Have hopeful paramours become increasingly fragile in accepting the truth of lackluster chemistry? Ben Dutka alleges it’s okay admit when you’re not feeling it.
—
The challenge of whether we have a right to our feelings of attraction (or not) to relationship prospects has been a pet peeve of mine from the moment I started dating.
Why is this always such a popular question? Why is who you are attracted to called into question at all? Hey, I grew up with Disney movies, too, and I was a fan of Beauty and the Beast, but only because of all the cool animated characters and some of the songs. Even as a young boy, I never bought into the premise that you could overcome absent chemistry and as I got older, the message really started to grate. On the surface, it appears to be exactly the right philosophy to promote; that in fact, what’s inside matters most.
And it does.
I’m not about to dispute the importance of personality and morals. I’m not here to tell you that physical attraction is the catalyst, the point around which every relationship revolves. Obviously, that isn’t true. I will also add looks matter more to younger individuals because as we grow up, we automatically begin to value other factors. Call it the waning sex drive, call it maturity, call it what you will, but those seeking a life partner in their 40’s are far more likely to appreciate that which lies beneath the skin.
Even then, though, attraction matters. Looks matter because we’re human. Granted, having someone say, “I’m just not attracted to you” is painful, no matter what age you are, but it’s hardly life-crushing. Here’s one dating rejection perspective I can really get behind, as it says what I’ve been going on about for years: There’s a nationwide self-image or self-esteem epidemic that results in these massive bouts of depression and anxiety that are, in point of fact, unnecessary. Think more of yourself, understand what you have to offer, recognize that you are attractive in many ways to others, and above all else, acknowledge that rejection is part of life.
Not everyone is going to dig you and it’s perfectly fine.
Attraction is part of life. One of the reasons I don’t get upset over the “I’m not attracted to you” rejection is because it’s okay. Ladies, you’re allowed to feel that way. You’re not a shallow person because you’re not attracted to me and you needn’t apologize for how your body reacts. It’s important and to say it isn’t is beyond naïve; it’s living in the past with all those Disney movies that unabashedly lied to us. Okay, okay, it’s not a bad thing but adults should be able to differentiate between reality and fantasy, correct?
Attraction is very real. It’s a science. And if attraction is real and critically important to any romantic relationship, isn’t it just absurd to say, “Looks don’t matter?” People have been harping on it for years to sound more enlightened, as if they’re operating on a higher plane of existence. And yeah, you would have to be operating above us all if you truly didn’t care. But you’re lying. We all know you’re lying. In my experience, those who claim they care nothing for a partner’s looks are actually more obsessed with looks than anyone else.
A classic case of overcompensation if I ever saw one.
In a world where you’re essentially not allowed to say a person with a particular physique is unattractive, where saying you find tattoos off-putting is interpreted as being “narrow-minded,” it’s becoming harder and harder to say you’re not attracted to someone. Assumptions are made if you even hint looks had something to do with a rejection. We’ll soon reach the point where we’re not allowed to say anything in regards to rejecting another individual, whether it’s in a romantic or professional capacity. We’ve long since been rattling off remarks like, “You’re not a good fit for us” as opposed to “You can’t do the job.” More kowtowing to a society with a crippling problem of self.
And it’s bleeding into the world of dating and love, which is why younger individuals are resorting to silence for rejection purposes. They’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, as is everyone. Pretty soon, you’ll just get one of those form letters prospective employers send you in the mail if you didn’t get the job, when you don’t get the date. Can we please start admitting looks matter, that they’ll always matter (at least to some degree) and that if we aren’t attracted to someone, that’s sort of a problem for the future of the partnership? That if we keep trying to save everyone’s increasingly fragile feelings, we’ll never progress?
It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just the way things are.
__
Photo credit: Getty Images
In my experience, a lot of men are afraid to approach or compliment females anymore. Perish the thought it might be at work. I have seen too many men dragged down to HR and fired for innocently complimenting a female. This trains men to avoid females both inside and outside work. They fear they will be seen as creepy or rapey. At work I have had females friends ask me if I like their new outfit or hair. I say I don’t know and walk away. In social situations have seen females almost throw themselves at men (myself included) and… Read more »
Wow! Thanks for saying all this, and not pulling punches in the way you call out the lying liars who say things are otherwise.
Hey, if the vast majority of women are allowed to put a minimum height requirement in their dating profiles, then I’m allowed to say whatever the hell I want.
Good article but BTW it’s spelled kowtowing, not cow towing, although thinking about towing a cow did make me laugh.