A young man, at the apparent prime of his dating life, decides to give up on dating
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Every now and then, I like to test the people in my life just to see how open they really are. The majority of my friends are intelligent and progressive people who voted for Obama even as they criticized his human rights record, spend hours discussing gender and race bias in pop culture, and legitimately invest themselves in questions of how to make the world a better and more equal place. I have tremendous respect for these friends, who live thoughtfully and intentionally.
However, when I tell them that I’ve considered stopping dating, their responses range from concern (What’s wrong? Did someone break your heart?) to misdirected encouragement (Come on, man, don’t be down on yourself.) to bewilderment (Um…what?). This is especially true for straight male friends, who see the pursuit of romance as one of life’s standards. Liberal men can criticize the lack of women in senior executive positions, disregard musicians with misogyny-laced lyrics, and do any number of things that challenge conventional masculinity without alienating their peers, but heaven forbid they’re not perpetually in the game. Sure, maybe you’re looking for a relationship and don’t want to sleep around, but you’d just stop dating altogether? You’re 23! That’s what young men are supposed to do! How are you going to find a girlfriend if you don’t seek her out? Are you depressed?
To be fair, their concern comes from a good place. I met most of my friends in high school and college when my self-image lived and died on my perceived attractiveness to women. To them, this could just be a defeatist and impulsive move from a guy they knew to beat himself up every time a girl rejected him. Some of you reading this might be inclined to agree. To those criticisms, I’ll say that I completely understand. Trust me, it was hard to write this and feel like I could even make fixed conclusions about dating. But years of soul searching brought me to a decision that young men should know is a legitimate option.
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The truth is that we don’t really need to date, and some of us might be better off if we don’t, but you would never know it by looking around. American culture likes to tie a man’s success with women and romance to his worth as a human. The Casanova who brings a girl home every time he hits a bar is lauded for his ability to capitalize off of momentary chemistry. His more bookish, introverted friend receives hearty congrats and admiration for his maturity when he settles down and marries. Their other buddies feel restless and incomplete until they meet a future lover or girlfriend. These archetypes are brought to life in movies, TV shows, and music of all stripes that codify expected behaviors. Whether it’s Seth Rogan finding life purpose after impregnating Katherine Heigl, Kanye West probing existential crises amidst sex-filled escapades, or the latest indie rock sensation wallowing in self-pity over the inability to connect with potential lovers, the message is clear: no matter what you’re going through or what kind of man you are, you’re incomplete without sex and romance.
Such an assumption can be damaging to young men who, for whatever reason, find themselves at a disadvantage in the dating pool. In the year that I spent on OkCupid, I sent countless messages to women with whom I had high compatibility only to get no response or a few terse “How are you?” messages that ceased as soon as I asked them out. A handful of those messages lead to first dates, with a few going further, but were those fleeting connections worth all the time I spent writing and sending messages? I won’t pretend like it’s so hard for men – women on that site have to live with the fear that any man they message might rape or kill them, and young men should keep that in mind any time they head down Self-pity Boulevard – but it’s certainly not encouraging. Six years of making passes at parties yielded little more genuine connection, so I’ve been basically playing a losing game at every turn (and that this is even a game at all is sad as hell). Even when these actions led to relationships, they were plagued by my unresolved confidence issues and worries (always hers, never mine) about us not working well together.
I eventually realized that my own conception of successful relationships was archaic, and that connecting my self-worth to them was inherently problematic. My parents, like many South Asians of their generation, had an arranged marriage facilitated off of only a few dates. I always used their relationship – rock solid at over 35 years – as an ideal, thinking that anybody could conquer their initial misgivings about a person through mutual dedication and an affection that grew over time. Most young American women I’ve met (or at least those who share my educational background and progressive views) don’t feel that way, and date with the hope that they’ll find someone who is a good fit for either that moment or an idealized future.
Romantic ideals in both the West and East are based upon similar patriarchal assumptions that people need to be fulfilling those ideals in order to be worth something to themselves and to society. But as we become more open about hookup culture and casual sex, are we really questioning those assumptions? I don’t think so, because we otherwise wouldn’t pressure people to be sexually or romantically involved at all. Society typically does not celebrate the young adult who puts their career and personal interests ahead of romance, but instead wonders why they’re single and if they use self-reliance as a cover for loneliness.
But hey, isn’t it just biology? Aren’t all young people trying to score anyway? First of all, no, that’s just unreasonable. Second of all, even if that is the case, civilized people can have self-control over certain urges and at least work to put mind over body where it makes sense. Earlier eras of humanity were subject to the whims of “biology”, when men were allowed to rape and pillage to their heart’s content. That worked out really well, right?
Joking aside, I’m sick of wasting my time trying to meet women, only to have the few who express any interest tell me how we’re not compatible, or that they don’t feel the same way they initially did. The young women I’m most attracted to are, inevitably, the most self-assured and driven. Women like them tend not to date insecure guys still trying to figure out their path (unless they like to “fix” guys, which never ends up going smoothly), since it’s exhausting to see somebody unhappy or sabotaging their potential. It’s probably more worth my time to develop some self-reliance, figure out where my life is going, stabilize my income (or at least accept its instability in a weak economy), and learn to be fully happy with myself – if anything, a greater sense of self-worth is more attractive to women, and that’s a lesson any young man should take to heart.
Of course, at some point, I might have to abandon this position. I’d like to think that I’m dogmatic, but circumstances change and I might find someone with whom I’m really compatible. In that instance, I’ll probably kick myself for having made any conclusions about dating and romance at such a young age and go into my next relationship with my tail between my legs (and hoping she never reads this piece). Until then, you can find me on my personal island, where I invite anybody with an open mind to come and hang out.
This piece was generously sent to Guyhood by a contributor who would like to remain anonymous.
Image Via: Flickr/Daquella Manera
I’m taking an indefinite break from dating, for about a year so far… Mainly because: a) I have plenty of stuff to do as it is, including upping my earnings so I can afford to date. b) For various reasons I am sexually / romantically compatible with only a small % of women, which is a pain c) I have no intention of co-habiting / marrying or having kids under existing family law in my country, which further narrows down the % of women I might otherwise be compatible with (lots are looking to “settle down”. Not happening.) d) Having… Read more »
This is great. I think most of the intelligent and driven women you’re talking about who read this would really like this. I hope your next girlfriend reads it. Plus it’s good reverse psychology…although I’m sure that was not your intention.
I started dating two years after my divorce; never dated before that. My relationships before started out after a friendship etc. Dating wore me out, because I never fulfilled any man I met expectations. I know some women do this as well, but I am talking about my experience with men always looking for that magical perfect woman who is not only attractive, but always agree to these men’s desire. I do not consider myself ugly, but I am a latino petite 4’11” with an accent and her opinions. In no way I can compete with the idea of a… Read more »
I always had better luck with women when I went out looking to have a good time and found someone to date rather than looking for someone to date and hoping to have a good time. Like those articles on men being needed as opposed to wanted. Date because you want to, not because you need to.
I always felt that dating was awful and my only forays into online dating were miserable. I’d rather meet people and build relationships through work or hobbies. “Dating” is highly artificial and can definitely wear away at your self esteem.
I wish more guys had the awareness to realize they need to spend time getting themselves together before trying to be with another person. I personally needed a two year period in my 20s to get myself together before I could entertain the idea of dating. I knew a lot of guys who were not in great shape who continued dating and made some girls really miserable in the process. You definitely should not feel alone and more people should do what you are doing, for the sake of their partners.
This is called MGTOW. Its very interesting to see it appearing, as predicted – in the mainstream.
Is this really MGTOW? My impression of that movement (correct me if I’m wrong) is that it is a misogynistic one that is founded on some inaccurate picture of women and feminism as controlling men. The writer seems aware of his place and systematic privilege as a man, and understands a need to grow instead of blaming or admonishing others. I could be wrong about MGTOWs philosophies, but that’s what I get from reading about it.
Is this really MGTOW? My impression of that movement (correct me if I’m wrong) is that it is a misogynistic one that is founded on some inaccurate picture of women and feminism as controlling men. The writer seems aware of his place and systematic privilege as a man, and understands a need to grow instead of blaming or admonishing others. I could be wrong about MGTOWs philosophies, but that’s what I get from reading about it. That is only a part of the picture. Men that go the other way do so for various reasons, some based on deciding they… Read more »
To say its misogynistic would mean that all marriages or relationships are being ended because of women hating men not wanting to be controlled any more. Sure there maybe are some that are women haters but to my knowledge relationships end for other reasons majority of the time. MGTOW is not misogynistic it’s just continued frustration of men being fed up with dating and going their own way. To say a phenomenon that is actually going on is misogynistic is wrong.
Johnny
It’s definitely MGTOW, and MGTOW isn’t limited to the picture a certain dishonest, quote mining blogger paints.
What’s interesting is you can put those letters together and make it past the moderators.
Loved reading this – how I wish more people could just be themselves and connect with others this way and not be “trying it on” as often as possible. Self-love, I think, is where better relationships come from and from this evolves much better intimate relationships. Thank you!
@Nellie Lynne…
“…how I wish more people could just be themselves and connect with others this way and not be “trying it on” as often as possible.”
You are a voice of reason Nellie. There is always going to be someone else to “try on.”
Serial dating is arrested development!
I feel your pain! I was in your shoes at one time. Not to worry, it will happen and when it does you’ll be wondering why you got yourself so worked up in the first place.in this era if independence people are settling down later in life. The last I recall the magic number for women is 29 and men 32. I remember getting so frustrated that it led to anger. In my late 20’s I realized that I let women control too much of happiness and that is something that is too much to ask of anyone to do.… Read more »
I feel the same way… I’m 28 and only date someone if it seems likely to become a committed relationship. That doesn’t happen very often, so most of the time that means I’m not dating at all and don’t get the benefits of dating/hooking up like affection and sex. I do make a point to have emotionally intimate friendships with men and women, but I do not benefit from the same amount of intimacy and shared emotional experience that I would have if I was dating someone. But, its the clear choice for me to wait and go without these… Read more »
Maybe it won’t happen to me? You obviously failed to see the lady in the pic with me. That is my wife and we’re expecting our first child in two months. I’ve been in his situation before like I mentioned in my message, so I was just telling him things that helped me in hopes it might help him. He’s a big boy, he can take it or leave it. Thanks for your concern though.
Dating is tough, no doubt, and norms and ideals really haven’t changed much since the 1950s. I haven’t quit dating, but I’ll only date someone if I really want to. And at age 40 I’m better able to spot red flags, which means often I don’t want to. I think at 23 it’s much harder for men because women that age have tons more options. They can date older men, but 23 year old men usually don’t date older women – and obviously younger is out of the question. And I think online dating is a scam, much like gambling:… Read more »
Good for you for honouring where you are right now. There is nothing to say that that position doesn’t change in 5 min, 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months. That doesn’t make what you want right now, wrong. I hope your future girlfriend does see this piece. A man that speaks his truth and takes action is hot, especially when it’s not dictated by what others and society tells him he should do. Good for you for doing what is difficult, looking within yourself and realizing, “Damn, I gotta clean out my self before I can let others in”.… Read more »
best article ive read in a long time. very thoughtful and accurate
Welcome to the MGTOW.
I agree. You probably will have to change your position in the future. But right now any self assured or driven girl that expresses any kind of response is just how incompatible we are. The only relationship I will ever have is the one with the tail between my legs, so until that day comes, all the best!
Good for you! Dating’s the worst. Even if you eventually decide to go out with someone you don’t have to date.