Men usually think it’s their responsibility to make the first move in dating situations. But here’s why I love it when women approach me first.
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For 23 years, I’ve always felt like it’s been my responsibility to make the first move in dating situations.
It’s not like anyone has ever formally told me this would be my responsibility either.
It’s just one of those concepts that has been instilled in me by society — whether through popular culture or other forms of media — for about as long as I can remember.
And I’m not sure why.
I feel we’re at a place right now, as humans, where gender shouldn’t affect our behavior — or, at the very least, shouldn’t restrict it.
I’m sure there are women at the bar who would love to approach a guy they’re interested in but stray away from doing so because of conventional dating standards.
At the same time, I’d love for a woman to approach me. Here’s why.
1. I’m shy, also.
It’s difficult to always be the one responsible for making any type of first move.
If I don’t make an attempt to approach you, it doesn’t always mean I’m not interested in you — it’s just that we, as men, can get shy too. And rejection isn’t always how we’d like to end the night.
It would definitely be refreshing for you to approach us once in a while, especially if you’re just sitting around hoping we’ll approach you.
At the end of the day, the first move is just that — the first of many potential moves.
We might just be too shy to make it, early on.
2. I won’t spend half the conversation wondering if I’m bothering you.
It’s difficult trying to create something out of nothing, and conversation is definitely not the exception, especially when you’re approaching a complete stranger at the bar and can’t really tell whether or not he or she is into you — or just entertaining your presence out of politeness.
And while we appreciate your efforts to conserve our egos, if your intentions aren’t on the same plane as ours, it’s really only leading us further down the rabbit hole.
For that reason, if we’re not 100 percent certain there’s chemistry, we may end up pulling the plug on our next move entirely, just to avoid bothering you.
3. I like a girl who knows what she wants.
Women who aren’t sure what they want are usually the ones who end up getting hurt, further down the road.
With that said, part of maturity is understanding what qualities to look for in another person and striving towards that.
It’s attractive to see a woman who is mature enough to act on her desires, regardless of any social “norms” that would suggest against it.
It will also lead to more successful relationships as a result of her being proactive about her own wants.
4. You don’t settle.
Nowadays, people are terrified of being single; they’ll settle for the first person who walks into their lives and shows them some attention.
Naturally, this is not a recipe for success. This is actually the fast lane to failure.
In my mind, “settling” comes from a place of insecurity. The way I see things, if you know your own self-worth, you’ll make sure you get something — or someone — you deserve.
It might take time, and it definitely requires more effort than just waiting for your number to get called — regardless of who’s calling it.
5. It’s intimidating, and I find that sexy.
If a woman ever approached me at the bar, to be quite honest, I think I’d be a bit taken aback. But not in the bad way, frankly, I think I’d be impressed.
See, a woman who makes the first move shows she can thrive on the offensive side of things, too — and that can be intimidating.
But it’s also extremely sexy — the same way Angelina Jolie maintains equal parts intimidation and sexy.
In fact, I feel like Angelina Jolie has no trouble picking up guys at the bar, or had no trouble doing so back when she was single.
And I’m all about that.
6. I know your intentions from the jump.
I feel like the whole concept of flirting or courting another human being is a game; you want to show the other person you’re interested, but at the same time, you don’t want to show your hand too early on and risk coming on too strong.
A lot of times, however, men will misread the “signals” within this game of dating.
I mean, you might think you’re “playing hard to get,” but I might just take it as you’re not into me and back off.
When a girl takes it upon herself to make the first move, I won’t have to worry about trying to read — or misread — signals; I’ll already have a head start on deciphering your intentions from the get.
7. It shows me you’re confident.
Confidence is the most attractive human quality imaginable, so to see you walk up to me — without any fear of rejection — will always be sexy.
It also tells me you’re not insecure about certain aspects of your character or appearance, which is why you chose not to hide in the corner of the bar like the rest of the girls.
When I see a confident woman, it only makes me want to find out exactly what it is behind it — or what’s driving it.
That’s the basis of intrigue, and it will only encourage a more upfront, give-no-f*cks dynamic to the chase.
8. I know you don’t want to be “just friends.”
There’s nothing worse than pressing a certain girl for days, even months, only to find out she’s made reservations for your ass in the “friend zone” since the very beginning.
I mean, it’s not that you’re uninterested in being friends with her; it’s just that you haven’t been on the same page as her, which becomes frustrating.
If women made the first move more often, we’d be able to distinguish between “friends” and “potential dating options,” which suddenly makes everything clearer.
After all, in most cases, it’s better to keep those eggs separated.
9. You defy convention.
It’s 2015; there shouldn’t be “norms” that still hold the greater population hostage to certain social situations.
If you’re a woman who sees a guy she likes, go talk to him. I doubt we — the entire male gender — will decide to just abandon any responsibility to reciprocate.
It’s not like that. We’re all humans here, humans with needs and wants — and we should all feel free to act upon these desires, regardless of our gender.
10. You’re not the type of girl who waits for things to come to her.
The fact that you possess the ability to see something you want and go and get it is a testament to your overall ambition.
It will show us you’re not complacent relative to matters of life. More importantly, it shows us you’re not complacent regarding the people in your life, either.
It doesn’t make you any less “feminine” to go approach a male at the bar. I’m not sure how gender even comes into play, quite frankly, with respect to making the first move.
When you see something you want, you should feel free to pursue it — regardless of gender or any societal norm urging you to wait for someone else.
By Dan Scotti
Originally published at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
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Dan Scotti holds down the role of a Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. He was born and raised on Long Island, where he learned to avoid small talk with people, and graduated from Binghamton.
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Photo: Mrhayata/Flickr
This is an interesting article, quite thought provoking. However I’d like to say that, as a woman, I like being chased, pursued. I am a feminine woman and I like masculine men who are not afraid of approaching me and who are confident enough not to fear rejection. The writer, who says he is shy and afraid of bothering some woman who doesn’t really like him if he approaches her, sounds wimpy to me. As for approaching a man in a bar, to me this sends the clear signal that I’d be looking just for sex, which is not my… Read more »
ps..I share the laments of some people here who complain that it’s hard to meet people in public places when they are all glued to their phones. I used to meet men (and women) in cafes, back in the prehistoric days before technology took over. Now in cafes, it’s hard to even catch the eye of another person. so lost in their tablets they are! I’d like to see cafes which ban computers, etc.! Instead of saying “free Wi-Fi” on the door, I’d like to see “human conversation permitted.”
I agree 1000%. This is not a manly man, and a woman who approaches him would likely not be feminine. The article states throughout what this tells him about the woman; but what does it say about him? I prefer a man who knows what he wants, is confident and has clear intentions.
Claire, I agree with you…to a point. You can chase a guy till you LET HIM him catch you, all the while be the feminine lady full of self-confidence and empowerment. From everything that I’ve read and experienced, that is all like nectar to a bee in men. I recently went thru my 3rd divorce so I’ve been a little gun shy about going out and meeting men…that and I’m working 40 hours as well as working on my PhD. That being said, it doesn’t mean I want to retreat into a hole. I just want to find the time.… Read more »
Most of this is great…
But the “friend zone” thing is B.S. If a woman treats you like a friend, she considers you a friend. If you choose to run with it in the hopes that you can persuade her to let you into her panties, and she goes “whoa, hold up, we’re just friends,” that just puts you in the “insincere douche with ulterior motives zone.”
Preach it!!! Since when did “friend” become a 4 letter word?!?! Building a foundation of friendship where people can get to know each other is a wonderful thing! If it goes further, that’s great because you have that foundation that has whetted your appetite enough that you want to take it further. If not, what’s wrong with having good friends?! Not being idiots and jerks, but real friends? I think people have forgotten what real friendship is all about.
“10. You’re not the type of girl who waits for things to come to her. The fact that you possess the ability to see something you want and go and get it is a testament to your overall ambition. It will show us you’re not complacent relative to matters of life. More importantly, it shows us you’re not complacent regarding the people in your life, either. It doesn’t make you any less “feminine” to go approach a male at the bar. I’m not sure how gender even comes into play, quite frankly, with respect to making the first move. When… Read more »
Intuition does not equate to signals. I doubt the English language comes up short in the area of subtleties. And as John Anderson mentioned sometimes signals do not mean ‘she is into me’. Every man I know has had that experience at least once. This might be a uniquely American cultural quirk. But I doubt it.
“This might be a uniquely American cultural quirk.”
As someone who has traveled and lived abroad on several occasions, I can tell you it is indeed uniquely American…
Even in society with very very rigid gender roles, men and women can still express subtle interest and each one knows, unambiguously.
There is not, in my knowledge or admittedly limited experience, a single language or culture on this world where it is the least difficult to express or convey ambiguous interest…
Thanks Jules for your reply and comments. Sometimes this place seems like a digital vacuum. Which can really suck.
It surprises me how intuition is completely ignored in the ‘dating game’. I keep hearing and reading this reason: ‘I don’t know if she is into me’. American society encourages things to be ‘clear’ – it’s probably coming from the English language which doesn’t leave any place for guessing – words are clear, explicit, no doubt, hence we are all expected to ‘be clear’, to spell it out, otherwise we get confused. In Europe – and I’m speaking about the latin-language countries (France, Italy, Spain, Romania, Portugal), the language is much more nuanced – context is King. Having that background,… Read more »
“It surprises me how intuition is completely ignored in the ‘dating game’. I keep hearing and reading this reason: ‘I don’t know if she is into me’. American society encourages things to be ‘clear’….” It is not ignored at all….It just is not as simple as you make it….If it were, we men would be loving life. We have a society here today in America that is increasing narcissistic and socially dysfunctional. People no longer want to even talk! They would rather bury their heads and eyes into a damn smartphone or tablet. In Europe, people still value conversation and… Read more »
“Americans are perhaps the most socially dysfunctional group of people on earth today. We now border on being antisocial! We would rather try to find “love” online rather than talking to a live human being at a bus stop or on the subway or anywhere else in public. Crazy!! ” Why are you advocating street harassment? 🙂 Seriously, my nephew has been working out. He works in a restaurant so that’s a hotbed of harassment anyway. He tells me how women, co-workers and patrons, slip their numbers into his apron, etc. One co-worker even told him they were going out… Read more »
I recently dated a guy for 3 weeks and I said to a friend: “this guy is not into me.” “How can he not be into you, you’re sleeping together?!” she replied. But I just knew. One night he left my place and I never heard from him until 2 months later. He said to me he thought I was not into him. So not sure where we went wrong LMAO but obviously we were not meant to be together.
I know being asked out by a strange woman at a bar would disorient me and to some extent concern me even when I was younger. That doesn’t mean I would necessarily say no. That also doesn’t mean I wouldn’t immediately regret saying yes. I think it depends on how I’m approached and contrary to the stereotype a woman who is sexually aggressive would make me run away. Her being into me would not be my first thought. I’d wonder if she was already pregnant and looking for a daddy or if she was getting back at her boyfriend and… Read more »