A woman asks Eli and Josie why her boyfriend lied about his sexual past and hid sexually explicit photos and videos of his ex.
If you’re going to build trust with someone, they have to be honest with you. But you also have to be a place for your partner to bring you honesty. That doesn’t mean it’s ever your fault if someone lies to you, but in order to help create a relationship that is most conducive to honesty, you have to be open to hear even the stuff you don’t want to hear…
You’ve got to be honest with him about what you found on the flash drive, and how it made you feel. Try to approach him with an open heart, explaining how hurt you feel, but also with curiosity about why he didn’t tell you the truth about his sexual history. He needs to be honest with you, and it all needs to be broken down completely—-down to the very basics of when the dishonesty started and what he wants from the relationship.
I wish I knew more about what personal things of yours were on the flash drive, but it sounds like you feel like your privacy has been invaded. This all makes me very uneasy, and I don’t think you should live with these secrets any longer. If your first conversation with your boyfriend doesn’t yield a huge revelation from him, I think it may be time to either ask for help from a couples’ therapist or perhaps end the relationship.
Remember: Your relationship should bring you joy and honest partnership. If he can’t offer you that, you both need to fix it or start fresh.
He Said: Relationships are about trust, and trust is a two-way street. Let’s start with one side. If he’s lying to you about his sexual past, and clearly you’ve been asking direct questions, your boyfriend’s not doing anyone any favors. So you need to sit down and call him out on his truth-bending. Come prepared, so you can (hopefully) get answers to the specific questions you have. Also let your boyfriend know how you were hurt by what you found.
But before you do all that, here are a few things to keep in mind. First, your boyfriend could have been lying to you about his sexual past (playing DOWN his experience), thinking you might feel worse if you knew about ALL of his past sexual escapades. Second, men are more sentimental than most women understand. It’s why we don’t get rid of those ratty, old underwear you’ve been begging us to throw out. Okay, maybe that’s just laziness. But trust me, we’re sentimental. He just might not have been ready to part with the flash drive (yet). Lastly, it’s time to talk about that OTHER side of trust.
So… how’d you find this flash drive again? Cleaning up? And you decided to plug it in, even though it wasn’t yours? Look, I’m sure it went down just as you said, and it was a completely innocent discovery (of things not so innocent). However, I think you should be prepared, when you call your boyfriend out about the flash drive, and honesty, trust, and the like, he may very well call YOU out for snooping. Your random discovery incriminates him, but he’s going to want to talk about HOW you made your discovery. Two-way streets can be dangerous. So be honest with yourselves, and each other.
Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here, anonymously!
Photo of flash drive courtesy of Shutterstock
About She Said He Said
Has this person read the various articles here about women who lie about their sexual past, and how men are told to stop judging them, and that they probably lie because they know they will be judged? Various men in this situation have been told that her past doesn’t matter, and that he should leave the past in the past, and stop judging her.
This situation here is no different. She is judging him for his past. She needs to let it go, and move on. If she can’t deal with his past, she needs to move on and let him move on.
I smell snoopy!
Good point though, wonder what she’d think if he was upset she had more than 5 partners?
You’re sort of right, Eric. What he did in his past had nothing to do with HER and their current situation, nor does it say anything about their love or sex life. On the other hand, it’s tacky and insensitive for him to keep the flash drive. He should have tossed it, deleted the pictures and videos. Him holding on to it means that it’s NOT in his past. It’s disrespectful to hold on to something like that (BOTH to your current and your ex, unless BOTH of them have said that it’s OK). The moment he throws it out, it will truly be in his past. The other part is about the direct lying. It depends on his reasons for doing it. It’s possible that he just did it to spare her feelings, and it’s possible he’s just dishonest and also lying about other things. It’s not easy to get over a partner’s sexual past–for a man or a woman, but judging gets you nowhere.
When I was younger and more inexperienced, I’d get butthurt anytime I learned anything about my partner’s sexual past. I’d feel so inadequate. Later, as I had more sex, I realized that each experience was different, and that they had little to do with each other. I wasn’t thinking about my exes or what we’d done while with my current partner. I didn’t compare. I enjoyed the moment and was able to fully appreciate my current partner. I’d like to give men the benefit of the doubt and think that it’s the same for them. Just because you’re not their first, doesn’t mean you’re not their best. At the same time, I’m also not keeping pictures and videos of my exes. My best friend’s long term boyfriend and she were cleaning up and they found a sex dvd of him and his ex girlfriend. Without even having to have her ask, he demolished it just to show his loyalty to her and that he was done with that girl. That’s about the sweetest thing a man can do for you. Whether or not you think he HAD to, he made his partner feel that much happier, which in turn made him happier. That’s a true relationship.
Unless he’s like me, hoards electronics n forgets what’s on flash drives lol. I haven’t got a clue what is on a bunch of dvds I have.
There something that bothers me about this line. I’m not sure what it is, though I suspect it has something to do with defining the validity of a relationship in terms of a particular action. I think the reason I’m so equivocal about it is that I can’t imagine myself having a DVD of me and an ex, let alone caring about it. At the same time, I can imagine if I were more sentimental I might want to hold on to it, even though I may never watch it. Hence my inability to articulate what it is about the assertion, the trueness of this relationship, I find somewhat off.
Nick, what I meant was that he did something to make his partner happy and comfortable. Maybe it bothered him, maybe it didn’t–but he did it of his own volition and was made happier knowing that his partner was made happier. He didn’t have to do it, but he knew it’d be a much more meaningful gesture than any bouquet of roses, diamond ring, or box of chocolates.
Ah, so perhaps not so much a “true relationship” as a sign of a considerate partner? I think I could get behind that.
But what if the DVD was meaningful to him? What do you feel that would say about their relationship, or how considerate he was?
@Nick: Yeah, I guess I could have phrased it better. He was very considerate and in the type of relationship where her happiness truly matters to him. If the video had sentimental value–I don’t know. I guess he could keep it if he promised that he wouldn’t look at it or think about it unless the relationship ended (once again, I think the consent of the ex matters too, and if he really is a nice guy, he’d try and respect her wishes too, at least to keep it to himself). I’ve thrown away things of sentimental value to please a current partner (definitely not saying that I’m the most considerate person in the world, just that I have). They weren’t sex tapes or anything, but ex’s boxers, personal weird mementos, things like that. One was particularly painful because it’s not something I could ever get back, but my partner REALLY wanted it gone. I don’t know, you have to weigh the situation. How much does it mean to you? How much does it hurt him/her? How far do you see your current relationship going? Why do you still have the item? Is it just sentimental value, or are you keeping it because you’re not over your ex or in the case of a sex tape, still using it?
@Aya….
But he only did it AFTER it was discovered. Apparently they must have watched it too! Otherwise, how would she know it was a sex DVD?
It’s like someone caught cheating and offers up the old proverbial “I am sorry.” Were they sorry while they were cheating? Of course not.
I am not convinced.
@ Jules: He told her it was a sex DVD (it likely had a label on it). He had nothing to be sorry for, though. He kept it for a little while they first dated, likely not knowing how far the relationship would go. It got lost in a couple of moves, and as they were unpacking in the last one, they found it. If he was purposely holding onto it and watching it, THEN he’d have something to be sorry for, but he wasn’t. And he had no qualms destroying it, which is a big bonus.
@Aya..
“…………….nor does it say anything about their love or sex life.”
Wrong!! Clearly it does.
” Later, as I had more sex, I realized that each experience was different, and that they had little to do with each other. I wasn’t thinking about my exes or what we’d done while with my current partner. I didn’t compare. I enjoyed the moment and was able to fully appreciate my current partner.”
Clearly you’re saying it does. Because only after you had more sex partners……I just don’t know why people refuse to admit that it matters to many many people. And, if it does, it should be respected.
“That’s a true relationship.”
Then just why did he still have the video Aya? People do compare. When a person has had a lot of sexual partners and experiences, they know who was the best and why. Nor do they forget!
I could never even figure out people who invited their ex boyfriends/girlfriends and lovers to their wedding. It just seemed rather tacky to me.
“I could never even figure out people who invited their ex boyfriends/girlfriends and lovers to their wedding. It just seemed rather tacky to me.”
Maybe because they still love and admire those people and the relationship of “lover” might have ended, but that doesn’t mean their human connection has stopped.
If they inviting them to show off or put that in the face of the groom/bride…well, yeah that’s tacky. And I suppose the only people who can know that for sure and the people getting married.
I’ve always been happy that my husband remains friends with his exes. To me that means he was a good partner, and even though they ended their sexual relationship, that they had the ability to transition emotions, maturity etc…
Some exes stay friends. One of my long-term exes is someone I consider to be one of my best friends. He’s seeing someone else but we’re still there for each other as much as we can be. I would even go as far as to say we still love each other, but it’s a very different kind of love. I see him almost as a big brother. We can not talk for months, then pick right back up. One of us is having a crisis, we feel comfortable enough to go to each other even if we’ve done something really stupid. He’d 100% be invited to my wedding, and I to his (unless one of our partners had serious qualms with it, but it doesn’t seem like they have so far).
Also, Jules: “People do compare. When a person has had a lot of sexual partners and experiences, they know who was the best and why. Nor do they forget!”
How do you know this? Are you in everyone’s head? Some people are just enjoying the moment and appreciating the intimacy that their partner is sharing with them. I certainly don’t think about my exes when I’m having sex in the moment. That’d be a waste of a good time. And even so, it’s comparing apples to oranges. Each dynamic was so different. Not to say that there weren’t times of good or bad sex, but if you’re in a long-term relationship, you’re supposed to be continuously learning each other’s bodies and if something doesn’t work or is awkward, you should be comfortable enough with each other to try and fix it. Even if you do compare, it’s likely that the experience is at least somewhat skewed in your head (maybe you’re just nostalgic, maybe the relationship ended badly and you selectively remember the bad).
I can see how you say the video (his past) does affect their sex life. Obviously, she’s upset by it. But I was just trying to say that what he did with his ex has no bearing on what they do today. Just because he enjoyed sex in the past, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t enjoy it now. Holding on to the tape (if done purposely) certainly affects it, because that makes it the present and not the past. Look at my response to Nick above about whether or not it has sentimental value–I’m not denying that it CAN be the present.
And I completely understand her loss of self esteem after seeing those images, I’m not denying that. I’d likely be devastated to see things like that. I came across an image of my partner’s ex once and felt a stab of pain. I wasn’t angry, didn’t judge, nor would I ever confront him (he didn’t owe me anything at that point it was taken), but it still hurt. Why didn’t I think to send him an image like that before then? But at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with ME. Unless he was stealing glances of it every time before we had sex or something, it’s not about me.
One other thing, maybe a bit off topic. She mentions him lying about ‘first times.’ Why is being the first so important to her? Sure my first kiss was memorable, but ones since then have been a million times more special and important to me.
I suppose it’s all about world views and if you view everything as a comparison and competition vs you view things like flow and change and collaboration. Like the whole question of why stay friends with exes. Well, if you view people as either “in” or “out”of your life I suppose you’d close the door on an ex. But if you view relationships as ever changing but still remaining valid (and of course if that relationship didn’t end in trauma or deep anger) then it’s possible to continue to love people in your life but in different ways.
One thing I’m learning about people is that they all have very good reasons for believing what they believe. For me, my way makes the most sense and is the most satisfying. But for Jules, well he’s got an extremely different world view than I do from relationships to politics. I believe he believes everything in his world view is right. And for him, I suppose it is. I don’t agree with it, but I’m not going to exert a huge amount of energy trying to argue him out of something that he probably wasn’t argued into.
A respectful way to have these conversations is to share our views and believe that the other person really values their own position and to leave it at that. And seems like that’s what’s happening
@Julie…
“Well, if you view people as either “in” or “out”of your life I suppose you’d close the door on an ex.”
Yes, this is how I live my life, indeed. You’re either “in” or “out.” I don’t like gray. While I cannot say it is right or wrong, this is what I believe. It works for me.
Side note on evolving relationships…..Many years ago while married, I had a major crush on a woman. We were both in lust. But, we did like one another as well.
We actually went on several dates…However, when I would not sleep with her (just could not bring myself to commit adultery), she pretty much relegated me to a “9 to 5″ friend. When she said I was her “9 to 5″ friend, I was really insulted. I stopped returning her calls. I ceased all communication with her. I guess this is what you also mean by a friendship evolving.
Nope, that’s not what I mean at all. I’m a little surprised you’d assume that. I don’t blame you for being insulted. If she wasn’t willing to remain connected as actual for real friends and wasn’t willing to see that that hurt you, I don’t blame you for deciding you’d prefer to draw a boundary.
I actually mean that the relationship remains connected but the roles you play in each other’s lives change (and are mutual in some way).
Way would you take a flash drive in my room & decide to look at what in it? ?
Should be the question to her plus my past is my past , I don’t look in anybody’s daily journal, so way would I look at their flash drive, unless she believe’s it’s okay for women to do so but when it comes to men since they are privileged by gender then they are not allowed to do the same thing !!!.
People are entitled to their histories; it what makes us who we are. That includes our successes and our failures; the relationships that showed us how to love, and those that taught us that love isn’t everything. We should embrace our past, and that of our partner, because without them we wouldn’t be together.
Sentimentality aside, there is also a certain shame we hold about our past, and in turn we shame others about their own. Our histories become private not for this reason alone, but also to manage the insecurity and jealousy (real or perceived) of our partners. Consider how this question was framed. Instead of asking how she can get her partner to open up more, and to feel safe sharing his private, inner life with her, she says, “I cant let go and my self esteem is shot now.”
This question isn’t really about him. The biggest issue isn’t the lying. Lying in relationships is so commonplace as to be unremarkable. Instead I would propose the biggest issue is why we can’t feel safe enough in our intimate relationships to reveal all of ourselves. What about the way they interact caused him to need to hide this? What about the way he reacts causes her to hide things? Is intimacy really possible when we spend so much time concealing ourselves from each other? Deal with that problem and the lying will take care of itself.
This is what I was thinking too.
@ Nick…
I agree with much of what you are saying. I comes down to open and honest disclosure.
Yet, many people just do not feel it is necessary to disclosure certain things. I disagree.
You wrote, “We should embrace our past, and that of our partner, because without them we wouldn’t be together.”
We can only be expected to embrace our partner’s past if it known. A partner should disclose relevant information and then allow the other person to embrace or not embrace. That is how I see it.
You cannot EXPECT someone to embrace your past just because….
By “embrace” I don’t mean “celebrate” but rather an acceptance of their past and how it has shaped them to make them into the person you like now. That means getting over feeling threatened by the fact that they have a past. That means not expecting our partners to act as if their previous partners are dead or were the most horrible people in the world; to not expect them to pretend that there wasn’t some joy in those previous relationships that they remember fondly.
I have probably a bunch of photos of old girlfriends, taken in the pre-digital era, strewn about in chronological order in old phot albums mingled with any other photos taken at that time. They probably show some kissing and cuddling, but I can’t imagine them showing any kind of sex or nudity, at least not anything “worse” than what you’d see at any given beach.
And I just don’t feel like combing through all the albums and picking out all the pictures in question.
Am I a bad or inconsiderate partner for that?
This is a little morbid maybe but one reason for getting rid of stuff like old sex tapes and old love letters is that you never know what each day will bring. You could get hit by a bus and your spouse/partner will find those things and will never have the opportunity to talk it over with you and understand why you kept it. You may cause him or her a lot of pain for the rest of their life as they wonder about your true feelings about the relationship. I’ve seen this happen.
It’s not enough to manage our partner’s current anxieties, we need to manage their future anxieties as well?
This is what I mean by being open with our intimate partners. As our relationships move from being casual to serious, we should be more fully intimate in those relationships. That means letting our partners know us more fully, making ourselves more vulnerable to each other.
She went snooping and found something that upset her. That’s often what happens when you invade someone’s privacy. This was not just an accidental discovery of a thumb drive. She saw it, wanted to know what was on it, stuck it into a computer, and, once she had a glimpse of what was on it, continued to open up files. Her curiosity was driven by what, exactly? A natural thirst for knowledge of all things electronic? An attempt to find the owner, just in case it was lost?
What she did was the equivalent of finding a book with “Diary” on the front and reading it cover to cover. It’s the equivalent of reading everything in his mind. Guess what, many of us still have fantasies or good memories about our exes. If you rooted around inside your boyfriend’s head, you would find a lot of things you wish you had never known about, just as you probably have thoughts and feelings you don’t share with your boyfriend. If there is absolutely nothing you don’t share with your boyfriend and you tell him every single thought and feeling you experience, then there’s some real boundary problems there.
Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you have to be fused with someone else and your individual identity disappears. To presume otherwise is either immature or controlling or both.
(For heaven’s sake, people, pay a few extra bucks and get a drive that’s password protected. If an e-moron like me can figure this out, anybody can.)
There were things he swore only we had done, one being something I cant do physically.
I can’t make sense of this? Anyone care to elaborate, please?
@FlyingKal: She means that she saw them doing sexual acts that he had told her he had only performed with her (like the way women in porn claim that it’s ‘my first anal’ or something like that). I’m not sure why he would lie about that, and if she did ask (which we’re not sure that she did), I don’t know why she would. I probably wouldn’t want to know either way, personally. It would only bring down my self-esteem and if I asked, remind him of his ex, which is the dead last thing I’d want him thinking about during sex. As for the “can’t do physically” part, I assume she’s talking about a sex act that she physically cannot perform. This is probably a huge reason why her self-esteem is shot. Now she knows that he likes something, but she can’t physically perform it. She could be wondering if he kept the tape because she’s not good enough for him.
It seems like the letter writer is saying that there was an act that she is normally not able to do but, for some reason, did it anyway. I guess she did something that came at the cost of discomfort to her and part of her decision to do it was because of the thought that it was something that he was only doing with her, just to find out he was lying about that part.
I can understand the her being betrayed by that.
(But I’m sure we can agree that exact details aren’t necessary to understand this, not that I think you are asking for exact details.)
I answered this, but it got completely lost or deleted for some reason. I’ll repost without using the trigger word:
@FlyingKal: She means that she saw them doing sexual acts that he had told her he had only performed with her (like the way women in p*rn claim that it’s ‘my first anal’ or something like that). I’m not sure why he would lie about that, and if she did ask (which we’re not sure that she did), I don’t know why she would. I probably wouldn’t want to know either way, personally. It would only bring down my self-esteem and if I asked, remind him of his ex, which is the last thing I’d want him thinking about during sex. As for the “can’t do physically” part, I assume she’s talking about a sex act that she physically cannot perform. This is probably a huge reason why her self-esteem is shot. Now she knows that he likes something, but she can’t physically perform it.
Thanks, both Danny and Aya.
No, I wasn’t in to getting exact details
Since English is not my native language, I always wonder if there are hidden meanings in some expressions that I’m missing or something.
And I just couldn’t figure out what she meant with that she (they) had done something she couldn’t do. Either they talked about it but didn’t actually do it. Or they did it once, at great discomfort to her, and are never trying it again.
Am I clear?
Ah I see. Yes when English is not one’s native language it can be tricky. And it doesn’t help that us native speakers aren’t exactly consistent with it.
He’s your boyfriend, not your husband- simple answer is ” he’s lying to you because that is what works for him”. If it doesn’t work for you- move on….
Do you own property together or have children?
Traumatic events that help to form one’s idea of sexual history is reason-enough to remain quiet.
Its not all that easy (nor welcome) telling your wife or GF that you have to fight-back thoughts, memories, and complete flashbacks to childhood rape when you are making love with her. Your whole “I’m a ‘normal,’ just like you” thing kinda falls to bits.
Are you prepared to hear the truth? Lying about past sexual history can be to protect you from feeling hurt, jealous, inadequate. And to protect oneself from being judged and criticized. You have to decide if knowing about the past is important to your future. The past doesnt exist, only the present, no use bringing it up if it will only cause pain. Unless it’s a redflag of deceit in the future.
Men and women alike lie. it’s not a gender issue
As usual, there’s a double standard here. Is there anyone here who truthfully tells their current partner everything they’ve done with exes? I sincerely doubt it, even if asked directly (honestly think about it). According to some women, it’s “ok” to lie about their sexual past so that they don’t hurt their partner or his ego. Why is it different for men then? She even stated there was an act she couldn’t do physically, so he was likely trying to not hurt her by revealing everything that was done and assumed she would never find out. She even said her self-esteem is shot. Had she not found the flash drive, there would be no issue here at all.
Seems to me that she may have a disability or physical limitation that prevents her from doing one or more sexual acts. He knew this and tried not to hurt her self-esteem, but in reality he enjoys those acts.
Let’s be honest here, there are partners in everyone’s past who they’ve had sexual chemistry with and there ARE fond memories of past lovers.
Concerning trust, there is the fine line of “snooping”. They are not married and there is no indication that they live together so why must there be 100% trust until you make that commitment? No matter how much anyone says it, there is never 100% trust in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. People don’t want to be hurt or cause problems in an otherwise good relationship. They are boyfriend and girlfriend.
What was she doing going through his things? That’s untrustworthy right there and indicates she was either looking for something or that she doesn’t trust him either. But that’s apparently OK right? It’s always been “OK” for women to snoop because they use the old “all men cheat” stereotype. Well, women cheat as much if not more than men, so is it OK for men to snoop through women’s things then?