What if, instead of seeing yourself as broken, you could ask three questions and see yourself as complete?
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When we compare ourselves to other people, we imagine that their lives are better, that their internal mechanism is somehow created more perfectly than ours. We long for that sense of wholeness, for that sense of competency, and for that sense of happiness that we imagine other people embody.
When we look back at ourselves, we see problems; habits we hate, body parts that aren’t shaped the way we want, and unglamorous lives. We think we came with a factory defect, or that somewhere we’ve tweaked an essential cog. No matter the reason, we see ourselves as broken.
Recently I was talking to a client with this exact problem. He was telling me about all the techniques he used to manage his anxiety, when I asked him a very simple question. The conversation went like this:
Me: What if you didn’t manage your anxiety? What if you just sat with it?
Client: Well if I did that I would feel sick and tired. I would be letting the anxiety win.
Me: If you are letting it win, doesn’t that imply that you are still fighting it.
Client: Well of course I’m fighting it. If I don’t fight it, it would just always be there.
Me: Are you sure? What if I told you that fighting your anxiety was the exact thing that made it stronger? What if the key to relieving your anxiety was to stop pushing it away but to invite it in like a honored guest?
Client: [Stunned Silence] Can I do that?
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My client’s reaction is a common one. It’s easy to think of certain feelings or thoughts as bad and to want to put a stop to them. So we avoid them, we distract ourselves, and we try to fix these “broken” parts of our lives.
These parts of us aren’t broken. In fact, I believe there is no part of you that is broken.
The problem is not the anxiety. It’s the struggle the anxiety creates, your own desire to be free from the anxiety that causes you to feel trapped. All you need to do to find relief is to STOP. Stop fixing it, stop trying to change it, stop making it a problem. Instead, just be willing to sit with the feeling and accept it.
Of course, saying we are going to something and actually doing it are two very different things. So together my client and I came up with three simple questions he could ask himself whenever he felt anxiety.
Is there anything essential I need to do?
If you are feeling anxiety because you are about to run out of gas then you should probably stop for gas. Nevertheless, it’s important to wonder if this action is essential. If there’s nothing urgent you have to take care of right now, then this is a good time to pause.
What am I looking for, or what am I trying to avoid?
Often we use work, social media, television, coffee, alcohol, sex, and a whole variety of other things to satisfy some deep desire. We feel anxious, so we reach for some relief. But to truly find relief we have to see what we are trying to find or trying to avoid. The key is to notice this without trying to find a solution.
Do I have everything I need? What is lacking in this moment?
This last question points our minds to look at the wholeness found in every moment. It also helps us see all the ways we see our lives and ourselves as broken. When we ask this question, we might hear all sorts of answers about what our lives are missing. The key is to ignore these thoughts and instead ask the question from our hearts.
Feel the wholeness of this moment. Breathe and accept what you are feeling. Watch as this feeling changes and begins to fade.
A moment of feeling anxiety is not broken, a moment of feeling anger is not broken, if you are willing to be with it and accept it for what it is. As you see that this moment is whole, it becomes much easier to sit with whatever feeling is arising.
After this exercise my client left with a new sense of freedom around his anxiety. He was able to see that the constant battle he was having with himself wasn’t eternal. That in fact there was a simple way he could find relief for this feeling that had haunted him for years.
You Are Not Broken
I urge you to stop trying to fix yourself. It won’t work. Instead, step into the faith that you have everything you need to live the happy and mindful life you were born to live.