Got shot down by a hottie at the gym? Got dissed by a bombshell at the bar? Fantastic! Here’s why.
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What’s up? It’s me again. Your favorite grizzled, flinty, Gen X geezer writer. Let me put down my Zima here, and talk to the men-folk out there.
I’ve lived a long, interesting life. I remember when MTV used to show…music videos. In fact, that’s what MTV stands for, Music Televis. Anyhow, I’ve been around the block, and I’ve learned some things.
One of the most important things I’ve figured out is also one of the biggest bummers ever for guys. Nearly every hetero dude will, in some period in his life, see a hot woman, and go gaga for her. When I say hot, I mean scorching. I’m talking about a perfect ten. A dime piece. A hottie. A fox. The apex predator of beautiful women. Cindy Crawford in the early 1990’s. Pam Grier in the 1970’s. Blake Lively today. Or Kerry Washington. You get my drift. This woman will drive you crazy. You’ll be willing to buy her dinner at the most expensive of restaurants. You’ll call her nearly everyday, if you can get her phone number. You may even do stupid shit to impress her. You’ll drool over her Facebook pics.
And, she may not want you. At all.
You may not have a shot at dating her, getting to know her, or sleeping with her.
And that’s fine.
As men in America, even though there are scientific studies that prove that people in general tend to respond more favorably to “attractive” people, we (guys) are conditioned to not only notice a “hot” woman more so than an average looking girl, but we’re conditioned to believe that we have to make a play for her. It’s part of the male trifecta that we’re taught we have to aquire when we’re growing up. Men have to have a hot car, hot wife, and a nice house. That’s why guys who are threes go after women who are tens.
And that’s why many men beat themselves over the head, literally and figuratively, when they can’t pull a bombshell. Questions like, “Why doesn’t she like me?”, “Why doesn’t she notice me?”, and “We went out on a date, why haven’t I heard back from her?” will pop up in their heads. Tons of guys will demote themselves to the social/dating D-League because they’ve failed to land a hottie they’ve been perusing.
Once again, fellas. If you’ve struck out with a hot woman, that’s fine.
Why? Because, the hot woman that you may like doesn’t have to like you. Let me rewind that. The hot woman that you like, doesn’t have to like you. You may be a guy who has a great job, and a 2015 foreign luxury car. The hottie might not be impressed by your toys. You may be a guy won the genetic lottery, and you may be a ten yourself. The gorgeous woman at the bar may not be attracted to you. If you are an average looking guy, and you’ve chatted up a breathtakingly beautiful woman at a social event, and told her jokes and made her laugh a few times, that doesn’t mean that she’ll give you her number. The breakdown? Just because a woman is hot, and men have been programed to go after hot women, doesn’t mean we will “get” a hot woman.
My advice, fellas (if I haven’t lost you already), is to concentrate on the women that you naturally vibe with. The women that you meet, or have met, and you have near-instant chemistry with, are the ones you should pay attention to. In most instances, those are the women you’re supposed to date—or get to know. The woman that’s seen Star Wars as often as you have and can quote the movie verbatim, just like you can, could be the keeper. The woman who makes you smile when you see her number flash on your smartphone or the one who makes your heart dance when you read her Twitter posts may just be your real “hottie”.
That’s enough advice from me. You know us old folks, we need our constant naps. I’m gonna go to sleep, while watching this episode of the Ricki Lake Show on my VCR.
The first Ricki Lake Show.
Photo sabrebiade Flickr
That is part of your method on how to make money fast the ‘turbo
way’.
I don’t want a (conventionally) hot woman.
I want a woman who feels hot when she’s with me…
As an average looking guy with an above average intellectual ability, I started making around $60k a year right out of highschool in 2001 in a fairly poor community. I was awkward and bad at sports etc. I had a VERY hard time in highschool making a good play and even landing more than a 10 second conversation with “that girl.” At about 19 years old, I committed myself to understand people better and especially women and I realized something: People are incredibly easy to manipulate and “that girl” is no exception. I take that back – she is an… Read more »
Seriously Danielle?
Women rate men ALL THE TIME.
Even if they did (they don’t), they totally don’t use any “beauty rating” to choose partners. If anything, they choose the personality, bahvior and chemistry “rating”.
First of all, commenter Erin is hotter (sight unseen) than Cindy Crawford. By a lot. And many, many men were NOT raised to prize and collect cars, babes, and houses. This was embarrassing, bro. The project remains a project.
As a general rule, the hotter a woman is, the more emotional baggage and/or entitlement issues
she has.
It’s funny, because on one level, I can’t relate to what Greg’s saying here. He’s really played the game: I’d always been on the sidelines, afraid of it. But that was because I knew (or really felt) the outcome. That it all seemed like a lot of effort to get laid, when what I really wanted was a relationship with a girl who was perfect…perfect for me. And hitting on semi-visible, inaudible girls, most of who seemed shallow and intoxicated, in a nightclub atmosphere was like buying a lottery ticket where you can win a million dollars, but most likely… Read more »
I get what you’re trying to put across, Greg, that beauty isn’t the only thing that matters, but basically you’re saying that any girl who isn’t a model is a girl her man has ‘settled’ for. Like, anyone who’s not ‘a 10’ isn’t attractive or won’t be noticed; won’t make a guy’s heart flutter or stutter his speech. All we can hope for is that we get into a conversation with them and impress them so deeply with witty one liners that they fall in love with us. Most of us hate our bodies anyway and reading this doesn’t help…I… Read more »
OK, so why did you pick your boyfriend? Were there other guys who weren’t good enough for you that you turned down? Why weren’t you all a-fluttered and stuttering over them? Were you all that swept away by your boyfriend? Yes, realistically, people get as good as they can, and some end up with more or less than they deserve. Ask yourself honestly if, before you had developed feelings for him, you wouldn’t rather have a richer, or handsomer, or taller, or more eloquent boyfriend. Most people are relatively ordinary in most ways, and sometimes pleasantly extraordinary in others. You’re… Read more »
“With all the media influence and pressure for success that boys feel to get a “hot” girl, have you ever considered approaching them to give them a chance to see how beautiful you are?”
Dude. Shit us not. Guys want hot girls. I am not a hot girl. Why would I ever approach a man just to be the “something not that great at all, but that fell on my lap so I’ll take for a while, and maybe even settle down cause I can’t get a better woman, as hotteness is basically all that matters”?
I’m sorry Greg…I hate to say it because I know you had good intentions, but this article made me feel just terrible about myself. I agree with Erin’s sentiments entirely and all I hear is, settle settle settle. That if you’re not a hot girl, you’re shit out of luck and will always be second fiddle to the hot girl the guy really wanted. I think you may have missed the mark here, I think you should re read Erin’s critique and take it with a perspective of empathy instead of a personal attack. I think you will understand her… Read more »
That’s not at all what he’s saying. What he’s saying is directed towards men and it’s common sense. Go for the woman that shares your interest because inevitably she’ll be the 10 you really wanted.
Erin, you’re kidding yourself if you believe that men aren’t judged by women using the same kind of scale. Yes we all know that looks don’t mean everything when it comes to relationships, but a wealthy and good looking man is bounds ahead of mr average. It’s nature, just the way it is. Doesn’t mean you won’t eventually meet Mr average and prefer him over rich man with six pack and chiselled jaw….
You’re taking the piss surely
I thought of it more this way: A “hottie” really does not need her ego stroked. I might chat with her, but if she seems “unimpressed” like she’s looking at some child, I’d much rather direct my affections to someone who is actually humble and deserves it. Talking to her casually, while serving its normal purpose, is also my means to determine whether or not she is this kind of woman. See, I’ve dated a self-proclaimed “hottie”, and it was a charade of expectations she had for me that she didn’t bother even TRYING to meet herself. So I think… Read more »
Wow, this article made me really glad I’m not a 10 because having men constantly coming up to me and trying to catch my attention sounds like an absolute nightmare. Leave me alone please, I am not interested now and won’t be later. #taken #awesomegirlfriend #lovetocookandclean #youaintgettinany
So you comment on a men’s awareness site to talk about how glad you are those “yucky male-beasts” will never be worthy of you?
Let’s talk about THAT.
Eh she did not call any man beast and even less said she is too much they will never be worthy her.
She just said that, gasp, she feels unconfortable with too much attention, even more so because hse is taken so of course she is not interested and won’t ever be.
THAT is in your head.
“Do women run around rating men on a scale from 1-10 based on their paychecks? No.” Not exactly, but women do go around rating the status levels of men and ignore or are turned off by those with low status. From Mark Manson.. “Research shows that the largest common denominator when studying what attracts women to men is that men who are perceived to be of higher status around women tend to attract them more often. Sexual attraction from women is determined by status, status is determined by behavior, and what determines whether a man has attractive behavior or not… Read more »
I have never read those romance novels but I admit it is a turn on when a man is cock sure (or acts that way). To me it is anyway…to some women it is a turn off.
J, I would love if men were more attracted to me because of my behavior! I don’t understand what’s wrong with women being more attracted to a man because of his behavior. I think you’ll find women love men who are passionate about something that is honorable. Like you said, he could be a firefighter, a surfer, there are lots of women that have the hots for self described “nerd” types (count me in on that group), there are lots of women that love men who are good in the kitchen, who play music, who are artists and men who… Read more »
Exactly. Behavior is what matters the most! Their passion in life, their personality and how we connect – that is over 95% of what matters.
Now for straight men, what matters over 95% is how hot your body is.
While true, this article is immensely unsatisfying. Why should anyone take the Greg’s word for it and “settle?” The thing about the hottie is this. She’s getting hit on _all_the_time._ It’s not personal when she doesn’t respond to you. She’s been thoroughly conditioned to respond with an automatic “no.” And, because all those ten thousand guys before you persisted, she’s also immune to persistence. You will _never_ get past an initial “no.” Not gonna happen. So Greg is right, because it is fantastic news that you don’t have to waste another precious second once the “no” is clear. You can… Read more »
so basically this article is saying: treat women like humans? mind-blown!
^ Yup
Men are such BS when it comes to their feeling of entitlement towards the women that they choose to date. I remember getting asked out by a guy once and I wasn’t interested. He immediately had to come back and say something about me being fat and guess what? He was fat! While I did carry extra weight, he was twice the size that I was (double standard – guys can be fat but women cannot be). That was real mature of him and definitely made me happy that I turned him down.
So…do you really want to play the game of generalizing about men because of a experience you had with A man?
And if you do, why would you (or any woman) object when the MGTOW crowd plays the exact same game?
We have a choice: We’re either going to deal with people as individuals, or we’re going to lump them all into a group – a group defined by the worst behavior of least evolved and most unconscious members of the group.
That is something that happens over and over again. Men do that shit all the fucking time.
People object when MGTOW deem women as worthless, as parasites that should be killed, as babymachines, as sex slaves and toys. Such a difference there.
Missy, you ever seen a woman get turned down for sex? I have, (I mean, I was the guy doing it after all) I have never seen a more prodigious use of the word F*G and questioning of my sexuality, my penis size, whether I lived with my parents still or not, and my employment in my god damned LIFE.
Zeta Males and MGTOWs have learned not to fall for a woman just because she is “hot”.
Wes Carr have still not learned to be less obsessed about these weird manosphere groups.
Yes, they learned to hate them instead. Even though they still find the “hot” females the most valuable – or only valuable for that matter.
Not even sure that this is ment to be taken seriously? Maybe it’s my overly simplistic mind missing something, so let me try to summarise the basic messages: 1 – All men are pre programmed to be attracted to “super hot” women, and will always try to make an approach. I’d be really interested in seeing which ground breaking studies have proven this? Certainly doesn’t match my personal experience. 2 – I’m likely to be rejected if I approach a “super hot” woman, therefore I shouldn’t approach in the first place? Is this the latest in motivational/positive thinking? Perhaps some… Read more »
1 – All men are pre programmed to be attracted to “super hot” women, and will always try to make an approach. I’d be really interested in seeing which ground breaking studies have proven this? — The ground breaking study would be PLAYBOY magazine. Although, technically you have a point. It should be all hetero-normative men, rather than all men. — 2 – I’m likely to be rejected if I approach a “super hot” woman, therefore I shouldn’t approach in the first place? Is this the latest in motivational/positive thinking? — That’s not what he’s saying. He’s saying don’t beat… Read more »
Jam – thanks for sharing your interpritation of the article.
For me, I find far too many loose generalisations and speculations about how men are ‘conditioned’ to to react, respond and behave around women. Unless somebody can point me in the direction of something a little more scientific than Playboy, I’ll stick by my original statement.
You want scientific? There’s nothing more scientific than advertising. Money talks, and bullshit walks. That’s why they don’t use average looking women to sell stuff to men – whether it be cars, beer, shaving cream, whatever. You want scientific? There’s a ton – a motherlode – of information gathered by real live scientists about what men find sexy and hot – and what women find sexy and hot, too. That’s why you find Fabio on the cover of a million romance novels, and not Danny DeVito. Now, if you want to pretend that things are different than they really are,… Read more »
Funny that you talk about Ryan Gosling… do you know how many women mention his PERSONALITY and talent when talking about him? I know, the guy is sweet. Funny that women still care too much about men’s personalities and deeper values as humans, while men will find a woman hot and… screw the rest, she should just show me her boobs or gtfo. Another difference is: women are still much more generous. I *could* rate men by 0-10 and that is true not so many will be 10’s (some guys have rated me 8 and 9, so I’m fine ahaha).… Read more »
Most women would agree they find Ryan Gosling attractive. But that’s all. We don’t want a man who looks like him; we don’t focus on these “super hot” guys. We still focus on personality and “chemistry” – when that feels right. We look for their humanity, their everlasting beauty, the one that is inside. in fact, even for casual sex we still want someone we can connect with the most.
Yeah but men’s reality of what their number is and what other women’s numbers are are a bit askew.
But women in playboy are not super hot naturally, that is what culture tells us is hot.
Lower than healthy weight, fake breasts and butts and nails and hair and maybe many other things, makeup and photoshop, hairless bodies… not exactly ~natural~. And people have to talk about beauty standards a little bit more.
I personally don’t think I have ever felt more second rate as woman on the GMP then after reading this article. I have always felt that the majority of writers on GMP at least cared about helping men and women have stronger relationships. This seems more like the kind of propaganda I’ve seen on stereotypical male websites that I long ago left due to my frustration at the shallow things men appeared to care about. I sincerely think this is just about the worst article I’ve ever seen on here and is a step back from the kind of conversation… Read more »
Uhh…Erin. The entire article was about shooting holes in an ages old way of thinking. I’m really confused about what you came away with from the piece… REALLY confused.
If this is what “shooting holes” in “an ages old way of thinking”, we seriously have a long way to go in this conversation. I don’t think your article is all that great for hot women or for average women. You still describe women’s attractiveness as being the be all and end all in the discussion. You focus on it for 4-5 paragraphs. You even justify it by saying that’s how men are biologically and socially. Even really attractive women don’t want men to place their worth there. In your last paragraph, which is actually the first and only time… Read more »
I’m sorry, but is there some definition of “hot women” out there that doesn’t include men liking them and feeling natural attraction to them? As far as I am aware, their own attraction is the metric that all people use to judge the “heat” of their potential sexual partners.
Well Johnathan, Greg said that his article was about “shooting holes in age old thinking”. To me, within this conversation, that means men begin to see women on an entirely different level then current culture and popular society shows men seeing women. I fail to see where new thinking or ground breaking ideas are happening here. Maybe someone can point it out to me because I just may be missing it. To me it the same old conversation. Men like hot women. Men are suppose to like hot women. Men should go for hot women. Society and other men measure… Read more »
You’d be in for a rude shock dating as a man. Tell me, how many average looking women get married? How many have their partners profess their undying love for them? Because a good portion of my facebook friends list and people I know have average partners and those guys would straight up kill you probably if you mess with their wives/loves. Maybe the U.S isn’t the same. When you’re only going for lust-based relationships, physical beauty remains supreme. When you want love, you need emotional connections, you need some similar tastes (eg star wars), the non-physical attributes are ESSSSSSENNTIALL… Read more »
If you think women are not out there rating women..watch this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-N9daqANcw
Oops, I meant *men
haha sorry.
Erin, I empathize with you, I really do. It doesn’t seem fair that some people win the genetic lottery and others of us don’t, but the truth of the matter is that some people are “hot” and some are “not.” You can’t bargain, browbeat, argue or shame that fact out of human nature and get men everywhere to re-define mind-melting-hotness to include you. All that Greg is saying here is that physical gorgeousness isn’t the be-all, end-all of relationships and suggesting that men pay attention to other qualities. That would seem to be a good thing. In fact, I wish… Read more »
Jonathan, can you help me understand what you are empathizing with me about? I suspect you are empathizing with me over the wrong thing. Over the fact that you have hypothesized that I’m not very hot and that’s where my issue stems from. I really don’t care about who “won the genetic lottery”. I actually think it’s pretty awesome that people come in a billion different combinations. But then again, I don’t sit around giving people arbitrary numbers pretending I should have the power to say what their worth is. Cindy Crawford is beautiful. She was beautiful 20 years ago… Read more »
@ Archy
“When you’re only going for lust-based relationships, physical beauty remains supreme.”
Maybe you, man? I still go a lot after the famous “chemistry”. Physical beauty is not the most important for everyone, not even when looking for purely sexual relationships. But I see that maybe for 99% of the men that is true, and very easy as well, I see so much more beautiful and vain women than men, men really live in a paradise lol.
@Jonathan G “You can’t bargain, browbeat, argue or shame that fact out of human nature and get men everywhere to re-define mind-melting-hotness to include you. [….] I wish women would heed his advice, because there’s no way in hell that I could ever bargain, browbeat, argue or shame women into re-defining their notion of mind-melting-hotness to include short, balding, middle-aged men like me.” Come on, Greg. What is attractive or not is many times dictated by culture. You know that, don’t you? Female hotness became ridiculous. Unhealthy diets and lower than ideal weight, fake breasts, painfully obtained hairless bodies, perfect… Read more »
Yes! Exactly this.
Are you serious? How do you know you are an average woman to EVERY GUY? “Please. You know, the ladies you aren’t willing to pay dinner for, The one you don’t call everyday and maybe just call for a hook-up when you got a boner and need a hole to get off in, The ones you have sex with while you dream about banging Blake Lively and Cindy Crawford..oh but only when Cindy was young because now she’s chopped liver in the face of all that bursting manly testosterone.” How in Thor’s name do you know what Greg likes? How… Read more »
“Women are no less shallow than men. Question, how many unemployed guys do you see being dated by women or chased after by women? How about low income men? Meanwhile it doesn’t matter as much to many men, both genders are shallow. I can introduce you to plenty of shallow women who want men based on looks mostly.” Of course women in general are much less shallow than men. Well, most guys date, unemployed or not. Most women date as well. The same goes for the low income. Sure you know plenty of shallow women who want men based on… Read more »
“Hi, how tall are you?”
“6’3″ ”
“Oh cool, we can date.”
“Hi, how tall are you?”
“5’8″ ”
“Oh sorry, I want to be enveloped and not tower over you when I’m wearing heels.”
Couldn’t agree more with everything Erin said. If this is supposed to be an example of evolved male thinking, I fear that I may be single forever because I refuse to be with any man who exhibits even an inkling of this culturally programmed sense of entitlement about obtaining the hottest trophy possible. And, for the record, while I generally shudder when the term is thrown in my direction, I’m often told that I’m “hot” by the opposite sex (I’d much rather be complimented on my intelligence or compassion, etc. etc.)
Erin, I had similar thoughts. Like, it’s fine if the attractive girls don’t go for you, just try your hardest to pursue the less attractive ones, they’re probably more attainable. Too much value is placed on women’s looks; if all men want is a hottie, then it obviously doesn’t matter if we’re smart, talented, etc. It’s insulting to “attractive” women too, as if that’s all that matters, who cares about their dreams, personalities, or brains? As a woman who struggles with self-esteem, it seems that Greg is saying that I’m a valid second option if men can’t “get” the first,… Read more »
Erin’s original comment was perfect. This article made me feel bad about myself and bad about men. The fact that the author couldn’t see where Erin could possibly be coming from with her critique is SCARY to me.
Totally agree with you, Janine. And with Erin.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who felt this way while reading the article.
I’m glad that I’m not the only one that felt this way too Anonymous!
Janine, you summed up my exact feelings. I also felt bad about men and myself after reading this article. And I was really shocked that this was suppose to somehow be evolved thinking.
Madison, I’m right there with you.
“Do women run around rating men on a scale from 1-10 based on their paychecks? No.”
Uh, yeah, they do. Well, maybe not on a “1-10” scale because a paycheck has a ready made number for their rating convenience.
The difference is that women who care about your damned paycheck are rare. You know, most women are not one man prostitutes, as much as it seems you want to believe it. But sorry about that, dude, you will not be able to condone men’s extremely common behavior by pointing out some small type of women, that sucks, uh? That is the reason you do not have articles after articles written by women talking about how to get that “rich guy”… most women could care less. Your personality and social confidence is what matters the most. Looks DO matter, but… Read more »
A study just a couple of years back showed the same man wearing two different outfits. In one, he wore an expensive suit. In the other, he was in a McDonalds outfit. The women preferred the former, not the latter, despite that it was the same man.
This isn’t about gold-digging, it’s about hypergamy and the default position of the man as the “success object”.
Awesome article. One thing that jumped out at me that may go unnoticed was “…but that we have to make a play for her”. I agree with a lot of what you said, do not worry about whether or not this hot girl likes you, and absolutely go for the girl that you vibe with. As long as you find a girl attractive, the vibe you have with her is the most important thing in my experience. But back to “…but that we have to make a play for her” I think this is a great quality for men to… Read more »
“because when you vibe with a beautiful women…there are few other places I’d rather be.”
What about when you vibe with a woman who is smart, sensible, sweet and kind? That woman who loves you but is not that hot? Hotness still beat it, is still the most important?
I agree with your statement 100% 🙂
Love it. As a non-hottie myself, it was mostly my sense of humor, willingness to respect (and even get into) my husband’s “nerdy” hobbies, and the fact that I can debate philosophy for hours that caught my husband’s attention. Which isn’t to say that a hottie can’t be all of those things – they certainly can. But it’s nice for the rest of us when guys notice us as people, instead of just background for the stunning beauties.
Guys do notice, but sometimes, they may be too afraid to let you know that they do. The pressure to ‘attain’ hotties is huge for guys…