Gerald Walton runs because he has something to prove.
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The Good Men Project Sports asked why we run?
In this feature series, we share your answers.
This is from Gerald Walton:
I could say that I run because it reduces stress in my mind and body, because it helps me to think or not think as the case may be, or because I like to feel the elements of the wind, sun, and rain on my face.
I could say that it helps me to feel alive and it instils in me a sense of gratitude for all of the wonderful things I have in my life.
I could focus on how it helps me to connect with myself and, as an extension, connect with others. It is my alone time. It restores me. It challenges and fulfills me.
All of those aspects of running are true for me. But the rock bottom fact is that, moving past the feel-good, quasi-spirituality of it all, I run because I still have something to prove. I wish it were otherwise and maybe it will be, someday. But for now, a central motivation is that I prove myself, in the eyes of others, to be a capable and accomplished amateur athlete. I suspect that I’m not alone in that regard.
Running is partly about grappling with emotional baggage. Like many other kids, I was denied an athletic identity in grade school. Being a small and quiet boy, I was the target of bullies. The locker room was a prime opportunity for other boys to torment me. My gym teachers were jocks who, favouring the athletic stars, did not understand how some kids’ experiences in their classes were torturous, traumatic, and terrifying. When I began modest attempts at running almost 20 years ago at the age of 35, it was primarily because I was drawn to it. I envied runners and I wanted to do what they could do. But my motivation for running was also because I aimed to reclaim that part of myself that I had allowed to be stripped away by gym teachers and other boys. I was not a jock with natural talent to toss a football or shoot a puck; being reminded of my deficits, flaws, and shortcomings as a boy was a daily ritual in humiliation – as it is for many kids, to this day. I took up running to say, “Fuck you!”
Over the years since those early beginnings, I have reclaimed my identity as an athlete – and then some. Whereas I did not think I was capable of running a 10K, I eventually reached that achievement with dedication and determination. Then I moved on to half-marathons, again thinking that it was beyond my talent and ability, but surprising myself with not only finishing half-marathon races, but finishing with very good times. When I signed up for my first full marathon at the age of 43, I was convinced that I would be walking the last 10K, limping across the finish line, if I was able to finish at all. Yet, I sprinted across the finish line with an excellent time that stood as my personal best for many years. I figured it would be my one and only marathon. It wasn’t. I ran 11 more, eventually qualifying for the Boston Marathon last year by shattering my then-personal best by 14 minutes.
I hope to score a place in the race for the 2017 Boston Marathon. Running Boston has been my goal since I came to grips with the excellent time that I achieved in my first marathon race.
Between now and then, I hope to be able to let go of having to prove myself. I’ve said to my childhood tormenters “Fuck you!” many times over. I don’t need to say it anymore by driving myself so hard. I have no regrets for what I’ve achieved in amateur running, but now it’s time to let go of having to prove myself capable or to seek approval from others, especially those gym teachers and other boys from so long ago. I’m getting there, but I’m not quite there yet. I haven’t fully let go of the compulsion to seek approval.
I will.
But until then, I run to work through unfinished business.
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Browse the over thirty posts we have thus far Good Men Project Sports’ Why We Run Series here.
#34: Honoring Family << >> #36: Because It Matters
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Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons/Joe Lagon