I felt dirty. I felt like a slut, and not in a good way, not in some glorified way that, as a guy, I would brag about to my friends. This experience would not lead to a story with the ending line of the story being, “I’m such a slut,” while I smile or laugh at it with my friends. No, I felt like a slut the same way a girl might be made to feel. Let me tell you this is not a good feeling.
I felt like a slut, and not in a good way, not in some glorified way that, as a guy, I would brag about to my friends.
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So here is what happened. I met a girl on a dating app. We talked and we met up. We went out to eat and I ended up bringing her back to my place. We hung out for a while, and then we had sex, and it was great. Afterwards she slept over and the next day she was on her way. We texted all the next day and made plans to hang out. We did end up hanging out, which was great as I truly did enjoy her company. After a day of texting and then hanging out I ended up going to her place this time around. We ended up having sex and once again it was great. Afterwards I was promptly kicked out.
OK, maybe saying I was “kicked out” is an over exaggeration, but she made it clear that she did not want me to hang around. She said something to the effect that she had to be up early the next day and that she slept better alone. She really had to get to bed at that exact moment.
I was hurt. I could not believe it and all at once all these emotions hit me. I had let her stay at my place the night before, but now she was putting me out of hers. I could not believe it at all. I ended up leaving because I did not want to make it seem like I cared. How could I really be upset or hurt about being put out after a hook up? We both got what we wanted. Sex is all we were truly looking for after all, right?
I kept asking myself, “A straight guy can be used for sex? How is this possible?”
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I was on this particular dating app because I just wanted to hook up, and judging by how fast and easy the sex happened I assume she was looking for the same. Even though I was hurt by being put out, those emotions from the previous night did not really sink in until the next few days. To be honest I did not know what those emotions were in the moment because they all hit me at once, and some of them I never experienced before. I just knew that I had all these emotions that I could not identify but that I felt bad.
Over the next few days the two of us still texted, or rather I texted her mostly and she responded minimally. From all my previous sexual experiences the tables were turned! I was the one all caught up and attached, and she could care less about having anything to do with me. Eventually our contact stopped and when the contact stopped then I could identify my emotions. I felt used! I felt used for sex! I felt dirty and cheap! I felt inadequate and not good enough! All of these emotions are ones that I never knew that I, as a guy, could feel. I kept asking myself, “A straight guy can be used for sex? How is this possible?”
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There was this feeling of being inadequate and not good enough. I felt maybe as a sexual partner I was not good enough, and this is why she did not want anything further to do with me. I thought she enjoyed it, but maybe she didn’t. Or maybe it was me, maybe she just did not enjoy my company. Maybe it was a combination of both. Who knows? What I do know is that these thoughts never came across my mind before.
The feelings of being dirty and low were the worst though. Like every person on this planet I have been used before, but never in such a manner. This was a new low for me, and because it had to do with sex I guess that is where the feeling dirty came from. Anytime something with sex does not feel right it automatically feels dirty, I guess. In a way I felt like a victim, like this girl did something horrible to me or that she took something from me.
While being in her shoes was a horrible feeling it was truly a great feeling at the same time.
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Once these feelings were identified I was able to sort through things in my mind. There was a whole lot of self-pity, but in the midst of my self-pity I had the greatest breakthrough. This feeling that I experienced for the first time at the age of 24 is something that women probably feel all the time. The feeling of being used for sex. I knew at that moment that this experience was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me.
In the past I could only imagine what a woman might feel if she felt that she was being used for sex, but now I knew. I was in her shoes! While being in her shoes was a horrible feeling it was truly a great feeling at the same time.
Let me explain. Men and women should respect each other. The goal is not to go around hurting each other. At least I hope not.
Thanks to that experience I feel I can now empathize truly with my female friends and family. I can now have more meaningful discussions with my guy friends, especially when they are just planning on using a girl for sex. I feel this is great for me and I’m truly happy for this experience. I am still sorting things out, but I will be back with more on this. For now this piece is “to be continued.” Please feel free to add your thoughts. Guys have you ever had this experience before? Please let me know!
Photo: Flickr/Mislav Marohnic
I don’t know why you think this is a great experience for you it freaking sucks for either sex man or woman we need to be upfront with people don’t play with people’s emotions just tell them it’s just sex no strings attached
Maybe instead of trying to think of excuses why someone stops contacting you or wanting to see you, such as, ‘they just wanted sex’, ‘they wanted more than sex and I didn’t’, ‘they’re busy with work’ bla bla bla- we just admit the simple fact that ‘he/she just isn’t that into you’. There’s a whole rom-com dedicated to teaching us this simple fact. Don’t have to get upset about it, some people just aren’t compatible. And that’s okay. While I respect your feelings that you felt ‘used’, and I’m sorry you felt that way, it still seems such a mile… Read more »
yah you don’t have to worry about it i had the same problem. i meet my girl friend on a dating app as well. we took months to get used to each other and trust each other. we met up had fun and the another month of hanging out we had sex but after words she just didn’t want to talk to me. it happened a lot to the point of were she would just show up at my house to have sex then she would say she had something to do and leave. i talked to he about it… Read more »
Yes, I can definately relate with You. It hurts and sucks especially when You know You have good qualities to bring into a relationship and not just “Physical attributes.” I feel ur pain, Brother. Im at the point where Im wondering if thats all a Female wants Me for & therefore its difficult to trust. But I can use them for Sex just as much as They can use Me. But if Theyre gonna be a Bitch afterward and make excuses for kicking u out, Screw Em’. Btw, Ive had that happen before also. Hang in there. Hopefully Soon, Youll… Read more »
A read through the comments really makes me sad. So much blaming and negativity. There are a lot of things i really like about this. First and foremost that you didn’t go into blaming and self recrimination. You didn’t indulge in besmerching the woman. Well done. That you were able to identify your feelings to accept them to see beyond the experience and turn them to an important lesson in your own growth and character development. i suspect you are an awesome person. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.
As a woman who has been on hook-up sites, I would say the worst feeling is mixed messages/not knowing where you stand. If everyone was a bit more upfront about what they did or didn’t want then there would be a lot less confusion and general shittiness in the dating world.
You’re right, Anonymous, men and women should respect each other.
I’m sorry you had to learn such a great lesson in such a horrible way.
It’s really helping me to hear your experiences as guys. I am a woman and not use to attaching feelings to sex of late after my last boyfriend. But I broke up with him because I wanted something deeper. I actually think he may have played me and lead me on and was my old self playing games with another’s heart for my egos sake. Yes I know this experience is necessary to help me be a better person but it hurts so much. I even feel silly admitting I feel betrayed and foolish. Tonight I also got a booth… Read more »
Sounds like he was talking about me…. Lol. Dating toughened me up very quickly and to survive while I was looking for the one I had to behave like a man… Self preservation. But hopefully I’ve found him now…
Really? You met a consenting adult, had a few interactions including sex and she didn’t want to continue. Big deal. Where does the “using” come into this? What is “dirty” about it? Doesn’t sound like any kind of deception took place? She may have been looking for more than sex, you may just not have worked for her. She may not have been looking for more than sex. You weren’t! I think you’re getting ahead of yourself believing you’ve gained some amazing insight. And why the differentiation between a straight man’s experience? And I don’t think you’ll win too many… Read more »
Your on a hooking up and then your surprised when you get used for sex ?? The irony is killing me
Are you genuinely surprised that you were used for sex by someone you were using for sex?
It sounds more like you’re just suffering through a few ego bruises caused by rejection. It’s highly likely that most of your female friends that have been lied to or misled because they were being unknowingly used for sex will be slightly insulted by your belief that you can now empathise.
Thanks for sharing your story and all, but Good Lord. The very idea that you now feel empowered and capable to empathize with other women because of this experience is laughable, mate. The upshot is, at least, as a male – coming away from this experience, you didn’t go into misogyny territory, like some men who feel rejected by a female. This stuff happens all the time, to women and to men. Although I’d bet dollars to donuts, its women who experience it far more frequently then men. But having this one experience and that little taste of rejection? Does… Read more »
I guess I can’t help but feel that you were using the wrong app, or that perhaps what you thought you wanted wasn’t actually what you were looking for. Based on your account, this is what I took away from it: You wanted sex, some degree of intimacy, and were open to the possibility of a hookup turning into something more. She wanted sex, with no further expectations. I doubt she would have followed through on the next-day hangout and second hookup if she thought you’d be that dismayed after being shown the door. Moving on… you didn’t think it… Read more »
The difference between how women (and some men) feel and this guy feels is that he was on a “hook-up” site and got what was expected, but not necessarily wanted. Women (some men) feel used when they are lead to believe there is an actual RELATIONSHIP happening because the behavior of the other individual involved indicates such. Be honest and behave honestly is the important message here. If you’re on a “hook-up” site, expect to hook-up. If you want to date, get on a dating site.
I can relate to your comment Lily. I thought I had the beginnings of the relationship then realised one evening that she was just using me for more experiences when she told me to masturbate somewhere else if I wanted to climax. Unfortunately I wanted to believe her words rather than what my intuition was telling me so this was not the last time. She never redeemed that moment. Honesty goes a long way and not wanting to face what she did she just lies to cover herself or blamed me for effectively being a safe person to use. She… Read more »
The man that feel used after a hookup is anonymous. Why? No women do not feel this ALL the time, as he writes here. But it is my experice that when a man with a smile say ” please use me” ,he will be crying in a months time if you do use him sexually. I have a feeling this man liked the woman so much that he wanted more than a night with her. And no matter how much you agree on the terms befor you have causal sex, feelings can develop and you get attached and long for… Read more »
“This feeling that I experienced for the first time at the age of 24 is something that women probably feel all the time. ”
Oh please, let’s not exaggerate. Communicate what you want before jumping into bed, yeah you may still get used but a lot of these being used for sex feelings are because people don’t discuss what they want.
Just be honest before engaging in the sex part. Hey I am just interesting in hooking up with no strings. That goes both ways, but the person you have to be honest is yourself. Are you made for the hook up culture? Maybe you want a deeper connection, maybe casual with intimacy? I cannot have sex with someone then kick them out when done, but I do not expect a relationship to happen after it. However I do want to experience some form of intimacy. I cannot have sex like a robot, I need snuggling and kissing and perhaps a… Read more »
Working in IT you get a lot of requests from people to fix electronics. I remember helping a female friend with an issue and pretending to complain that women only wanted me for my mind. She laughed and said I’m sure you’ll find a woman who’ll want you for your body. I start out with something light because for me this is a complicated question. I’ve been used for sex in bad ways like during my high school retreat at a women’s college dorm. The sexual relations didn’t seem non-consensual then, but I’m having second thoughts now. I also hooked… Read more »