A woman asks Eli and Josie why her boyfriend lied about his sexual past and hid sexually explicit photos and videos of his ex.
If you’re going to build trust with someone, they have to be honest with you. But you also have to be a place for your partner to bring you honesty. That doesn’t mean it’s ever your fault if someone lies to you, but in order to help create a relationship that is most conducive to honesty, you have to be open to hear even the stuff you don’t want to hear…
You’ve got to be honest with him about what you found on the flash drive, and how it made you feel. Try to approach him with an open heart, explaining how hurt you feel, but also with curiosity about why he didn’t tell you the truth about his sexual history. He needs to be honest with you, and it all needs to be broken down completely—-down to the very basics of when the dishonesty started and what he wants from the relationship.
I wish I knew more about what personal things of yours were on the flash drive, but it sounds like you feel like your privacy has been invaded. This all makes me very uneasy, and I don’t think you should live with these secrets any longer. If your first conversation with your boyfriend doesn’t yield a huge revelation from him, I think it may be time to either ask for help from a couples’ therapist or perhaps end the relationship.
Remember: Your relationship should bring you joy and honest partnership. If he can’t offer you that, you both need to fix it or start fresh.
He Said: Relationships are about trust, and trust is a two-way street. Let’s start with one side. If he’s lying to you about his sexual past, and clearly you’ve been asking direct questions, your boyfriend’s not doing anyone any favors. So you need to sit down and call him out on his truth-bending. Come prepared, so you can (hopefully) get answers to the specific questions you have. Also let your boyfriend know how you were hurt by what you found.
But before you do all that, here are a few things to keep in mind. First, your boyfriend could have been lying to you about his sexual past (playing DOWN his experience), thinking you might feel worse if you knew about ALL of his past sexual escapades. Second, men are more sentimental than most women understand. It’s why we don’t get rid of those ratty, old underwear you’ve been begging us to throw out. Okay, maybe that’s just laziness. But trust me, we’re sentimental. He just might not have been ready to part with the flash drive (yet). Lastly, it’s time to talk about that OTHER side of trust.
So… how’d you find this flash drive again? Cleaning up? And you decided to plug it in, even though it wasn’t yours? Look, I’m sure it went down just as you said, and it was a completely innocent discovery (of things not so innocent). However, I think you should be prepared, when you call your boyfriend out about the flash drive, and honesty, trust, and the like, he may very well call YOU out for snooping. Your random discovery incriminates him, but he’s going to want to talk about HOW you made your discovery. Two-way streets can be dangerous. So be honest with yourselves, and each other.
Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here, anonymously!
Photo of flash drive courtesy of Shutterstock
I found something in the same way. But my boyfriend lied about things over the year of being with him. He even hit on a female infront of me a week after my dad died. But I found explicit photos of his ex when I was looking at photos of him on a card that was next to the camera we used . Totally innocent which caused a breakup. He even renamed the file “bury 2”. Then adfmitted I was right. Hurts like hell but the relationship started off with dishonesty I seen other things that were open to see… Read more »
As usual, there’s a double standard here. Is there anyone here who truthfully tells their current partner everything they’ve done with exes? I sincerely doubt it, even if asked directly (honestly think about it). According to some women, it’s “ok” to lie about their sexual past so that they don’t hurt their partner or his ego. Why is it different for men then? She even stated there was an act she couldn’t do physically, so he was likely trying to not hurt her by revealing everything that was done and assumed she would never find out. She even said her… Read more »
Are you prepared to hear the truth? Lying about past sexual history can be to protect you from feeling hurt, jealous, inadequate. And to protect oneself from being judged and criticized. You have to decide if knowing about the past is important to your future. The past doesnt exist, only the present, no use bringing it up if it will only cause pain. Unless it’s a redflag of deceit in the future.
Men and women alike lie. it’s not a gender issue
Traumatic events that help to form one’s idea of sexual history is reason-enough to remain quiet.
Its not all that easy (nor welcome) telling your wife or GF that you have to fight-back thoughts, memories, and complete flashbacks to childhood rape when you are making love with her. Your whole “I’m a ‘normal,’ just like you” thing kinda falls to bits.
He’s your boyfriend, not your husband- simple answer is ” he’s lying to you because that is what works for him”. If it doesn’t work for you- move on….
Do you own property together or have children?
There were things he swore only we had done, one being something I cant do physically.
I can’t make sense of this? Anyone care to elaborate, please?
@FlyingKal: She means that she saw them doing sexual acts that he had told her he had only performed with her (like the way women in porn claim that it’s ‘my first anal’ or something like that). I’m not sure why he would lie about that, and if she did ask (which we’re not sure that she did), I don’t know why she would. I probably wouldn’t want to know either way, personally. It would only bring down my self-esteem and if I asked, remind him of his ex, which is the dead last thing I’d want him thinking about… Read more »
It seems like the letter writer is saying that there was an act that she is normally not able to do but, for some reason, did it anyway. I guess she did something that came at the cost of discomfort to her and part of her decision to do it was because of the thought that it was something that he was only doing with her, just to find out he was lying about that part. I can understand the her being betrayed by that. (But I’m sure we can agree that exact details aren’t necessary to understand this, not… Read more »
I answered this, but it got completely lost or deleted for some reason. I’ll repost without using the trigger word: @FlyingKal: She means that she saw them doing sexual acts that he had told her he had only performed with her (like the way women in p*rn claim that it’s ‘my first anal’ or something like that). I’m not sure why he would lie about that, and if she did ask (which we’re not sure that she did), I don’t know why she would. I probably wouldn’t want to know either way, personally. It would only bring down my self-esteem… Read more »
Thanks, both Danny and Aya.
No, I wasn’t in to getting exact details 😉
Since English is not my native language, I always wonder if there are hidden meanings in some expressions that I’m missing or something.
And I just couldn’t figure out what she meant with that she (they) had done something she couldn’t do. Either they talked about it but didn’t actually do it. Or they did it once, at great discomfort to her, and are never trying it again.
Am I clear?
Ah I see. Yes when English is not one’s native language it can be tricky. And it doesn’t help that us native speakers aren’t exactly consistent with it.
She went snooping and found something that upset her. That’s often what happens when you invade someone’s privacy. This was not just an accidental discovery of a thumb drive. She saw it, wanted to know what was on it, stuck it into a computer, and, once she had a glimpse of what was on it, continued to open up files. Her curiosity was driven by what, exactly? A natural thirst for knowledge of all things electronic? An attempt to find the owner, just in case it was lost? What she did was the equivalent of finding a book with “Diary”… Read more »
This is a little morbid maybe but one reason for getting rid of stuff like old sex tapes and old love letters is that you never know what each day will bring. You could get hit by a bus and your spouse/partner will find those things and will never have the opportunity to talk it over with you and understand why you kept it. You may cause him or her a lot of pain for the rest of their life as they wonder about your true feelings about the relationship. I’ve seen this happen.
It’s not enough to manage our partner’s current anxieties, we need to manage their future anxieties as well?
This is what I mean by being open with our intimate partners. As our relationships move from being casual to serious, we should be more fully intimate in those relationships. That means letting our partners know us more fully, making ourselves more vulnerable to each other.
I have probably a bunch of photos of old girlfriends, taken in the pre-digital era, strewn about in chronological order in old phot albums mingled with any other photos taken at that time. They probably show some kissing and cuddling, but I can’t imagine them showing any kind of sex or nudity, at least not anything “worse” than what you’d see at any given beach.
And I just don’t feel like combing through all the albums and picking out all the pictures in question.
Am I a bad or inconsiderate partner for that?
People are entitled to their histories; it what makes us who we are. That includes our successes and our failures; the relationships that showed us how to love, and those that taught us that love isn’t everything. We should embrace our past, and that of our partner, because without them we wouldn’t be together. Sentimentality aside, there is also a certain shame we hold about our past, and in turn we shame others about their own. Our histories become private not for this reason alone, but also to manage the insecurity and jealousy (real or perceived) of our partners. Consider… Read more »
This is what I was thinking too.
@ Nick…
I agree with much of what you are saying. I comes down to open and honest disclosure.
Yet, many people just do not feel it is necessary to disclosure certain things. I disagree.
You wrote, “We should embrace our past, and that of our partner, because without them we wouldn’t be together.”
We can only be expected to embrace our partner’s past if it known. A partner should disclose relevant information and then allow the other person to embrace or not embrace. That is how I see it.
You cannot EXPECT someone to embrace your past just because….
By “embrace” I don’t mean “celebrate” but rather an acceptance of their past and how it has shaped them to make them into the person you like now. That means getting over feeling threatened by the fact that they have a past. That means not expecting our partners to act as if their previous partners are dead or were the most horrible people in the world; to not expect them to pretend that there wasn’t some joy in those previous relationships that they remember fondly.
Way would you take a flash drive in my room & decide to look at what in it? ?
Should be the question to her plus my past is my past , I don’t look in anybody’s daily journal, so way would I look at their flash drive, unless she believe’s it’s okay for women to do so but when it comes to men since they are privileged by gender then they are not allowed to do the same thing !!!.
Has this person read the various articles here about women who lie about their sexual past, and how men are told to stop judging them, and that they probably lie because they know they will be judged? Various men in this situation have been told that her past doesn’t matter, and that he should leave the past in the past, and stop judging her. This situation here is no different. She is judging him for his past. She needs to let it go, and move on. If she can’t deal with his past, she needs to move on and let… Read more »
I smell snoopy!
Good point though, wonder what she’d think if he was upset she had more than 5 partners?
You’re sort of right, Eric. What he did in his past had nothing to do with HER and their current situation, nor does it say anything about their love or sex life. On the other hand, it’s tacky and insensitive for him to keep the flash drive. He should have tossed it, deleted the pictures and videos. Him holding on to it means that it’s NOT in his past. It’s disrespectful to hold on to something like that (BOTH to your current and your ex, unless BOTH of them have said that it’s OK). The moment he throws it out,… Read more »
Unless he’s like me, hoards electronics n forgets what’s on flash drives lol. I haven’t got a clue what is on a bunch of dvds I have.
That’s a true relationship. There something that bothers me about this line. I’m not sure what it is, though I suspect it has something to do with defining the validity of a relationship in terms of a particular action. I think the reason I’m so equivocal about it is that I can’t imagine myself having a DVD of me and an ex, let alone caring about it. At the same time, I can imagine if I were more sentimental I might want to hold on to it, even though I may never watch it. Hence my inability to articulate what… Read more »
Nick, what I meant was that he did something to make his partner happy and comfortable. Maybe it bothered him, maybe it didn’t–but he did it of his own volition and was made happier knowing that his partner was made happier. He didn’t have to do it, but he knew it’d be a much more meaningful gesture than any bouquet of roses, diamond ring, or box of chocolates.
Ah, so perhaps not so much a “true relationship” as a sign of a considerate partner? I think I could get behind that.
But what if the DVD was meaningful to him? What do you feel that would say about their relationship, or how considerate he was?
@Nick Pavlidis: Yeah, I guess I could have phrased it better. He was very considerate and in the type of relationship where her happiness truly matters to him. If the video had sentimental value–I don’t know. I guess he could keep it if he promised that he wouldn’t look at it or think about it unless the relationship ended (once again, I think the consent of the ex matters too, and if he really is a nice guy, he’d try and respect her wishes too, at least to keep it to himself). I’ve thrown away things of sentimental value to… Read more »
@Aya….
But he only did it AFTER it was discovered. Apparently they must have watched it too! Otherwise, how would she know it was a sex DVD?
It’s like someone caught cheating and offers up the old proverbial “I am sorry.” Were they sorry while they were cheating? Of course not.
I am not convinced.
@ Jules: He told her it was a sex DVD (it likely had a label on it). He had nothing to be sorry for, though. He kept it for a little while they first dated, likely not knowing how far the relationship would go. It got lost in a couple of moves, and as they were unpacking in the last one, they found it. If he was purposely holding onto it and watching it, THEN he’d have something to be sorry for, but he wasn’t. And he had no qualms destroying it, which is a big bonus.
@Aya.. “…………….nor does it say anything about their love or sex life.” Wrong!! Clearly it does. ” Later, as I had more sex, I realized that each experience was different, and that they had little to do with each other. I wasn’t thinking about my exes or what we’d done while with my current partner. I didn’t compare. I enjoyed the moment and was able to fully appreciate my current partner.” Clearly you’re saying it does. Because only after you had more sex partners……I just don’t know why people refuse to admit that it matters to many many people. And,… Read more »
“I could never even figure out people who invited their ex boyfriends/girlfriends and lovers to their wedding. It just seemed rather tacky to me.” Maybe because they still love and admire those people and the relationship of “lover” might have ended, but that doesn’t mean their human connection has stopped. If they inviting them to show off or put that in the face of the groom/bride…well, yeah that’s tacky. And I suppose the only people who can know that for sure and the people getting married. I’ve always been happy that my husband remains friends with his exes. To me… Read more »
Some exes stay friends. One of my long-term exes is someone I consider to be one of my best friends. He’s seeing someone else but we’re still there for each other as much as we can be. I would even go as far as to say we still love each other, but it’s a very different kind of love. I see him almost as a big brother. We can not talk for months, then pick right back up. One of us is having a crisis, we feel comfortable enough to go to each other even if we’ve done something really… Read more »
Also, Jules: “People do compare. When a person has had a lot of sexual partners and experiences, they know who was the best and why. Nor do they forget!” How do you know this? Are you in everyone’s head? Some people are just enjoying the moment and appreciating the intimacy that their partner is sharing with them. I certainly don’t think about my exes when I’m having sex in the moment. That’d be a waste of a good time. And even so, it’s comparing apples to oranges. Each dynamic was so different. Not to say that there weren’t times of… Read more »
I suppose it’s all about world views and if you view everything as a comparison and competition vs you view things like flow and change and collaboration. Like the whole question of why stay friends with exes. Well, if you view people as either “in” or “out”of your life I suppose you’d close the door on an ex. But if you view relationships as ever changing but still remaining valid (and of course if that relationship didn’t end in trauma or deep anger) then it’s possible to continue to love people in your life but in different ways. One thing… Read more »
@Julie… “Well, if you view people as either “in” or “out”of your life I suppose you’d close the door on an ex.” Yes, this is how I live my life, indeed. You’re either “in” or “out.” I don’t like gray. While I cannot say it is right or wrong, this is what I believe. It works for me. Side note on evolving relationships…..Many years ago while married, I had a major crush on a woman. We were both in lust. But, we did like one another as well. We actually went on several dates…However, when I would not sleep with… Read more »
Nope, that’s not what I mean at all. I’m a little surprised you’d assume that. I don’t blame you for being insulted. If she wasn’t willing to remain connected as actual for real friends and wasn’t willing to see that that hurt you, I don’t blame you for deciding you’d prefer to draw a boundary.
I actually mean that the relationship remains connected but the roles you play in each other’s lives change (and are mutual in some way).
Judging women on their sexual past is the complete opposite of a woman in a relationship finding a flash drive of secretive photos of videos of his ex, as well as photos of her he added to it! It is sneaky, gross, snakey shit, and he’s in the wrong. Lying and being sneaky causes more damage than anything else in relationships. That guy was in the wrong!