After attempting suicide he learned four principles that helped manage his depression.
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The crashing waves in the distance creates a view shaded in mist. I’ve just swallowed a dozen antidepressant pills in hopes of ending my torment. I patiently wait as my life slowly ticks away but at least the view is gorgeous. No better way to die then overlooking the Maui sea as its ocean fragrance surrounds me.
People say your life flashes before you when you’re nearing death. That major life events scroll through your mind like a projector. In the end, my thoughts were drawn to the significant people in my life. My grandparents who raised me like a son and taught me what it meant to be a productive adult. My mother who showed true love by offering me a better opportunity in life by letting me live with her parents. The siblings I wished I had a better relationship with. The girl that taught me that joy can be found in family relationships.
Like a gasoline on a fire those recurring words spurned my desire to sit and wait for death.
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I imagined each individual sitting with me as I struggled to ask for forgiveness and understanding. Of course I understood that they would never hear the words I spoke to them that day. That wasn’t the point. I just needed to express the feelings that was welling up inside and because of that something unexpected happened. The people I loved responded with profound kindness.
“Life is not better without you.”
Like a gasoline on a fire those recurring words spurned my desire to sit and wait for death. Instead I moved forward and luckily toward the road where my siblings were searching for me. Thankfully they found and rushed me to the hospital where I received treatment and would later find the inspiration needed to live with purpose.
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Why are some people lucky while others seem to have drawn the short straw of life?
I was told by the doctor that I was lucky. I hadn’t taken enough pills for it to be fatal, which didn’t seem to stop him from making me drink a charcoal-like concoction that looked as if it had a better chance of causing my death than the pills ever had. In addition my attempted suicide also triggered the counseling I needed and signaled to everyone in my life that I was in need of support. This of course would lead to my gradual road back from feeling hopeless to having a bright outlook on the future.
No one deserves to get cancer or win a million dollars.
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Since that day I’ve wondered why I didn’t die. I had tried to commit suicide twice and failed both times. There are many who try once and it’s over. No second chances let alone a third chance. Why was I so lucky?
Bad things happen to everyone. Good and bad people. Young and old. White and colored. No one is immune to the struggles this earthly life presents. Sometimes we make the mistake in viewing our blessings or curses as a punishment or reward for our actions in life. In reality there are many things that happen to us that have no bearing on our own actions. No one deserves to get cancer or win a million dollars.
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Does that mean we have no power over our lives?
In my opinion we have great power over every situation we face. We may not always have the ability to choose what happens to us but we can choose how we react to a situation. For instance, I grew up with a father who psychologically abused me and threatened to kill me on multiple occasions. I’ve seen him torture my mother emotionally until she was a shell of her former self. When I was a teenager these situations in my life slowly killed me because I chose to react by blaming myself, which resulted in self hate that led to depression, which sent me on a road toward attempting suicide.
Ever since I’ve accepted my bad experiences as learning opportunities I’ve been able to move forward in my life.
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I was able to overcome these past experiences through changing how I viewed them. I’ve come to accept and learn that those difficult experiences have had a positive affect in my life. My experience has taught me to have compassion for those dealing with domestic violence, child abuse and depression. I’ve even used these bad experiences as tools as a counselor because it helps me relate to my clients, which adds more weight to my opinion. In addition, the rough patches of life has served as a motivational tool to drive me toward success. In the end, I’ve been able to use the bad luck of the past to fuel my good luck today.
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Ever since I’ve accepted my bad experiences as learning opportunities I’ve been able to move forward in my life. I still struggle with suicidal ideation, depressive moods and negative self talk but instead of allowing it to consume me I remind myself of the success I had in the past dealing with these issues. Doing this gives me the confidence to look out into the darkness and say, “Thank you”.
So if you are at a point in your life as I was when I looked over that ocean I want you to remember these four things:
1. Life is not better without you.
2. You can control your reaction to life. You can choose life or death.
3. When you start the recovery process look outward and use your experiences to help others.
4. Find ways to use your experience to inspire and drive you.
I have applied these things and I know that if you do you can overcome the issues that you face and make it on the other side with greater hope and strength.
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Photo: Flickr/pedro alves
This is beautifully written and helpful. I am glad you were a failure because the world is better with you in it!
Thank you for sharing your story. I had thoughts of suicide when I was in college. It’s hard to live up to your own expectations of yourself when you see everyone around you succeed on certain levels on their life. I think how I got through it is not to compare myself and look to a higher power for guidance. I have a podcast called Diversity dad that showcases dads that have been through a unique situation in their lives and how they took that and made their life better. I would love to have you on the show. Email… Read more »
Hey Jama’l. Thanks for the feedback. You’re right. We’re able to move forward when we realize that we are all on different journey’s. Some are further along then others but it’s not a race. The purpose of life is to fulfill the potential gifts we’ve been given. If we do that then we’ve already won. I would love to talk to you about being on your show, please email me at [email protected] if you’re still interested.
Thanks Keola for sharing your story. You never know what’s going on in a persons life when you meet them and what challenges and trials they’re going through. I had no idea you were going to this 12 years ago and I’m glad that we were able to become friends. You’ve always been a great, caring guy who wants to make the world a better place. Keep spreading your sunshine!