It’s not the length that concerns Damon Young, so why does he think orgasms are overrated?
This was originally published on Very Smart Brothas.
Although I haven’t brought an egg timer or stop watch to bed with me to measure one yet, I feel very confident in saying that my average orgasm lasts somewhere between three and eleven seconds. And, although I haven’t done any extensive research on this topic, I feel equally confident in saying that most men could say the exact same thing. (Perhaps, since every man has one, we should start saying “Opinions are like three- to eleven-second long orgasms.” Gives the saying a bit more punch than “assholes” does.)
You’re probably wondering why I seem to be so concerned with the length of my—and the rest of my brethren’s—orgasms. It’s not the length that concerns me, though. It’s the lengths we go through to do something that lasts about as long as it’ll take for you to read the rest of this sentence.
Before I continue, although the title lets you know that I think orgasms are undoubtedly overrated, don’t take that to mean that I think they’re bad. They are the antithesis of bad. They are outstanding, amazing, superb, practical, remarkable, resourceful, colorful, enlightening, and even occasionally educational. I’ve had orgasms that have made me speak in dead languages (Fluently!), that have made me scream the same dignity-less scream I’d scream if I woke up with a spider on my lip, that have made me get up and fry bacon buck naked, that have even made me whisper ”damn” with the same understated reverence usually reserved for Free’s ass, movies where Denzel sheds tears, and your mom’s turkey gravy. As a self-proclaimed orgasm expert, I staunchly believe that a collective increase in our country’s orgasms would lead to a collective decrease in our country’s crime. Orgasms are, by any stretch of the imagination, the shit.
But, while their status as the shit is unquestioned, this shitness pales in comparison to the effort we take to receive them. Seriously, think about the absurd, idiotic, embarrassing, and scandalous-ass stuff we’ve done just because of the mere possibility of having an orgasm. Think about the time you flew to New York during a coast-wide blackout, or the time you risked your perfectly good relationship to have one, or the time in high school you begged your mom to let her borrow her car and conveniently “forgot” to pick her up from work on time just so you could have more time to have an orgasm with a person that you thought so little of that they weren’t allowed past the basement steps and still think so little of that you just blocked them from your Facebook feed last week. If you’ve had unprotected sex before (which, I’m assuming 99.7% of the sexually active people reading this have) you’ve risked your freakin’ life for an orgasm.
Now, I realize that this need to orgasm isn’t necessarily about the orgasms as much as the context (the person you’re with, the connection you share, and blah, blah, blah, blah) and what can possibly happen when you have one (procreation). In this sense, it’s a means to an evolutionary end. But, although I’m not sure if our minds are advanced enough to perform the cognitive dissonance needed to completely disassociate having an orgasm with what could very likely be the result of that orgasm, I know that I’ve never, ever, ever consciously thought “I need to put a baby in her belly” when seeing an attractive woman at the bar. In fact, I’ll usually be thinking of putting the, um, “results of my orgasm” anywhere on her person (foot, cheek, back, ear, back of the ear, etc) except for the one place it’s supposed to go (vagina).
Would I still maintain that orgasms were overrated if they lasted longer? Perhaps. But, considering the effort undertaken to receive them, orgasms might have to last 120 to 150 minutes to begin to receive an accurate return on our investment, and I don’t know if we’re prepared to handle that.
I do know, though, that 25 to 30 minutes after I finish writing this, there’s a (98.7%) chance that I’m going to check a special folder on my desktop, grab a lubricating agent, a towel, turn the heat up in my place so my hands and feet don’t get cold, and begin the process that’s going to lead to that aforementioned three to eleven seconds of unadulterated theshitness.
But, despite this relatively miminal effort, only one thought is going to go through my head while I perform my usual post-masturbatory duties (clean up, shower, self-loathe, etc.) “Damn, I was right. This IS overrated. Perhaps I’ll hurry up and perform this overrated task again.”
—Photo kait jarbeau is in love with you/Flickr
About Damon Young
I’m just going to throw this out there: it is a serious mistake to conflate an orgasm and sex.
That’s like saying that kicking a ball into a net is the same thing as a soccer game. It’s not. It’s not even close.
Sure, ideally, you want to end up with the ball in the net, and it feels great when you finally score the goal. But working up a sweat, making plays and responding to the other person on the field, impressing upon another and being impressed, truly paying attention to the way someone else moves, the noises they make, the directions they’re heading in. That’s what soccer is actually about. And sex.
We aren’t all just gunning for an orgasm. We’re sharing a truly unique experience with someone else. We’re creating passion and memories. And even if we don’t care for each other at all, in the words of Robert Heinlein it’s still “healthy exercise.”
I may be on the female end of the spectrum…but yeah that’s kind of what I was thinking too, Mike. And I gotta say I really like that sports analogy too.
That was a great analogy.
And I completely agree: if all people cared about was orgasm, they would just masturbate. Less work for a (usually) more intense orgasm.
Duration is one aspect of orgasms; intensity is quite another. Five seconds of absolute and utter bliss is, in fact, more valuable than a half-hour of mild enjoyment.
Yeah, I totally get what the author is talking about. Totally. Still, the return on investment, regardless of how small it is, is worth it. A bit of heaven on earth is worth a few hours or days of effort.
I am also confused as to why it is overrated, and overrated compared to what exactly – eating?
I can easily eat for 30 minutes at a time while thirty of orgasm would probably kill me.
On a scale of one to Adele, who can deny that the big O is rolling in the deep?
Otherwise, I agree with everything but your main thesis…Damon
“Otherwise, I agree with everything but your main thesis…Damon”
That seriously had me in tears. lol.
I’d like to apply the same logic to getting married.
A wedding is just one part of one day, so in the grand scheme of things it’s not really worth all the hassle that people put into it. Totally overrated, given how short it is. An exchange of vows is just a few minutes, totally overrated.
If the lead-up to orgasm seems too much effort for so little payoff, just think about the *consequences* of some orgasms. If I can hardly be bothered to fire up the laptop, imagine how hard it will be for me to be a father. Or to remember to take my herpes medication. Or both.
Well written. Never really thought about this topic in this context. Thx.