Lynn Beisner explains why many women are flipping out over the misogynous UCSB Shooter.
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I realized today that a lot of guys might not understand why women are flipping out over the SB shooter. I can’t answer for every woman, but let me explain why this woman is flipped out:
Just about every woman, even those you consider ugly, have had at least one guy harass or threaten us because we didn’t have sex with him. They say outrageously violent things. For example, not too long ago I got a message from a guy who wanted to teach me a lesson by f-ing me up the ass with a broomstick.
What adds to our fear is the nasty things that men say about women online, where they tell the truth because they don’t fear censure. We are exposed to ever increasing levels of harassment and threats of violence.
One of the key ways that we have coped is by telling ourselves: “But no one is ever going to actually make good on those threats.”
And now we are having to face the fact that we have been lying to ourselves. We are not just at risk of being beaten or raped for our sexual choices. People can get mowed down with semi-automatic weapons.
We have to reevaluate how much danger we are really in, and that is terrifying.
Photo:Flickr/Katrijn Michiels
It’s very much a problem when someone expresses their feelings and experiences and they are met with anger, dismissiveness, undermining of their experiences, sarcasm, belittlement, stories about why it’s more signifiant to talk about other stories then the one presented and so forth. Maybe you aren’t the person sending out rape threats. But dismissing the issue because you’re not the one making the threats, not acknowledging that it happens, not showing the least bit of interest in giving any kind of empathy, always responding that violence happens to everyone therefore the violence and life experience of a group of people… Read more »
“But no one is ever going to make good on those threats…” Great article on pointing out the menace that certain vulnerable people feel in their lives….I am different now, but a few years ago, I walked out of my office building and found my ex-abuser sitting in a car parked right outside the front door….I had not seen him in 20 years…to describe the last violent scene when he finally left 2 decades ago makes my stomach drop….Seeing him just sitting in his car triggered an avalanche of chest pain and sheer panic….even though I headed quickly over to… Read more »
Lynn, Thanks for sharing your personal experience with male sexual harassment and violence. When we speak personally it allows us to empathize and share more deeply. With empathy and deep sharing we can better understand how to protect ourselves and those we love. The kind of response you have gotten from some men who didn’t get sex and the kind of vulgar and violent on-line responses that have been directed to you are truly disheartening. I resonate with what you’re saying. In my practice I work with violent men and also some violent women. Being a small, nerdy, kid growing… Read more »
Another part at play here, maybe: Guys may be ignorant to a lot of this simply because we’re afraid we aren’t protecting the women we love at all times. I know that I, personally, want to envelope my wife and daughters and protect them from all manner of bad things, even though I know that is not humanly possible. So, if we don’t know it’s there, we feel less accountable if something bad happens. I’m not phrasing this well, but I do wonder if there is an unintentional ignorance here that is not accounted for.
I have been surprised in the last days talking with men, who for the most part can’t understand much of the fear that has become common to my life, and worked into my routines. Like driving a car, I almost never consider all the precautions I take. Until things like this happen and I am forced, like you, to re-realize. How often have I been told not to go for a walk after dark? How often do I walk to my car with my keys like Edward Scissorhands, ready to strike an attacker (like my mother taught me)? I can’t… Read more »
You do realise, H, that certainly in my country at least (UK), men are at higher risk of every other kind of violence? Society doesn’t particularly care about that either.
Do you know what I don’t do (or endeavour not to do) in response to that problem? Generalise and stereotype. I would love to see women actually making some effort not to do this, as I have, instead of just diving into further rationalisation.
One thing to be set straight on that guy; he did not have a crush on any of those girls. They did not snub him. When you have a crush on someone you at least know their names. You fantasize, you like a person. A “blonde” (like he called them) is an ego boost. A pathetic attempt at earning some self esteem through sex. Just what pick-up artistry is all about. We tell girls that they are worth more then how many men want to bed them. Why don’t we teach the same thing to boys?They won’t be so desperate.… Read more »
I agree Cynthia, I find this attitude generally American or anglo-centric. Yes similar views are also in other places in the world (especially under the western cultural umbrella) but very limited outside the us/uk.
A big car, succesfull in sport and lots of women especially blondes (whats up with this blonde fetish?) this is american idiocy (no offense)…being succesfull in everything. And if you fail you are a loser…hmm m’okay.
I consider myself fortunate that im not raised in such enviroment…again no offence. There are lots of good things in UK/USA but this specifically is a turn off.
That’s a tough one Lynn. I hope that men in general understand why women are freaking out. At the same time that’s not the world we live in. A lot of us are supposed to be the ones who face up to the threat. Maybe the fact that we are supposed to take action in these situations gives us a different perspective. It gives us the luxury of then not worrying about what might happen. For good or bad we’re pretty locked in. When something goes down it can be just a crap shoot. I wish I could make you… Read more »
Wow that is rough. Fortunately by virtue of being born male I have never been threatedened by a man.. or a woman. Fortuantely society cares too much for men to ignore that tens of men in Chicago while while being panicked about two young coeds who died. Clearly the dead men at UCSB (twice as many as women) had nothing to fear either. Rather men aren’t making a big noise about it, because we simply know the feminists in the media don’t care about men. Women are safer than men at in times of war (% of female soldiers vs.… Read more »
Wow. I do love the fact that this killer left a clearly written out manifesto where he laid out in detail how much he hated women, how much he blamed the misery of his life on the fact that women wouldn’t sleep with him, how he wanted to put women in a concentration camp and starve them, and how he wanted kill all but a tiny percentage of women: and yet guys like you can walk forward and claim that men are the real victims here. Dude – this isn’t a statistical anomaly; this isn’t a “most guys don’t”; this… Read more »
But it IS a statistical anomaly. When was the last sort of attack like this with this sort of motivation?
And even if it is argued to be more widespread – no, it doesn’t justify a reinforcing of the Schrodinger’s Rapist mindset. That mindset was never justifiable.
@ Steve “Wow. I do love the fact that this killer left a clearly written out manifesto where he laid out in detail how much he hated women ” And yet MEN bore the brunt of the anger. There are scary things out there, but I think the point is living in fear is a choice. That old Tom Petty song, Refugee, comes to mind. “Somewhere, somehow somebody must have kicked you around some. Tell me why you want to lay there revel in your abandon. Honey, It don’t make no difference to me, baby, everybody’s had to fight to… Read more »
@ John:
Yes, more men than women were killed: but only because he couldn’t get into the sorority where he planned on killing every woman inside. If that one detail was changed, would that somehow affect your entire opinion of what he was angry about, and what caused this entire incident?
Can you not READ, man?
@ Steve
“but only because he couldn’t get into the sorority where he planned on killing every woman inside.”
Why did he stop trying or doesn’t that detail count in your book? Could it have been the availability of other victims even if they weren’t the people he was supposed to be mad at according to your narrative. Seems to me that it came down to whoever was available, but that doesn’t sound like misogyny so doesn’t support the narrative.
“Can you not READ, man?”
Obviously better than you.
@ Steve
If you want to get down to brass tacks, was he angry women or certain women; the white, blonde, wealthy, beautiful, women? Women many would consider “privileged”. So why does this get overlooked? Because there is no political millage in it for certain ideologies?
“Seems to me that it came down to whoever was available, but that doesn’t sound like misogyny so doesn’t support the narrative. ” Am I misreading you or did you just imply that he was not misognistic? It appears to me that he hated women. He hated blond women, he hated brunette women, he hated any woman. He might have exclusively wanted beautiful, young, blond women, but his hate for the general population of women extended far beyond that. One only needs to read his very own words or see his videos. Here is the thing, people everyday grow up… Read more »
@ Erin “Am I misreading you or did you just imply that he was not misognistic?” He also hated men possibly including himself that would make him misandrist. If you’re a misogynist and a misandrist then your a misanthrope. Calling him a misogynist conceals half the problem. He could have also been mentally ill, which seems to be what his parents believe. That would probably make him neither misogynistic or misandrist. I haven’t read his writings or looked at his youtube. I’m basing my opinion on others analysis of his work and what I’ve read in the news. I know… Read more »
I think you’re missing the point ‘Not that Guy’. And unfortunately I don’t know if I can correctly get my idea across here as I sometimes have a hard time expressing what I want to say. Our society has drastically changed in the last 3-5 years alone because of social media and most other forms of online interaction. I’ve noticed in the last few months that women in general are being threatened constantly with rape or their lives or some other horrible situation and they don’t even know the person/never met them. On ComicBookResources there was an article about a… Read more »