Maybe you should too. Not MY wife — yours.
—
I’m always anxious to read the latest advice from sex columnists about how to have amazing sex. My problem is that they often fail to speak to the reality of life after children. Of course I’d love to languish in those Halcion days when we spent nights doing nothing but worshiping each other. Those were the days. But why doesn’t anyone talk about having amazing sex after children?
I said married guys with children don’t want to talk about something that doesn’t exist—sex after children.
|
The sex advice people suggest spicing up your love life. I’d love to have a few hours to do yoni massage in a quiet room filled only with sitar music and the aroma of sandalwood wafting in my nostrils. Children present too many interruptions and distractions. We never had the money or the child care back-up to do weekend get-aways. Waiting until late at night usually means someone is sleeping. Lovemaking gets pushed to the back seat. It takes a toll.
I was involved with men’s spiritual development groups for years. We all took a pledge of silence like the Las Vegas code. On several occasions though my wife asked me if we talked about sex. I said married guys with children don’t want to talk about something that doesn’t exist—sex after children. I couldn’t tell them about my life or they’d kill me out of jealousy. I have had a great sex life after children. Actually it started before children as it does for most of us men, but for my wife and I it never stopped.
I’m in a second marriage. My first was a complete mulligan. Maybe some insights will be posted here down the line. Let me just say, to reinforce an observation about The Good Men Project, men are victims too. I was. Enough for now. Well, okay, a little more revelation.
I underwent a vasectomy in a desperate attempt to save my first marriage. My ex was so afraid of pregnancy that she would “forget” to take her pill. ( I know, it doesn’t make sense.) She contrived ever possible excuse to avoid sex. I really didn’t want children either, so it was no big deal for me at the time—anything to get more sex. However, when I had the procedure in the late 70’s, the folks at the family planning clinic wanted to be sure I knew it was highly unlikely I would ever be able to conceive naturally. I signed off willingly.
Turns out I was duped. Can’t go there now. My marriage dissolved soon after.
Some time later, I met the woman who would become my soulmate, the love of my life, all the magical things that a good relationship should be about. In our single days we were like mink. However, I knew when I proposed that I was committing to having children as our relationship wouldn’t work if we stayed childless. My wife was born to be a mother. I loved her enough to take the risk.
Sexuality in marriage after children has to become a commitment and not an idle romantic indulgence.
|
I underwent vasectomy reversal. In the aftermath I became her sex slave, as she rigidly followed the procedures for a thirty-five year old woman to get pregnant — sex every day she was at the proper basal temperature. We were told it could take a long time. The rabbit died before I was even out of my surgical recovery period.
We had sex all though the pregnancy. In the last days of a difficult and uncomfortable pregnancy, it became too painful for her. Thankfully, her gynecologist told her the way out was the same way she got in. Sex late in pregnancy will induce labor. I love that man. We had sex and she went into labor the next day.
Our first child was a crisis baby, born with a formerly fatal congenital heat defect. We took him back from the arms of the angels on several occasions. You’re never out of the woods with a heart baby, but that too is another story. I lost my job just before our second child was born. My father-in-law, my best scotch drinking buddy, died suddenly after the birth of #2. I think only a prison term is higher on the life stress levels. Still we held on to each other.
Okay, back to my opening point, the sex counsellors don’t acknowledge that sex after children comes in stolen moments. Foreplay becomes “Brace Yourself!” Children, for all their blessings, kill intimacy. It is the ruin of many marriages. Sexuality in marriage after children has to become a commitment and not an idle romantic indulgence.
She has never denied me sex, but it has put a little naughty fun into a stressful situation that many couples face.
|
Over the years my wife and I have stayed sexually engaged. Our sex life would not make a great XXX movie. A lot of it is under the covers, quietly in the dark, but still, a connection. Unable to have wild sexual fantasies played out, we have found our own means of fun. One of them involves me paying my wife for sex. It serves a dual purpose. Money has always been short in our situation—we have been a one income family—I’m the at-home dad. I have terrible money insecurities. My wife loves to shop and buy stuff—fortunately, she is frugal. Still, her spending has been a source of stress in our relationship. I think I own four pairs of shoes, she could supply a small nation with her collection. There is rarely a day when she doesn’t shop and buy herself something. The clutter has me tearing my hair out at times. But it’s the money fear that is most troubling for me, and I admit, irrational.
I do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, so lavishing those treats on her doesn’t open any romantic gateways. We needed something else.
Somehow we came up with the fun idea that I would pay her for sex. The money she “earns” she is free to spend without me nagging her. She has never denied me sex, but it has put a little naughty fun into a stressful situation that many couples face.
I don’t know if our little arrangement will work for you, I’m just saying don’t be discouraged by the sexologists, find a way to keep sex alive in your relationship, even if you have to “pay” for it.
—
Photo: Flickr/J.K. Califf
I can relate fully to what you’re saying. Pls include me in the discussion.
Never have been in this ” position” , so sad . Childless and single for awhile , I have discovered that sexuality and increasing interest in sex in general , especially with someone you may have and extreme attraction to can just only get better and better . I wish i had not been so preoccupied with life and all my worries when I was married . I could have enjoyed sex so much more and maybe could still be married . I dearly miss being married .
Pretty interesting little story. So, my wife and I are not exclusive. We met and saw each other as one night stand partners and ended up in what is currently a 13 year relationship (8 of it married, and without making promises in a church we knew we wouldn’t keep). When she has a ‘boyfriend’ – especially a new one where they are into each other, we institute a pay-for-play system. Since we love talking to each other about what’s going on, but she might want to temporarily reserve herself, I can ask for some form of intimate access. Different… Read more »
I can’t wrap my head around this. I mean, hey, whatever floats your boat, but well, first of all this is yet another example that flies in the face of everyone who claims that women enjoy sex as much as men: are we throwing that idea out the window, or are we assuming that there are just as many women who might pay their husbands for sex? Secondly, and more importantly, I get that people, especially women, are apt to get tired and find it difficult to be up for sex with the demands of family a constant pressure, but,… Read more »
Yes you are missing the fact that women get tired of men. They want excitement and adventure that most men fail to provide over time. This is an alternative to that lost adventure and excitement. She may love you but it’s no secret women need a kickstart in the lovemaking department. When they’re reved up women absolutely love sex more than men.
Ppl need to get over themselves. Yay for you for having a sex life despite kids. The prostitution fantasy is a common and frankly one of my favorites. It’s very empowering to think of oneself as so good that they could get paid for it. Anything can be dysfunctional but we can’t possibly know enough about your marriage to make that judgement call. I will say nothing kills my desire quicker than the pressure to feel like every single sexual encounter needs to be deep soul shattering overwhelmingly emotionally connecting love making. Married couples need to be able to screw… Read more »
The replies are hilarious. It’s amazing how offended people get over how other people live their lives. If this is something that works for this couple and doesn’t demean their relationship then by all means let them have fun with it. Even if he was actually paying her directly for sex, which he’s not because they’re role playing, this still wouldn’t be offensive. The truth is most relationships do operate on some level of tit for tat, whether it’s talked about or not. This guy might have been emasculated for years and this give him a sense of control over… Read more »
Paying women for sex objectifies them and reduces them to the same level as a good or service that can be bought or sold. This post disgusts me and makes me feel dirty.
Interesting that you see it that way. While she’s denying her husband’s desires and feelings so much he feels it necessary to pay her, she actually makes the choice and takes the money: yet she is the victim. Interesting.
WTF. She obviously doesn’t love you very much.
Your wife is the primary wage earner so you ‘pay’ her for sex by not nagging her about the way that she spends her own money?
Interesting phrasing. is the money a man with a SAHM earns specifically “his” money, or does that only work when it’s a woman doing the earning? His money is “theirs” while hers is always hers, as it were?
Would have been nice to read about the bit where the ‘he’ was valued enough in his role and contribution to warrant the ‘her’ prying open her wallet, but let’s not actually give gender stereotypes a genuine shake. Maybe just putting them into a prettier dress is enough. I’ve found better ways to justify myself here without actually being pushed to learn much. I’m not good at this, but I know a turd when I smell it. This place is a good idea. I hope to return if it becomes a good execution of the idea. Peace out. I wish… Read more »
Whatever works. I think some people miss the point. I make the majority of the money in my marriage yet my wife likes to pay when we go out. We all know where the money comes from, but it makes her feel better as she likes to be in control. I sometimes massage my wife’s feet in exchange for a tryst. You stop complaining about her shopping habits for one.. Sounds like a tit for tat. That’s how marriage is.
Speaking as a married man with 4 children, and a fifth on the way, I don’t actually see this as a healthy way to address sexual intimacy issues in a marriage. From my perspective, sex within a marriage is actually a physical bodily representation of the original marriage vows that my wife and I made to each other on our wedding day – to give totally of ourselves to each other in a self-sacrifical love for the other. Just as I would have never paid my wife to marry, so I would never dream of paying my wife to have… Read more »
Brendan:
Certainly your comments are worth more than two cents. Thanks for taking the time to express your views.
My heart hurt reading this article.
Curious to know why you feel that way. Shouldn’t sex between a man and woman deeply committed to each other also have elements of naughty fun?
Intriguing notion, Spencer. So, does she fantasize about being a hooker? I mean, that’s a pretty common fantasy among women (I’ve certainly entertained it), for various reasons.
Lisabet:
I asked my wife if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. She thought about it for a moment and said, “Where am I going to get a million dollars?”
Lisabet:
I don’t believe she harbors any notions about the second oldest career. I did ask her once if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. She thought about it for a moment and said, “Where would I get a million dollars?”
Tara:
Interesting, thank you. Thanks for the insights about the woman’s motivations and control. Our ‘business’ relationship is in good fun. As I mentioned, it really helps me, as I have terrible insecurities about money. The money my wife ‘earns’ she is free to spend without me nagging.
Ok so I think this is the greatest thing I’ve read all week & that says a lot because I read a lot of stuff! Anyways, after forwarding this article to my guy friend he has a few questions and I told him I’d try to get some answers! “LoL, he’s a stay at home dad rite?? So she gives him the money that he pays her with?? Does he just take their “her” money out of the ATM and then go home and say HERE? lol and does he have to pay EVERY time they have sex? What if… Read more »
Rachel: Yes I was/am a full time at home dad (our boys are 23 and 20 now) My wife is the principal wage earner in our house We started doing this after I began making a part time income as a handyman. So I am earning the money I use to pay her but really is all OUR money so in one sense I’m paying her with house money. It’s just so much more fun than simply giving her an allowance. Not to get too far off track but the beginning of this was my money issues. In a one… Read more »
Thank you for answering our questions!
This is not new. When doing research I found an old article from a “Dear Abbey” type column in a newspaper. A man said that his wife was not that interested in having sex with him. At one point, they agreed to have an unspoken arrangement. He would put $20 on the dresser in the morning. By the end of the day, if the $20 was missing, he knew his wife was prepping for a night of sex, but if the $20 was still on the dresser, it meant she was not in a sexual mood that night. He said… Read more »
Don and Flibber
You two have very active imaginations. I appreciate your comments. It’s all in good fun, really. I am about as concerned with it getting out of control as I am concerned about being attacked by the killer dust bunnies that live under our bed. We are in a very stable and trusting relationship. My main point is that marriage and children put a damper on intimacy and you have to find ways to keep the fun alive. This is one way that has worked for us.
I agree you have to commit yourself to your sex life just as you do to all parts of your life (romantic, intellectual, financial, social…). I just can’t get past the comment “she has never denied me sex”… I think if it had been phrased as ‘she always wanted to have sex’ or ‘she never turned sex down’ I’d feel less disturbed by it. It conjures feelings of coercesion (rape?), prostitution, wifely obligations (creating an imbalance between partners), denial of her sexual needs and desires…. I can’t quite put my finger on it..however, each to their own. if you’re happy… Read more »
Spencer, while it sounds like an innovative idea and exciting fantasy to spice up a couple’s married sex life, I would be concerned that it might be playing with fire and going down the wrong path of building neural pathways for your wife of associating getting paid money for having sex. What if she starts liking the money too much? What if someone found out your not-so secret fantasy and offered her more? Just one time… What if she encountered younger, more charming men who weren’t financially struggling as you say you are? There are enough temptations in life and… Read more »
Sounds like you are just pushing all your own insecurities and fears onto a total stranger to me. It works for them. You sound way too insecure to go there. If they have that much fun in their own marriage and he doesn’t need to go pay someone else then what’s the harm? It sounds pretty healthy to me.