In the beginning, there was sex. And it was good. And there was more sex. And it too was good…
My wife and I began our relationship as any two relatively awesome people do: we were friends for a while, long distance. Then we met and got into a relationship—and had some awesome sex. Pretty much every day. We got married, and this sex continued.
As an aside, know this: 1. My wife loves me very much, and I her. 2. I’ll try to be the least pornographic I can in writing this post. But that will be hard. Wait. There’s probably a pun in there…
HER EGGO WAS PREGGO
Then my wife got pregnant as the result of this awesome, great sex. I definitely had my “I don’t want to bruise the baby” thinking cap and underwear on, which probably contributed to our general feeling about sex falling off the to-do list of our lives. We were all about the baby, and our sex lives were made even more unavailable by my booking tons of work as an actor that year. I worked my ass off.
We tried to be intimate and physical, but it wasn’t the same. Simultaneously, I was feeling like the most masculine guy I’ve ever been. I impregnated a woman. I am man. Boom.
And she was even more beautiful to me, so it was difficult keeping my hands to myself. Pregnant women don’t glow. They radiate, like stellar objects. There was definitely a trimester where things picked up, but things always felt really tentative and a bit disconnected. To be honest, I think we were both so excited about our future son, that our future and present sex took the hit, falling victim to our best laid plans. I really have to stop with the entendres…
AFTER THE FLOOD
After Finn’s birth, I gave my wife and her chocha the time they needed to recover from their natural delivery before diving back into things. You know, two days. Joking….
I knew it was probably smarter to let her come to me and ensure she felt better about her recovery. But that’s where it got funny. She didn’t. I could tell that the pregnancy/birth experience was one of those “this changes everything” deals. So we carried on. She tried her best to breastfeed and stay awake, and I just kept eating.
I gained a total of 30-40 pounds from the beginning of her pregnancy to Finn’s first three months of life. So I wasn’t looking my sportiest, manliest best, whatever. And this won’t sound good, writing it now, but I was transforming into a woman: soft and curvy.
WORK IT OUT
So, as I stated in “Pregnancy Weight Is Ugly,” I worked my ass off again, but literally. I quit sugar, I dieted, I worked out again. I tried to shove my physical life back into this new fathering life, and it was hell. I would workout at home in front of Finn in his little swing contraption. I took him on hikes. I went to the gym sparingly and without any sleep. The worst part was: when you don’t sleep, your body doesn’t change as fast. So it took double the work.
But I did it.
I worked for hours and days on my body to get fit, mostly for myself and my career, but I’d be lying if I said those were the only reasons. I really wanted to do it so my wife would find me attractive enough to want to have constant, ridiculous, while-Finn-was-asleep-in-the-other-room monkeysex with me.
But I didn’t get that.
I mean we had sex, and it happened more often, I guess. But the change was even more evident. Maybe my awesome foreplay needed help. Walking around bottomless in our room used to do it, but it barely raised an eyebrow now. My patented phrase “JumpOnIt” didn’t seem to fire things up anymore, either. Doing naked jumping jacks? No dice. Maybe it was the fact that sex meant something else now, it meant a means to a painful end.
So now I don’t know what to do. I love my wife. I just want her to rock my socks off a little more, ya know? Can someone email her about this post and tell her I’m ready for her. Anytime. Any place. Thanks.
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This post first appeared on www.HowToBeADad.com
Something I’ve learned is that a woman’s sexual desire is far more connected to emotions rather than a physiological need. For men, very little emotional connection is needed to be sexually aroused. You need to focus on sparking her imagination. Ever wondered why women get so horny over the book ’50 Shades of Grey’? It’s 100% imagination and emotional arousal. There’s a brilliant guide by Alex Allman called ‘Passion That Lasts’ that I believe could help out many guys on here. Here’s a link to it: http://PassionThatLasts.com – Sex is 100x more satisfying when you both want it.
I feel your pain, brother, only I’m experiencing what you are going through as the wife. I guess it can happen to both men and women. There is definitely something that happens to the the attraction factor post baby. As a lady who has gone thru the experience of new parent with my husband, I, on one hand, never want to do that again (be a new parent). On the other hand, my body is screaming to get physical. I think my husbands body might be too, but we’re both too scarred by the experience to mentally connect or let… Read more »
Her body went from young & tight to – stretch marks, nursing boobs, & a va-j j that has passed a 2 liter… She’s exhausted, self conscious and her ENTIRE F***ING IDENTITY went from hot chic to hot wife to MOMMY… She either has no confidence or she is stuck on the Mary side of the Mary/Eve identity that women are constantly having to live up to. Once you are a mommmy, you MUST NEVER BE A BAD GIRL AGAIN, (or so some msg we get tells us). For some of us, it takes YEARS to get our groove back.… Read more »
Women have strong darwinian instincts to lose attraction for any man they have already had children with. Their subconscious desire changes as if something inside them were saying, “you have already GOT those genes.”
Some women can over-come biological boredom just like some men can resist variety-temptations, but husband-fathers feel ugly and incompetent because the woman who used to desire him, just doesn’t anymore. Basically men assume that women lose desire because the husband-father did something to irritate or disappoint, but she just won’t feel that kind of desire, until it is for a different guy.
That is a really interesting thing to think on.
Depending on the delivery experience and the first months she might still be a bit mentally overwhelmed. I agree talk to her. If you don’t know where to start I would say download the Gottman apps, all of them. Love maps is always an easy one to break out anywhere. She probably also wants amazing intimate moments with you but might feel stretched too thin to be present. Be patient, supportive and keep talking to her. Connecting is much hotter than birthday suit time.
Talk to your wife, help her out, make sure she helps you out too because this isn’t a one way street. If she isn’t willing to work it out with you then it’s time to move on if it gets bad (most will try though I’d say). There are more pressures to deal with, less energy, etc after having kids and for her the body will also have stuff going on putting a damper on things as many comments above say. First step though is talk to her about it.
I will have sex with you if your wife is OK with it. Other than that… Uhmmm… why don’t you talk to HER??? How am I supposed to know why she does not want sex with you? Good Luck with that.. (pretty sure your wife will not be OK with me having sex with you so… bye byee sexy).
I get it. It is no long spontaneous. And because of that it becomes an act.
I’m surprised to not see any responses here noting that you should simply TALK to her about it! Many people don’t realize this but not all suggestions are self-evident and communication is REALLY important. The next time you two have some alone time, why not bring this up with her? “I really appreciate how hard you are working to raise our beautiful child, and I admire that in you. I wondered if we can chat about what kind of needs you have in the bedroom – we both enjoy sex and I know how busy you’ve been and I’ve been… Read more »
Short version: If you want your wife to have sex with you, focus on your wife, not yourself. TL;DR version: In addition to what Kathy said (which is right on) about doing the dishes, running the vacuum, helping around the house, etc. being sexy and a turn-on, you must realize that your wife’s self-image has been turned upside down and inside out, quite literally. A year and a half ago, she probably felt pretty great about her body; then pregnancy; and things got bigger, which is fun for a while, to be sure; but near the end of pregnancy, a… Read more »
Hey Author,
Did it ever occur to you to maybe, oh i don’t know, perhaps um, OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND TALK TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT IT?
Read what the women say above. mdhriggin says it all. Please get out of your own head: This, hey, don’t I look sexy enough stuff is so misguided. Maybe looking at sexy is what YOU need, but can you actually see what your wife needs at the moment? Your wife totally loves you, but she would love you a whole lot more if you became a little less focused on your abs and more on what she is doing daily to keep the baby alive. Help her out. Relieve her of some of the oppressive responsibility of caring for a… Read more »
This post is infinitely discouraging. Are most men this immature? Why not just *talk* to your wife??? And Kathy’s touching post makes a lot of sense. A new mother now has two dependents on her body, constantly clawing her. It makes me fear that despite all the talk, men marry women in hopes that they’ll use them as consistent sex dispensers. Why not try to understand her position? Or at least ASK her when she’ll be ready?? And truly, the working out while she deals with the baby is a big put-off.
Not entirely an answer to your questions but this is a very interesting interview with Esther Perel I read just yesterday. It seems kind of appropriate to share it here with you. Especially since it seems to contribute to the discussions going on on the Good Men Project. Wish you all the love and intimacy you want in the New Year! http://thesunmagazine.org/issues/456/a_more_perfect_union?page=1#.Ur93E9Rz1PY.facebook
just a shot in the dark but um, what if y’all try…
talking about this directly.
you definitely have the basics down. no entitlement or shame. just a question and a desire for intimacy with her. habla con ella, dude.
..coming from a girl perspective… why is it her who should come to you? the woman has to be feeling good…but if you arent making her feel sexy loved and wanted as a sexual being she isn’t going to “jump on it” its easy for us to think about “me..come to meeeeee” but i read an article that pinpointed how that is the problem…its supposed to be about the other! so maybe if u start treating her like a beautiful sexual being she will reach out.. but dont do it with the intention to have sex..but jus enjoy some intimacy..the… Read more »
You said you’ve been waiting for her to come to you. You have to realize that when a woman gives birth, her body changes phenomenally, which wreaks havoc with her self-esteem. Her entire identity has changed. Think for a moment how it would feel if there was once a man who could not keep his hands off of you, but now that you’ve had a baby and your body has changed he no longer approaches you at all. It may appear to her not that you are being patient and waiting for her to be ready, but that you no… Read more »
Check out Ian Lerner’s book, “Love in the Time of Colic.” Excellent book buy a rockstar sex therapist on sex after children 🙂 Highly recommend it!
Don’t listen to Kathy, genuine desire cannot be negotiated, you don’t become a man by listening to women http://therationalmale.com/2011/08/25/the-desire-dynamic/
Finally, some rational advice. She has had a baby; there is no going back on this one.
And you dont get sex with that attitude. if you want your partner back, you have to be a partner. Listening to those with experience (Kathy) dramatically increases your chances of success. You don’t tell Tiger Woods to screw off when he’s offering golfing tips.
Here’s the thing, my friend: she’s exhausted. While you’re at the gym sculpting your bod, she’s washing dishes and changing diapers. While you’re out working your butt off, she’s busting hers raising your son. A man who washes dishes and runs the vacuum is infinitely sexier than one with abs and a big pay check. Don’t wait for her to ask you do something. Pick up the sponge and get it done. That will turn her on. PS. Because you suddenly got into exercise and are never home, she may think you’re cheating. Pregnancy is amazing but it is also… Read more »
Yeah dude, what Kathy says. I doubt this has anything to do with her physical attraction to you. Best things you can do: help with the house, help with the kid, tell her how beautiful you think she is, even when you don’t, let her get out and spend some time with her friends.
Kathy nailed it, 100%. ^^^^^^
In addition, she may just be what is called “touched out”. It’s especially common while breastfeeding but I still experience it with having two little ones (4 and 18mo). They are touching me ALL THE TIME. Sitting on me, hanging on my leg, tons of hugs and kisses and lap sitting. Which is great but sometimes at the end if the day, the thought of being touched anymore just makes me feel annoyed instead of desired.
Every single word of this! 100 times! This is a very common thing, the thing that a new mother wants more in the firsts few months with the baby is SLEEP. The thing that a new dad wants more is sex. (I’m not saying it’s a bad despicable thing.) Do things around the house so she can sleep like a rock for hours. Share the house chores. One of two things will happen: you’ll be exhausted too, so you won’t want sex either 😀 or she will be rejuvenated — and you will be exhausted ah ah In the post… Read more »
I know when my son was first born I no longer felt attractive enough- no help from his father of course but when you realize your body goes through some changes notnallmofnthem reversing as early as others, or at all. It may really lower the self confidence require to feel “sexy” again which then makes monkey sex less appealing because your focused on how you look. I will assure you in time that newly together sex life did return- however part of the contributing factor was then re baby became a toddler allowing mom n dad more alone time with… Read more »
While I cannot speak for all women, as a working married mother of two, here are the reasons: 1. She’s tired. Not I just pulled an all nighter tired, but I just created life from my body tired. That weariness is all encompassing, even months after having the baby. Because then there is the breastfeeding, the worrying, the chasing after, the stamina to discipline and handle the tantrums and arguments. It is constant. Most nights, sleep beats sex. Even great sex. 2. She hurts. Pregnancy and childbirth hurts, and continues to hurt after the baby. Your back, your legs, your… Read more »
Know what happens when mothers so often put the needs of the child in front of the relationships needs of both mother n father? It fails bigtime. The best advice I saw was to make time for you both, do not ignore your partner just to look after the child otherwise you’re dooming your relationship. Too often it happens that someone ignores their partner and dumps all of their energies into a child, resentment grows because the other partner has now become a friend, not a lover. It’s really simple. Humans in relationships for the most part need regular emotional,… Read more »
You are dead on! This guy has a child under the age of 2…chances are his wife hasn’t slept in over 2 years! She’s tired and when given the chance to have 15 minutes more of sleep or sex she’ll pick sleep. It has nothing to do with him at that point. However…all that time he spent working out…how much time did he spend taking his baby in the morning so she could sleep in? Doing the shopping or cleaning so she can take a break? How much of the child care or home care did he take over so… Read more »
I had a similar problem in my marriage and, i attempted to fix it in a similar manner. at one point we went over a year without any action. I started biking big time and lifting weights. in my case, the more i improved myself the worse the situation became. She finally admitted to me that she hated her body. my self improvement made her feel even worse about herself. somehow sex was a shameful reminder to her of how out of shape she was. I couldnt find a way to repair the problem long term. I hope you have… Read more »
Time to leave at that point. If she’s not willing to work at it then she’s failing in her duties as a partner.
I have no idea what to suggest. My boyfriend and I are childfree so sex is pretty constant. You’re good-looking. Good luck to you both. Sorry I wasn’t more helpful.
And that is why monogamy is unreasonable.
it’s only unreasonable to people who find it unreasonable, and it’s totally reasonable for those that do. your opinions aren’t for putting onto other people. did it ever occur to you the he didn’t want to fuck someone else, that the ENTIRE point of this article was about that?