Emily Heist Moss surveyed friends, strangers, and GMP readers about cunnilingus. What she found was intimacy, insecurity and the “ick factor.”
To write this article on cunnilingus, I created a mini-survey to get some perspectives from Good Men Project readers, Twitter followers, Facebook friends and a bunch of total strangers. I threw “box job”—as Dan Savage once described the act—in the title simply because, sad as it seems, I assumed that that the technical term (which is derived from the Latin words for vulva and tongue) wasn’t widely known.
Boy, oh boy, I did not know what I was getting into with that title! In the general comments field, about a quarter of respondents took me to task for my word choice. Hank wrote, “I think the term ‘box job’ is horrible because it takes away the slow sensuality that usually characterizes cunnilingus.” Marisa added, “I sincerely hope the term ‘box job’ does NOT catch on. I very much dislike the word Box as a euphemism for vagina because there is nothing boxy whatsoever about my vagina or any vagina.” Apologies to all, in discussing the responses, I’ll stick to cunnilingus!
♦◊♦
What was I trying to learn by surveying friends and strangers about their oral sex opinions and hang-ups? Not technique, I promise; I leave that to each of you to perfect with your partners. In a world where Axe body spray ads stretch the definition of “innuendo” and fellatio-hinting commercials make superstars out of phallic objects, I wanted to devote a little page space to the other oral sex. I’m not suggesting that blowjobs should dominate the airwaves, but since they often do, I think it’s worth considering why cunnilingus gets such little coverage in pop culture. Are we embarrassed by it? Do we think it’s gross? Does it cross an intimacy line that culturally we’re not ready or willing to discuss?
I was surprised, and I must say, disappointed, to read that most of the “that’s so gross” responses came from the ladies. Marisa is a 23-year-old who married her high school sweetheart. Even though her husband “loves performing,” Marisa thinks she’ll never be 100% comfortable with cunnilingus, “Every time before I engage, my brain has to go over this hurdle of ‘Ew, he’s putting his mouth down there?’” Other women pointed out that genitalia is associated with…teehee…waste, and that consequently putting your mouth anywhere near it is obviously disgusting. I wish I’d interviewed these women in person so I could follow up with their views on fellatio. They are aware that pee comes out of penises, too, right? The popularity of blowjobs doesn’t seem to have been affected by this biological fact, so why does it deter cunnilingus?
The issue of cleanliness comes up over and over again, both in its literal meaning and in regards to hair (or the lack of it). Miranda, 33, wrote: “I’m sure many women are in the same spot as I am on this topic: am I clean enough?” As Emma points out, “Anyone who’s given a blow job knows that guys don’t always smell/look/taste so good down there, so it would be silly to think that we do.” Cultural mythology, however, tells us that guys are supposed to be a little gross; it’s what makes them so manly! Stinky, sweaty, hairy, dirty… it’s just boys being boys, right? Ladies, on the other hand, are supposed to be dainty and pristine, with nary a hair out of place. We are supposed to smell like roses, and if we sweat, it should be in cute little droplets on our brow. The kind of human messiness that is acceptable for men is deemed unnatural and unladylike for women. The fact that we’re all made of the same stuff—skin and hair—doesn’t seem to matter.
Maddy, 32 and married, wrote, “I’m typically not body conscious but I cannot stand to receive oral sex. I’m afraid I smell, I’m afraid I’ll pass gas, I’m afraid that they won’t do a good job and I won’t like it and it grosses me out to kiss afterwards.” Lady after lady responded that while they physically enjoy the sensation of cunnilingus, they are too concerned with how they look, smell, and taste to “really get into it.” Do guys worry about this stuff? You all aren’t always spotless, you know, and yet somehow it seems like you’re capable of enjoying oral sex just fine. Do guys have insecurities about the appeal of their junk (besides size, which we’ve covered)? If so, how do you put those concerns out of mind in order to enjoy the action down below? How can you teach your ladies to do the same?
Beyond aesthetics, a lot of women reported being self-conscious about all the attention they were receiving. Janet, a married 33-year-old, wrote “In a way it almost seems like a ‘luxury’ that I should be able to live without. I feel guilty that it is so ‘me’ focused.” Marisa, the newlywed, expressed anxiety about how often her husband wanted to go down on her, “Honestly, it would be a relief if my partner only wanted to do it every once in a while, because that’s about how often I’m actually into the idea. As to how I handle the imbalance that exists between my husband, who loves performing it and wants it often, and me, I’d say I usually just go with it. What can I say? I guess I’m sort of a pushover in bed.”
Men wrote about feeling powerful when they could bring their partner to orgasm, and disappointed when they’re technique wasn’t working. 23-year-old Kevin wrote about girlfriends who weren’t comfortable with cunnilingus, “I privately felt a little guilty about getting a blow job because I hadn’t been asked to reciprocate.” And a lot of guys echoed the sentiment of Martin, “There’s the simple and selfish truth that [cunnilingus] is a relatively effective way of ensuring I’ll be on the receiving end of an oral treat myself in the near future.” Is Martin right? Survey responses would suggest yes. A lot of women wrote about “fairness” and how receiving cunnilingus felt like a pleasurable way for a boyfriend to request fellatio. Some, however, felt like boyfriends were only tolerating the “unpleasant” act in order to earn a blowjob. Nicole, 29, wrote, “In the past, I have detested cunnilingus as it felt like a reciprocal chore my past lovers were performing.”
For a lot of women, cunnilingus is on a short list of sex acts for truly special partners. 50-year-old Sandra wrote, “It is extremely intimate and something that I do with a special partner whom I am very comfortable with. I look forward to it when the passion between my partner and I is high and shared.” I do wonder if these women feel that blowjobs are an equally intimate gesture. For younger women, I suspect that the preponderance of blowjob media exposure has made fellatio a routine part of hook-up culture, while cunnilingus is reserved for the “special someone.” I wouldn’t suggest that anyone should have either attitude towards oral sex—to each their own—only that the discrepancy between perceptions of male and female oral sex is problematic. When we normalize the type of sex that is male pleasure-centric and push the type of sex that is female-pleasure centric into the territory of “occasional treat,” we create a substantial imbalance.
♦◊♦
No partner should be compelled to perform any sex act because the media says we should like doing it. Obligatory action may get the job done, but do we really want our partners suffering through something they don’t enjoy? The list of ways to be sexual is ridiculously exhaustive, and ruling one thing off the menu shouldn’t ruin anyone’s experience.
That being said, fellatio has become a mainstay of pop culture portrayals of sex and an expected part of most hetero sexual encounters. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but there is something wrong when the reciprocal act is deemed “gross,” “unclean,” or “icky.” If putting your face in someone else’s lap gives you the heebie-jeebies (for whatever reason), then don’t do it. But, if you’re expecting someone else to put his or her face in your lap, then you really need to reassess your sense of fairness. And if you’re one of the heebie-jeebie types, it’s probably worth asking yourself where those icky feelings are coming from. This is the body you’re going to have for the rest of your life, so you might as well learn to have some fun with it.
—Photo stagshop/Flickr
About Emily Heist Moss
Munching rug is what life is all about my friends! WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT. I’m totally down on my woman. As often as possible in fact. I love to hear her scream. ;-D
And there’s nothing gross about it at all.
Going down on a woman is like when you were a kid and you lost a tooth in the back of your mouth. At first you were afraid to touch that fleshy, strange opening with you’re tongue. But once you start licking you end up loving it and can’t stop.
That last comment seriously made me laugh out loud. It’s a mildly nauseating metaphor but completely true!
That totally made my night. Thanks MoPrice!
One good way of easing into this activity is coupling up sixty-nine style. It can help reduce center stage anxiety – two busy mouths have less time to reflect. Center stage is quite wonderful, and that is my personal wish for world peace.
I’m glad this article tackled the fact that it’s mostly women (in my own humble experience) who have a problem with cunnilingus.
First of all, blowjobs may be a punch line in pop culture. But in my opinion, they are the Bigfoot of sexual encounters. Often talked about, seldom seen. All these women say “I love giving head,” but I had my share of sexual encounters in my younger days and most of these women are LYING! I, on the other hand, genuinely love going down on women. It’s fun and I enjoy it. I don’t do it specifically so I’ll get a blowjob, but a little reciprocation every once in a while would be nice. That’s just common courtesy.
But I have run into a bunch of women who just can’t handle someone going down on them. I’ll never understand it. I don’t care if a woman just came back from the gym. In fact, I think that’s even sexier. Maybe I’m just a freak. But seriously, these women need to get over their hang-ups because I’ve found a woman who doesn’t let herself enjoy oral sex tends to be vanilla in bed and the sex really suffers.
I don’t think (straight) guys realize how physically exhausting it can be to give a BJ. Personally, my neck cramps up, my jaw aches, and my lips get sore. I learned to give really good BJ’s to get them over with quickly! Don’t get me wrong, I love giving pleasure. But the pleasure for me is mental; physically it isn’t that much fun. I always wonder if guys feel the same way about giving oral sex to a woman. (Their necks can cramp too.) I worry a lot about how I smell, and I don’t want any guy to put his face down there unless I take a shower first. Guys do joke about that smell, so I don’t think this is just a “hang up” on my part. I certainly don’t want somebody going down there and thinking “yuck, wish she’d taken a shower!” when it’s too late.
These results are fascinating. So many women who aren’t into cunnilingus despite the fact that they’re supposed to be. Even a woman who went along with it for the sake of the guy.
I’m curious how the numbers broke down. Were the women who didn’t feel comfortable with it in the majority or just a large and vocal sub-group? How many women liked it but felt embarrassed and self-conscious versus didn’t really get much from it? How many didn’t like it because they thought it was going to be something they had to reciprocate? How many just wanted to save it for later intimacy?
What role did age play in all this? Were older women more comfortable in their skin as I might expect?
Before you conclude that there’s a huge imbalance in terms of giving oral sex, though, I think you need to ask the question directly of these women. I think there is a lot of pressure on young women to perform fellatio, but the question is are these women giving in to the pressure? Do they feel they have to please the guy but can turn down their own pleasure or are the women you interviewed women who wait for sex and/or are more able to express not wanting something than most women.
I’ve met very few women who aren’t wild for it, and some that seem much more interested in it than intercourse. I may have a biased sample, but I think it’s been a prelude to intercourse virtually any time I’ve had sex in the last 40 years or so. It’s more or less sure fire foreplay.
I think the man giving it needs to be calm, very turned on himself, not have in mind that it’s an “exchange” for felatio, and willing to keep doing it forever (at least seem so.) Cunnilingus, itself, needs foreplay– kissing and/or body stroking for minutes on end. Don’t dive on it right away.
Female partners have said that common problems are: too fast, not on the clit and lips, sucking the vulva or clit (in a bad way), too hard, rooting or wallowing in the vulva, etc.
Sixty-nine is more complicated. It should be done from the side, and depends on the couple’s ability to slowly synchronize breaths and strokes.
First, I’ve long liked “mouth-to-muff.” In my single life, I came to feel the most women weren’t comfortable with having a face between their legs until the relationship was really established: If a woman wasn’t comfortable with me seeing her without her makeup, she likely wouldn’t feel comfortable receiving oral sex.
I once overheard a woman talking to her girlfriends about a new beau. She praised his prowess in bed, except for one thing: he went about giving oral sex like he was “painting a fence.”
So guys, when you’re doing it, don’t think about painting a fence.
“Lady after lady responded that while they physically enjoy the sensation of cunnilingus, they are too concerned with how they look, smell, and taste to “really get into it.” Do guys worry about this stuff? You all aren’t always spotless, you know, and yet somehow it seems like you’re capable of enjoying oral sex just fine.”
I’ll chime in to say that I, for one, absolutely worry about this stuff. While the idea and basic physical sensations of fellatio are incredibly hot to me, actually receiving the act is fraught with these same issues. I worry that I’m not big enough, yes, but also that I’m too big, and thus uncomfortable for her. I worry that I stink horribly. That I’ve been lazy and selfish in waiting too long between shavings/trimmings, and thus have so much hair that I’m forcing my partner to suck and floss at the same time. I wonder if I’m being a selfish lover by getting into my oral sex, when cunnilingus performed on my wife does nothing for her. Etc., etc., etc.
I’m a woman, and I’ve never really cared for cunnilingus. I take a really long time to come, so I always, always end up faking it with partners during oral sex so that we can just move on already (because it’s become like some sort of badge of honor for men, they just don’t want to drop it until they can “make you scream”). And yeah, if you’re going to go down on a lady, no stubble please. It may look sexy, but it feels like sandpaper.
This is an issue of why I prefer women of later years–45-55, myself being 60. So many divorced women of this age have been “around the block” a few times, so to speak. They always seem to have a very definite sense of themselves at a level much higher than many younger women. They grew up in an age where they began to discover and speak out (Kinsey Report) about their own eroticism and sexual yearnings.And these past fifteen years of divorce have been really fun. I have known women who ask for and greatly participate in sexual adventures of their own choosing. I am especially fond of garter belts and stockings and they are in abundance with these ladies. (Many times wearing no panties under their dress with this lingerie..makes me crazy when they tell me as much over dinner) And female oral sex (cunnilingus) is something they all seem to crave and delight in. After a formal dinner or out for pizza..lots of small talk is a relaxing way to pass the evening. Dancing at home to the stereo, cheek to cheek, really gets the mood rolling. And here is what I discovered, these gals are not nearly as athletic as they once were, might have a few varicose veins, an incision from childbirth..something they might have some embarrassment about. But to a lady, they are ready to peel off as much clothing as needed, spread their legs wide open, to get what they want. We are both just a few hours past a long , hot shower, and I have seldom had any problem with odor. Matter of fact, it is fun to see how many ladies are into Brazilian shaves..no hair at all !!!! My issue is to provide pleasure to her without coercion or demanding a blow job in return. The orgasms of some of these gals would register on the Richter scale.. I either stay the evening if asked or get myself home late in the night. Now for me..some ,not all the time, I will get an invite a few days later to the ladies home, and be treated to the most exquisite blow jobs a man could ever wish for. And the sex at these sessions is even more incredible, because there is no worry about pregnancy AND ANY THING GOES !!!!
I am amazed, and a little saddened at how much of the talk centering on oral sex is either “Me” (do I smell/am I clean/will I make her/him/orgasm?) talk or the language of transactions (what do I have to give in order to get?). I know that is human nature, but really, so off the main point of mutually satisfactory intimate relations.
Cunnilingus is one of the most intimate gifts I can give my partner, and I never have given it just because I wanted fellatio. I enjoy giving it because it gives my partner pleasure, with no expectations other than to make her happy. To my mind, that is what good sex should be all about: giving intimacy and pleasure, without getting wrapped up in ego and self-absorption. And to be honest, there are times when I don’t feel like intercourse, but still want to give my partner pleasure.
Having said that, it can also be great fun to just get busy, as deeply and pleasurably as you can! I don’t worry about perfection, I accept my partner’s body as the gift that it is, in all its messy, glorious physicality. Yeah, cleanliness matters, size may matter, lack of blemishes may matter. But none of those is worth obsessing about, because obsessing over perfection, and putting your own wants too far ahead of your partner’s wants is guaranteed to lead to dissatisfaction. Why? Because you will never be happy.
Finally, I do wish that more balance was present in a broad cultural sense, and that ‘mainstream’ culture would emphasizing the supposedly “normal” masculine over the supposedly “unseemly” feminine, when it comes to portraying human desires. It isn’t fair and ultimately it feeds into a culture of constant dissatisfaction.
i feel compelled to balance the scales.
as a 41-yr old woman who has never been married, i can say that throughout years of a variety of experience i have never NOT wanted a man to go down on me. that said, sometimes when it became apparent that he just wasn’t going to “get” the subtleties of my instrument (even after gentle instruction), i wanted nothing more than to move on to other delights. but when it’s good, oh, praise god. the very idea of a man’s mouth between my legs sends pleasure up my spine. it probably doesn’t hurt that my very first giver was one of my biggest crushes and he looked up at me midst concert and said, “you are so beautiful.”
it’s a gift i intend to continue to receive with great appreciation. i never want to feel obligated to return the favor (those kind of men were rare, thankfully, and are now long in my past). i give often and enthusiastically, when i am inspired, too. i suppose i worry about cleanliness as much as any guy might. and, yes, please kiss me before, during and after.
If a woman feels ashamed or overly self-conscious of her genitals, I don’t understand how she could possibly consider herself empowered or liberated. She’s just playing according to the rules of the patriarchy. To feel pride in one’s body and an insistence on claiming one’s own pleasure is powerful in my book.
Most women require direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. One of the best ways to receive this is through having their partners perform cunnilingus on them. Other women prefer handjobs or vibrators. The method of getting there is irrelevant. What is important is losing the shame and being able to communicate to partners exactly what is required for them to receive pleasure.
Women have to learn how to communicate in an empowered way about their bodies and their sexuality. Don’t fake your orgasm. Tell your partner what works for you. If s/he refuses to listen or do what you request, then leave. You are NOT obliged to endure a bad sexual experience with a partner who doesn’t listen to you or attend to your pleasure as well as his/hers.
“Men wrote about feeling powerful when they could bring their partner to orgasm . . .”
What a depressing statement. It shows that most men still believe that they are superior to women and want a male-dominated society.
Hey, a man does not bring a woman to orgasm. He follows her to orgasm. Men who are good in bed are good sexual followers. They joyfully follow the woman’s lead, take all the responsibility for birth control, and let her be on top.
I have to say that I have met very few men who have the ability to make me truly enjoy cunnilingus. It has taken me 13 years to train my own husband in the subtleties of my ‘bits’. I have met many a man who prides themselves on their ability only to be left thinking ‘Is that it?’ Consequently I have a very take it or leave it attitude. In the swing scene it is generally frowned upon if either men or women are reluctant to perform orally and so whenever we meet new people I am always quite apprehensive when we get to that point where tongue is applied to clit. I have been surprised but often I am more than happy to move on to other activities.
As a bisexual woman I have taken a bit of care to learn the art of making a woman scream and like so many men in forums the world over I am often told I have a good tongue. However I will also say I do get a bit of ‘ICK’ factor from time to time. Some women don’t smell all that nice and some pussies are not to my liking so the survey respondents comments are valid.
In short, licking a pussy is not that easy (neither is sucking a cock well) and if you are not really into the pussy in question you will not do a good job.
Another point I will make (and then I will run very quickly for cover) as a rule women are more compliant than men. They are more likely to perform tasks that they don’t particularly like if they feel they are expected to. Men on the other hand will often only do something if they can see an immediate benefit for themselves. And so women will do blowjobs because they think it is expected, many of them will learn how to do it well. Men will be less likely to perform cunnilingus if they don’t want to and when they do they will do a substandard job. Hence women will be less likely to enjoy it and ask for seconds.
Of course there will be many men who disagree and state how much they like licking pussy and how they always make a woman scream. I refer them to my opening comments.
My experience is similar to Gemma’s. When I was younger, I use to put on more of a show and if a guy went down on me, I just pretended it was great. Sometimes it actually hurt and my little cry of pain was mistaken for pleasure. I take responsibliity for that. But I also think men need to take responsiblity for the social information they get from sexual media. Alot of men don’t really seem to know how to really make love. They just copy what they see in porn. Further, it’s really annoying when a man makes my orgasm about his ego. All they want to do is make you orgasm but not because they want you to truly enjoy yourself. They just want to feel good as a man because of an idea that he made me orgasm form his uber wonderful masculine skills. So sometimes I would fake it and hurry the process along because he took the fun out of it by making me feel like I had to perform. Which I did because when I performed, I certainly got more praise then when I just acted like myself.
I especially agree with Gemma’s comment here: “Men will be less likely to perform cunnilingus if they don’t want to and when they do they will do a substandard job. Hence women will be less likely to enjoy it and ask for seconds.Of course there will be many men who disagree and state how much they like licking pussy and how they always make a woman scream. I refer them to my opening comments.”
LOL
Yeah, it is pretty funny how many men make female orgasms about their ego. They often seem to infer that if a woman is highly responsive sexually it is because he’s such an awesome lover. Occasionally that is the case but usually a woman’s responsiveness has nothing to do with the man and everything to do with how much she likes sex.
I rarely experience bad sex anymore because if a man’s skills are substandard or annoying I just flip him over and ride him until I’ve gotten off to a satisfying degree. Granted, the men I have to do that with rarely get an opportunity have sex with me more than once.
I don’t know who the heck this woman was surveying but it certainly doesn’t apply to myself or any of my friends. Love it. If a man doesn’t do it, he’s out. But i’ve only had one partner that didn’t do it, and that was over before it started but it wasn’t just that issue.
I’m just really glad that I’m a little older and the guys that I might be dating have actually slept with a women or seen a women with pubic hair and aren’t freaked out by it. Just another reason porn sucks.
1. I have a feeling that the responses were selectively mined to reflect the younger generation’s 1950s-like ambivalence about sex. Most people from my generation have no problem getting or giving cunnilingus. (I’m 66) The “box job” bit that was on the survey fortunately never came up. Grotesque.
2. I personally hate costuming in bed. Just wanted to weigh in on that one. I think I’d die laughing if I saw a garter belt. Fortunately, I never have.
3. While we’re at it. I don’t get why shaved parts are sexy. They’re okay. But the hair’s another thing that can be stimulating.
Pretty weak anyone who feels uncomfortable about kissing afterward.
I think someone above found that the empowerment a fellow feels from giving (fine, aiding in) an orgasm to be part and parcel of the prevalent patriarchy*. Wuh-weh-wha? Because the rest of the comment was much on the wildly over-simplified-my-way-is-the-only-way side, I’m going to assume some tongue was in some cheek somewhere. Either way, thanks for the cliche.
*I took some liberties because I like alliteration
Let’s face it, the subtle smells and the pheremones are part of the turn on. I have never been with a woman personally who didn’t like kissing afterward.
I just LOVE oral sex, giving or getting. I can absolutely guarantee that if I can get my tongue between my date’s thighs, she will quickly wind up screwing us both utterly silly. Any woman who declines oral sex has NO idea what she is missing out on.
I don’t understand how putting your tongue between someone’s thighs can be such a game changer….you sure you have the geography correct?