What is it about some becoming who “they” were truly meant to be that frightens society?
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Miss Brown was an addict, a sex worker, a transgender M-T-F and my friend.
When we became cooking buddies, I began to learn a great deal about transitioning and its challenges.
She taught me a great deal about men, power, money and negotiating of sexual liaisons.
While I struggled to be progressive, I often was aghast at the things she endured to become her true self and live in a non-exploitative and non-objectified manner.
I often struggled with seeing her as female because I knew of her birth gender.
I am ashamed to admit I had not seen her as a full human.
I saw her as entertaining.
I saw her as educational.
What frightens us all is visibility and the bold choice to remake and reinvent without anyone’s approval.
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I saw her as fun. I saw her as an individual who brought laughter and some new insights.
I never saw her as a person struggling to make sense of a world that didn’t like her as male, and hated and attempted to destroy her as a transgender female.
Many of us struggle with the same dislikes of transgender individuals.
We hate, dismiss and psychologically deny them for several reasons.
When I began to examine my discomfort, it became clear that it landed differently depending on whether the transperson was M-T-F or F-T-M.
Male to female always brought up a ton of thinking about domination, oppression, and white supremacy. My opinion was one that questioned why anyone would willingly move from a position of power to one of powerlessness. With my tribe that went from female to male, my perception was that it was only a shameless grab for power and entitlement.
After some serious self-examination and some heartfelt listening, I discovered that I was wrong on both accounts.
What frightens us all is visibility and the bold choice to remake and reinvent without anyone’s approval.
Most of us fear the trans community because we fear the responsibility and visibility that comes with choosing to redirect our lives and our gender.
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Most gays spend a lifetime waiting for someone, typically, a family member or uncomfortable friend to grant them permission to be who they are and live boldly and freely.
When one of our own gets bold, we have the option to either applaud and join them or wish they would slink away in shame painfully awaiting approval of the ubiquitous “they.”
To claim space anywhere in the world at any time is thrilling and dangerous.
Most of us fear the trans community because we fear the responsibility and visibility that comes with choosing to redirect our lives and our gender.
Few of us have made decisions about how we live and exist in a world that hates and attempts to control and destroy anything that is not white, young and male.
Choosing an identity makes folks realize how much society (a group of people they have never met) influences their thoughts, behavior, and sexual expression.
Miss Brown shared with me the brutal physical abuse she endured first at the hands of her homophobic grandmother (who tried to beat the sissy out of her young male body) while threatening her then later at the hands of the medical establishment, who told her the operation and hormones could cause death.
Her response to both threats: I’m willing to risk it.
Choosing death and visibility over lies and self-denial is brave.
All my trans folks who decide to live, have much to teach us all.
Confrontations with those in power and those that offer conditional love provide examples of how to take on the wall of shit that we all face when we decide to self-create.
Choosing to forgo a lifetime of meaninglessness means you are inviting all kinds of danger and vulnerability.
Ms. Brown struggled with addiction and self-medicated via tricks and drugs; she had tackled the initial battle of taking on a world of bigots and intimate terrorists and won.
She had not disappeared.
She underwent her transformation, not seeking to gain or relinquish power.
She reordered her identity.
Forgive us for our fear.
Forgive us for our lack of bravery and courage.
Forgive us for not doing the internal work that would allow us to accept, revere and learn from your ranks.
We are ripe to learn lessons of how to be brave and offer a big middle finger to society who can only accept us when we clone ourselves and allow people to go unchallenged and their bigotry unchanged.
Trans folks also understand exploitation.
The school of resistance is rewriting its curriculum.
Time to show up and show out.
Originally published on Anthony-Carter.com
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Photo:Georgina Rose Evans
Interesting observation, D. I understand it, but I’ve used exactly that as a tool rather then a vice. In short, when I began to experience gay men (or when we were notified that we were experiencing them every day), I came to terms with that by defining them as different. Different meant that they were not me, were not painting me, posed no threat to me. In a weird sort of way it disarmed any prejudice I would have. There was no threat, therefore it made not sense to be threatened. Women are different then me. Black folks are different… Read more »
No Anthony.
I do not fear transpersons and I have never heard anyone say they do.
And I see no reason why I should
I think it probably has more to do with the fact that some of the more common visual descrepancies lead us to instinctively perceive them as “other” – someone that registers as an unknown, which we tend to fear, unless we know better. Obviously it is possible for a transperson to become almost indistinguishable from a cisgender one, but that is by no means ubiquitous, since transitioning is a process and never a singular event. Of course, as more children grow up amongst or around transpersons, they’ll identify them as just another normal part of society.
Btw. One thing I’ve noticed. In general, put makeup and outward feminine accessories on a guy, if done well most people won’t be able to tell right off the bat. Same for women. They’ll sense something is not quite right but until further study won’t know what it is. So the markers of gender really are the outward signals that at a quick glance you know how you’re going to interact with them. Check your mental checkouts. Lol. I don’t know how many times I was surprised as a young man in the 60’s and 70’s by a beautiful locks… Read more »
I have no idea why there is so much animosity against transforms. That’s the same animosity that used to be as strong against being gay but for them at least it has been lessened a bit. Its the same loathing that used to be reserved for men with long hair and or earrings. While of course transfolks would be viewed as a curiosity since it is a relatively rare encounter for most people, the fact remains why do people care so much how another person dresses or expresses themselves. Of course alot of it is plain old cultural homophobia expecting… Read more »
Some people fear change, especially to their world view, they see it as a direct attack against them. They like the world as simple as possible, the less nuance and surprise the better. They imagine themselves developing a physical attraction towards someone and they’re incapable of accepting the nuance that a person can be male or female regardless of their appearance and the person with a simple world view imagines themselves being tricked into being gay, which is a whole other issue for them, because once again the nuance of sexual attraction isn’t something they can process. Everything outside of… Read more »
You know what feels scarier? When you can empathize with them, want to try to help them feel more normal, but have no freaking idea how to, worry about insulting them, making things worse. Its like talking to someone with a big mole on their nose. You fight to keep your eyes from looking at it, but at the same time want to shout “I see it and I don’t care” because you know that everyone does stare at it, and you will eventually too. …and actually, growing up in a world where everyone actually does hate and attempt to… Read more »