John McElhenney just trashed his online dating profiles, so he can find his real match in the real world.
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We’ve all heard the stories about all the happily married couples who met through online dating sites. I don’t know what your experience has been, but I don’t buy it. Why? Because all online dating sites, regardless of the algorithms, gimmicks, or “science,” are more like Facebook than real life.
Here are just a few examples of how online profiles lie.
- Pictures lie. Even recent pictures, when taken with the right light, can make a NOT look like a HOT.
- Words are made up ideas. Yadda yadda, we all like beaches and wine. Music, too.
- Chemistry is impossible online. You can’t imagine how that person will feel, or you will feel, when you’re physically together.
- The mind is wonderful, but even eloquent emails and text messages can add up to zero when you meet.
- Some people are on dating sites purely for entertainment not actually to date.
What online dating sites do well is up your odds of meeting people you might not otherwise ever come in contact with. And there’s a good reason you’re not already meeting these people in person. The people you encounter during your daily routine, when you are out and about and doing the things that are important and fun to you, tend to be people with whom you share common interests. There’s a reason that an extroverted creative type like me isn’t going to naturally run across an introverted mathematician. It’s because we have so little in common, virtually zero overlap. Put another way, you’re more likely to meet an animal lover at the zoo, an art appreciator at the museum, or a wine enthusiast at a tasting than you are to find these kindred spirits in cyberspace.
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You’re more likely to meet an animal lover at the zoo, an art appreciator at the museum, or a wine enthusiast at a tasting than you are to find these kindred spirits in cyberspace.
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So I’m bored on a week night and have some unscheduled time. I can choose between a lot of different activities. I could go out and get some exercise—that would be healthy. But setting aside the self-improvement regimen for a minute, I could:
a. spend time on Facebook chatting about nothing,
b. spend time on Match.com browsing faces for a hit, or
c. do something creative.
What I’ve come around to lately is that c. is the only valid use of my time. Let me explain.
Facebook looks and feels like community. We call it social media, but it’s becoming more just media media. They’re showing you approximately 8% of your friend’s status updates and messages. The rest … is Facebook. Pabulum. Media. Consumerism. Today Facebook is a lot more like TV than it used to be. After taking a 99-day break from my FB habit, I’m happier and more productive. I’ve dipped back in a little, but no more hours socializing.
You choose and carefully crop your most flattering pictures, list your best accomplishments and leave out your failures, and make note of your endearing quirks.
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Online dating may also seem like a worthy activity, especially if you’re seeking companionship. But the illusion created by social media makes us think we have a pretty good idea of who these “potentials” say they are, and what they look like today, while in truth we don’t. Profiles on Facebook or OK Cupid are generally similar. You choose and carefully crop your most flattering pictures, list your best accomplishments and leave out your failures, and make note of your endearing quirks. Except on dating sites you don’t get to see the quirks. (Well, OK Cupid’s questions sections are full of quirks, and kinks, but that’s a different conversation all together.) No one’s going to tell you they snort when they laugh, have bad breath, or only like to talk about themselves.
Creative process is where I grow as a person and as an artist (writer, musician, poet, whatever). And as I am growing myself up, and growing into my creative energy I am also putting out more energy and more joy—which makes me more attractive and more fun to be with. I think this dating thing is all about joy. It’s a little bit about looks. And a little bit about thoughts. But the chemistry part is all about joy—mutual joy. If you feel joy at the sight of someone, or when you first hear their voice or experience their smile, there’s a hit. If you feel nothing or something less that nothing (negative), that’s a clear indicator of where things are headed.
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I spent a good part of a week recently getting to know a new woman online, and I could sense the potential. I could admire her good looks, dark eyes, and flashing wit. And yet there was something that wasn’t coming across. I couldn’t decipher it right away. I was hopeful and encouraged by our promising start. And her persistence in getting back together again the next day. “Spontaneously.” I loved that. “Yes, yes, yes,” it said to my brain.
But …
In my joyous engagement I was missing something from her that I couldn’t identify. I thought I was listening well, responding well, and behaving well. I thought we were moving things along nicely. But I could only make those assumptions about myself and my own thinking. While she was sharing a lot about life and asking a lot of questions about me, she wasn’t really lighting up. She was … reserved. She admitted to being an introvert, and I initially thought, “Oh, that’ll be interesting, to see how I am in relationship to an introvert.”
I had been feeling the miss, but I was trying to force it to be a match. I wanted “her” to work.
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And even in the real world, with all of our faculties between us, the miss between us was something deeper. After three meetings and the promise of an actual “date” for the weekend ahead, I was feeling good and yet still mixed. I walked away from our last meeting wondering, “Am I the one pushing this one along? Am I making this one happen? Am I trying to invent my lover?”
The next morning, she pinged me saying she’d considered our time together and felt it wasn’t going to be a match for her. She was canceling the date. And she would catch up with me spontaneously as the occasion might arise in the future.
I was disappointed, but not totally surprised.
I had been feeling the miss, but I was trying to force it to be a match. I wanted “her” to work. And that’s when I understood it was time to kill my online dating profiles. I WANT a relationship too much. My focus has gotten lost in all this browsing, assessing, and pursuit. What I really need to pursue is my dream and my creative output. I am confident that if I do that, the rest will follow.
I have time for a relationship. I have the will and the energy. And if I want to meet a match, I need to put myself and my life in the places where “she” already is. In real life, not online.
Sure, I will have another great love. But first, I must become the great lover I hope to meet, by becoming large enough to call her in, without the help of a dating site.
Always Love,
John McElhenney
@wholeparent
back to Dating After Divorce
related posts:
- The 6-Step Relationship Strategy
- Unlocking Touch – The Love Language I Speak
- How Long Will it Hurt? Divorce Recovery, the Road Back to Happiness
- Ready or Not-Ready for a Relationship: The Dating Game
image: dining alone, john mcelhenney, cc 2014
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
John, I have realised the same things about online dating sites.
You seem like a very intelligent person, and I am looking for an intelligent person, among other things, to spend my life with. If you are not in any relationship yet, why not try one more time and see if you and I are a chemical match?
PS: I had one disastrous meeting with an online chap which basically destroyed my life, so why do I go online again, am I a fool? No, the simple truth is that I never get out, because all my female friends have emigrated and I am not one to go out on my own. I have recently returned from overseas where I was supposed to marry this criminal, and have to start my life all over again back in my own country. It’s not easy. I don’t wish to spend the rest of my life alone, that’s just me.
This time I have been extremely careful online, and don’t give my real name or any details, until I meet the man and feel safe to do so. I have met none yet because I am too careful now. Janey is thus not my real name of course.
I can only speak to my experience about online dating 1. My Best Friend met her Husband on a Dating site. 2. My Aunt met my Uncle on a Dating site. 3. I met my Husband on a Free Dating site. 1. The things i think the people who have success online are doing is using online for an introduction but you have to get offline and actually go out with people. 2. Be prepared to ignore or block the Rude people who are there for the wrong things. 3. Be prepared to go on Dates and see if things… Read more »
Thoughtful article; I have come to similar conclusions. I find the process of online dating lacks the spontaneity I need in my life. I find most women, even those with ‘live’ profiles never message me back. Those that do, want to exchange a lot of emails/texts before meeting which is not a way I like to communicate. I think women have very different expectations from online dating to men; they appear to believe that the electronic process can provide them with a man who possesses a list of ingredients they want. They then reject any man who falls short of… Read more »
Us good men never do well with on line dating.
John, I have just read two of your articles and I agree with most everything you write, its like you are inside my head….its nice to hear a man speak of the same feelings about dating and relationships as I as a woman feel…..being single at my age in the new age of technology is not fun. Keep on publishing the “real” articles its nice not to feel so alone .
Online dating never worked for me..and yes, totally a numbers game! I’d rather meet someone “organically” than in cyberspace where there’s lack of connection. Just reminded me that the best people came into my life when I wasn’t looking. 🙂
Sure there are success stories with online dating and many more misses. And you’re right. People spend hours online going through profiles. hours that could and should be spent living life where spontaneously one might meet someone and have a fit more organically. This piece is so honest and refreshing. Many people cannot find the courage for the insight that they want and relationship too much and that scrolling and And pinging is actually taking away from the life they are supposed to be living. You put your best foot forward at the beginning of any relationship but it’s not… Read more »
You nailed it, “scrolling and And pinging is actually taking away from the life they are supposed to be living.” That’s where I’m coming from, or I guess, going to. Thanks for your comment.
In the last week I’ve messaged 20 women, 1 replied saying I was too far away and wished me luck and I thanked her, wished her well….the rest pretty much looked at my profile, and didn’t even bother replying. Had some female friends look at my profile and think it was nice so lord knows what I’ve failed on there. I’ve had 2 women that are “mutual meet” matches (we both clicked meet this person indicating we like each other) who ignore the polite message, which is very weird….I mean why click on the meet and then ignore the person?… Read more »
It’s hard. The imbalance is real for us guys. I am just taking a break. I’m going to seek some women in the offline world. There are a few I’d like to chat up, and if I don’t have any “online” outlet, I might get up the nerve to go talk to them.
I met my husband online. I was 42. I met a lot of nice people-nicer than the (usually) married men who chatted me up in the real world. I met 40 or so men for coffee and dated one for a month but he would not remove his profile so I ended the relationship. I met the man who would become my husband that week. Overall it was a good experience but I found most of the men had unrealistic expectations about the kind of women they could attract. A lot complained to me about the “fat fifty year olds”… Read more »
Ouch! This is right on the money. “A lot complained to me about the “fat fifty year olds” who sent them messages – even though they too were “fat fifty year olds”. Even for me, I aspire to someone more fit than I am. Of course I’m working on it, but so are most of us. Thanks for your kind perspective.
Nice article. The biggest problem I’ve seen with online dating is that people get so caught up in browsing for a partner that meets their expectations that they don’t make a true effort with the ones they meet. Imagine you go on a date with a nice girl, you have a good time and you think ‘okay I can go out with her again’. Then that night you get on your dating website and that hot girl you sent a message to a week ago finally replied. Or you run across someone else you think will meet your possibly unrealistic… Read more »
Joseph, I get your point. Women are deluged with available men. Why not play the field when the field keeps bringing new potential partners. Thanks for your comment.
It is not online dating that ruins it, but your inability to let things happen and go with the flow. Stop trying so hard. I have met horrible people in the real world and very good people online. Sometimes things are not meant to be regardless where you meet them.
It’s a numbers game, I get that. And believe me, I’m going with the flow. I’m just turning off the online concept for a while and going looking in the offline world. Yes, there are good people online too. But the process of trying to sort the real from the BS is tiring. Time to give myself a rest. Thanks for your comment.
John I have only been searching online for two weeks, it’s truly exhausting. Frankly I hate it. If you’re not already in a relationship, by the time you read this as I said above, lets see if we can cut the online nonsense and meet in real life. Make or break (wink) …