Why I’ve Been Shocked By The Women I’ve Slept With

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A male writer remembers the women he’s met that pleasantly surprised him intimately, and how they smashed his preconceptions about who should be good at…you know.

 

 

I guess you could call me one of the more “typical” male writers for The GMP. I like my beer and football (the Yankee gridiron kind), and I’ve unashamedly gone to a Hooters. In different cities. Several different times. Yet, my politics mostly lean left, I’m pretty much for all for everyone’s human rights, and I have a real passion for everything that is the American woman.

Let me briefly explain. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve always really adored women. The way they look. The way they talk. The way they think. Obsession? Nah. Fascination? Guilty. I couldn’t help it then, and I can’t help it now. I think women are tons more fascinating than men could ever be. And, I’ve always been a bit of a flirt, so that plays into it as well.

Anyhoo, one of the things about women that I’ve been curious about is…sex. I’ve often wondered what women thought about sex. Do they like it? What kind of sex do they like? Is sex important to them? What do they think about the men they have sex with? How often did they want sex? What did they think about the men they’ve had sex with?

That last question is important, because as a man who’s had many serious, funny, open, and randy conversations with women about sex, women have often gone into detail with me about the men they’ve been with sexually. And many of these details have to do with surprises and revelations. Some of the men my female friends expected to be studs (the jacked personal trainer, the athlete) were average “performers”. But, more than a few men they assumed would be adequate lovers (men without muscles) turned out to have porn star level skills in the sack.

Well, I’m here to tell you, as a man who’s had my share of carnal interaction, the same thing goes for the ladies. You never know who will rock your world. I have to admit, I’d been taught by my fellow hetero men and society in general that hot women would be hot lovers, and the other women (heavy, average looking, etc.)…wouldn’t be. They wouldn’t be hot, wouldn’t be good, wouldn’t really be worth it.

Here are a  few examples of what I’ve learned “in the field”. There’ve been times I thought the yoga instructor with 2% body fat was going to tear me apart (in a good way). And she didn’t. (She wasnt bad) But the witty, bespectacled data entry clerk with the retro fashion sense did (she was amazing). A few times. There was the conservative, single, soccer mom who was Claire Huxtable by day, and a pagan sex goddess after 11pm. I’ll always remember the sarcastic “mean girl” who somehow convinced me to come to her place, and once “things” got started, I realized her attitude was just a shield to keep the bozos away from the most sexually gifted woman I’d met at that time of my life (let’s just say that whenever I went to her place, all appliances were turned off). I was very pleasantly surprised by each encounter ;) But, also blown (no pun intended) away. My preconceived ideas about women and sex were smashed (pun kinda intended). Sexy clothes, make up, and heels didn’t necessarily equal sexy woman nor sexy playtime.

This isn’t to say that the thin, typically beautiful women I’ve “known” in my life didn’t knock my socks off. Some of them have. I’m just pointing out that outward appearances alone can’t give you  an indication of the libido and the sexual prowess of any woman.

(And please, please don’t think me a player. I’m 41 years old. My volume of experiences is due to my time on Earth, not any Denzel-esque charm.)

In retrospect, what was so sexy about my individual sexual “discoveries” was having the privilege (or the honor) of seeing these women’s true sexual identities. Sides of them that many people wouldn’t get to see. And, frankly, enjoying these different personalities. Spending time with the data entry clerk was great because she was so sensual (and funny). Time spent with Sex Goddess Mom was always kinky and adventurous. The mean girl was actually very witty and open. And nude. A lot.

It’s obvious from what you’ve read from above, that I really love women. But, throughout the years, it’s been the constant, wonderful surprises from women that I’ve also equally loved. And who doesn’t love surprises?

 

Photo Viskan The Wild Card Flickr

 

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About Greg Simms

Greg Simms Jr. is an editor/writer for The Good Men Project.com, pop culture expert, thought leader, and speaker. He's spoken at colleges and events, and is available for speaking engagements and media (radio, television, internet) guest appearances. Simms Jr. has been published in HipHopDX.com, The Dayton Daily News, and several other digital and print publications. You can find him on Twitter (@gregsimmsjr) and contact him at [email protected]

Comments

  1. Do they like it? I do! What kind of sex do they like? Being married for 7 years with a 4 year old and opposite work schedules makes it difficult to have great sex every single time but we make it happen (even if it’s a bathroom quickie) on average 3 times a week. Is sex important to them? Yes! It’s an important part of health and happiness, but sadly some experience sexual trauma so it may be difficult for them. In addition, some are culturally conditioned to be indifferent or find it shameful. What do they think about the men they have sex with? I love him :-) We’ve been married 7 years and know each other from head to toe. How often did they want sex? Hmmmm that’s hard to quantify. Sometimes women need foreplay to really get into it and sometimes they’re ravenous for no apparent reason, clarify that question. What did they think about the men they’ve had sex with? My husband is very attentive :-) Though sometimes he nags so if I’m remotely in the mood, that pretty much kills it! I still love his body (hair and all :-P) and the smell of his skin.

  2. My relationship with sex is complicated and still evolving. I was sexually assaulted as a teen but even before that the messages I absorbed from society, my family, the media etc influenced my feelings about sex and my sexuality in a very negative way. It’s only now in my early 30’s that I’ve reached a place where I am comfortable with my body, my sexuality and my enjoyment of sex. No longer feeling ashamed of enjoying sex has been a freeing experience and I will be forever grateful to a particular ex who (along with a lot of therapy) gave me the safe place I needed to finally admit that I am bi-sexual and to explore what I do and don’t like in bed. Other lovers since then have helped me refine my tastes and explore further including teaching me that it not only ok, but very very sexy, to know what you want in bed and ask for it.

    So to answer your questions – yes I like sex – a lot – but only when it’s with someone who treats me with respect. The more a lover shows me that he is willing to put my needs first and make sex an enjoyable experience for me, the more I will return the favour. How important is sex – incredibly important. I couldn’t live without it, its right up there with food, air and music in terms of being a base need. I make no apologies for the fact that I refuse to put up with bad sex or being treated like little more than blow up doll. I could never be in relationship with a man who was prudish or makes me feel judged for my past or my enjoyment of sex. What do I think of the men I have sex with – everything from outright hatred and disgust to indifference to some very fond memories. How often do I want to have sex? With the right man I could have sex all night, every night – when it’s good and I’m feeling good about myself I’m insatiable.

    • Greg Simms says:

      “Insatiable”. It’s awesome you had the courage to write that. Owning your sexuality, now matter how mild or crazy it is (NOT saying yours is), is very important.

  3. When I was younger I put up with whatever a guy wanted to do even if it left me feeling bad because I wanted to please, I somehow thought men just new more about sex (totally wrong) and didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I also was more hungry for attention then I was respect. I think a lot of younger girls are. It took a like time for me to learn some important things and how to stand up for myself in relationships with men.

    But when I was younger, I felt better about my body and looks before I began discovering what men really wanted and expected from women physically. Even though when I was younger I was chubbier and not as in good shape. I don’t think men were as harsh on women about looks either a decade ago like they are today with the never ending supply of men downloading photoshopped images of internet beauties. I feel body shame and simply like I’m just not good enough physically compared to what I see average regular guys wanting from women on a physical level. So I’ve completely taken myself out of the dating game. I’m both *too* much of certain things and not enough of other things and that pretty much adds up to being clearly what men don’t want phyiscally and men are always going on about how important women’s looks are. There might be tiny glimmers of men talkign about how they like other things, but even on GMP, it’s *always*, *always*, *always* about how women look that is really the most important, key thing in men’s experiences with women. I don’t want to be the woman he is on the fence about dating because I don’t meet his physical requirements. I want a man who is excited by me and who I am. I suspect most men fancy themselves wanting Maxim models and I don’t want to have to enter a relationship competing with his never ending desire to fantasize about all the other internet fantasies he doesn’t have but feels entitled to while *settling* for me in the process. Or the woman he likes to spend time with but is always turning his head for the next hot girl.

    Frankly, I’m surprised that anyone would automatically assume someone who looks hot would automatically be good at sex. I can honestly say that I *never* thought this about men or women. But perhaps a lot of guys think this way because of the disproportionate amount of sexual media of hot women catering to a man’s every whim.

    • I completely agree with you about how bizarre it is that physically attractive people are assumed to be better at sex. I don’t really understand where this comes from, and I can’t imagine it makes any sense to anyone who’s ever experienced deep, emotionally involved, passionate sex with someone they care about. I spent six years in a relationship with someone I was crazy about — my best friend who understands me more than probably any future partners will — and while he wasn’t “hot” according to our bullshit standards (nor was I), we had the most intensely amazing sex life. Even when one of us wasn’t really in the mood, we understood each other’s bodies so well and knew exactly how to do the job well for each other. On one of our several “breaks” from being together, I had sex with two other men who were more representative of “hot” male beauty standards — one somewhat on the thin side but with muscle definition and a sexual reputation that preceded him, the other with a much quieter sexual history but an almost body-builder level physique — and I have never been more bored in my life. The first, while pretty damn experienced, treated me like every other lay and just covered the basics (or so what he thought) to get the job done (which he didn’t); he made zero effort to personalize the encounter in any way, and I kicked him out of bed feeling shallow, empty, worthless, and desperately missing my ex. The second, who while very built in the muscles he exercised frequently, was seriously lacking in length or girth in the only muscle that really mattered to me at that moment (of course this is not his fault, but it absolutely plays into the point that outward physical attractiveness had NO correlation to his performance abilities). He didn’t even make an attempt at basic foreplay and I just lay there the entire time (feeling almost nothing going on) hoping that he would be quick on the draw so I could roll over and have some good dream sex. Never EVER will I make the mistake again of hoping someone might even be halfway decent just because they’re attractive.

      And on the flip side, I think a lot of guys would be SHOCKED if they knew how many “hot” girls have rancid hygiene habits. This is a completely biased stereotype, but based on my experience in life, it tends to be the “hot” girls around me who get away with not showering as frequently as you’d like or not brushing their teeth every night. Again, another stereotype, but I honestly have always had this perception that physically attractive girls in general don’t feel that they need to work as hard in bed because, well, they’re hot. It’s like this attitude of, “Look at how hot I am naked. You’re so lucky to be having sex with me. Now I’m gonna lie here while you try to savor how attractive I am.” I’ve heard from a lot of my guy friends that the cliche hot girl is extremely boring to have sex with because she puts such little effort in that she might as well be asleep. It’s fascinating to me that our cultural perception of what physical features are supposed to arouse you do not at all translate into actual pleasure during intercourse.

  4. Thanks for writing this! As someone who’s been feeling insecure about my appearance lately, it’s nice to hear from a guy who’s had great sex with women who weren’t a 10 on the bro rating system. I can certainly attest to the fact that some of us, who aren’t 100% jaw-dropping, are pretty damn good in bed. :)

  5. Joolsey says:

    Thanks for sharing your perspective… I love having sex, and mostly my only regret is that I haven’t had enough! In my earlier years I was just afraid… Disease, pregnancy and even of mockery.. But those. Were my issues and pretty much worked out by my early 40s… Since that time (I’m 55) I’ve had several one night stands, an exciting encounter that was followed up by a few other encounters that were more private, and several erotic massage experiences. (Those are fun!) but I know I am discounted because I am larger and very successful… My lovers have all been younger, and a few were somewhat surprised, but it was pretty clear to me that most all of them really enjoyed women…

    • Greg Simms says:

      Hey, sexual awakening at any age is awesome :) It’s good to see that your confidence, sexual and overall, has grown.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Ughhhh , I would rather teach a hot woman how to have the type of sex we both enjoy than teaching a stretch marked , lazy, chubby or fat clerk how to eat or be fit .
    Just say it bro , you like fat asses .

  7. I think the author of this article would dig Guys We Fucked: The Anti Slut Shaming Podcast (www.soundcloud.com/guyswefucked)

  8. Being a newb in this area I can say I have no idea what you are talking about, but you have certainly encouraged me. Can’t wait to get married now lol

  9. Thanks for your article. As I very much agree. Though I probably don’t have as much experience as yourself in the world of sex. I’ve slept with more than my fair share of women, and though I use to follow society’s standards of hook ups. I’ve changed, and now enjoy the married life.
    That being said, most gorgeous women aren’t that great in bed at all, and this is my thought as to why. They are gorgeous, and don’t feel the need to please. From what I’ve encountered. They feel as of they’re pleasing you with their presence and beautiful body. Though this is true to some degree. It does not exempt them from partaking; and being free in the bedroom.
    The girls to which I’ve found best in bed. Are ones that your girl next door kind of scenarios. Most men don’t gauk at them. Nor do most guys try going after them constantly at the bar. However, they are rockstars in the bedroom. Ready to put on a show, and to have a good time.
    My wife and I have definitely have an incredible sex life, and she’s the best I’ve ever been with. Of course, she isn’t the gorgeous girl in the world by others standards. However, she is the most gorgeous girl in my world, and it’s our chemistry…. Our heart felt connection. That can easily make a crazy sex night or just a night of missionary and passionate kissing. Turn into something to which goes over the top from any of my past experiences with other women.

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