I’ll always remember the moment I met my partner. It was the moment I realized that some rules, especially first date rules, are meant to be broken.
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I remember the moment I met my now partner and the father of our one-year-old son. He was sitting at the end of a bar, whiskey in hand and a whiskey coke waiting for me. It was a blind date so I was all sorts of nervous and anxious and, honestly, pessimistic. These things rarely work out but hell, I wasn’t looking for anything serious so what’s one first date?
When I walked up to him I realized he was devastatingly handsome. Handsome, and tall. Much taller than I had expected, which made me instantly regret my decision to wear sandals instead of high heels.
And that was the beginning of the end, as some would say. We talked for seven hours, smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey and eating messy BBQ. We did all the things you’re told you shouldn’t do on a first date: We talked about politics and exes and religion. He came back to my apartment and we spent the night together (not reading the bible, mind you) and after breakfast the next day, he left. I continued dating other people and he was aloof and unavailable and while we stayed in contact, we weren’t ready to be committed.
We didn’t follow any of the regurgitated “first date rules” and we didn’t think much of it, either.
People call this “hook up culture”. People talk like this is a bad thing, and claim that how my partner and I met is anything but romantic or ideal. But honestly, our ability to be open, honest, and understanding with one another at the very beginning, is why we have such a solid relationship today. Instead of rushing into something because we felt a “spark”, and because we didn’t hold ourselves to a silly standard of dating rules, we had the opportunity to take our time and see other people and be rational, instead of just emotional.
Sure, that isn’t a cute story. Sure, it isn’t what’s highlight in romantic comedies. But I look at our relationship and how strong and fulfilled and committed it is, and I can’t help but think that our fluid, unconventional “rule-breaking” beginning, is to thank.
Which is why I tend to push against any first date “rules”. The idea that you should follow a predetermined standard in order to find love is as ridiculous as it is fictitious. We, as a society, spend a good amount of time going on and on about how people are different, but we still try to force one specific way of doing things on a complex and diverse population of people. So sure, for some having sex on the first date isn’t a good idea. But for others, it completely works. Yes, for some, talking about past relationships is a bad move. But for others, conversations just naturally evolve into discussions about exes and if it feels comfortable, it’s definitely doable.
We like to think that there’s one way of doing things and if we stick to that one way, things will be easier and dating will be smoother and finding “the one” will be inevitable. But honestly, dating is complicated and so is love (and definitely life), and while that isn’t what the majority of people want to hear, that is the truth.
My partner and I definitely didn’t follow the rules. We had sex the night we met, we continued to see other people before we decided to commit to one another. We had a baby before we married (in fact, still don’t plan on getting married) and we didn’t “take things slow”. We talked about exes and realized we had vastly different political views and we ate messy BBQ, arguably one of the least-attractive meals to eat. But there’s power in deviating from what others consider “normal” and setting your own rules in your own relationship.
I’ll always remember the moment I met my partner. It was the moment I realized that some rules, especially first date rules, are meant to be broken.
Hi Danielle, nice story! It’s wonderful when things work out so smooth and simple like they did for you. I’m not a huge fan of dating “rules” either. Thanks – Matt
Danielle Many can tell a story like yours ,still I do not understand why you want to spread this message. Why to you tell us to have sex with persons we know nothing about ? Europeans tend to fall into each other’s bed ,but it certainly is not a smart or safe lifestyle. To bring a stranger home is simply stupid because it is impossible to know who you are dealing with. Ted Bundy was a man women trusted. They did not bring him home but I think you understand what I mean. We overestimate our ability to see others… Read more »
@ Silke, She is very young Silke. When we are young, we tend to take more risks. They have a child to care for now. Hopefully, things will work out for them..I hope so for them and the their child. What is so odd and confusing today is the mixed messages I hear and read..Women here in America seem to see every man as a potential rapist (so called rape culture). This even though violence against women (including rape) are statistically at their lowest in a half century. But, we also see the rise of internet dating along with dating… Read more »
“When I walked up to him I realized he was devastatingly handsome. Handsome, and tall. Much taller than I had expected, which made me instantly regret my decision to wear sandals instead of high heels.” This pretty much sums it up… All superficial bullshit. I guess his height is what made you really want to have sex with him. When he wears off and it gets old, then it will be off to the next really really tall guy I guess. Of course for him, there will probably be child support in addition to parenting. Imagine if this was written… Read more »
For someone who barely stands at 5’6″ – the under current which shows up as “noooo… it doesn’t matter how tall he is, or how tall that is” does in fact matter – and in some cases pretty much is the basis for which all else matters. For some.
I’ve got 10′ of character though, so I’ll just bang my head on something else.
Danielle, Here is what I agree with: there is no one size fits all approach to dating (or life for that matter). Here is what I disagree with: just about everything else in your article. This is exactly what hook-up culture looks like. It basically involves lots of physical intimacy upfront with little emotional intimacy or any foundation friendship. Did it work for you, sure, but you got lucky. Does it work for 99% of the remaining dating population…not really. My brother and his current wife had sex on their first date and they’ve been married for 10 years. That… Read more »