Emily Heist Moss surveyed friends, strangers, and GMP readers about cunnilingus. What she found was intimacy, insecurity and the “ick factor.”
To write this article on cunnilingus, I created a mini-survey to get some perspectives from Good Men Project readers, Twitter followers, Facebook friends and a bunch of total strangers. I threw “box job”—as Dan Savage once described the act—in the title simply because, sad as it seems, I assumed that that the technical term (which is derived from the Latin words for vulva and tongue) wasn’t widely known.
Boy, oh boy, I did not know what I was getting into with that title! In the general comments field, about a quarter of respondents took me to task for my word choice. Hank wrote, “I think the term ‘box job’ is horrible because it takes away the slow sensuality that usually characterizes cunnilingus.” Marisa added, “I sincerely hope the term ‘box job’ does NOT catch on. I very much dislike the word Box as a euphemism for vagina because there is nothing boxy whatsoever about my vagina or any vagina.” Apologies to all, in discussing the responses, I’ll stick to cunnilingus!
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What was I trying to learn by surveying friends and strangers about their oral sex opinions and hang-ups? Not technique, I promise; I leave that to each of you to perfect with your partners. In a world where Axe body spray ads stretch the definition of “innuendo” and fellatio-hinting commercials make superstars out of phallic objects, I wanted to devote a little page space to the other oral sex. I’m not suggesting that blowjobs should dominate the airwaves, but since they often do, I think it’s worth considering why cunnilingus gets such little coverage in pop culture. Are we embarrassed by it? Do we think it’s gross? Does it cross an intimacy line that culturally we’re not ready or willing to discuss?
I was surprised, and I must say, disappointed, to read that most of the “that’s so gross” responses came from the ladies. Marisa is a 23-year-old who married her high school sweetheart. Even though her husband “loves performing,” Marisa thinks she’ll never be 100% comfortable with cunnilingus, “Every time before I engage, my brain has to go over this hurdle of ‘Ew, he’s putting his mouth down there?’” Other women pointed out that genitalia is associated with…teehee…waste, and that consequently putting your mouth anywhere near it is obviously disgusting. I wish I’d interviewed these women in person so I could follow up with their views on fellatio. They are aware that pee comes out of penises, too, right? The popularity of blowjobs doesn’t seem to have been affected by this biological fact, so why does it deter cunnilingus?
The issue of cleanliness comes up over and over again, both in its literal meaning and in regards to hair (or the lack of it). Miranda, 33, wrote: “I’m sure many women are in the same spot as I am on this topic: am I clean enough?” As Emma points out, “Anyone who’s given a blow job knows that guys don’t always smell/look/taste so good down there, so it would be silly to think that we do.” Cultural mythology, however, tells us that guys are supposed to be a little gross; it’s what makes them so manly! Stinky, sweaty, hairy, dirty… it’s just boys being boys, right? Ladies, on the other hand, are supposed to be dainty and pristine, with nary a hair out of place. We are supposed to smell like roses, and if we sweat, it should be in cute little droplets on our brow. The kind of human messiness that is acceptable for men is deemed unnatural and unladylike for women. The fact that we’re all made of the same stuff—skin and hair—doesn’t seem to matter.
Maddy, 32 and married, wrote, “I’m typically not body conscious but I cannot stand to receive oral sex. I’m afraid I smell, I’m afraid I’ll pass gas, I’m afraid that they won’t do a good job and I won’t like it and it grosses me out to kiss afterwards.” Lady after lady responded that while they physically enjoy the sensation of cunnilingus, they are too concerned with how they look, smell, and taste to “really get into it.” Do guys worry about this stuff? You all aren’t always spotless, you know, and yet somehow it seems like you’re capable of enjoying oral sex just fine. Do guys have insecurities about the appeal of their junk (besides size, which we’ve covered)? If so, how do you put those concerns out of mind in order to enjoy the action down below? How can you teach your ladies to do the same?
Beyond aesthetics, a lot of women reported being self-conscious about all the attention they were receiving. Janet, a married 33-year-old, wrote “In a way it almost seems like a ‘luxury’ that I should be able to live without. I feel guilty that it is so ‘me’ focused.” Marisa, the newlywed, expressed anxiety about how often her husband wanted to go down on her, “Honestly, it would be a relief if my partner only wanted to do it every once in a while, because that’s about how often I’m actually into the idea. As to how I handle the imbalance that exists between my husband, who loves performing it and wants it often, and me, I’d say I usually just go with it. What can I say? I guess I’m sort of a pushover in bed.”
Men wrote about feeling powerful when they could bring their partner to orgasm, and disappointed when they’re technique wasn’t working. 23-year-old Kevin wrote about girlfriends who weren’t comfortable with cunnilingus, “I privately felt a little guilty about getting a blow job because I hadn’t been asked to reciprocate.” And a lot of guys echoed the sentiment of Martin, “There’s the simple and selfish truth that [cunnilingus] is a relatively effective way of ensuring I’ll be on the receiving end of an oral treat myself in the near future.” Is Martin right? Survey responses would suggest yes. A lot of women wrote about “fairness” and how receiving cunnilingus felt like a pleasurable way for a boyfriend to request fellatio. Some, however, felt like boyfriends were only tolerating the “unpleasant” act in order to earn a blowjob. Nicole, 29, wrote, “In the past, I have detested cunnilingus as it felt like a reciprocal chore my past lovers were performing.”
For a lot of women, cunnilingus is on a short list of sex acts for truly special partners. 50-year-old Sandra wrote, “It is extremely intimate and something that I do with a special partner whom I am very comfortable with. I look forward to it when the passion between my partner and I is high and shared.” I do wonder if these women feel that blowjobs are an equally intimate gesture. For younger women, I suspect that the preponderance of blowjob media exposure has made fellatio a routine part of hook-up culture, while cunnilingus is reserved for the “special someone.” I wouldn’t suggest that anyone should have either attitude towards oral sex—to each their own—only that the discrepancy between perceptions of male and female oral sex is problematic. When we normalize the type of sex that is male pleasure-centric and push the type of sex that is female-pleasure centric into the territory of “occasional treat,” we create a substantial imbalance.
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No partner should be compelled to perform any sex act because the media says we should like doing it. Obligatory action may get the job done, but do we really want our partners suffering through something they don’t enjoy? The list of ways to be sexual is ridiculously exhaustive, and ruling one thing off the menu shouldn’t ruin anyone’s experience.
That being said, fellatio has become a mainstay of pop culture portrayals of sex and an expected part of most hetero sexual encounters. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but there is something wrong when the reciprocal act is deemed “gross,” “unclean,” or “icky.” If putting your face in someone else’s lap gives you the heebie-jeebies (for whatever reason), then don’t do it. But, if you’re expecting someone else to put his or her face in your lap, then you really need to reassess your sense of fairness. And if you’re one of the heebie-jeebie types, it’s probably worth asking yourself where those icky feelings are coming from. This is the body you’re going to have for the rest of your life, so you might as well learn to have some fun with it.
—Photo stagshop/Flickr
About Emily Heist Moss
I am one of those assigned-female-at-birth (AFAB) individuals who is !!not!! into receiving oral sex. (How strange, right?) And, this one is going to make you laugh– I’m very lucky to have a male partner who isn’t into giving it! All physical discomfort aside, however, I *love* going down on him. And we don’t consider this an inequitable arrangement.
It goes something like this… I don’t like the sensations I get very much from oral. It’s just uncomfortable, and not very much fun. I am a g-spot girl, LOL, having my clit be the center of attention is just TOO MUCH. I also think that all the smells and fluids are a little intense to be up close and personal with (Yes even on a clean woman.) I’ve been downtown on other ladies, and come to a similar conclusion: YUCK!!!!! This is not my cup of tea! There must be some wiring that other people have that I just -don’t-, because I cannot imagine why anyone would do that voluntarily. Why the hell would I want anyone else suffering through that when I’m not even having fun as a result? This is missing the point of sex. Next please!
Then, there’s my partner. Apparently, even though he’s very into women, getting his face down there is not pleasant for him– too messy and icky, sensorily unpleasant. (He said that if I HAD been into it, he never would have said anything, and totally would have given me whatever I wanted– what a sweetheart!)
We talked about it for a while, and came to the conclusion that if we both don’t like it very much, we just shouldn’t do it. There are other things I *do* like which he does for me, that are centered on my pleasure, and I have never felt that our sex life is lacking. All in all, a very sexually satisfying conclusion to what has been in previous relationships a bone of contention.
(That bone of contention is another reason, natch, why I don’t like receiving oral sex– there is nothing more uncomfortable than a partner going to town and having a ball while you’re lying there bored out of your mind and waiting for them to get it out of their systems… I feel bad because *I’m* not enjoying it, and thus not ‘peforming’ like they expect me to… and they feel bad because I’m not enjoying it, and usually feel it’s something wrong with THEM and their ‘peformance,’ and then they want to know what they are doing wrong… what an anxiety-inducing little drama!)
I will unabashedly own up to LOVING being on the “receiving end”, though, often when a man is going down on me, I’m fully engaged and we are partners in the orgasm. I am not bored out of my mind, not thinking about the physiological aspects, and not planning reciprocation (which BTW, I also thoroughly enjoy and freely offer up to my partner).
The only time I shy away from oral sex is during my “time of the month”. In any other case, I find it highly pleasurable and a welcome aspect of a great sex life.
So, please know that at least one female reader of this post does not fall into some of the categories identified through your survey.
There was a time when I loved it, but that was long ago. When I sensed that my partner was doing it more out of obligation than actual pleasure, it was no longer a turn on to receive it. Men can be really selfish, which is a turnoff–as a result my partner and I get together less and less. He blames it on my lack of interest. I would say its more that I’m insulted and bored. Others in the past were really into it, which made it fun, but if a guy isn’t wild about it, why bother to be vulnerable like that? Also, I prefer it when fingers are involved too and for some guys, that takes skill to manage both, apparently. I love going down on a man, but if he’s not as into me as he is into having me be into him, sex in general just becomes an insulting bore. Yawn. He can think that I’m not as sexual, it saves me from having to explain to him that it boils down to being bored with his selfishness.
sometimes couples just need a little direction when it comes to cunnilingus…
http://youtu.be/GwDqVnuPfwo
Why are so many articles on this site posted by fem-nazis? It is annoying, as it makes me feel like the genuine effort on the part of men to pursue an ideal is not in their own hands. The CEO of the Good Men project is a woman?
I performed cunnilingus probably 15 times more than I ever had sex. And I probably gave it about 5 times more than received oral sex. Of course, this was all one partner.
Cody — I’m not sure what you mean by “so many” articles. Right now, out of 28 articles on the front page — 2 are written by women.
The articles that are written by women tend to be popular — but not any more popular than the best articles written by men.
Yes I am a women. I can’t change that. The “genuine effort on the part of men to pursue an ideal” is, of course, in the hands of you or any men that want to participate. We simply made the conscious choice not to exclude women from the conversation if they want to be a part of this also.
I open up the invitation to you the same way I do with anyone who comes to this site and complains we are “doing it wrong” — write for us. Submit a post — it certainly could be about how you would like to pursue the ideal as a man, and the challenges you have with that. It sounds great, and we’d love to publish it. Or it could be about anything you think would be important for men to be talking about. But don’t name call us “fem-nazis” — we are not.
you know part of being a good man is speaking like one right?
smh…
That is exactly the thing – Why should men note any woman’s opinion on what is and what is not a part of being a good man? One _good_ reason – why?
I think a lot of people are too afraid to talk too much about oral sex beyond “ew, that’s gross” or “sure, can’t get enough!” As a result, they may be missing out on the possibility of problem-solving. Some of the challenges to enjoying oral sex, like the “ickiness” factor, feeling self-conscious, disliking smells and tastes, etc., could be minimized with some basic practical steps (take shower together first, for example, solve any infection issues, etc.) and a little experimenting with new things.
Like a lot of relationship issues, some of the awkwardness could be dispelled with a little more open communication. I’m not saying this means that everyone should be able to enjoy it, just that the deal-breakers may not be as insurmountable as you might think. For God’s sake, talk about it, talk about what works and what doesn’t, brainstorm about possible solutions, communicate, communicate, communicate.
This is one of those cases where a hetero man and hetero woman will probably never fully understand the other, or at least where you just have to trust that when the other says it’s okay, it’s okay. If you’re not attracted to women, it’s hard to understand enjoying going down on them. If you’re not attracted to men, it’s hard to understand enjoying going down on them.
On the taste/smell issue, if that’s a big stumbling block, in my experience saliva produced during the activity tends to dilute the taste and smell of your partner. The most intense taste/smell is at the beginning and rapidly diminishes after that. Just on a practical note. (Can’t speak for fellatio, from what I understand the most intense taste is at the end?)
“Can’t speak for fellatio, from what I understand the most intense taste is at the end?”
LOL
Love that!! Generally speaking, you are correct. Occasionally, I’ve encountered men who haven’t seemed to wash their genitals in a week or so. In that case, fellatio was an intense experience from beginning to end…it kind of turned me off of repeating the performance with them again…or I took them in the shower and thoroughly washed them before going down on them again.
Those genital wipes they sell these days, or even just standard old Tucks, are a great product too. Just wipe things off before sex and voila. Keep a box in the bathroom. They are great if you want to have sex first thing in the morning without showering first. Or at the end of the day when you are feeling a little “off” down there. A good way to introduce this to your partner is to say, “I really like to use these to clean up a little before sex, it makes everything more pleasant, why don’t you try it too?”. That way nobody feels ashamed about it.
So, no real consensus from women about cunnilingus.
Let me see if I can summarize what I’ve learned from the responses so far, as a man trying to learn more:
1. Be good at it, but don’t focus too much on being good at it. Just be good at it.
2. Focus on giving her pleasure, but don’t focus too much on giving her pleasure.
3. You should care about her pleasure, but wanting to give her pleasure is selfish.
4. You can give her pleasure and feel good about giving her pleasure, but only if you feel good about it for the right reasons.
5. Listen to what she says, pay attention to what she does, but remember that she could be faking or lying.
6. If she seems to be deeply enjoying it, there’s a good chance that she is not. The more she seems to be enjoying it, the less likely that she really is enjoying it.
7. Men who think they’re really good at it only think that because women have led them to believe that they are when they are not. Self-centered, clueless men, acting on false information.
8. It’s expected to be reciprocal with fellatio, but don’t expect it to be reciprocated.
Does that about cover it?
LOL LOL LOL
OMG!! I almost wet my pants after reading your comment!
All I can say is that each woman is unique so never assume that what works on one woman will work on another. Women should be held responsible for being able to communicate honestly about their sexual needs/wants/preferences. No man is omniscient.
As for number 7, well, I’m pretty sure I am responsible for that bit of confusion. I apologize. I don’t feel I can fully explain why I said what I said without getting into details I don’t really want to share in a public forum. Hmmm…let’s just say this…a highly responsive woman is usually highly responsive every time she has sex regardless of the man/woman she is having sex with. Men often mistakenly interpret that responsiveness for a high level of sexual chemistry between the two of them or due to his incredible sexual skills. That would not be a good assumption to make. If you encounter a highly responsive woman in your bed, ask her if she’s like this with all her lovers. I believe that most of the time, a highly responsive woman will answer you honestly. She may show appreciation for some technique you used but she will also let you know that she always orgasms easily and over and over and over again.
Even though I orgasm easily from cunnilingus, it is never the main event for me. Regardless of whether or not I receive cunnilingus, if there’s an erect cock in my vicinity it usually ends up spending some time in my mouth…and if I can push the situation to allow for full-on sex that usually happens too. That’s just the kind of girl I am!
Haha oh Jeni! Sounds like we’re soul sisters. I’ve just always been responsive and uhm. Vocal. And no, it really had nothing to do with porn. I’d only seen pictures by the time I got around to losing my virginity. That said, there have been very few guys who were not capable of getting me off. It’s not very difficult for me and I know that’s a huge blessing. I was completely baffled when I learned most women had trouble. Maybe I have extra nerves down there or something.
But, I keep my mouth shut unless asked. I don’t mind a guy feeling like a stud for getting me off if it makes him feel good. But, with what the article said, I agree with the part about guys just going down because they feel like they *have to*. If a guy didn’t genuinely want to do it I probably wouldn’t want him to.
It’s almost like women are *GASP* people! With their own opinions and different behaviors and everything!
There are so many lessons in how we are all harmed by our sexist, gender role training here… And it’s really hard to escape that training!
Amongst lots of things, there’s all this hostility toward men in the culture now that is disappointing to say the least. The article complains that fellatio has so much prominence, yet it’s women who are uncomfortable with cunnilingus. I think you answered your question. Women lack empowerment for their sexual satisfaction. I’m remembering how Michael Kimmel slams guys in Guyland on this whole issue. What a hate-filled poisonous rant that was… Having that guy on this site at all really damaged your cred wrt to “Good Men”.
In my experience, feeling empowered around something you’ve been shamed over, is hard. But anger and blame at others over your lack of empowerment is just avoiding the issue. A safe, nurturing environment allows it to naturally emerge.
I hate to think I have anything in common with radfems, but were it not for blue-balls, i could easily forget about PIV entirely, I get so lost in cunnilingual bliss. I love it, love it, love it. It’s a total addiction for me, the copulin pheromones must really hit my brain hard. My wife finally has to stop me and say, “okay…. (catches breath)…..enough…. (catches breath)…. F*** me already!”
Yet I despise fellatio. (I must be a strange man indeed.) But it bodes well for marital stability, though. When my 3 boys are old enough to start thinking about marriage, besides the Biblical wait-til-the-wedding stuff, I’ll tell them how important cunnilingus is, and why they should work at getting to be experts at it.
I promise, this post is not a joke.
“…why they should work at getting to be experts at it. …”
I should clarify:.. wthey should work at getting to be experts at it…. starting on the honeymoon…. no sooner!
Amen.
I fully agree, I love cunnilingus but hate getting fellatio.
Not sure why i would wait to get married though..
“…Not sure why i would wait to get married though…”
Religion. No other reason.
Heh. Best boyfriend I ever had was told by his dad “if ya wanna keep em, ya gotta go down on em good.” But the fact is that all women are different. I myself just don’t like it. Love giving head, but I’m just too sensitive to recieve. It feels like being tased. All the years and effort he’d put into becoming a great lover were focused on something I couldn’t stand and didn’t want. We were the happiest couple ever, except in the bedroom. I’d caution against raising your sons to believe that ALL women love cunnilingus. It’s not true. Better to teach them how to listen to their partners and to respond accordingly.
Oh wow, well I love being on the receiving end. I’m a single woman who loves it both receiving and giving oral. The last guy I was with said it turns him on to see how comfortable I am with my body and he loves making me reach the big Os before we hit the ‘main course’
I’m a big fan of cunnilingus. Best lovers Ive had have stopped in the middle of intercourse to perform cunnilingus then back to intercourse- it insures multiple orgasms. The most romantic thing a man has ever said to me is “Good Morning! Will you sit on my face?” That in no way means that there reciprocation is guaranteed or even likely. Fellatio is not my thing, the only time Ive partaken was when love was a factor. Perhaps its unfair but cunnilingus is almost imperative for an orgasm, and that doesn’t seem to be the case for men.
This bullcrap about cleanliness and smell is ridiculous, and is mostly cultural claptrap. Females don’t smell unless there is something wrong- ask your gyno. If you don’t like hair down there, get rid of it! Latetotheparty pointed out that gender role training is a factor, hit the nail on the head.
So let’s reverse this premise: if a woman refuses to go down on her man who goes down on her, should he divorce her? If that was a valid argument (to men), a lot more women would be divorcées. To imply that it’s OK for women to dump men who aren’t avid eaters ignores the fact that for too many men, this is exactly the situation in which they live. Yet it wouldn’t be seen (by women) as a good reason for him to dump his woman.
The self-loathing that our society can imbue women with is tragic.
I cannot be the only man who thinks that, when with the right woman:
Cunnilingus is great!
The smell is wonderful, as is the taste. I happily drown in their ecstasy.
And that goes for everything, “down there” and everywhere.
A gentleman, when surfacing for a kiss, discretely swabs his face on the sheets en route.
There is nothing anywhere on a woman’s body that is not intrinsically delightful to kiss, touch, lick,
sniff, inhale, nibble, penetrate sweetly, stroke, or lap up like a retriever with Godess’s own lollipop.
All the women I’ve known have a working alimentary canal, and I certainly don’t want anyone to have their mellow harshed by clenching to stifle a fart for the duration
If men like myself seem disgusting, I’m sorry, and sorry for you.
I agree with Anonymous. I love the feel, sight, smell, and taste of a woman. Most men (reads nearly all men) I know, when they consider a woman to whom they are attracted, think in terms of intercourse with her. Without exception, I always wonder first what she tastes like. Yet as fascinated as I am with that part of a potential relationship, the real goal is contributing to her sexual satisfaction. Cunnilingus is the icing on the cake.
Huh?
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To each their own. I think every person and every couple are different and enjoy different things. I happen to love receiving oral – when it’s done well. I believe most women would love it too if they could get comfortable enough to enjoy it and to express to their partner what felt good. I suspect a main reason so many people don’t find it enjoyable could be because the way the act is depicted in most porn is completely unrealistic and not conducive to pleasure. I think a lot of men (especially young men) get their techniques and knowledge from porn and probably scare their female partners off of oral sex because of their horrible maneuvers. If you take it soft and slow and communicate… wow, it’s amazing.
I get pleasure from, cause I found exactly what I used to be looking for.
You’ve ended my 4 day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye
Gertrude