You can have a beautiful, healthy and ridiculously happy marriage…with no fighting.
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I never fight with my wife. Never. Neither should you.
I vowed that I would never put children or a wife through that experience.
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Despite what you may have read in a book, heard from a marriage expert or believe from watching other couples (or even your relationship), fighting is not inevitable in marriage. You can have a beautiful, healthy and ridiculously happy marriage…with no fighting.
A little history
My parents argued, vehemently, through a large portion of my childhood. Before my 12th birthday, mom was gone, and they were divorced. I don’t lay blame on either, like all of us they each had their issues. Even so, it was the most painful thing I ever endured. I vowed that I would never put children or a wife through that experience.
I know that many people feel all couples fight in a marriage. Truly most do. But not everyone. There is a percentage, what seems to be a relatively small number that buck the trend. We want you to join us. There is a great joy to be had and many heartaches to be avoided.
It should be noted that my wife and I don’t always agree on issues. We do agree more than 90% of the time, but there are exceptions. In those cases, we talk (no yelling or anger) things through and come to a decision. It is as simple as that. Let me tell you why (and how) I never fight with my wife.
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1. Fighting is immature.
Let’s jump right in and stir things up. When children don’t get their way, they yell and cry and say terrible things. Let me ask you a question. Do you yell at your boss? Do you scream at the cashier in the grocery store when the line is moving slowly? No, you don’t. You treat them with respect.
Shouldn’t the person you love the most be the one you respect the most? Don’t give in to the temptation to lose all social kindness when you walk in your front door. I say “please” and “thank you” to my wife for anything she does for me. You are a man, not a child. You can choose to show her kindness, not selfishness.
2. Fighting doesn’t solve problems; it creates them.
What do you fight over? Money? How to raise the children? Which way the toilet paper roll should be placed? Fighting doesn’t make these things better; it just surrounds the topics with hurt feelings and tears of frustration. When anger flares it doesn’t help the situation, it makes it much worse.
At this point, some counselor is reading this post and thinking, “This guy’s marriage is in trouble. All those pent up feelings are going to eventually lead to an explosion of epic proportions!” It’s not true. My wife and I have been married for nearly 25 years. Neither of us remembers a fight for at least 22 of those years.
Will you have differences? Of course! But how you treat each other in those times shows whether you care more about yourself or her. Talk through differences, be kind and giving. Gentleness is the key.
3. I love her.
I’m not perfect. Every once in a while I’ll feel a bit of frustration welling up. But I know how to remove it. I’m a man of prayer. Praying allows me to let go of those problematic feelings.
In addition, I can’t bring myself to treat her harshly. This woman is the most precious person on Earth to me. Will I raise my voice to her? Will I instill fear of me in her heart by uncontrolled outbursts? No! I show my love to her by doing whatever I can be the man she needs me to be. Your wife sees you at your best and at your worst. If you always remember how much you love her, then your worst will look very much like your best.
4. I am an example.
My wife and I are the example for them to follow, and that was no accident.
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We have two children, both boys. They are adults now, and the youngest is married with a wife of his own. During their entire childhood, they lived in a home where their mother and father loved each other dearly. They knew at times things were tight financially, and we didn’t have everything we might have wanted, but they didn’t worry about their parent’s relationship. They never lived with the fear of divorce in their home. My wife and I are the example for them to follow, and that was no accident.
If you are a married man, you are also an example. To your children, if you have them, to other couples almost certainly and to society as a whole. Be the man that other men aspire to emulate. Be a man who compliments his wife both in and out of her presence. Tell others how much you love her! Let the marriages that come after you see what beauty is possible in a relationship.
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Am I perfect? No. Is our marriage perfect? No. Do we sometimes disagree? Certainly. But we don’t fight. Do you? Maybe it’s time to change from fighting to loving. If we can be happily married without fighting then so can you. You can do this. Now go love her.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I knew there had to be others like me and my fiancé! He’s been having a niggling worry at the back of his mind that us never arguing (though we *have* had a couple of mature disagreements) means something is wrong with us. We have both grown up with fighting parents and the revulsion of never wanting to be that way has made us always keep our emotions in check. We don’t bottle things up, but express them in a mindful way.
If I fight and win I actually lose because I have hurt the person I love the most.
Personally, I agree with diffusing conflict. I have subscribed to this feed for quite some time. However, conflict and arguments are simply unavoidable, and upon clicking on this particular link I was disappointed to find nothing more than, “I don’t do what you do” holier than though bs. I’m disappointed. Maybe, perhaps, instead of trying to meet your deadline, write something insightful, and more importantly useful for someone who might actually live in the real world and is trying to work through it. Fighting is not about trying to cause conflict, it is 2 peoplw,who feel passionately about something,albeit with… Read more »
A couple of days ago I had to break up with my boyfriend because he was always mad at me for something, there was always something, I was afraid to do or say anything that could bother him. I was trapped in a prison, stressed and unhappy. So I had enough. I don’t need that in my life.
I knew their had to be other couples out there like my wife and I. Thank you for the encouraging article. Often we thought we were the odd ones and that somehow our marriage wasn’t “normal” because we didn’t fight. We differ in opinions from time to time (less and less as time goes by), but we always talk things through. We’re always talking to each other about anything and everything. One of our favorite books while dating was “Men are Like Waffles and Women Like Spaghetti”. We also have also benefited from “Laugh your Way to a Better Marriage”.… Read more »
This really spoke to me. Fighting sucks. No one likes it. I hate it. I need to stop. Thanks.
Pura vida!
I loved the advice and to hear of great men like you. Wish I could have read something like couple years ago. I am recently divorced and I am still hurting over it. I wasn’t the best husband but I loved my wife. I lived her children and I miss them dearly. We argued but I mostly saw our arguments were mostly of me not being able to find work. I was working steady but life happens. You can’t predict it. I found myself constantly having to defend myself. I hate arguing, I really do. And like you I would… Read more »
Albert, I am so sorry for what you experienced. We don’t have the ability to control the responses of others…but we do have the ability to control our own. I am glad you have found a new job. I also appreciate that you plan to take the words I wrote to heart. I’m no one special, except that God has shown me how to love my wife in a way that brings joy to both of us. I believe you when you say that you are working toward becoming a selfless man. I’m not completely there yet, but the effort… Read more »
I agree. Fighting is immature. However, what about if your wife acts in an immature way and try to pick up fight without any reason? I think it is less complicated when you have a wife who acts in a mature way.
Hosz, thanks for the comment and question. Something I have learned in relationships is that if one person changes their behavior, without making a big show of it, eventually the other often follows suit. This does not happen every time, but it works often enough to make it worth a try. So in your situation I would simply refuse to engage in the fight. Respond to her aggression with kind words and actions. Don’t get angry. I know a couple, close family members, who were in this exact situation. It took a bit of time, but eventually she realized the… Read more »
This is giving me life today! Thanks Troy! What about the ones who avoid arguing, but shut down instead?!! No discussion, no nothing….getting anything out of them is like pulling impacted wisdom teeth w/o anesthesia, even after years and years of trying to “be a safe place”….???? Retreat to “the cave” for days on end, literally, only to come out like nothing happened…..and look for laughs and affection…..don’t understand it…
Thank you for the kinds words Her, I’m glad the article encouraged you! As for a person who shuts down there are a few ways to draw them out. You could certainly go to marital counseling but they may not want to do so, at least not at first. My personal thought (and I am NOT a licensed marriage counselor, but I’m a certified marriage mentor) would be to find out what makes your spouse feel loved and to take actions in that direction. People tend to respond when they feel love in a way that speaks to them. To… Read more »
Great article, except for one thing. The boss analogy is poor since you have too many bosses who think that just because they are the boss, they can yell at you; however, you are not allowed to yell at them.
Thanks for the input G! It’s true that bad bosses sometimes yell at employees. But the point is that yelling at anyone is immature and yelling at your wife is not only immature, but incredibly damaging to your relationship. Again, thanks for commenting!!