You let someone into your life, knowing all along that they could wake up and change their mind. But Nate Bagley has decided it’s time to assume the best of others.
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Here’s the thing: Being in a relationship is terrifying, because being in a relationship means you have to trust someone. Implicitly. With everything. With your heart. With your dreams. With your fears. With your weaknesses. With your future and your past. All the parts of yourself that you love and hate. Everything.
You’re letting them into your life in good faith. The hope is that this person won’t wake up one morning and change their mind… or worse, take it upon themselves to sabotage your entire life while taking shots at your greatest vulnerabilities on the way out.
I mean, that’s why love is so scary, right? We are basically willingly giving someone access to the emotional equivalent of our browser history, and every day they decide to stick around is a sigh of relief that they haven’t decided to blackmail you… yet.
And that’s why we’re all so guarded. Because we’ve trusted before. We’ve opened up. And then we got burned. And with each new attempt at trust, we become a little more guarded. We open up a little less, and a little less. And suddenly we have become someone we’re not. We’ve become a shell of ourselves, hiding behind the barriers of cynicism and spite.
Suddenly we are using every act of infidelity, every unkind word, every kind deed gone unnoticed, as bricks of validation in the ever-growing walls of anti-vulnerability that we are building around us.
“See? He cheated! I was right! You can’t trust men.”
*BRICK*
“She shot me down. She didn’t even give me a chance. What a bitch.”
*BRICK*
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
*BRICK*
With each brick we quietly reassure ourselves that we don’t need anyone else. That our life is better, happier, more free from pain, resentment, and hurt when we live alone behind these walls. Every unfortunate act is used as proof that we’re right to remain within our fortress of bitterness and resentment. And we all know how good it feels to be right.
The problem is that when you’re living this way, you’re not right. You’re wrong. But we don’t like to be proven wrong…
I think it’s time for a change.
This trust – that thing we’re all so scared of… the one we’re all doing such a good job hiding from – is the foundation of love. So, here we sit behind our walls, cowering and lonely. Each one of us is waiting for love to break through the layers of skepticism and bitterness and doubt that we’ve spent so much time erecting for ourselves. We want love to fight its way to us without having to risk or expose ourselves to pain and betrayal.
And yet, as long as the walls stand, love cannot, and will not find you.
The only solution is for you to destroy the walls from the inside.
You must begin to trust again. Trust everyone. Trust them until they show you they can’t be trusted. And then trust them one more time for good measure. Trust them until it hurts. Because, guess what? Despite the fact that yes, sometimes it will hurt, people are generally good, and kind, and loving. Their goodness will surprise you. You’ll start to see it pop up around you everywhere you go.
It takes courage to live without the walls. You are courageous.
It takes strength to be the first to trust. You are strong.
It takes heart to risk being hurt for a shot at love. You have heart.
It’s time to approach relationships with the expectation that you can trust someone fully, and that you, in turn, can be trusted fully. It’s time to assume the best in others. It’s time to let them prove you right over and over again. Because being proven right is so much better than being proven wrong.
Originally appeared at The Loveumentary
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Some people are just not made for relationships. But that’s not to say their lives are deprived of love. On the contrary. Romantic love is only ONE KIND OF LOVE. It will change, it wil fade. Like everything else. Such is life! Holding out for only one kind of love is like looking at only one side of a diamond. No sparkle. Good article though Nate. I get what you mean. And you say it well, although romantic love is much too messy and soul-destroying for free spirits like myself. I kind of revel in the fact that I don’t… Read more »
YES!!!!! THANK YOU! Freeing up brain space especially. Have a great social life, love my books & dog. Sitting here on a snowy afternoon enjoying the solitude. Peace.
This is great. Exactly what’s been on my mind for a very long time now, especially recently. How I just want to be alone forever and not even make new friends much less be with another man because I am tired of being betrayed. Excellent writing and excellent message.
Thanks! With great risk comes the possibility of great reward. Be brave. Risk love.
Beautiful. I’m there. Thank you for this…
Really relevant comment for me. Someone who I felt very close to and had been going out with for 3 months recently ended our relationship citing sexual frustration because she said she felt I did not initiate sex enough. She left me about 2 months ago. I have been devastated actually. I felt scapegoated me for the breakdown of the relationship because I am in recovery from sex addiction (even though I was faithful I sometimes struggle with sexual anorexia intimacy which is a trauma residue from previous acting out behaviours – i am sober from all bottom lines for… Read more »
Hi anonymous
Well said:
.✺ “But it is disappointing when someone you feel is basically sensitive and empathetic is callous precisely in the area where you are not only most vulnerable but also making the most effort to rectify”✺
The worst possible combination of two persons.
“But it is disappointing when someone you feel is basically sensitive and empathetic is callous precisely in the area where you are not only most vulnerable but also making the most effort to rectify.” I think that the reason for this is that also for her this was/is her most vulnerable area – you mentioned that she also has experienced sexual trauma. Quite possibly it all got too much for her at that point in time. Both of you might need someone who is more stable in that area, so that they can “catch you when you fall”, so to… Read more »
“We have opened up… Then we got burned….” This hurts most from the family members and long time friends that one is closest to…. At this point, I still have blisters on my fingers from getting too close to certain people…. It still hurts….! But I realize the signs were already there from the beginning about the psychopathic person….it would have been healthier for me to just keep my distance or limit contact (or just end the relationship) earlier on….Breaking things off is a lot cleaner and less confusing…. I have been too trusting and assumed that certain people were… Read more »
It’s about timing, too. Someone may not e ready for a relationship and has to get to a point where they are–and then all the cards fall in the right place. Gotta let your guard down and until you are ready to do that, it’s moot.
Very good article, Nate. Thank you.
I do however think that it’s a fallacy to assume that love is out there just because people are good, kind, and trusting.
This is so true and exactly what I needed to read. I’m 25 and expect that my boyfriend will propose soon. Instead of happily awaiting the big question I am terrified, to the point of tears. I’m scared of loving and losing. I’m scared that we will have kids and then he will leave. He’s a great man and I have no reason to think these things but i have heard so many horror stories.
Anyways, you nailed it. I’m going to read this again when I get worried. Thank you!
Love the article Nate. Without risk there is no reward, plus all trust issues start with yourself. Still trusting everyone versus trusting no one are both extremes that bring about similar problems. Combine that openness with curiosity instead, and you’ll see and hear everything you need to help you more powerfully assess if, when, how and for how long you want to emotionally invest in the relationship.
What a beautifully written article. Thank You.
Thanks!
Sounds a lot like desensitizing yourself to heartbreak.