Papa Bear is a bumbling fool. And TV dads are lovable losers who sometimes save the day. Only in America.
—
Two decades ago, my husband came to America from Amsterdam to find me, because he’d seen my photo and knew we were destined to be together. Ron lived in America for two years before we moved to the Netherlands.
I asked a handful of Dutch men, and none had heard of male bashing or knew why there would be such a thing.
|
One of his first observations about his new environment came through the children’s books in my house. Why was Papa Berenstain clumsy and over-reactive? And why was he portrayed as a poor husband and dad? And why did Mama Bear always remain calm, discipline well, get everything right and save the day? And most importantly, why was I reading this to my sons?
I’d never thought about it. Lots of children’s books are like that. Ron also wanted to know why TV sitcom dads finally, in the last few minutes of the show, got to be heroes – but first they had to be goofballs and even losers.
This stereotyping of males was new to him because his country doesn’t have a male bashing culture. I asked a handful of Dutch men, and none had heard of male bashing or knew why there would be such a thing.
Women who feel good about themselves don’t sit around telling their girlfriends how bad their husbands are.
|
In Western Europe, people generally have what they need. It would be hard to find under-educated children or people without access to good healthcare in the northern countries. And it seems to result in a more contented and peaceful perspective.
When life is a struggle, there are more ups and downs, and the stress can result in blaming others for what’s wrong in life. And making people wrong builds negative stereotypes.
When we have self-worth and self-respect, we don’t need to criticize or blame. Women who feel good about themselves don’t sit around telling their girlfriends how bad their husbands are. And men who feel good about themselves don’t hurt people.
We have the power to not participate. Acknowledging what we’re doing, whenever we catch ourselves doing it, causes it to lose power over us. And we begin to rise above the tendency.
Imagine an America where people don’t know what bashing is! We all deserve that, especially the next generation.
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
—
Photo: Getty Images
Masculinity has become a dirty word and any sign of male competence must be quashed to dissolve the threat to women. You can rise to the top by excelling at something; or by pushing those around you down. There is a university professor in Canada (female) that wants her female students to be allowed to ask questions first. This reminds me of when i would let my kids ‘beat’ me at arm wrestling or answer a question first when of course i knew the answer. Its just another way of infantilizing women – does no one any good in the… Read more »
I live in Norway and we have the same. Last year there was an article in one of the biggest newspapers where some filmmakers expressed concern that in Norwegian children movies the boys where always the stupid ones and was bashed and humiliated by the girls. I have had mothers complain to me about the same.
“Women who feel good about themselves don’t sit around telling their girlfriends how bad their husbands are. And men who feel good about themselves don’t hurt people.”
Not remotely a fan of the implications here. Is the author being tongue-in-cheek, creating a subtle illustration of Western society’s bias against men? Or is the author really that blind to the extent of their own internalized bias (the very issue they’re writing about)?
On TV you see a lot of “male-bashing” in the literal sense, not just the figurative sense. Watch all nine years of _Everybody Loves Raymond_, one of the most popular shows of all time, and tally up how many times Debra strikes Ray. I guess it’s supposed to be funny when she drops him to the floor with an elbow to his groin. Or pours boiling tomato sauce onto his lap. Yay. Domestic violence.
This is not just about stereotypes of incompetence. This is also about actual violence against men.
I wonder if other parts of Europe are more similar to American culture in that way. For example, Mediterranean areas of Europe, i.e., places more stereotyped as “macho” cultures. Somehow I doubt that there’s a single “European” view of gender. Lisbon isn’t Moscow, and Athens isn’t Paris. Even in Northern Europe there are still differences. I’ve seen quite a few Swedish TV shows, and invariably the men are bungling, macho, and incompetent as fathers and husbands, almost always worse employees than the women they work with. The difference can’t be boiled down to modern-day feminism. There’s subtle male-bashing in the… Read more »
Keith2 – you said “It won’t be until men boycott certain businesses for their man-bashing ways and get mad like the women did over the stereotypes that we’ll see any improvement”
Men don’t have the economic clout to boycott most businesses or corporations. Women spend 82 cents of every dollar in America and by the end of this decade will own outright 2/3s of the country’s wealth. That’s why advertisers direct their ad campaigns at females – and why male boycotts aren’t so effective. Most men just turn their paychecks over to their wives….
This really isn’t a surprise at all and is a reminder of how the 20/20 special from long ago, “The Merchants of Cool” still resonates to be today. The issue is more about why doesn’t society promote maturity? I think the answer especially in regards to America is that the powers that be want us to always Buy Buy Buy! We as a society are taught that girls should be pretty and smart (midriffs); guys, strong, affable, and stupid (mooks). Always also worshiping youth and never maturity. A mature society buys less, focuses on quality not quantity. Smart mature fathers… Read more »
I know that Hollywood used to get lots of mileage out of portraying women as dumb and helpless and men as prideful and ineffectual at home and it worked for years on television and movies. The women’s movement came along and made portraying negative stereotypes of women into box office poison. Hollywood, never one to stray very far from a comedy formula that worksd, quickly ramped up the bumbling man angle to take the place of women as the foil for their humor and no one had to think very hard. Men have been taught to never complain about their… Read more »
We Americans always seem to go to extremes, while it would seem Europeans tend to be much more low key in general. When it comes to something like social justice and cultural evolution, we just go crazy. The traditionalists and the progressives pull hard against each other, and the loudest voices are the most extreme on both sides. Sometimes it’s a little embarrassing.
We should bear in mind that Americans do not have the monopoly on self-congratulation. European men are prone to be self-congratulatory when it comes to gender dynamics. (I’m not saying they don’t have good reasons to, just that we should take their comments with a grain of salt.) Ask Dutch women feminists about how gender-equal the Netherlands is, and you may get a very different answer.
As for European level-headedness, that may not be so evident in their current reaction to what is in reality a TINY number of Syrian immigrants today.
I agree with this whole-heartedly. And I LOVE that it is proven by someone from another country massively noticing it!
Love and support your men ladies. Bashing men is not feminism. It is willful victimhood. (And bullying.)
I also really liked reading an outsiders perspective on this. I’ve been asking myself similar questions recently. I find it frustrating sometimes that people seem to have already judged me as just another bumbling barely there father before I even open my mouth.
When I visit the hospital for my daughter’s appointments the reception desk always wants to speak to the mother, as if I can’t provide her birth date and health card number.
Definitely something that I’d like to work towards changing.
Andrew,
“When I visit the hospital for my daughter’s appointments the reception desk always wants to speak to the mother, as if I can’t provide her birth date and health card number. ”
I live in Sweden,which from time to time is labeled the most gender-equal/neutral country in the world, but most of my friends who have kids experience exactly what you describe here, on a regular basis.
Nicely put, “willful victimhood.” I think so many people prefer to dwell in their misery, using their oppressed status to occupy the moral high ground, rather than moving to reach equal footing.
Seriously, great article! This asks a good question. I just hope the Moderators let the potential answers through.
Some of the worst bashers of men are other men.
Many on this site!
And of course I was m’d because I typed the word
Wow, was it not only M’d but it was removed …
So let’s try this … I said that many men are (you know what) on this site.
You know it’s really a shame , actually more of a ‘tease’, They publish an article that asks a very good question, and this site that says they care about men chokes off any response that doesn’t fit in certain pre-determined ideological parameters.
and most people who ‘slut shame’ are women. (although of course men are blamed) so Whats your point?
Are all people that slut shame women also women?
NO , all women know men also do that .
Why do you think many men prefer virgins or near-virgins?
Why do you think many men prefer to date women with a sexual history of less sex partners than themselves?
It sounds like you know the answer which is good because we’re assuming that we won’t be allowed to reply.
No it is just my opinion.
8ball didn’t say all women(you did), he said many
Silke, do you know the word “most” is not the same as “all”
And seeing as I never said “all” Your entire comment to me is pointless
You can’t sell anything for which there is not a market.
Well considering colleges are currently informing students that certain people have the right to ‘bash’ others, i’m not really holding my breath.
“Why is America the Home of Male Bashing?” Is that a rhetorical question? We know why and we know why it continues. Nice that it hasn’t hit other countries that way it has here.
Tom, I don’t know why. Please enlighten me. I’ve always assumed it was somehow connected to the Feminist movement. I’d really like to know.
WOW! How’d you say that without getting ‘Moderated’ out!
Joybean
The feminist movement exist all over the word, but in different ways.
You can be sure there is feminists
in Amsterdam too .
Hi Tom
I do not know why, so please inform me and all others that do not know.
Really silke, it’s so not like you to be taunting! You’ve been on this site long enough to know that if Tom went any further spelling it out, it would disappear in the abyss called moderation. certain groups are not allowed to be mentioned unless they’re being praised here.
bobbt
NO honestly I do not know why men is bashed in the U.S, because we have feminism in so many countries all over the world so why are men bashed in America and not so much other places?
If you and Tom think it is caused by the American variety of feminism then tell us.
And maybe Tom think there is another explanation to this sad phenomena.
Don’t fall for it Tom. In the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar, it’s a trap.
What’s next, answering why peanut butter and chocolate work so well together? Once it gets started it will never end…
I didn’t … Everyone knows who I meant.