In the beginning, there was sex. And it was good. And there was more sex. And it too was good…
My wife and I began our relationship as any two relatively awesome people do: we were friends for a while, long distance. Then we met and got into a relationship—and had some awesome sex. Pretty much every day. We got married, and this sex continued.
As an aside, know this: 1. My wife loves me very much, and I her. 2. I’ll try to be the least pornographic I can in writing this post. But that will be hard. Wait. There’s probably a pun in there…
HER EGGO WAS PREGGO
Then my wife got pregnant as the result of this awesome, great sex. I definitely had my “I don’t want to bruise the baby” thinking cap and underwear on, which probably contributed to our general feeling about sex falling off the to-do list of our lives. We were all about the baby, and our sex lives were made even more unavailable by my booking tons of work as an actor that year. I worked my ass off.
We tried to be intimate and physical, but it wasn’t the same. Simultaneously, I was feeling like the most masculine guy I’ve ever been. I impregnated a woman. I am man. Boom.
And she was even more beautiful to me, so it was difficult keeping my hands to myself. Pregnant women don’t glow. They radiate, like stellar objects. There was definitely a trimester where things picked up, but things always felt really tentative and a bit disconnected. To be honest, I think we were both so excited about our future son, that our future and present sex took the hit, falling victim to our best laid plans. I really have to stop with the entendres…
AFTER THE FLOOD
After Finn’s birth, I gave my wife and her chocha the time they needed to recover from their natural delivery before diving back into things. You know, two days. Joking….
I knew it was probably smarter to let her come to me and ensure she felt better about her recovery. But that’s where it got funny. She didn’t. I could tell that the pregnancy/birth experience was one of those “this changes everything” deals. So we carried on. She tried her best to breastfeed and stay awake, and I just kept eating.
I gained a total of 30-40 pounds from the beginning of her pregnancy to Finn’s first three months of life. So I wasn’t looking my sportiest, manliest best, whatever. And this won’t sound good, writing it now, but I was transforming into a woman: soft and curvy.
WORK IT OUT
So, as I stated in “Pregnancy Weight Is Ugly,” I worked my ass off again, but literally. I quit sugar, I dieted, I worked out again. I tried to shove my physical life back into this new fathering life, and it was hell. I would workout at home in front of Finn in his little swing contraption. I took him on hikes. I went to the gym sparingly and without any sleep. The worst part was: when you don’t sleep, your body doesn’t change as fast. So it took double the work.
I texted this image to my wife while prepping to audition for Superman. It worked like kryptonite.
But I did it.
I worked for hours and days on my body to get fit, mostly for myself and my career, but I’d be lying if I said those were the only reasons. I really wanted to do it so my wife would find me attractive enough to want to have constant, ridiculous, while-Finn-was-asleep-in-the-other-room monkeysex with me.
But I didn’t get that.
I mean we had sex, and it happened more often, I guess. But the change was even more evident. Maybe my awesome foreplay needed help. Walking around bottomless in our room used to do it, but it barely raised an eyebrow now. My patented phrase “JumpOnIt” didn’t seem to fire things up anymore, either. Doing naked jumping jacks? No dice. Maybe it was the fact that sex meant something else now, it meant a means to a painful end.
So now I don’t know what to do. I love my wife. I just want her to rock my socks off a little more, ya know? Can someone email her about this post and tell her I’m ready for her. Anytime. Any place. Thanks.
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This post first appeared on www.HowToBeADad.com
About Charlie Capen
*singing*
One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
Did you guess which thing was not like the others?
Did you guess which thing just doesn’t belong?
If you guessed Lingiust, Assman, are not like the others,
Then you’re absolutely…right! !
___________________________________
Sorry..it just popped in my head…lol
If you tell a joke leading with “This is very funny,” it kinda never is. Women suspect men feel “I want to sleep with you,” and saying those words out loud just doesn’t hot them up. Tell the joke better, men. You’ve shortened your routine, made is far less creative and well-crafted, even told your lady how to react – and guess what? She’s not laughing.
Four things.
1. Fatigue = no sex. When you have young kids or a new baby, sex is the last thing on a woman’s mind unless they have a lot of help and are still managing to sleep. Just get over it and be patient. I enjoy sex but we had 3 children in 4 years and it was only once the third child was 18 months and I was getting more sleep that I became myself again and we returned to our ‘honeymoon days’ like activity. Be patient.
2. Kind gestures and emotional connection= lots of sex. There is one sure fire way to get me to make a move on my husband or to at least be open to him making a move, kindness. When he takes time out of his day to help me with something, when he ‘really’ listens to me, makes me a cup of tea, helps with the kids or gives me time out from parenting it is better than any foreplay on this earth. I really read your article as being all about you (and just because you wrote it doesn’t mean this has to be the case). Make it about her and you will get laid a whole lot more.
3. Make it worth her while. Perhaps you’re not as good in bed as you think. If sex is ho hum then who can be bothered? That’s when you hear that women prefer to sleep or eat chocolate than have sex. You might be a father now and think you’re all grown up but it shouldn’t stop you from thinking of adding to your repertoire, reading up on what women like etc.
4. Passionate kissing. For about a year my husband and I stopped kissing passionately. It just didn’t really cross my mind because looking after small children we would generally have quickies. Then one night I was watching a movie with the most fantastic passionate kiss and I thought, hell you, I really miss being kissed that way. That night I made a move to kiss my husband passionately and for a long time before we went on to have sex and since then life has been a whole lot better. Passion is so important in life. Everyone wants to feel truly wanted, desired, men and women and what better way to do it than through a long, passionate kiss. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not being kissed like I’m the hottest woman on the planet and I know my husband just loves it too. It makes him feel like I truly desire him, which I do.
I think the great mystery is why exactly so many women are filled with resentment towards men.
It’s almost as if they expect men to fulfill them, to make their dreams come true, and when they don’t, things turn sour. But is there a place for this kind of “satisfy me!”, “make me happy!” attitude in an egalitarian partnership? Isn’t it a little out of date considering the zealous equality in every other realm. Yet I never hear guys saying their wife doesn’t make them “fulfilled”. Most men would assume that their own life is what they make of it, and their problems are theirs to fix.
This is a strangely unexamined double standard.
It seems to me, from reading this site and others sites, men are as resentful as women. It’s not a gender thing, it’s a person thing, we are born to be ungrateful and unappreciative of what we have.
Men want women to look after them, do the housework, have sex whenever they want, make them feel like big, important men. They may not say their wives aren’t ‘fulfilling’ them but that doesn’t mean you’re not whining about a million other things.
Women want to be appreciated, desired, respected, fulfilled even perhaps. No one gets it all, let’s not turn this into another female bashing article.
Yeah, what Kiki said – it’s neither a double standard nor unexamined – men certainly do the same thing and many certainly do feel unfulfilled by their wives in one way or another. Men might have different desires and they may not communicate them directly, but that’s the only difference.
People do have expectations of their mates – both men and women, and it’s important to understand what they are, so that you can determine whether your expectations are unrealistic, or whether your mate could be doing some things they aren’t doing that would improve the relationship (and they may not be aware of it), or some combination of both.
Yeah, I think Kikis right on that, men mightn’t say that their wife doesn’t “fulfill” them, but pop down to your local and you’ll hear plenty of bitching and whining. Put two humans in a house and its bound to happen eventually.
I have to second Kikik’s initial response to your blog. I think she’s exactly right about what your wife needs to get into the mood. Your “foreplay” was lacking everything that would arouse a woman the way you want to her be aroused. You seem honestly and genuinely interested in bringing the fireworks back into your marriage. I appreciate your candor and I hope you took the suggestions to heart. (I just realized that this was posted a year ago).
I think the great mystery is why exactly so many women are filled with resentment towards men.
It’s almost as if they expect men to fulfill them, to make their dreams come true, and when they don’t, things turn sour. But is there a place for this kind of “satisfy me!”, “make me happy!” attitude in an egalitarian partnership? Isn’t it a little out of date considering the zealous equality in every other realm. Yet I never hear guys saying their wife doesn’t make them “fulfilled”. Most men would assume that their own life is what they make of it, and their problems are theirs to fix.
This is a strangely unexamined double standard.
Your first mistake?
Thinking it’s all about you.
Agreed.
Yep.
Your partner can only satisfy maybe half your needs and they have to be the needs you can’t get outside of the relationship, like sex and support around the house. The rest of your needs are your responsibility.
Isn’t the point of the article that his sexual needs aren’t being satisfied?
Your first mistake? Thinking I think it’s all about me.
Wow. I think this guy is being really honest about what he needs from his relationship (while also writing in an entertaining way) and he’s just received snide attacks for it. If someone is explaining how they feel about something in their relationship, of course it’s going to be all about them. It’s THEIR feelings. I hope he and his wife can talk this out either between the two of them or with a counselor. They both may be having incorrect ideas about what the other thinks or wants.
Charlie, you mentioned how much weight you gained and how you felt about your body after the baby, but maybe your wife hasn’t had the energy or time to work out and look her physical best (according to her own standard), so maybe she’s actually a little self conscious about her own body right now. And maybe (just a guess here) she’s thinking you got in shape as a *visual message* to her that you’d like her to do the same.
Really there are so many things that could be happening here. But to expect one mate to forgo sex indefinitely because a baby has arrived doesn’t seem fair to me. But I don’t have kids (don’t want any), so I may not understand this whole kid dynamic thing.
At any rate, good luck with your marriage and your intimate life. I hope you are both very fulfilled in the very near future.
Todra, you may not have kids, but I think you are correct. I agree with everything you said. I was thinking similarly–like I wonder if his wife (who is total stunning by the way), is a little “freaked” by his new found focus on pumping up? I know my ex and I used to enjoy going to the gym together. It wouldn’t bring me any consolation to feel like my partner was turning into a total hottie without me. I would probably feel insecure about it initially (not endorsing that reaction or saying it means Charlie shouldn’t work out–I’m just sayin’– it is something she may not even be aware of). And, I do NOT get the feeling that he is all about him. I think that is the point of this particularly post–”hey world, new dad, relationship is changing and here’s how I’m feeling about it.” Good for him that he has the willingness and a place to vet his feelings. The feedback will probably help him better understand his wife. But, Charlie, seriously bud, eat a doughnut or something. No parent needs to be that cut. Everyone will hate you.
Wow Todra, why are you defending a
To you Todra : don’t jump on women and side with men if you don’t have children and have not lived in the house with a man.and to you Derbis, these women are not showing resentment towards men, it’s just that we, as women get tired of all the nagging and whining about sex that you guys seem to do. There is more to life for us than sex. Really,it is not at the top of our list all the time. It may be at the top of yours, but stop whining about sex. What would you males do if ever female in thie world suddenly had a locked va ja for a year? You’d survive then. You act like sex is food and water. Don’t you males get it?? Romance, foreplay, and do your share of the chores and childcare and you would see a well rested, interested woman. We can’t do it all and be all things to you . You aren’t all things for us. Your demands are too much. Really !!!!! You want us to be perfect and we are just sick of it!!!
Why the assumption that a man must be being lazy and not doing there fair share? Unfortunately too often women have no idea that there husband feels completely left out because of lack of physical intimacy, or that sex cannot be spontaneous and that they have to go through a complex ritual of “romance” and wining and dining, with the partner being turned on by the romance rather than the romance rather than the partner.
The problem for men is that what we want is treated as bad and wrong, and wanting sex is somehow “evil”. Women not wanting sex is treated as normal. Both sides need to work together. First thing to do, stop nagging and start talking.
Sex isn’t food and water. It’s air. I don’t want the woman in my life to be all things to me. I need a good lover. When she fails there, it can’t be made up in any other way.
Ethical non-monogamy. Done. End of story. Unfortunately, not everyone can handle it as an ethos and way of conducting relationships.
Take it from an older woman who has been around the proverbial block on more than one occasion: you are suffering from body-stranger-syndrome. Simply put, your bodies have forgotten each other. It would be awkward to try to have sex after all this time.
Remember this, healthy marriages are sexual marriages. It is okay to fight for this, to actually insist that you work on this as a couple. I am not saying that you insist on sex, rather I am saying that you should insist on talking about it, on working your way back to it.
If I were to give you and your wife the “old-wives” remedy, I would recommend that you have intercourse even if you aren’t into it on a regular basis for a little while. It is a way of letting your bodies get to know each other again. After awhile, it is like your bodies remember each other and the passion comes flooding back.
Charlie, in the story :The Good Earth” Wang Lung becomes prosperous and buys a concubine named Lotus. Women really do change upon giving birth. Even after 25 years of this #*#@, I believe in marriage and the benefits. I have no interest in fooling around. BUT once the first child arrives, sex takes on a whole new meaning for women. NO amount of domestic duties will get you laid as often as you want it and need it – as often as you WERE getting it. I can cut down a tree like a lumberjack, build a house, fix a car, vacuum the house and bake bread from scratch – TO NO AVAIL FOLKS – that’s real world. No more trite answers please as to what HE NEEDS TO DO! She changed, He didn’t.
Sexless in marriage is mean, inconsiderate at best , selfish and a “bait and switch” of the worst kind.
166 days without sex myself. Sorry Charlie, you are amongst the majority – most of us just pretend it’s alright at home BUT IT’s NOT.
Didn’t Wang Lung’s wife (Oh Lan was it?) become bitter and resentful about his concubine? And he spent most of his time and energy negotiating peace between them rather than getting laid?
Also, in that book Oh Lan wasn’t exactly a sex goddess to begin with, to me she didn’t change all that much after giving birth, he changed after becoming wealthy.
Have faith in your wife Charlie
Shes still the beautiful sexy person you married.
great read mate. I am def bookmarking your blog altho I’m not a dad yet. You’re a very talented writer and you seem to have a wonderfully healthy relationship with your wife. Thanks for writing a piece that allows folks to have a fun discussion about a sometimes difficult and awkward topic.
congrats on Finn as well.
Have you asked her why? And really listened to her? I say this because when my son was born, it was a little traumatic (whole other topic)…to the point where I didn’t want to have sex with my DH because I was TERRIFIED of getting pregnant again. Even after I got on birth control I was wracked with anxiety that it WOULD fail no matter what. No one really understood the kind of anxiety I went through and I struggled for years. It wasn’t until after I saw a therapist that I was able to deal with the anxiety and depression. We aren’t perfect, but at least we are getting better.
Women in particular are stuck in this twilight zone after children that we have to be happy and satisfied because we had children. Many times we feel anxiety and ambivalence about the whole thing and are either afraid to talk about it (I know whenever I expressed my feeling to anyone other than DH I was laughed at) or have been ridiculed for not being the “happy mom” we all see on TV. This can totally translate into not wanting sex as it leads to anxiety and depression.
Talk to her, honestly. Not when you are trying to have sex…any other time. Be honest with her, let her know she can be honest with you and make a deal that neither one of you will judge the other and stick to it. And please, keep in mind that she knows you are up for it…but if you are constantly making comments that you are up for it (jump on it?…really, dude…) it may be making her feel more pressured (like that is all you care about) and make sex feel like something on the To Do list (which makes it at the bottom of that list) than something she wants to do with you. Give her some affection and attention…but do not let it seem like you are expecting sex. Give a kiss or a hug or what have you, then walk away. This can help her not feel so pressured.
Just sayin’ this out of experience from being on the other side.
I’m guessing (hoping!) he did talk to her before writing this
If jumponit has some meaning for them, leave them at it. Its not a first date. I’m guessing its some kind of in joke rather than a command.
This reminds me of an episode of Taxi, where a woman breaks up with Louie by telling him the only way she can love him is if he leaves, and with every step he takes toward the door, she loves him even more. I don’t remember exact dialogue, but Louie says something like, “And if I never see you again?” and she says, “I’ll be yours forever.” It would appear the key to improving Charlie’s sex life is to stop wanting one.
I don’t know what a lot of these people are talking about here, but as someone who has a almost 5 year old and an almost 2 year old I think I am well suited to address your question.
It’s going to take around a year bro. Sorry, i know that is not what you want to hear, but its the truth. want a second? It is going to be an awkward 5 year of so period for you.
At least that is how it was for us.
My advice, be patient and understanding. no matter how tempted you are, don’t cheat. It will get better, I promise you!
Keep the communication open, talk with your wife, don’t fall into the separate compartment trap. Be loving, and supportive. Her body just had a huge hit to it, she is experiencing things she never thought she would before. neither of you is getting much sleep, and being a parent, while awesome, is really hard. Especially compared to those bliss free childless years that you totally took for granted.
When your kids get older it remains hard, a lot of rewarding moments, but a lot of frustration as well. Work to get your little one sleeping on his own, in his own room starting at 6 months. Once you get your bedroom back things will get a lot better. Also, foot rubs with lotion are always appreciative, and if most women are like my wife, just picking up after myself and around the house is a huge turn on.
Hang in there man. We all go through it, it will get better I promise.
I like Michael Doran’s approach. This is great advice Mike!
Good advice!
It gets better. I went through the same thing when my 3 kids were small. My marriage didn’t last and I think this was partly due to how we drifted apart as a result of the lack of intimacy. Now my ex has a new boyfriend and I have been living with my current partner for 7 years. I have a great sex life and I assume my ex is also “fulfilled”.
I can’t help but wonder if we had been more patient – if we had persevered – would we have gotten the spark back as the kids grew up.
I haven’t been through this, but I think the suggestions above about giving it time are on the mark. Also, think about all the things you did when you were dating to win her heart. Starting to do that kind of stuff again might really make her feel more interested.
Good luck!
Funny article.
The advice one of the first bloggers gave you was spot on – lots of kissing. Lots. I am already wanting to turn back the clock on my relationship to our before sex days because we have never kissed once like that since the sex started. The turn on is indescribable. On that note, part of the turn on was meaning to say no and wanting to say yes. If there’s a tactful way of turning it into a game so that her challenge is to resist your chase for as long as possible, you’ll probably actually be rewarded with some real passion.
Be careful of indicating that you’re looking to her to give it the spark: she’ll be likely to feel like a toy, or worse, like she’s being paid with expectations.
It’s always difficult to give advice without knowing the people. But it’s definitely in the mind…
Incidentally ken is a girl, typo in the name, in case that affects your interpretation of the comment
It’s frustrating reading the comments because there really doesn’t seem to be a good solution for this problem at all.
Men complaining about not having sex (including me), and women complaining that they don’t get help around the house, more money, more conversation, or more X. Frankly, the more I read, the more I’m convinced that women don’t really know what they heck they want. At least many of them.
I’m 33 and my wife is 34. We’ve been married for a few years. My wife is a stay-at-home mother. She made the decision to quit her job and be a stay-at-home, and I supported her in her decision, both financially and verbally, and I let her know if she wanted to stay at work, that I would support that decision, too.
I admit to having done my share of drifting apart during the pregnancy. I catered to her needs financially and by waiting on her, bringing her meals every single day, as she was in bed most of the time. But we didn’t talk. She didn’t make much effort and neither did I. However, since then, I have gone to great pains to correct this for her, yet she’s not reciprocated with anything whatsoever.
She has spending money, though I pay all the bills.
She has free time on the weekend as I essentially spend all of my weekends playing with our son, save the two hours I’m doing the grocery shopping.
She receives gifts and flowers sporadically (i.e. not just on holidays, b-days, etc.) Nice gifts. She likes jewelry, she gets it. I pick it out myself and surprise her. She likes the jewelry because I catch her excitedly telling her mother about what I’ve bought her.
She gets help with housework. I do the dishes and sometimes I cook. MANY times I bring dinner home. I do all of my own laundry and occassionally do our son’s laundry.
I get up with our son in the middle of the night, even though I work and don’t have a two hour nap time during the day. I sometimes get 4 hours of sleep between being up with him and getting to the gym by 6:15AM.
I’ve lost weight. I have a four-pack of abs now that will be a six pack in early 2012. I weigh 45 pounds less and have more muscle than when we were dating. I bathe twice a day, groom well, and dress well for work and for lounging around the house. No slobbing here.
Even though she’s banished me to the couch, we watch TV for an hour or hour and a half each night. We watch what she wants to watch and I have conversations with her about the shows, about trivial things in our household, etc. She doesn’t bring up weighty issues that I avoid talking about. If I bring them up, it causes fireworks.
We’re financially secure. Not yet independent, but I make good money and the house I own has been remodeled, with her having much of the input and having a custom kitchen and bathroom to her specs.
Frankly, I’m sick of doing all of this for her and receiving nothing in return. I’m also tired of women assuming that the man is not doing any of these things and that this is automatically the cause of the sexlessness. There are lots of husbands out there that do bend over backwards to show our wives appreciation and still get nothing.
I could have cheated on her twice now since we’ve been married. I will never cheat. I’ve turned down one women who told me explicitly what type of sexual things she’d like to do with me. I haven’t told my wife this because she’d just be even more upset, but suffice to say she has a very faithful husband on top of all the rest.
I’m about to stop doing all of this (except for the gym – that is for me as well). In one year, this has had no impact whatsoever in our nonexistent sex life. We have “date nights” where we watch a movie instead of TV shows, and holding hands and a good night kiss is all I get. It’s long since stopped being enough. I’ve gone so far as to ask her if there were any needs that she felt weren’t being addressed. She said “no” and that the physical part of our relationship would “come back” when our son is a few years older. That’s asking a LOT of me.
What’s funny is that she criticizes our neighbor’s husband for being a controlling A-hole and how she’d hate to have him for a husband, yet doesn’t realize she has it pretty damn good. Perhaps her getting jewelry, flowers, and spa money will come back about that same time.
I’m so sorry to hear this story. It sounds tremendously lonely and frustrating. You mentioned you’ve not brought up “firework” topics. But what would happen if you did? A thought experiment-if you all fought and she was hurt by your statements, or you were hurt by hers, what would happen? Would it be worse than the status quo? Better?
Have you broached therapy with her? I know some folks don’t agree with that approach. My guess is you’ve tried a lot of things-gifts, seduction etc. How old is the child?
I don’t have particular advice for you other than you should feel safe in discussing your feelings with your partner. Even if the topic/feeling is fraught or difficult, you should be able to break it down. She, I would hope, could understand that sexual closeness is good for you, sure, but it’s good for her and good for the marriage.
Best of wishes to you both and I’m sorry you are in such a difficult situation.
I agree with Julie. find a good therapist. If you are a FT employee at a company, you many have a EAP benefit. This will cover therapy sessions for the two of you for free. Use it.
If everything you said is true, the relationship seems a bit one sided to me. It sounds as if she may be taking you for granted, but that might not totally be the case.
Is your wife depressed at all? Post Partum depression can come up months after birth.
It may take a while for your sex life to come back, but she should throw you a bone now and then (even if she is not in the mood). It took my wife and I a couple of years to get back to normal, but she did occasionally help me out even when I could tell she was not entirely into it.
MayAsWellBeaMonk knows how this is! Thanks for the detailed insight. I am a 24 year expert at this (age44) and I’ll say that therapy and such is a crap shoot. Women just lose it for their man once secured by the child. They KNOW exactly how to behave when yearning to get pregant (and to get married of course). Childless women put out – plain and simple. MayAsWell… does all that a responsible provider should do, wants to do and enjoys doing but we all want to get action too. Marriage is a one way street and there is no real explanation for the “change”, and it should be expected by ANYONE getting married. Our women are not bad people they’re just women and this situation is the NORM and all you therapists and therpy lovers know it. Call me cynical, but this is the way it is. “Solomon had 700 wives because each one might come around every couple years.” We have great kids, so I stick it out but soon to be moving, I am getting two master bedrooms in next place or a duplex. I am not putting my life on hold for the woman anymore because there is nothing to expect in return – it won’t change. I, like MayAsWellBeaMonk, are a single woman’s dream and a married woman’s dish towel at best. Taken for granted is an understatement. Nope, status quo no longer, do what I enjoy for a change and let the chips fall. The kids will always be part of both our lives, but no more bending over backwards. She has been stay at home also but I conclude too often they cannot even face the challenges we do and so choose this life. And then we cannot even get laid for providing everything! Not bitter but I am now indifferent and nuetral. She cannot affect me and I don’t think I’d even care if she cheated anymore-not a good place to be but better than pining year after year thinking she will come in from the couch and sleep in the same bed. Ha Ha. Not sure what a man is suppose to even be anymore other than a good provider ………………………………… but NOT married-that just works for the other gender.
@MayAsWellBeAMonk: sorry to hear that, dude. It’s really depressing.
What I can’t get from your words, is whether you two have honestly talked about this issue; it seems you’re just “waiting” for her sexual desire to come back, and “buying” that with gifts and housework.
The saddest thing, to me, it’s like you two have largely drifted apart. Like you’re two “strangers” living together. From your words, she sounds dry and distant.
I mean, being sexless is hard enough, but she sounds even not affectionate anymore.
@MayAsWellBeAMonk: “She said (…) the physical part of our relationship would “come back” when our son is a few years older.”
This doesn’t sound much likely. In several years of this situation, you two would likely grow even more apart, distant and resentful.
Therapy could be a way… but only if she has still any interest in the relationship with you. If she’s just living in a relationship on her own with the child – and you’re out of the “equation” – she won’t be willing to change.
Your not wanting to cheat is admirable; but I wonder how much frustration can you get, until you arrive to a “boiling point”.
Well Im not married with no kids, but there are so many different situations to this one subject alone. I mean some women just dont desire sex at all. With or without kids. Some women call it being selfish, but when u have a good man at home who takes care of u, does’nt cheat on u, loves u unconditionally, is romantic and all that, and all he is asking for in return is some loving and she denies him. I dont cant what you say, you are gonna loose him and rightfully so. This is if the coulple does’nt have kids of course and that just makes it a whole lot easier. Some women just try to use that as a control thing and she deserves to be dumped. And they wonder why now men dont wanna get married and only look for consenting women for sexual relationships only.
I think it’s sad what everyone is going through. I also think it’s important to not make generalizations. You don’t know what’s going on in other people’s bedrooms and you shouldn’t judge. Just because your specific wives or husbands seem unappreciative or selfish doesn’t mean that all men and women in relationships are like this. I’m happy that people have an opportunity to vent their frustrations through this forum but please cite your experience as your experience, don’t implicate every other heterosexual couple in the world into your misfortune.
Really appreciate your honesty here. I’m sorry that’s things aren’t going so well as you’d like. My one question is, regardless of how much you’ve physically changed/ improved…. how is the connection/ emotional intimacy going with your wife?
I know times are a bit more difficult with a baby in tow, but has your emotional connection/intimacy with her changed? If so, you may want to work on the deeper cause of why she won’t have sex with you. In most cases, it has nothing to do with your physical attributes or how much weight you’ve gain but more on a deeper and emotional level.
All the best,
Mika
Charlie, I’m a mum of 5, I found this article on my husbands phone because he typed in the EXACT same thing you’re asking. Honestly you’re story sounds similar to ours after the first child. It certainly did mean, sex can have a painful end in 9 months time. It took a while but after I lost over fifteen kilos n got some sanity back, the sex came back too, not as frequent or random. But it came back to a satisfying level for both of us. Even tho u tell us we r beautiful n all that, it comes down to us needing to feel n believe its true, for ourselves…you know. My hubby hangs it out n expects my world to stop n hop on it….uh uh, gotta work for it from now on, help ease our wifey work load, put our feet, let us nap I’d we get worn out, be tentative and nod and even pretend to understand y we grouchy or tired n u will get laid I promise
If all this is only (or mostly) because the wife doesn’t get the support that she needs, both emotionally and practically, in day-to-day life, I wonder what her own incentive and responsibility to have an open, actual communication with her husband is, and trying to resolve this in a mutual understanding?
Instead of shutting down, shutting him out, and leaving him to figure it all out on his own without the slighest clue and where every mistake in the approach gets magnified like a hundred times.