Bob Schwenkler on how women crave more than a man who can simply last longer.
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On the words “man” and “woman”. I’m acutely aware of the gender binary language that I’m using in this article. Every time you read the word “man” feel free to substitute it for the alternate that most suits you. Ever time you read the word “woman” please do the same. My wish is that you read beyond the syntax and open up to the underlying message of this article.
What Women Really Want
Do you want to last longer in bed? Have you, at any point in your life, had this desire?
Did you ever stop to ask yourself why? Did you ever stop to ask yourself if this is what women truly want from you as a lover?
My experience working around sex, love, and relationship with men and women is that lasting longer is simply scratching the surface. If all women wanted was for a man to last longer they might as well throw out the human and substitute him for an inanimate object that will never come, never get soft, and won’t be done sexing simply because he’s ejaculated. To my knowledge I haven’t yet met a single woman who wants this.
So what DO women want?
I certainly can’t speak for every woman in the world, but I hear enough patterns to know that so many want more. More what? It’s not about the length of the sex session, it’s about the depth of the pleasure and presence.
More Pleasure
When I say pleasure I’m not speaking strictly in terms of physical pleasure. In any given moment a woman’s response to physical touch can vary dramatically. Since that’s true it’s not so much about what we’re doing, it’s about the attention and awareness that we bring to the act of sex.
So what I really mean is more openness, vulnerability, depth. This is what allows us to provide more pleasure to a woman.
It’s about how much of our hearts can we open up. It’s about how much of ourselves we will allow to be seen, heard, and felt. This is what it means to be vulnerable.
This is the opposite of what men are typically taught. But if it’s true that what our partner craves is connection and pleasure, not simply a sexual robot who performs the moves that will get her off, he must do something different than he’s been taught. He must share the parts of him that he has never shared with anyone else, even himself.
A man can only be felt by his partner to the extent he allows himself to be felt.
Only then can sex become the ultimate act of connection and intimacy that it holds as possible.
More Presence
What does it mean to be present? It means being freed up enough from our emotional baggage and the stories that we’ve learned about what it means to be men and how to please a woman. It means being in touch with our intuition. It means having the awareness to pay attention to her body and notice what makes her start to move uncontrollably. It means showing up to every interaction without expectation for how it will go or what it will end with. Presence is being in the moment. It’s being in a flow state.
It’s also an unachievable goal. There’s no such thing as 100% unconditionally present. There’s always deeper to go. It’s a lifelong practice.
Some men will feel weighed down by the responsibility of it and tend to stay in their comfort zones when it comes to sex, relationship, and emotional intimacy.
But other men will be deeply inspired. They’ll be drawn toward ever deeper levels of connection with themselves and their partner.
And in the end, it turns out that so many men want all of this too. Men have suffered greatly from trying to conform to the performance-based roles that get levied upon us all throughout our lives.
We want full, integrated self expression. This is a place where we can tap into the full range of our human potential, from single-minded-primal-fuck-like-an-animal energy to deep love and tenderness. All accessible from one moment to the next.
We crave freedom from the tiny portion of the sexual spectrum that we’ve been taught to stay within. We crave the feeling of bringing ourselves to our lovers in a state of full aliveness, passion, love, and confidence.
And a man who wants all of this is desirable to a woman who also does.
The How to Section
This is where the rubber meets the road. Do you truly want to become a more present lover that can provide vastly more pleasure to your partner? Here are a couple starting points:
1. Ask for feedback. It’s one of the most vulnerable, powerful, and trust building actions you may ever take. A man who is confident in the bedroom is willing to learn and grow. He realizes that the ego talk and feelings of emasculation that may come from honest feedback given by a lover are gifts, reflections that he can use to become an even better version of himself and to show up more fully in all parts of a relationship.
2. Cultivate practices of embodiment. What is embodiment? It’s having access to the full range of your emotions that are available to you as a human being. ALL of them. Sadness, anger, grief, joy, fear… This doesn’t mean that you are at the mercy of these emotions. To the contrary, it means you’ve cultivated a relationship with them. When you cultivate a relationship to your emotions they stop controlling you. You begin to have exponentially more choice in your life, relationships with others, and yes, during sex.
Simply put, if you don’t know yourself through and through, how can you expect to bring all of yourself to the act of love making?
Given the amount of poor socialization that we receive growing up, this deep inner work is a requirement for the man who truly wishes to provide the gift of presence to his lover. Organizations like The ManKind Project, courses like Advanced Sexual Stamina for Men, coaches like John Wineland, and teachers like David Deida are all doing powerful work in this area.
Don’t Take My Word For It
I’m not the expert on you. All I have to go off of is experience with myself and the select group of women and men I’ve worked with professionally, my intuition, and the stories that others have shared with me.
What really matters is what these words call out from you.
What kind of man are you in (and out of) the bedroom? Have you ever even asked yourself this question?
What would you like the answer to be?
How does that answer compare with the reality?
Got You Thinking? Do Something About It.
I know that some of you reading will not agree with what I’m saying. That’s fine. This article is written for those who are inspired by what I’m saying. It’s for the men who see that more is possible and who are inspired to take action.
Think to yourself, what’s the next step forward that you can take?
Now go take it.
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Bob Schwenkler is the creator of Advanced Sexual Stamina for Men. If you’re a man who knows he’s capable of a more fulfilling sex life and who would like to provide deeper and more extended amounts of pleasure to his partner(s) please go to www.advancedsexualstamina.com.
ehh.. it’s crazy to think about but the “average man” can only last 5 minutes. That makes me cringe so hard at the thought of how many women are going completely “unattended”. The crazy thing there’s a free course that can take you to lasting entire albums or your entire playlist. Seriously, it’s right here, a quick google search. http://goo.gl/LMWWIz … Ross Aken. look. You have nothing to lose.